Department Stores

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Inspired from Picture Prompt 1

Department Stores


Department stores made Danny feel uneasy, especially department stores in a mall. Talk about traffic. Danny shifted the empty basket from his left hand to his right as he scrunched his eyebrows peering at the words hanging above him. Diapers, Wipes, and Feeders. Had Leslie said anything about getting diapers? He couldn’t recall all too well. He strolled into the aisle nevertheless avoiding eye contact with the two women who looked up. He walked past the loaded shelves, getting more confused when he glanced up at the different types, brand and sizes of diapers there were. Oh dear.

What size does a newborn wear? 1? Or 2? Is the size 1 for premature babies? Maybe. They gotta have diapers for premature babies, right? And what was better Huggies or Pampers? Huggies was cheaper. Why waste money on material for poop, that you eventually throw away, he thought to himself as he reached for a medium size package of size 2 Huggies diapers.

The middle aged woman who had been busy choosing wipes moved towards the diapers. She stood close to Danny looking up and down the shelf. Danny withdrew his hand and watched her as she reached towards a Pampers diaper size 1.

“Premature baby, huh?” Danny couldn’t help but say in an attempt to figure out if size 1 really was for a premature baby or for newborns, because he needed to know what size his and Laura’s baby was going to have to wear first thing.

“Excuse me?” She turned to look at Danny. Danny, turned too, rephrasing in his mind what he was going to say. Then Danny frowned and forgot all that was on his mind as saw those all too familiar gray eyes go wide. Anni.

Danny’s basket slipped from his fingers and clattered as it hit the ground. Blushing and fumbling, he awkwardly picked up the basket and looked up, forcing a smile on his face.

“Danny!” The woman cried, pleasantly surprised.

“Anni.” Acknowledged Danny as a wave of memories of smiling grey eyes hit him, making him uneasy.

“Wow. I didn’t expect to bump in to you here, of all places. It’s been so long. What’s up?” She looked genuinely concerned. Anni, his old girlfriend. It had been long.

He glanced at the empty basket and back at her. “Well you know, uh, shopping.” He said, shrugging.

“Ah. Right. I can see that.” She raised an eyebrow. “For diapers?”

Too stunned too speak, he nodded. She frowned then glanced at his hand. His ring felt too tight all of sudden. He had to get it off. He put his hand in his pocket and looked back at the shelves, knowing all too well what Anni was thinking. He didn’t want to make this too big a deal.

“I can’t figure out what size to get. What size do newborns wear?” He asked looking up and down, truly confused. “Size two right?”

“No. Size one unless the newborn’s abnormally healthy. What’s the baby like?”

He sidestepped her question. “Isn’t size one for premature babies?” He asked, looking back at her again. She had gained weight. Her face was rounder and he could sense a slight hint of fat under her chin. But her eyes were just as bright and attractive.

She looked back at him strangely and burst out laughing. “Premature? Oh Danny!”

“I guess not then.” He said, trying to laugh off his silly mistake.

Their hands bumped as he reached for a Huggies and her for a Pampers. “Sorry.” He mumbled. Then he realized his wedding ring was in plain sight. He shoved his hand in his pocket again.

“Married?” She asked nodding towards his pocketed hand. “Uh, yeah.” He said, avoiding her gaze.

...

It is snowing, and they are trudging home, laughing in the snowflakes. “Now I’ve always wanted a ring. A golden ring.” She says, hinting at something he knows only too well.

“Anni, you know me, I’m not the marrying type.”

“Then what guarantee do I have, to know you’re mine and will be mine?” She says coyly, making him laugh. She shakes her head to remove the stray hair from face. Skipping ahead, she turns around sharply and faces him, making him to come to a halt. Her grey eyes are twinkling like stars.

“Seriously, Danny, we have to get married! And maybe kids. Oh how lovely that would be!” He voice rings clear on the lonely road.

He shrugs. “Kids? Come on Anni, they would ruin all the fun of life. Dirty diapers and sleepless nights.”

She shrugs, and stands aside, letting him walk ahead. She puts her arm through his and sighs. “We’re young right now, that’s why. I’m sure you’ll change your mind as time passes.”

He scoffs. “Babies! Come on Anni! I’m sure I won’t.”


...

“Well congratulations then! Bit late I guess. Your baby that you’re shopping for?” She said after a pause, bringing Danny back from his thoughts.

“Uh, yeah.” Danny, said, as he reached for the Huggies size 1 again and placed it in his plastic shopping basket.


“What about you? Who you getting diapers for?” He asked, trying to switch the topic from him to her. She loved babies! “For my step sister.” She said, smiling sadly. Sadly, he did not know why. He glanced at her bare left hand and wondered how life had been for her.

“So it’s a new born! A girl or boy?” She asked, as she brought down a pack of Pampers into her basket, along with a small pack of wipes.

