The End

As I sit in the dark corner, I listen in shock.
It's quiet for once
And the silence is terrifying.
As I rock back and forth I am relieved
To hear the rain dance on my window pane
"What am I to do?" I think.

As I stare at the burns going down my arms,
I realize I must leave.
I must go to a place where no one can cause me harm,
If such a place exists.
There has to be, the world can't all be evil.

I smile at the thought of freedom.
The thought brings me joy, and it overwhelms me.
I used that new found strength and walk out,
Out of the room that used to be me prison cell.
I say good bye to my hell on earth.

All I know is I'm walking with my eyes shut tight
Because just the sight of the walls,
Brings back the pain.
I trace my fingers against the small dents where my body was thrown,
I wince at the thought of the those nights.

"They have no control over me... I am my own person and will not take their Abuse!
I'm tried of being mistreated and misused"
I fight within myself, this argument is done.
"FREEDOM, FREEDOM, FREEDOM" this wonderful word keeps ringing in my ear,
I will be free today, I become overwhelmed with anxiousness!

"I'm finally leaving!" I shout as my farewell to this damn house.
I walk through the front room grabbing my jacket and shoes.
"Where do you think your going?" she asks her voice sharp like a knife.
I've never felt a fear like that,
The type that runs up your spine.

My body has been numb for a long time now,
But this pain was more internal I was so close this time!
I'm going to get it now.
I fall to my knees, because I know what's next
I hope and pray that this will be the last.

"Take me now don't make me stay
I don't want to belong to her any more
My heart and my body is sore, please God!"
As she screams and kicks
All I can do is smile because I know this is the end...

Ha, I just typed up a nice litle review for you but then instead of minimizing, I clicked exit. Deleting all of my hard work. But that's ok. I shall prevail.

*reads back over poem to refresh seemingly senile memory*

As she screams and kicks

I had trouble with this sentence. At first, it didn't make much sense to me but then I figured out that you should have put the word "me" at the end.

she asks her voice sharp like a knife.
I've never felt a fear like that,

Why hasn't she felt anything like that before? If she's abused, surely she's felt fear as sharp as a knife?

There's a lack of reality here (excuse me if that comes out harsh. I don't mean it to because I have trouble with the same thing) Would an abused girl actually get up and leave? Or maybe I should refigure that question to say: COULD she actually leave? Even if she doesn't remember getting up, the act of getting up in the described state is kinda hard to believe. In a similar sense, in the poem the girl (sorry, I just came to mind that never in the poem does it say that it is a girl. but you get the idea)
shouts that she is leaving. Why would she do that? Isn't that defeating the whole purpose of leaving?

In any case, it is a good poem! I hope to read more

NEW AND IMPROVED!
Thanks for the tips JC!

Now now, I do not wish to be harsh...but perhaps this poem is a little cliche?

To me, this poem reminds me of something I would have been writing a few years back. Now a poem about true deep emotion - whether it's depressing or uplifting - can be magnificent.

I wrote a lot of 'emo' poems in my day. A lot about self harm and other peoples actions - but what I eventually figured out is that it's the feelings and emotion that counts, not so much what happened to make the feeling so.

Your poem is great and you seem like you have a true talent...but i think you could be showing more of your talent if you try and take a different path with your writing. Take the emotion out of this poem. Just the emotion - not the horrible abusive mother, or the effect she physically has on you - just the feelings in this poem. Draw the feeling from this then write something a little different - I think you'll be surprised what you find.

Happy writing *~DesTinEE~*

Destinee, hey and welcome to YWS, I'm Kirsten, or Lost, I shall be your reviewer for today. xD Now, the comments are at the end, for just now, we'll move onto your poem.

As I sit in the dark corner, I listen in shock.

It's quiet for once

And the silence is terrifying.

As I rock back and forth I am relived

Spelling error here, relived should be relieved.

To hear the rain dance on my window pane

"What am i to do?" I think

I don't like this line, generally I don't like speech in poems, but this just seems to annoy me for a variety of reasons. It doesn't flow properly, and I just don't like it. Also, the I in What am I to do should be capitalized.

