So Untouched Part Three

I clutched onto my stomach as lay on my bed. The obnoxious butterflies in my stomach wouldn't let me forget that boy I saw earlier that day. The music that had been blasting in my room had turned into a dull mumble. My eyes where fixed on my heart locket necklace that I hung on my wall. I hardly wore it, it never seemed to match anything I was wearing. I focused on the engraving of my initials on the front, but the thing I noticed about it was the shape.

It was a heart, but it wasn't the same shape as the heart inside me. Mine was pumping and keeping me alive, but the heart on my necklace wasn't pumping and it wasn't keeping me alive. But then I wondered how that symbol kept so many more people alive. It was the power of love, and how that simple shape meant so much.

I got up and shut off my music, then went back to my bed and sat on the edge. I closed my eyes an listened deeply. I sat very still. My muscles relaxed, and my body became weightless. I realized I was in a total state of relaxation. However, the butterflies in my stomach kept tormenting me with it's ongoing excitement.

I ignored the butterflies, and continued to listen to the silence of my room. I listened more deeply. Then I heard it, my heart beat. I heard it pound in a rhythmic pattern. I sounded like drums beating from a distance. Suddenly the face of that boy I saw flashed in my head. My heart began to pound faster once I realized it was him.

I eyes flew open. I didn't understand why my heart felt like this about a boy I didn't even know. Especially right after a break up. My heart didn't seem to need anytime to mend. I needed to know who he was.

I jumped off my bed, and peered under my bead. I reached for a large shoe box and pulled it out. I flung the top open and grabbed last year's year book and opened it. I searched every picture for his face. I remember it vividly.

His eyes were deep with sorrow. Like regret was hanging from his shoulders. His lips perfectly smooth with a pale color of rose. His face was pale, and his black hair made his complexion reflect a mysterious glow. Facial hair was starting to show along the side of his face. He looked scruffy, and worn-out, but he looked as if he held the same energy as he did when he was a toddler. I was amazed by how much I remembered about him from just a few glances.

I was staring at the Juniors' section of the yearbook. I was gazing along the third page, when I saw his picture. My heart sunk as I saw his sweet crooked smile brighten his face. I looked at the name: Joshua Rivers.

Joshua, such a simple name. I sigh and shut my year book. I glanced once more at the heart necklace that hung on my wall. I got up and put it on. I had to know more about Joshua Rivers.

Hey, smileforever! This is great; I hope I can help with it.

I clutched onto my stomach as Ilay on my bed.* An error in the first sentence. See rewrite, but add an "I" if you don't want to use it. The obnoxious butterflies in my stomach Second use of "stomach. Try "belly" or something. wouldn't let me forget that boy I saw earlier that day. The music that had been blasting in my room had turned into a dull mumble in the background. My eyes where fixed on [s]my[/s] the heart locket necklace [s]that[/s] I hung on my wall. I hardly wore it; it never seemed to match anything I was wearing. I usually focused on the engraving of my initials on the front, but the thing I noticed about it was the shape.

*Sprawled across my bed, I clutched at my stomach.

It was a heart, but it wasn't the same shape as the heart inside me. Love that! Mine was pumping and pulsating and keeping me alive, but the heart on [s]my necklace[/s] the (insert metal: gold, silver, etc.) chain wasn't [s]pumping and it wasn't keeping me alive[/s] wasn't moving or helping me live at all.

New paragraph. But then I wondered how that symbol kept so many more people alive. It was the power of love, and how that simple shape meant so much.

I got up and shut off my music, [s]then[/s] went back to my bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. I closed my eyes and listened deeply[s]. I sat very still[/s] , sitting as still as if I were made of stone. My muscles relaxed, and my body became weightless.[s]I realized[/s] I was in a total state of relaxation. However, the butterflies in my stomach kept tormenting me with [s]it's[/s] their ongoing excitement.

I ignored [s]the butterflies[/s] them, and continued to listen to the silence of my room. I listened more deeply. Then I heard it, felt it, my heartbeat. I heard it pound in a rhythmic pattern, a steady thumping, like a drum. [s]I sounded like drums beating from a distance.[/s] Suddenly the face of that boy I saw flashed in my head. My heart began to pound faster once I realized it was him.

I eyes flew open. I didn't understand why my heart felt like this about a boy I didn't even know. Especially right after a break up. My heart didn't seem to need anytime to mend. I needed to know who he was. I think she'd be more likely to go after a total stranger if she had just experienced a break-up. Maybe you ought to mention that.

