The Rogue ~ Two

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~My readers, I thank you for the helpful and supportive criticism you have gave me. Enjoy, reading!~

Chapter Two

Lady Amelia slightly turned her head to the left as she raised her hand to her companion's forearm. “Emma, dear. Are you quite all right?”
Except Emma didn't say anything, for she was gazing hopelessly at Sir Hugh. Confusion appeared before Lady Amelia's face, as questions formed within her thoughts. Why is Emma staring at Sir Hugh like that?
The silence was broke when Sir Hugh spoke, “I am sincerely sorry, Lady Amelia for bumping into your-” He glanced at Emma, “pretty friend.” Immediately heat rose upon Emma's cheeks as she raised her right hand for him. Sir Hugh took her hand and lightly kissed it while he glanced at her.
Lady Amelia was astounded. Never in her waking years as a lady, has she seen such open forms of affection. Are they long lost friends? Or long departed lovers?
She pushed away her thoughts as she broke the awkwardness, “Sir Hugh. Do excuse us, for we are to retire from a long journey.”
Emma and Sir Hugh backed away from each other, “I see. But I was thinking that maybe you two ladies would like to see the park where the lake is.”
“The lake?”
Emma then cut in, “Do say yes, Amelia. When can retire to our rooms in the evening.” She said in a begged tone.
Lady Amelia took in a breath, “Very well.”
“Good.” Sir Hugh announced, only loud enough for them to hear. “Take my arm, for we are to see the wonders of the park.” Lady Amelia heard her friend giggle, as she took the right side of his arm.
They made their way out of the gallery, and to the lobby. “Lady Ridgeway.”
Lady Amelia stopped in her tracks, and heard the man behind the information desk call for her.
“Is everything all right, Amelia?” Emma asked, worryingly.
“Yes. But do go without me, I'll be outside in a few.” Emma and Sir Hugh left without her as she approached the counter. “Yes?” She asked the gentleman.
He looked down at something in his hand, “You have a letter.”
Confusion again, appeared before her face, “A letter?”
“Yes.” He said shortly. For the man was busy with other things.
She took the letter and placed it inside her small purse. Afterwards she turned to the front entrance, and two gentlemen opened the glass doors and she went outside.
As Lady Amelia came to the carriage that Sir Hugh had acquired for them, he lifted her up, and she sat down. He then pulled the reins and the open carriage began to move.
Conversation went by, as Lady Amelia kept to herself. Then soon enough, she heard Sir Hugh say something to her.
“Pardon?” She looked up at him.
“You friend, Miss Emma, says that her parents payed for you two to stay at the Grand Hotel.”
“Quite so.”
“And your parents?” And at his words she looked down. “I see.”
A mere second passed and she lifted her face towards him, “They died when I was eight. It was a horrible carriage accident. My father and mother were going to a ball during a cold, Winter night.”
“My apologies.”
She gave a weak smile, knowing she didn't want to talk about it, “I still keep them dear to my heart.”
“And you are staying with?”
“The Gray's. Until I marry, I will stay them for now.”
“Ah, marriage.” At his words, he gave a smile that she couldn't understand. Why is he smiling like that? The carriage then, came to a halt as they made it to the park. “We're here.”
Lady Amelia looked around at the wonders of the park. “It's absolutely divine.” She whispered to herself.
Sir Hugh came around after lifting Emma off of the carriage and did the same with Lady Amelia. The three of them strolled upon the gravel path, as they made it to the overlooking bridge.
The bridge was quite large as it covered the lake as ducks, swans and other sorts of birds floated upon the clear water.
They came to the edge, as Lady Amelia heard Sir Hugh and Emma conversing again. Time after time, she took in the smell of the fresh air and smiled on how life was.
Then suddenly, she heard something. She slightly turned her neck over her shoulder and saw two ladies. They were pacing quite slow, as the plump lady in a light red walking gown spoke to the skinner lady in white, “Didn't you hear?”
Lady Amelia wasn't accustomed to overhear conversations, so she turned her head back to the lake.
“Hear what?” It's just mere gossip. She thought to herself.
“That he came back and stole another maiden's fortune.”
“Who?”
“The Rogue.” The conversation was cut off as they made their way off the bridge. Except Lady Amelia was a bit confused. Who is the rogue? And what is he doing stealing fortunes?
The only person that she could ask about this man was Sir Hugh.
She tapped her finger on Sir Hugh's hand, “Sir Hugh. May I ask you something?” He turned around as Emma did also.
“Yes, Lady Amelia?”
“Knowing that Emma and I have just arrived here in town and haven't heard the latest gossip. But I do have one thing to ask.” She paused on how she was going to say it, “Who. Is the rogue?”
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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Lady Amelia slightly turned her head to the left as she raised her hand to her companion's forearm. “Emma, dear, are you quite all right?”
[s]Except[/s] Emma didn't say anything, for she was gazing hopelessly at Sir Hugh. Confusion appeared [s]before[/s] on Lady Amelia's face, no need for comma. as questions formed within her thoughts. Why is [s]Emma[/s] she staring at Sir Hugh like that? How did confusion show on her face? Raised or downward eyebrows? I'd like to see her expression, and I can't right now.
