Forbidden Worlds (ch 6 revised)

2 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 34
Jasper turned left to right in front of the mirror inside the Hollister store, admiring the new clothes he was trying on. He wore a gray Hollister shirt and a black leather jacket I had picked out for him. “What do you think?” I asked him as I chewed anxiously on my lip.

“It’s awesome,” he replied. “Thank you.” He nodded towards me with a large grin on his face before he went back into the changing stall to put his normal clothes back on. I looked around at my surroundings as I waited for Jasper. Loud music blasted through the store while people hustled around. Many dummies stood in the middle of the store modeling different types of clothing. I glanced into one of the dummy’s eyes, but immediately looked away as a chill ran up my spine. All these dummies in the mall always creped me out. I don’t know why, but there was just something about them that used to give me nightmares when I was younger and I never got over it. I picked up a green and pink and red shirt and examined it for a few minutes. The shirt was cute, but I hated the colors. When Jasper came out of the changing stall, I walked with him to the counter to purchase the clothes. Afterwards we went back hand in hand out to the crazy busy mall still packed with people. Jasper lead me over to Forever 21. This large store wasn’t as packed and didn’t have any freaky dummies. Colorful clothing hung on racks or folded onto small shelves. I sighed, wondering what was Jasper doing dragging me into such a girly store.

“OK, now it’s my turn. You go wait in a changing stall and I’ll pick you out an outfit,” he demanded, a small grin spread across his face.

“OK,” I shrugged, knowing I probably wouldn’t like the any outfit in the store, but I wanted to please Jasper so I went into one of the changing stalls and waited five to ten minutes before Jasper finally came and tossed a turquoise short, flowy dress over the door.

“Jasper, this is a dress,” I called through the stall.

“So, put it on anyways,” he commanded.

I pressed my lips together and stared at the dress still hanging on door with my hands placed firmly on my hips. Besides the fact that this was a dress, it was also hideous, something Jen, my girly girl friend would wear. Sighing, I pulled off my blue Aeropostale shirt off and replaced it with the dress. Leaving my jeans on, I stalked grumpily out of the changing stall and in front of Jasper. He stared at me up and down for a minute. My hands back on my hips, I watched him as a wide grin appeared on his face.

“You look beautiful,” he complemented, still smiling.

Staring at him awkwardly, I tried to recall the last time someone said something like that to me, but I couldn‘t think of anything. “I’m not really,” I muttered, looking down at my black sneakers.

“Go look in the mirror and see for yourself,” he urged. I went over to one of the mirrors on the other side of the stalls, stared at myself for a minute, and turned around a few times, but I just couldn’t see it. Instead I saw a pale horrifying girl with blacked out eyes and jeans who didn’t know what she was doing in a dress like this. Jasper stood beside me, smiling. “So are you going to get it?” he asked. I thought about it for a minute. I usually never wore dresses or skirts of any kind. However, the way Jasper looked at me and talked about me while I was in it gave me a feeling that I never felt before. Something that made me want to shout out and blush until I was red in the face.

So I grimaced back at Jasper any mumbled, “Oh, all right.”

I watched as his smile grew even larger before I stalked back into the stall and slipped my shirt back on.

Once we were out of the store and back in the middle of the mall, my stomach began to growl, loudly.

“Hungry?” Jasper asked.

“Maybe just a little,” I admitted, blushing. “Come on, I know where we can get the best smoothies.” I grabbed Jasper by the hand and lead him halfway across the mall to a small café. There was no line so we went right up to the counter and ordered. “I would like a strawberry banana smoothie,” I told the lady at the counter with short dark brown hair and squared black glasses. I turned to Jasper.

“Uh, raspberry smoothie,” he muttered.

“Will that be all for you both?” the lady asked in a sweet tone. I nodded, pulling out my black wallet with colorful skulls on them. “Five twenty seven.” I handed the lady the money and she handed us our smoothies.

As I sipped mine, I pulled out my cell phone to check the time and saw that I had nine missed calls. I pressed the view now button and found that they were all from Jen. “Sorry I have to call my BF back,” I muttered to Jasper. “Aprarently she’s extremely eager to talk to me,” I mumbled under my breath. Rolling my eyes, I dialed Jen’s number.

“Liz? Where the heck are you?” Jen shouted frantically.

“Chill out! I’m at the mall with Jasper,” I told her. Jasper walked over to me and stood there sipping his smoothie impatiently. I made a quick glance at him and rolled my eyes.

“I’ve been trying to reach you all day. We were supposed to go over my house and work on our history report today.”

“Crap,” I muttered under my breath. “What time is it?”

“Six thirty.”

“Why don’t we just work on it tomorrow then?”