I jumped off my bed no comma here and peered underneath the box spring at the jungle of forgotten items and dust bunnies. [s]my bead.[/s] I reached for a large shoe box and pulled it out[s]. I[/s]b],[/b] flung the top open and grabbed last year's yearbook and opened it. I searched every picture for his face. I remembered it vividly.

His eyes were deep with sorrow. Like regret was hanging from his shoulders. His lips, perfectly smooth, [s]with a[/s] were the pale color of rose. His face was pale Find a synonym; you just used "pale", and his black hair made his complexion reflect a mysterious glow. Facial hair was starting to show along the side of his face. He looked scruffy no comma and worn-out, but he also looked as if he held the same energy as he did when he was a toddler. I was amazed by how much I remembered about him from just a few glances.

I was staring at the Juniors' section of the yearbook. I [s]was gazing[/s] glanced along the third page. Then I saw his picture. My heart sunk Why would it sink? I'd be high in the clouds. as I saw his sweet crooked smile brighten his face. I looked at the name: Joshua Rivers.

Joshua, such a simple name. I sighed and shut my yearbook. I glanced once more at the heart [s]necklace[/s] locket that hung on my wall. I got up and put it on.

New paragraph.I had to know more about Joshua Rivers.

OVERALL: Wow. This was great. I especially like the part about the listening to the silence, in search of a heartbeat. One thing, though, that you need to work on is your description. You need to make it more personal. Also: try not to repeat words, like "my bed" or "stomach" that I crossed out. It makes the reading redundant and choppy.

I hope I helped with this! PM me when the next one's up.

~Sunny

This part has shown your improvement immensely since your last few chapters!

I clutched onto my stomach as lay on my bed. The obnoxious butterflies [s]in my stomach[/s] wouldn't let me forget [s]that[/s] the boy I saw earlier that day. The music that had been blasting in my room had turned into a dull mumble. My eyes where fixed on my heart locket necklace that I hung on my wall. I hardly wore it, it never seemed to match anything I was wearing. I focused on the engraving of my initials on the front, but the thing I noticed about it was the shape.

It was a heart, but it wasn't the same shape as the heart inside me. Mine was pumping and keeping me alive, but the heart on my necklace wasn't pumping and it wasn't keeping me alive. But then I wondered how that symbol kept so many more people alive. It was the power of love, and how that simple shape meant so much. I LOVE this paragraph! I love how you used it in comparison to your own heart and such.

I got up and shut off my music, then went back to my bed and sat on the edge maybe say "I went back and sat on the edge of my bed? Less wordy.. I closed my eyes an listened deeply. I sat very still. My muscles relaxed, and my body became weightless. I realized I was in a total state of relaxation. However, the butterflies in my stomach kept tormenting me with its ongoing excitement.

I ignored the butterflies, and continued to listen to the silence of my room. I listened more deeply. Then I heard it, my heartbeat. I heard it pound in a rhythmic pattern. It sounded like drums beating from a distance. Suddenly the face of that boy I saw flashed in my head. My heart began to pound faster once I realized it was him.<---I would word this differently, maybe not say you realized who the face was in your head, but possibly just the fact you were thinking about him possibly.

My eyes flew open. I didn't understand why my heart felt like this about a boy I didn't even know, especially right after a break up. My heart didn't seem to need anytime to mend and I needed to know who he was.

I jumped off my bed, and peered under [s]my bed[/s]. I reached for a large shoe box and pulled it out. I flung the top open and grabbed last year's year book and opened it. I searched every picture for his face. I remember it vividly. <---This paragraph is kind of repetitive with "I..." after "I..." again. This is the only constant thing that I think you should really focus on when you right your future chapters

His eyes were deep with sorrow, like regret was hanging from his shoulders. His lips perfectly smooth with a pale color of rose. His face was pale, and his black hair made his complexion reflect a mysterious glow. Facial hair was starting to show along the side of his face. He looked scruffy, and worn-out, but he looked as if he held the same energy as he did when he was a toddler. I was amazed by how much I remembered about him from just a few glances.

I was staring at the Juniors' section of the yearbook. I was gazing along the third page, when I saw his picture. My heart sunk as I saw his sweet crooked smile<---I would use something else than crooked smile mainly because, well, it's from Twilight. Maybe an adorable smile? Not sure how you could replace it but I recommend that you do brighten his face. I looked at the name: Joshua Rivers.

Joshua, such a simple name. I sighed and shut my yearbook. I glanced once more at the heart necklace that hung on my wall, and got up to put it on. I had to know more about Joshua Rivers.

Great job Holly! The story is really getting better! And your writing skills really show you're listening to the critique others are giving you! Props!

<3 SAra.