The silence was broke when Sir Hugh spoke. “I am sincerely sorry, Lady Amelia, for bumping into your-” he glanced at Emma -“pretty friend.” Immediately heat rose upon Emma's cheeks as she raised her right hand for him. Sir Hugh took her hand and lightly kissed it while he glanced at her. Who's "her"? Amelia or Emma?
Lady Amelia was astounded. Never in her waking years as a lady, Again, no need for comma. has she seen such open forms of affection. Are they long lost friends? Or long departed lovers?
She pushed away her thoughts as she broke the awkwardness, “Sir Hugh, do excuse us[s], for[/s] . We are to retire from a long journey.”
Emma and Sir Hugh backed away from each other. “I see," he said, "But I was thinking that [s]maybe[/s] perhaps you two ladies would like to see the park where the lake is?I'm not positive on this, but I think it sounds better with a question mark after it instead of a period. :)
“The lake?”
Emma then cut in, “Do say yes, Amelia. When (Should this be "then" or "we"? It doesn't work in its present form.) can retire to our rooms in the evening,she begged.[s]said in a begged tone. [/s]
Lady Amelia took in a breath and said, “Very well.”
“Good,” Sir Hugh announced, only loud enough for them to hear. Is there anyone else around? I didn't know. :) “Take my arm, for we are to see the wonders of the park.” Lady Amelia heard her friend giggle, No comma. as she took the right side of his arm.
They made their way out of the gallery[s], and[/s] to the lobby.
New paragraph.“Lady Ridgeway.”
Lady Amelia stopped in her tracks, and heard the man behind the information desk call for her.
“Is everything all right, Amelia?” Emma asked, worryingly. Why would there be anything to worry about? I think this emotion is too soon.
“Yes. But do go without me, I'll be outside in a [s]few[/s] moment.” Emma and Sir Hugh left without her as she approached the counter.
NP“Yes?” She asked the gentleman.
He looked down at something in his hand and said, “You have a letter.”
Confusion again, appeared before her face. “A letter?”
“Yes," he said shortly[s]. For the man[/s] for he was busy with other [s]things[/s] matters.
She took the letter and placed it inside her small purse. Afterwards she turned to the front entrance, and after two gentlemen opened the glass doors and she went outside.
As Lady Amelia came to the carriage that Sir Hugh had acquired for them, he lifted her up, and she sat down. He then pulled the reins and the open carriage began to move. This was awfully tell not show. You should elaborate on the color, shape, or style of the carriage, or the horses. Right now it's "went here, went there, did this, did that."
The conversation went by, [s]as[/s] and Lady Amelia kept to herself all the while. [s]Then s[/s] Soon enough, she heard Sir Hugh say something to her.
“Pardon?” She looked up at him.
“You friend, Miss Emma, says that her parents payed for you two to stay at the Grand Hotel.” Payed her two what? Or should it be too? Or does he mean her parents gave them money to stay at the hotel? I'm confused. :lol:
“Quite so.”
“And your parents?” And at his words she looked down. “Oh. I see.”
A mere second passed and she lifted her face towards him, “They died when I was eight. It was a horrible carriage accident. My father and mother were going to a ball [s]during[/s] on a cold, no comma [s]W[/s] winter night.”
“My apologies.”
She gave a weak smile, knowing she didn't want to talk about it. “I still keep them dear to my heart.”
“And you are staying with . . .?”
“The Grays. Until I marry, I will [s]stay them for now.[/s] I will remain with them.
“Ah, marriage.” At his words, he gave a smile that she couldn't understand. Why is he smiling like that? She seems to take particular note of the obvious. The carriage then, no comma came to a halt as they [s]made it to[/s] reached the park. “We're here.”
Lady Amelia looked around at the wonders of the park. “It's absolutely divine,” she whispered to herself. Uh . . . are you going to show us those amazing wonders of the park?
Sir Hugh came around after lifting Emma off of the carriage and did the same with Lady Amelia. The three of them strolled upon the gravel path, no comma as they made it to the overlooking bridge.
The bridge was quite large[s] as [/s] ;it covered the lake [s]as[/s] and ducks, swans and other sorts of birds floated upon the clear water.
They came to the edge, [s]as[/s] and Lady Amelia heard Sir Hugh and Emma conversing again. Time after time, she took in the smell of the fresh air and smiled on how life was.
Then suddenly, she heard something. She slightly turned her neck over her shoulder and saw two ladies. Description? They were pacing quite slow, as the plump lady in a light red walking gown spoke to the skinnier lady in white, “Didn't you hear?”
Lady Amelia wasn't accustomed to overhear conversations, so she turned her head back to the lake.
“Hear what?” It's just mere gossip. She thought to herself.
“That he came back and stole another maiden's fortune.”
“Who?”
“The Rogue.” The conversation was cut off as they made their way off the bridge. [s]Except[/s] Lady Amelia was a bit confused. She seems to be confused a lot. Who is the rogue? And what is he doing stealing fortunes?
The only person that she could ask about this man was Sir Hugh.
She tapped her finger on Sir Hugh's hand, “Sir Hugh, may I ask you something?” He turned around as Emma did also.
“Yes, Lady Amelia?”
“[s]Knowing that[/s] Emma and I have just arrived here in town and haven't heard the latest gossip. But I [s]do[/s] have one thing to ask.” She paused on how she was going to say it, “Who is the Rogue?”