“Well. She’s not born yet. Laura’s due to have her in a week or two.” He said, looking up at the shelf again, pretending to browse through the things, though didn’t need anything else.

“Laura.” She whispered, lost in thought, not knowing that he heard her say that.

...

He dodges and the vases come crashing to the floor, tiny porcelain shards shattering around him. She erupts into sobs, her face in her hands. He hates it when she cries.

“Stop crying.” He shouts. Her hand reaches for the small Buddha statue. She aims it at him, but it slips from her hand, crashes, and she sinks to the ground.

“How could you, Danny?” It’s a rhetorical question, and he doesn’t have an answer. Her sobs are loud, and they hurt him, provoking him.

Clenching his teeth together, he carefully approaches her and kneels down.

“I’m sorry Anni. But it’s over.” He says softly. She looks up, her tragic grey eyes drill into his heart and he flinches. She shakes her head vigorously.

“No! Danny, no!” She cries devastated. “Please we can work it out.” She hurriedly wipes away her tears, her heartrending eyes imploring him. He looks away. But he doesn’t love her anymore. He loves another. How can he be with Anni? He can’t.

He picks up a shard of smooth porcelain, tracing it with his index finger, and shakes his head. “No, Anni. I’m sorry.”

“No Danny, I’m sorry. I promise I won’t break things anymore. Please. Don’t leave me. Danny, I love you, please Danny.” She looks up at the ceiling, her tears trailing down her neck. “Just don’t see that witch anymore, ok? You can get another job and you won’t have to see her. Or we can move and start over. Oh Danny!” She pleads.


...


Anni touched him lightly on the arm and he looked up startled. “But that’s wonderful news Danny! You’re going to be a father!” She beamed at him.

He nodded. “Thank you.”

A shrill ring of a phone interrupted them, and Danny realized it was Anni’s phone. Anni placed her shopping basket on the floor. “Excuse me.” She whispered as she rummaged her bag, and finding the phone, the flipped it and held it against her ear, her head sideways so that her hair fell on her face, in an all too familiar way.

“Hello.” She said. “Yea, I’m at the mall… Yes!” She paused listening the other side then frowned, “Jen I’m getting it, ok! Please be patient… Yes I’ll be there.”

She shut the phone down and the frown on her face vanished into a fake broad smile. “My sister. I’m running errands for her. Well I’ve been having to, ever since I moved in with her.” She explained brightly. “Well, I’m getting late, so I have to go.” She said apologetically reaching for her basket.

“Bye.” He said.
“Good bye,” She replied, turning on her heals. “Oh wait!” She stopped and turned, pulling down her bag from her shoulder again. Taking out a pen and paper she hurriedly scribbled something and passed it to Danny.

“My phone number.” She said cheerily hurrying out of the aisle. She turned her head one last time.

“Call me sometime ok? Stay in touch, and uh, when your daughter arrives, let me know.”

He smiled and realized, he had barely asked her anything of her life, but she had already walked out the aisle, and he was not going to run after her. He stared at the piece of paper in his hand. The dashes on the ‘i’, and the fancy ‘A’ were all too familiar, making him nostalgic.

With a heavy heart, Danny also turned around and walked out of the aisle of diapers, wipes and feeders, wondering if he would ever make that call. He doubted it.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
--Ellen DeGeneres




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Hello! I saw that this was for the Imagine contest, and since I also entered the contest I thought I would help...
Reading over, that makes very little sense. Hm. Oh well :) Since I critique as I go, I'll try and wipe out any things like 'why the heck would she do that?!' when it's explained a paragraph later, but if I miss one sorry :)

Department stores made Danny feel uneasy, especially department stores in a mall.

It seems a little repetitive to use phrase 'department stores' twice so close to each other.

Danny shifted the empty basket from his left hand to his right as he scrunched his eyebrows peering at the words hanging above him.

I think this would be a lot better if it was broken into two separate sentences.
Danny shifted the empty basked from his left hand to his right. Scrunching his eyebrows, he peered at the words...

He couldn’t recall [s]all too well[/s].

The 'all too well' is just confusing and not needed.

[s]Then[/s] Danny frowned and forgot...


Haha, just have to say that I love how he thinks that size one is for premature babies... :P

Acknowledged Danny as a wave of memories of smiling grey eyes hit him, making him uneasy.

I've seen people do 'said danny' rather than 'danny said' and honestly unless you are completely consistent and, well, you just really like it, I would suggest changing it. It is just confusing for me to read it that way.

Too stunned to speak, he nodded.

In this paragraph, you have a lot of sentences starting with 'he', watch out for that.


“For my step sister.” She said, smiling sadly. Sadly, he did not know why.

Indent for new speaker. Also, the second sentence makes no sense. Is he wondering why she said it sadly?



