The Four Seasons

~I have never really written a fantasy novel before. So this is new to me. This is somewhat of a prologue to four short stories. Anyway, tell me what you think. Enjoy, reading!~

In the heavens, angels of all ages, conversed with each other about different things. How life is like down on earth or how one can gain their wings from God.
Angels who have performed a miracle for a human gained their wings. Yet, some of them had different businesses to attend to.
A few selected ones, were told by God to go down to earth as a human and eliminate those who were demons. Except demons had the same challenge as the angels. Eliminate those of the opposite force.
Time came by, and an angel named Constantine was chosen by God to be one of the selected. He had gained his wings for helping a human down on earth, years ago. And was now back to where the angels lived in harmony, in heaven.
That day, God called upon Constantine. He wore a white garment, that covered his whole body. Pure as the white of an angel of God.
“Yes, my lord?” Constantine spoke in a content tone.
“I have seen you fulfill a humans life with happiness and I am blessed with your work.”
“Thank you, your holiness.”
“I have another task for you, Constantine. I want you to be one of the selected and go down to earth as a human. You know what they do. Change their way of life or eliminate those who mock my word. Bring peace onto earth.”
“Yes, my lord. You word is my command.” With that Constantine was sent back to earth to change or eliminate demons.
Time had come by and he fell in love with a human. He fulfilled the orders of God, but something was wrong. The female he was in love with wasn't human. For he did not know, that Vivian was a demon.
God, then called upon him back to heaven. He told him to change her way of life, but when he came back and she was no longer there.
Constantine, then asked God if he could stay at earth and have a family of his own. God granted him, his choice, with one rule. Keep on bringing peace onto earth and change those who go against me.
He was then sent back to earth, and fell in love with a human. She bore four sons, healthy ones. Except Constantine had no idea that the demon from his past fell in love also. And she also bore four daughters of her own.
Thus brings the story of the sons of Constantine and the daughters of Vivian.

Hello, Merry. I'm going to give you a line by line crit.

In the heavens, angels of all ages, conversed with each other about different things. How life is like down on earth or how one can gain their wings from God.
Angels who have performed a miracle for a human gained their wings. Yet, some of them had different businesses to attend to.

This seems more like telling than showing. I think it would be best to start out with Constantine speaking with his friends, or something like that.

A few selected ones, were told by God to go down to earth as a human and eliminate those who were demons. Except demons had the same challenge as the angels. Eliminate those of the opposite force.

I know what you're saying here, but it could be worded better; it sounds like God is also sending out demons, or there are humans that are demons.

He had gained his wings for helping a human down on earth, years ago. And was now back to where the angels lived in harmony, in heaven.

I think you could show this better; Maybe he's curious why God is calling him if already has his wings- or does God send angels on errands all the time?

That day, God called upon Constantine. He wore a white garment, that covered his whole body. Pure as the white of an angel of God.

I couldn't tell who was wearing the robe.

Yes, my lord?

Since this is God, 'lord' should be capitalized, as well as other words, i.e., "He, His," etc.

Time had come by and he fell in love with a human. He fulfilled the orders of God, but something was wrong. The female he was in love with wasn't human. For he did not know, that Vivian was a demon.

Whoa, this seems almost random, it happened so quickly. I think you should build up to the fact that she's a demon; ad some suspense.

Constantine, then asked God if he could stay at earth and have a family of his own. God granted him, his choice, with one rule. Keep on bringing peace onto earth and change those who go against me.
He was then sent back to earth, and fell in love with a human. She bore four sons, healthy ones. Except Constantine had no idea that the demon from his past fell in love also. And she also bore four daughters of her own.
Thus brings the story of the sons of Constantine and the daughters of Vivian.

This all happens too quickly.

Well, I suggest you make this story more personal; why should we care about Constantine or Vivian? This seems like a lot of telling, and not showing- the 'he said/she said' stuff. Try more descriptions, more thoughts from the MC.
It's a very interesting story, and I'd like to see more of it. If you need anything, feel free to PM me.

*Seraph*

*SeraphTree~

Wow. Thank you for the line by line critic. What you pointed out will really help.

Yes, I guess I'm having a hard time with telling then showing. Sorry.

If I have any question I will pm you. Thanks again.

*Merry

You're most welcome.

Don't worry, it's easily fixable. Oh, I will check my messages then.

hey,

I must say Merry that this story is very interesting. I hope you do continue it and pm me when you post the next chapter up.

the one thing that i saw was you are showing, not telling. (sound familiar?). that was the only thing that i saw.

oh, you might want to add some action before speaking too. I dunno how thought, becaue everything seem fine to me.

well, i really enjoy your story and i hope you continue it. pm me or let a message in my guestbook when you have the second chapter up.

peace out,
NM

*Night Mistress~

Wow. Thanks for saying this is interesting. That means a lot.

I will use what you pointed out and also use SeraphTree's pointers.