“Because I have a date tomorrow,” Jen hissed. “Look, Liz I’ll start it, but if you don’t get your butt over here and help, you’re doing the rest yourself.” Before I could say anything else, Jen hung up. I turned to Jasper who was still slowly sipping his smoothie. I shook my head at him and sighed, a large grin slipped out onto my face.

“I have to go work on a report at a friend’s,” I told him.

“Sure thing. I just want to get one more thing. Where do you get one of those music in a box?” he asked.

I grinned. “I’ll show you.” We walked out of the café and I took Jasper to the Radio Shack only a couple of stores down. Inside was like any other Radio Shack except smaller. Shinny cell phones, listening devices, CDs, movies, and other unique robotic toys sat on metal shelves throughout the store. I looked over at Jasper to see his facial expression, expecting it to be somewhat amazed at all these wonderful new electronics that supposedly he hasn’t ever seen before. However, Jasper looked the just the same when he walked into any other store. “Here are all the ipods,” I told him, waving my hand around all tiny portable radios in different sizes and colors. Jasper picked up a silver shuffle and examined it carefully. “Here, you probably want an ipod nano with at least two gigabytes,” I suggested, bending over, searching through the stacks of boxes for the right one. “Do you want silver, black, green, or blue?” I asked.

“Green,” he replied.

“You know these are like two hundred bucks?” I handed him a box with a green ipod nano inside.

“Thanks. Yeah, I think I got it.” We went ahead and got in line. As we waited a flat screen TV perched onto the wall above us played the movie, Elf. Jasper stared up at it and I could see the confused look on his face as his brain went wondering in every direction.

“It’s a TV,” I told him before he got a headache.
“But what are those people doing in it?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the television.

“ Um… Just don’t fret about it too much and you’ll be fine,” I said patting him gently on the back.

When it was our turn in line, I pulled Jasper away from the TV and up to the counter.

“Hey,” the large, chunky red headed man at the said to Jasper who seemed to be in the abyss.

Jasper shook his head away from his thoughts. “Hi,” he muttered handing the man the ipod. The man at the counter scanned it and placed it in a small plastic bag.

“one hundred and eighty five,” he commanded, smiling awkwardly at Jasper. Jasper handed the man the money and took the bag with the ipod in it. He took a few steps backwards and began staring up at the TV again. Laughing, I grabbed Jasper by the arm and dragged him out of the store.

We sat down on a nearby bench to finish the rest of our smoothies in an awkward silence. Once we had thrown our empty cups away, we walked out of the mall and into the cool nights air, a dark, clearless sky hovered over us. Cars were barley moving through the streets let alone the parking lot. Cars were at consistent honking wars, flashing lights scattered here and there. A long, harsh, cold blast of wind blew over us, forcing me to squint and huddle over.

I sighed. “Looks like we’re never going to get home.” I turned to Jasper as a brain wave went over me. “Hey, why don’t you run me over to Jen’s since your such a fast runner,” I suggested, excitedly.

Jasper shook his head. “No way, I already made that mistake once. I’m not going to make it again.”

Pouting, I folded my arms and stared at the cars which were now starting to actually move, waiting for Jasper to change his mind. I glanced over at Jasper without moving my head. I could almost see the wheels turning in his head. When out of nowhere, he grabbed my arm and swung me onto his back. “You better hold on,” he told me, grinning slyly.

Grinning, I wrapped my arms around his neck. Jasper took off running the opposite way we came from. Once again, everything turned into a blur and the harsh wind blew through my hair and against my red face. I tried to look at the buildings ahead of me, but my eyes were weak from the hard wind. Suddenly, Jasper stopped running and his feet were lifted off the ground and into the air. Without moving a single muscle he soared higher and higher into the night sky. I took a deep breath a clutched tighter to Jasper’s neck. My stomach falling all the way to my bottom, I shut my eyes, hoping this was only a nightmare that was going to end soon. However, Jasper continued to fly through the air. Finally my feet were planted firmly on solid ground and the nightmare was over. When I opened my eyes, I found that I was standing on one of the tallest building in Colorado. I gasped and started to stumbled towards the edge. Jasper grabbed my waist and pulled me away. I took my eyes away from the tiny city below me and turned to Jasper.

“What did you do?” I hissed.

“You said you wanted a ride,” he chuckled.

“I didn’t mean for you to fly me up here! I didn’t even know you could fly!” I felt furious with Jasper and scared at being up so high at the same time. Heights were another thing I feared.

“Oh,” Jasper said with a sheepish grin on his face. He pulled me down so we were sitting in the middle of the building. “Just calm down and look up at the stars,”

I breathed slowly and looked up what used to be a clearless night sky, but was now covered with millions of tiny white sparkling dots. Once I turned back over to Jasper, my heart started to slow down a little. “So this is your big secret; you can fly?” I asked Jasper.