Okay, other than that, I like the story, thought the plot was nice and realistic. I think the flashbacks really helped tell the background story.
I am really confused as to how in the world you got that from prompt one. ((I also chose prompt one, but my story is completely different!))
:)




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Hello! *gets right to the point*

I really enjoyed your story. It was well written, had well placed flashbacks, and made a rather boring event seem eventful and interesting. (Seriously, how many people can write about buying diapers? Lol)

My main problem with this story was the lack of a point. You gave us a snippet of the characters' lives, but they didn't change, they didn't overcome a problem. We saw a girl who still isn't over a guy try to talk to him. It left me wondering what happened next, and not in a good way. The story didn't feel like it concluded. I wanted the boy to realize the one in the store was better for him, or for the girl to get over him, or something. I want their lives to change.

The scene with the breakup was your weakest point. The emotions seemed so forced, and you seemed to be shoving it all in there. We didn't know that the boy and girl were having problems, and then you suddenly have them crying. Try to show us their fading relationship, and let the girl's voice be a little more realistic when it comes to the actual break up.

Also, there's a little thing at the end – how's she know it's a girl? :)

(Oh, and just so you know, I don't do nit-picks, but there are some grammar/spelling mistakes in there.)

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415




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I'll be short here, because I honestly couldn't find much to critique on.
I really like the story, it's pretty unique in a way. I really enjoyed the flashbacks. It gives more of an understanding to his actions and moods around her. I also saw that you never answered the question of "boy or girl" when she said something about him having a daughter...
Sometimes the sentences didn't really flow, maybe a bit awkward at times, but I can't remember any specifics.
Either that, or I'm just too tired and can't stay in focus XD

All in all, I liked it a lot. Not too long, and not too short.

Great job :)
"The differences in life are what create the challenges which open the door to discovery."




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Hey there.

Good read (: Now this is going to sound VERY picky, but that's just me. I noticed you used the word 'uneasy' twice. I think in a short story, it's good if you can stay away from using the same words twice - people reading it will most likely pick up on it and why use the same word when there's another great synonym you can use?

I loved it though, it was very realistic and you made such a rather boring everyday situation into something interesting and meaningful. You could almost draw on the couple in this story and create a long story - give it a go sometime (:

Happy writing!
"The reason one writes isn't the fact he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say." - F. Scott Fitzgerald




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Mizz! So YOU are the reason why there's diaper ads around YWS! I think you should be proud. I was really baffled why they started showing up. Or maybe I'm wrong and you have nothing to do with them. Either way, it's a bit funny! Onto the review.

Danny shifted the empty basket from his left hand to his right as he scrunched his eyebrows peering at the words hanging above him.

There should be a comma in here. After eyebrows, since the peering feels seperate from the scrunching of the eyebrows, ha.

“Excuse me?” She turned to look at Danny. Danny, turned too, rephrasing in his mind what he was going to say. Then Danny frowned and forgot all that was on his mind as saw those all too familiar gray eyes go wide. Anni.

I never thought "then" looked too good in short stories. Maybe try rephrasing this so you don't have to rely on that word. The sentence can stand on its own without it.

“Danny!” The woman cried, pleasantly surprised.[/qupte]
"The" doesn't need to be capitalized.

“Anni.” Acknowledged Danny as a wave of memories of smiling grey eyes hit him, making him uneasy.

This is very awkward and also gramatically incorrect. "Anni," <--- there needs to be a comma after this, because with a dialogue tag like "___ed Danny", the sentence isn't actually over with and continues after the quotation marks. I think I explained that badly. Senteces with dialogue tags need to look like this: "'Yes,' said Danny". See what I mean? Also, that means "Acknowledged" shouldn't be capitalized, as the dialogue and the rest are all one sentence. Correctly: "Annie," acknowledged Danny".

It had been long.

You need to add more to this. It had been long. What had been long? A long while? You need to say this.

“Well you know, uh, shopping.” He said, shrugging.

The rule for dialogue I previously explained applies here. Correct: "Well you know, uh, shopping," he said, shrugging.

I think it doesn't really make sense that Danny is trying to hide his wedding ring from her. To hide his wedding ring would imply that he doesn't want her to think that he's married. The only reason he would want that would be he wants her to still think he's available so he could stir up something between them again. Yet, all the reasons that he would hide his wedding ring don't actually apply to his actual intentions in the story. He doesn't want to get back with her. And hiding it because of guilt seems very weak, because the only alternative to being married is being single and I can't imagine he wants to send out those vibes to her. And he doesn't seem to have been close to her enough in the past to currently want to hide reality from her.

It's a really nice concept, but I think to make this a stronger story it's necessary to add more to the history of Anni and Danny. Right now, all we have is one scene where they disagree on life preferences, and one where they break up. This makes it seem like Anni was an unimportant past girlfriend. You need to make her an important ex-girlfriend for us to care. Or else, what meaning does this story hold? There needs to be more love in their past.

Try adding that to their history, revise. And then repost! Keep writing! PM me if you have questions.

~ Clo
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