Pm ~ that's fine with me! Thanks bunches of times.

*Merry

Just so you know, I didn't read any other reviews, so I may repeat some things others said.

In the heavens, angels of all ages, conversed with each other about different things.

Get rid of the comma after "ages".

How life is like down on earth or how one can gain their wings from God.

Change "how" to "What" and change "is" to "was". It works better and it's now in the proper tense.

Yet, some of them had different businesses to attend to.

Change "businesses" to its singular forms.

Time came by

Time "went" by. Not many people say time came by.

He had gained his wings for helping a human down on earth, years ago.

Don't need the comma.

He told him to change her way of life, but when he came back and she was no longer there.

Get rid of of the last "and".

Constantine, then asked God if he could stay at earth and have a family of his own.

Get rid of the comma and change "at" to "on".

Keep on bringing peace onto earth and change those who go against me.

Since this isn't dialogue, change "go" to "went and change "me" to "him".

This story idea seems interesting, and I should have enjoyed reading it, but the problem was that I didn't. The only reason this is so is because you consistently swap between present and past tenses in your words, you use commas in places that they shouldn't be in (there were a lot, and so I didn't list them all), and there were also lots of places that were worded oddly. This kept me from indulging my self in your story and kept reminding me that I was just reading something someone made up. And that's not what you want to do. You want some part of me, the reader, to believe what I'm reading to really get into the story. Bad grammar is one of the ways people are thrust out of this state. The simple way to fix this is to go over it a few times and then have others read it as well, and then have them explain to you why certain things aren't grammatically correct. Maybe an English teacher or something if you can.

I hope all that above doesn't discourage you, because I do truly like the story so far. It's very interesting. You just need to work on the grammatical aspect.

Before you read on, stubbornly tell yourself that you are a good writer. an open-minded one of course but a good one.

First and foremost it is extremely important that you paint a descriptive setting in fantasy because it isn’t in a normal context. This isn’t a school or office building we can easily picture ourselves. Fantasy demands an outwardly setting and without true details we are left to wander off ourselves, which could hurt your intentions later on. Yes, it’s heaven but what does it look like and I also advise you not to play in the “fluffy clouds and golden halos” bit. Be different. You are capable.

I think it shows that you aren’t use to writing fantasy because it seems you have relied on several stereotypes and writing styles of previous writers. You’re better than that. Much better. And to reiterate my point, here are a few examples:

“Yes, my lord. You word is my command.”

How many times have we witnessed this in movies, books (usually the old), etc? A little too much right?
It almost gives your a story a comedic appeal (in a bad way) because this phrase is often used sarcastically. Like for instance in response to a nagging mother who rants that you need to clean your room for the up-tenth time, you’re likely to say, “Yes your majesty. Anything you wish” in a less than respectful way.

“Time had come by and he fell in love with a human. He fulfilled the orders of God, but something was wrong. The female he was in love with wasn't human. For he did not know that Vivian was a demon.”

Another common plot. The forbidden love structure between two very different people is just…as I said before very often used. I can almost picture your entire novel before it has even rightfully begun. Do you want this? I think not.

“Thus brings the story of the sons of Constantine and the daughters of Vivian.”

Again, readers see this a lot. In fact, I think writing that destroys your individual voice as a writer. This is not your style. It is a cookie-cutter style and I am dying to know what makes your writing unique because I’m so convinced that it can be and eventually will be.

Also, there is repetition:

“Angels who have performed a miracle for a human gained their wings.”
“…had gained his wings for helping a human down on earth”


The readers aren’t likely to forget this within a ten-second time frame. Here I think it is best to go in detail about his appearance. From that, we’ll see that he has wings and will assume he had satisfied the aforementioned criteria. Better yet, why not withhold the information about angels (i.e. gaining wings) from us until a small twist in plotline. Why is it so necessary for you to immediately throw this information at us? Quite frankly, it isn’t a very new idea, (in fact, it’s pretty overused) so you must play around with it a little to make it markedly different. Also, and perhaps you were planning to reveal this to us later, why it is mandatory to help humans? Yes, it is purely of a religious view but…how shallow, in that it has no real history behind it. What I mean to say is that we already assume Angels help us so to connect that particular characteristic with obtaining wings is just…expected.

Also,
“Pure as the white of an angel of God.”

Your characters are in heaven so of course things will be assumed as heavenly.

Bottom line is:
This may not be a plot line to invest in without some serious revision.
This a prologue and as some reviewers have already revealed, it failed to grab interest. You want to be read. You want to be taken seriously…and if you don’t hate me by the time you are finished reading this, I want to help you. Novice to Novice.

*mikedb1492~

No, you didn't discourage me. I just need to think more of what I'm writing. Thanks, anyway.

*Orchestrate~

Thanks for all you said. Would you mind if I pm-ed you for help?

*Merry

Locked by author's request.