Fear

Derived from the deepest shadows, feeding off of fear
Growing with each passing sundown, dieing with the dawning light
They’re looking forward to the future, stinking of pain and blood and terror
Of a day when there’s no more sun, and they can take us over

They’re that shudder down your spine, the high pitched whistling in the trees
The voice that calls your name so softly, only you can hear
We all know that they’re right behind us, waiting in the dark
Held off by our disbelief, but just one person is enough

Thousands of them look at us when they think we can’t see
Eyes a bloody red, they’re corrupted of humanity
Looking in through windows, while every night we sleep
So soundly in our beds, while in terror the children weep

They aren’t the cause of death and torturer, they only bank the coals
So again and again the fire will rise, and consume us whole
Eating away at our flesh and bone, until there’s nothing left
Only an empty shell of hope, hope for what we could have been

Their voices come from victims screams, heard only in the dark
Their bodies are the shadows cast, by people standing in the light
Filled with hunger, all consuming, wanting to be free
So the feed off our terror, to take away the sting

I am one of them now, unable to break free
Sucked in by the deepest sorrow, driven by my greed
Incessant hunger knowing at my body, mind and soul
Dieing in the sun, breeding in the night

You’ll never kill us, but rule you we just might

Excuse me, but you're supposed to review two works before posting any of your own. I'd love to critique this, but I'd appreciate this if you reviewed first. Once you've done that, you can PM me and I'll review this.

Amaya3176 wrote:Derived from the deepest shadows, feeding off of fear

Growing with each passing sundown, dieing with the dawning light
Growing with each passing sundown, dying with the dawning light
They’re looking forward to the future, stinking of pain and blood and terror
They're looking forward to the future, stinking of pain, blood, and terror,
Of a day when there’s no more sun, and they can take us over
Of a day when there's no sun and they can take us over.


They’re that shudder down your spine, the high pitched whistling in the trees
The voice that calls your name so softly, only you can hear
We all know that they’re right behind us, waiting in the dark
We all know they're right behind us, waiting in the dark.
Held off by our disbelief, but just one person is enough
We're held off by our disbelief, but just one person is enough


Thousands of them look at us when they think we can’t see
Thousands of them look at us when they think we can't see--
Eyes a bloody red, they’re corrupted of humanity
Eyes a bloody red, they're the corrupted of humanity--
Looking in through windows, while every night we sleep
So soundly in our beds, while in terror the children weep
So soundly in our beds, while in terror children weep.


They aren’t the cause of death and torturer, they only bank the coals
They aren't the cause of death and torture, they only bank the coals
So again and again the fire will rise, and consume us whole
Eating away at our flesh and bone, until there’s nothing left
Eating away our flesh and bone, until they're nothing left except
Only an empty shell of hope, hope for what we could have been
an empty shell of hope, hope for what we could have been.


Their voices come from victims screams, heard only in the dark
Their voices come from victim's screams, heard only in the dark
Their bodies are the shadows cast, by people standing in the light
Their bodies are the shadows cast by peope standing in the light.
Filled with hunger, all consuming, wanting to be free
They're filled with hunger, all consuming, wanting to be free,
So the feed off our terror, to take away the sting
So they feed off of our terror, to take away the sting.


I am one of them now, unable to break free
Sucked in by the deepest sorrow, driven by my greed
Sucked in by deepest sorrow, driven by my greed and
Incessant hunger knowing at my body, mind and soul
Incessant hunger gnawing at my body, mind, and soul.
Dieing in the sun, breeding in the night
Dying in the sun, breeding in the night,


You’ll never kill us, but rule you we just might
You will never kill us, but rule you we just might.

The bold lines are revised versions, technical things I thought should be changed. Where I cut out, change, or add words, it's to improve the rhythm. In some places you had lines that were too lengthy so it interrupted the flow you had going. There were also a few places where I added some punctuation, I just wanted you to notice that.
You misspell 'dying' in two places.
Also notice that I added periods to the end of each verse.

If you have any questions about any of the changes I made, go ahead and send me a PM. I probably won't see it if you reply in this thread.

Good luck with this.