OVERALL: The story is good and developing well. I just have to say that you need to describe things more to give us a better mental picture. Right now it's pretty bare. But most of my corrections are grammatical. You over use commas where they are not needed and use "as" a lot. Try to avoid those two things in the future. :)

Hope this helped.

~Sunny




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Hey Merry!


Sorry, Merry, sorry I'm late getting to this. I just started writing The Jane Effect again and I've modified it and changed the title to Rendition . I'll PM you when I post it, if you have time to review anything.

But anyways, I love love love this story and it has a lot of potential. Ooh the Rogue? Who is he? I bet you it's Hugh but that would be too obvious oh but but please post more I want to keep reading.

There were only two things that irked me. You used wonderful imagery in the first chapter and here you cut us short. I think a little more description is in order.

And if you're going to write out her thoughts, try to make it not so modern.

Why is Emma staring at Sir Hugh like that?


Try: Why is Emma's eyes perusing Sir Hugh in such ways? 'Like that' just seems too modern, so I'd suggest a modification.

Why is he smiling like that?


Try: Why does his lips pull in that (adjective) way. I'd say mysterious way or mischievous way something of that caliber.

They were pacing quite slow, as the plump lady in a light red walking gown spoke to the skinner lady in white, “Didn't you hear?”


I don't like the words 'plump' and 'skinny' here. I'd suggest looking in the thesaurus for something more elegant.

All in all, the story is developing and please please please tell me when you post more.

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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*200397 & Angel of Death~

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!! I really appreciate the criticism you gave me. When. I have time I will revise this chapter. Again, thank you for the nit-picks. :D

*Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<



HONK
— The Golden Goose