As I stare at the burns going down my arms,

"Where do i go?" all I know is that I must leave.

The flow has been disrupted again. I don't like this line.

I must go to a place where no one can cause me harm,

If such a place exists.

I smile at the thought of freedom.

I don't remember getting up,

You jump very fast between topics, one line you talk about freedom, the next you talk about getting up. See, freedom is a huge topic. Some nice imagery would make that line great. But instead you jump to the next topic.

All I know is I'm walking with my eyes shut tight

Because just the sight of the walls,

Brings back the pain.

I trace my fingers against the small dents where my body was thrown,

I wince at the thought of the pain.

"They have no control over me! I am my own person and will not take their

The word abuse should be on this line, not the next. Why is there an exclamation mark?

Abuse! I'm tried of being mistreated and misused!"

Tried? Don't you mean tired?

I fight within myself, this argument is done!

Another example of how you jump too quickly onto the next subject, tell us what you are fighting about. How you feel. Why?

"FREEDOM, FREEDOM, FREEDOM" this wonderful word keeps ringing in my ear,

I will be free today, I become overwhelmed with joy and anxiousness!

"I'm finally leaving!" I shout as

I walk through the front room grabbing my jacket and shoes.

"Where do you think your going?" she asks her voice sharp like a knife.

I think there's too much dialogue in this poem, you need to cut some out, or make it prose, otherwise it doesn't flow properly and such.

I've never felt a fear like that,

The type that runs up your spine.

My body has been numb for a long time now,

But this pain was more internal I was so close this time!

Eeeek, this line is way too long, it ruins the whole flow.

"I'm going to get it now!"

I fall to my knees, because I know what's next

I hope and pray that this will be the last.

"Take me now don't make me stay

I don't want to belong to her any more

My heart and my body is sore, please God!"

As she screams and kicks

All I can do is smile because I know this is the end...

I've got to go and get something to eat, I shall comment later
xoxo

Okay, I'm back.
If I was to tell you the complete truth, I didn't like this much.
There's no doubt that you're great, you're a very good poet, you just need to direct your talents in a different direction. Now, to get onto your poem.

The flow wasn't right. Some lines were very long and ruined your flow.

Now, a good thing about your poem, it had good emotion. Some of the lines rambled for a bit, but others had good raw emotion. You need to take that, and incorprate it with a few other things to make your poem good.

Some tips:

imagery
You need to paint images in our minds. Make us see what is going on. Describe the sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes and the textures, the latter and former only if relevant. You should use some figurative language to improve this poem. Similes, metaphors and such, would really make this poem. You need to paint the scenes. Make us feel what you want us to feel.
Now, if you put in some imagery it would make your poem much more interesting.

Rambling
Some of this poem,. okay, a lot of this poem seemed like rambling. Rambling will bore people. See, one of your problems is dialogue, you put a lot of it in this poem, and so it ended up being more prose than poetry. It was also rather annoying from a reader's POV. So you need to work a bit on that. Cut out some of the unnecessary lines and keep the ones with meaning. Replace some of the unnecessary lines with imagery and such.

Remember the point
Remember what you want to convey. After all, that is the whole point of poetry. Think about what you want us to feel, do you want us to feel happiness, melancholy, frustration, sympathy? You must make us empathise. Apathy is not good, unless you want us to feel apathy. If you have a message to put across, make sure you do so. Always remember why you are writing the poem. You must make us feel for you. Just remember...
Okay, now, your topic could be very powerful, you just need to convey it properly. In doing so it should be great. xD

Remember that you do have potential, lots of it. Admittedly this poem wasn't incredible, but it was okay. Just improve it and it'll be great. I hope to see more of your work in the future. xD

~Kirsten
xoxo

Thanks for all of the tips. I really appreciate it, I'm trying this out writing thing out for a change. I think I'm going to hit the books and figure out all the basics, you know?
I'm not used to writing all proper I guess if I want to be taken seriously I should learn about this kind of stuff. Well I appericate all the advise I'll be reveiwing anything I write before I post it, now I know what I'm looking for.
Thanks very much again.