Impressions

A Closed Mouth Might Scream


My scattered impressions
Rise to the surface
Breaking the tepid waters unbearable tension

Broken light, dancing to the blues
Kissing miners daughters
Under the monks ancient ruse
Creating lovers out of paupers

Speaking in unison

Growing distance from your words
O growing silence deafening
Callous hearts bearing down

this was ok. It didnt really have any fluid thought didn't make sense throughout. You should try adding more detail and make the topic clearer.

Broken light, dancing to the blues

Kissing miners daughters

Under the monks ancient ruse

Creating lovers out of paupers

^^favorite part

when i was reading the beginning i thought wow, this is going to be really good. and then i got to the end. it's not an end. it's a...thread of the cloth that makes up the ending of a poem.

you have amazing potential. great imagery, great everything, except for the ending. if you develop this poem more, i truly think it will be astounding. please pm me if you do. i will want to read it.

i think the reason the end is...unstable...(?) is because it has no definite thought, or feeling to end it. "Speaking in unison" is an example of a closing thought. you don't have to use that one, but something like that.

"Growing distance from your words
O growing silence deafening
Callous hearts bearing down

Speaking in unison."


I'm not sure if this would affect the meaning of the poem because as the reader, i have only a glimmer of meaning from this piece of work. Mostly i just get the emotion. (which is totally fine.) But I think it works quite well.

--clue.

I agree with clue about the ending and guitargirl about the lack of meaning. This reads like a Bob Dylan song--like Changing of the Guard, or Desolation Row or something. Only those are songs, so more license is given, and they're a lot longer. They also incorporate characters we know--Ophelia, Cinderella, Jupiter--which help give them little story lines, even if any deeper meaning is not readily apparent. As for this one, I love the imagery and the energy, but I don't walk away with anything more than the individual words impart. The job of a writer is to string together words to convey something to the reader, a story or an emotion or a revelation, generally. And I don't know what I'm supposed to get out of this.
My suggestion is to rewrite it using complete sentences. Then at least each sentence is a miniature tale--there's a person or thing and it does something. Dylan uses complete sentences. It's worth a try, at any rate. And if you do have a deeper message in mind it might make it more clear to the reader what that is.
My other suggestion is to put an apostrophe somewhere in "waters" in the first stanza. Sorry, I'm a grammar nut.
Hope that helped! Good luck!
-BFG

Hey heyz!
Ok, i am gonna try to be as mean as possible! (I have trouble being serious with reveiws)
But I have to say that i have to agree with the others on this one, I don't understand the ending. The beginning seemed like it was going to be a very powerful and deep poem, but to me it just seemed, ummm.... incompleted?
I don't know. I'm sorry if i sound like i am trying to direct how you write, because this is a very lovely poem, I just don't think that it is done.
Could you maybe explain to me why the ending is like this?
I really think that you have potential.
Just keep working at it!