“Yeah,” Jasper mumbled.

“There’s more to you though. I can see it in your eyes.”

Jasper turned away. A harsh gust of wind blew past us and I quickly clutched to Jasper’s shoulder. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him, making me feel safer. He felt warm against my frozen body. “Who are you?” I asked him.

“Just a fast, sensitive, loveable guy who has the ability to fly,” he said, smirking.

“I know your much more than that and if you’re not going to tell me I’ll have to figure it out myself.”

“You go right ahead and do that.” Jasper said, rolling his eyes at me.

Sighing, I leaned my head on his shoulder. My eyes began to droop, but I quickly forced them back opened. Receiving the courage, I glanced down below me. I could see tiny lights off the cars, buildings, and houses. Everything else was black and hard to make out.

“Have you ever wondered if there was anything to live for in this world?” I muttered between yawns.

“Sometimes, but I really haven’t been here long enough to figure this world out,” Jasper replied.

“I don’t think we’ll live long enough to figure this world out, only to find our place in it.”

“Have you found your place in it?”

“I’ve been passed around into so many different lives I don’t think I ever will.”

Yawning again, my tired eyes fell. I tried to force them opened again, but I was too weak. The last thing I heard was another gust of wind before I blacked out.
Last edited by twilightxd on Wed Jan 07, 2009 4:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
I'm going to La Push Jacob off a cliff,
and stab him with Forks!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 174
Now, this is looking a little lonely, so I thought I'd pop by and give you a review (:
Just to warn you now, I'm very nit picky (obsessively so =P), so I'll probably get annoying, for which I apologise straightaway!! Anywhoo, I hope this review helps you out (:

twilightxd wrote:Jasper turned left to right in front of the mirror [instantly, I have many questions popping up into my head: what store is this? Is he trying clothes on? What is his facial expression whilst he looks in the mirror? What is your MC doing? What does he think of the clothes he has on (if he's trying them on...? So, to start the chapter off, you need to add in a little more detail, and you'll be away!! =D] inside another store. He wore a gray Hollister shirt and a black leather jacket I had picked out for him [what were her reasons for picking them out? Why did she think they would look good on him? What were her thoughts as she picked them up - try and make this a little more personal to your MC] . “What do you think?” I asked him, eagerly.

“It’s awesome,” he replied. “Thank you.” He nodded towards me and went back into the changing stall to put his normal clothes back on. After he purchased the clothes, we went out of the store into the busy mall [even though you don't really need to go into loads of detail about him going out of the changing room, buying the clothes, etc, and boring us senseless, I still feel as though this bit is a little rushed. So, maybe look over this and add in more thoughts and feelings of your MC. As I haven't read the previous chapters, I'm just guessing, but I'm guessing that the MC and Jasper are an item? If so, you need to show us what makes him special to the MC, add in his own little quirks and make him and your MC's relationship more 3D, and also make Jasper and your MC real 3D characters, that pop out of the computer screen and tell me their story themselves. I'm a real crime of 2D characters, but just a little work on their character development, and you'll be flying!! =D] . Jasper grabbed my hand and lead me over to Forever 21. “OK, now it’s my turn. You go wait in a changing stall and I’ll pick you out an outfit,” he demanded. [New speaker, new paragraph!!>>]“OK,” I shrugged. I went into one of the changing stalls and waited five to ten minutes before Jasper finally came and tossed a turquoise[comma] short, flowy dress over the door.

“Jasper, this is a dress,” I called through the stall. [What are her thoughts towards the dress and Jasper picking out the dress? By this comment, I'm guessing that she thinks he's being funny, because she never wears dresses or something? If so, make this more obvious. Have your MC rolling her eyes, her tone suspicious, her hands tentatively holding the dress away from her like poison... You pick! Just add more thought/emotion into this to make the scene more 3D and obvious to the reader]

“So, put it on anyways,” he commanded. [What can your MC imagine him doing/facial expressions he's pulling?]

Sighing, I pulled off my blue Aeropostale shirt off and replaced it with the dress. Leaving my jeans on, I stalked grumpily out of the changing stall and in front of Jasper [your MC's stance - does she have her hands placed on her hips, or are her arms crossed moodily across her chest...?]. He stared at me up and down for a minute.

“You look beautiful,” he complemented [facial expression!].

Staring at him awkwardly, I tried to recall the last time someone said something like that to me, but I couldn‘t think of anything [this is great! You're adding personal experiences = 3D character]. “I’m not really,” I muttered, looking down at my black sneakers.

