Mile-marker Zero

Any and all critiquing will be appreciated and treasured.



Mile-marker Zero
Orange faded to pink,
Pink deepened to rose.
Water glisened;
Sand cast shadows in on itself,
Ridges trying to mimic it's bluer counterpart.

Sun set in the right;
Tinted faintly by the peeling gold aviators
Resting on my nose.

Straight above me, half of Moon,
Poked out behind Cloud.
Trying to see if Su still was playing
Hide and seek.

Midst Ocean's many toes,
Jetty climbed precariously.
Hoping Wave didn't try and wash away
The blushing bride and well groomed groom,
Standing near it's bellybutton.

Behind me, Highway's back was
Scared with little tire track.

Parting Sea-grapes many roots, was
Metal, old and rusted,
Apologizing still, to Sea-grape
For the rude poke it gave unwilling.

Rose faded again to orange,
Orange gave way to purple.
Telling Shadow and Sun sleep was fast approaching.

Jetty heaved a sigh of relief
As its passengers
Waltzed, dry still, back towards Sand.

Sea-grape still stayed silent.
Metal still creaked rustily;
Its partner, Sign, trying vainly
To break free.

Sign knew it was needed, though
To tell the world somthing,
That Ocean, nor Sand, Nor Jetty,
Sun, nor Shadow, nor Moon,
Ever would bother to mention.

This place is mile-marker zero-
This place is Key West.





I'm not quite sure on the ending of it, it was more than a little rushed and i would appreciate ideas on modification. Also opinions on the personification in it would be great too. -thanks Lynne

I like the personification, but I think it should be introduced right from the start. Also, I think the poem would be more powerful if it were shorter. The end worked. This needs some proofreading; the spelling and grammar mistakes made it confusing and detracted from the piece. I would love to see a second draft.
-BFG

I agree that the poem might be a bit too long, and that you should check over your spelling because it can be rather confusing. I like what you're attempting here, its something a bit different. I like how although its quite a personal subject (or so I've gathered), you've approached it in an impersonal manner with the personification. Although I think it could use some clarification. Maybe less personification, as you have about ten "characters". Maybe using less personification, but focussing more in depth on the ones you choose? Hmm. Anyway, i did like it. Anything about beaches and aviator sunglasses gets my thumbs up! x

I agree, sadly, for the type of poem this is, it would work much better if you cut out a couple stanzas, or combined them down, or somehting,

other than that, your imagery was... mind-blowing,

I mean, I could see everything... except I wasnt quite sure what I was looking at... huh... go figure...

Islands, the ocean... skies... moons, inaniamte objects as personofied, nice work on that,
anyways, do you live near the Key West? (sounds like somehting I heard of once... islands somewhere... if I am using it in the wrong way, dont mind me)

a good poem, with good imagery and personification,
your rhythym is a bit off, but that isnt a major problem
huh, I just noticed that you had been capitalizing the names of the things from the very beginning.

anyways, a nice poem,
good work,

Peace,
God

i liked the style of the writing