“Go look in the mirror and see for yourself,” he urged. I went over to one of the mirrors on the other side of the stalls [I'm trying to conjure up an image of this changing rooms/store in my head, but I'm coming up with nothing. You don't have to overwhelm us with loads of descriptions, telling us exactly where things are placed, but you also don't want your readers frantically trying to imagine the room the characters are in, because then it will be harder to imagine these characters doing what their doing, which isn't what we want!! As I've said before, you want your characters popping out and telling us the story, along with the image of their surroundings. Don't worry though, this is one of my most major crimes. The best thing for you to do is close your eyes, have a scrap piece of paper in front of you and play the scene out through your head like a film, and jot down any specific bits of scenery/surroundings, or facial expressions of the characters, etc...], stared at myself for a minute, and turned around a few times, but I just couldn’t see it [so what does she see in the mirror instead of what Jasper says is a beautiful girl? A plain girl looking incredibly grumpy and out of place in a dress and jeans...? Close your eyes, imagine and write (: ]. Jasper stood beside me, smiling. “So are you going to get it?” he asked. I thought about it for a minute. I usually never wore dresses or skirts. However, the way Jasper looked at me and talked about me while I was in it gave me a feeling that I never felt before [describe!! Show instead of tell (another of my major crimes =P)]. So I slipped my shirt back on and went to the counter to buy the dress.

Once we were out of the store and back in the middle of the mall, my stomach began to growl, loudly.

“Hungry?” Jasper asked.

“Maybe just a little,” I admitted, blushing. “Come on, I know where we can get the best smoothies.” I grabbed Jasper by the hand and lead him halfway across the mall to a small café. There was no line so we went right up to the counter and ordered. “I would like a strawberry banana smoothie,” I told the lady at the counter. I turned to Jasper.

“Uh, raspberry smoothie,” he muttered.

“Will that be all for you both?” the lady[describe this wonderful new character!!=P] asked. I nodded, pulling out my black wallet with colorful skulls on them. “Five twenty seven.” I handed the lady the money and she handed us our smoothies.

As I sipped mine, I pulled out my cell phone to check the time and saw that I had nine missed calls. I pressed the view now button and found that they were all from Jen. Rolling my eyes, I dialed Jen’s number. [Surely before doing so, she would tell Jasper? Also, through this paragraph, I'm wondering a bit about Jasper, so don't hold back and tell me more!! =D]

“Liz? Where the heck are you?” Jen shouted,[delete comma] frantically [s]through the other line[/s] [unnecessary information - we all know how a phone works].

“Chill out! I’m at the mall with Jasper,” I told her.

“I’ve been trying to reach you all day. We were supposed to go over my house and work on our history report,[delete comma] today.”

“Crap,” I muttered under my breath. “What time is it?”

“Six thirty.”

“Why don’t we just work on it tomorrow then?”

“Because I have a date tomorrow,” Jen hissed. “Look[comma] Liz,[delete comma] I’ll start it, but if you don’t get your butt over here and help, you’re doing the rest yourself.” Before I could say anything else, Jen hung up. I turned to Jasper who [s]seemed to be[/s] [your characters can't 'seem to be' doing something: they either are or they aren't, so I would replace this with was] minding his own business, slowly sipping his smoothie. [At the moment I'm confused of their whereabouts - are they sat outside the place where they bought their smoothies, or are they just simply standing outside the place? I know it's trivial, but I want to know!! (see, I told you I would get annoying). Also, thoughts/emotions of your MC =P]

“I have to go work on a report at a friend’s,” I told him.

“Sure thing. I just want to get one more thing. Where do you get one of those music in a box?” he asked.

I grinned. “I’ll show you.” I took Jasper to the Radio Shack only a couple of stores down. Inside was like any other Radio Shack except smaller [expand!]. “Here are all the iPods,” I told him, waving my hand around all i-pods [you've already mentioned the iPods - try and rephrase the sentence without using the word again. You have to trust your readers - your MC has said here are the iPods, so a sufficient I gestured in the direction of them laid out in all sizes and colours but a lot better put - and expand on the sizes and colours - which colours attracts your MC...?] in different sizes and colors. Jasper picked up a silver shuffle and examined it carefully. “Here, you probably want an iPod nano with at least two gigabytes,” I suggested, bending over, searching through the stacks of boxes for the right one. “Do you want silver, black, green, or blue?” I asked.

“Green,” he replied.

“You know these are like two hundred bucks?” I handed him a box with a green iPod nano inside.

“Thanks. Yeah, I think I got it.” He paid for the iPod and we left the store [again, a little too rushed! Close your eyes, picture the scene and then write the necessary information/descriptions]. After we finished our smoothies, we walked out of the mall into the cool night[s]s[/s] air. A clear night's sky hovered over us [brilliant, you started a description - now let's finish it! I'm doing this quickly, so I know you can do a lot better - this is just to give you a few pointers. Now, let's take it from where you left off: ... over us; stars winking down merrily at us. It looked so peaceful up there - that was more than could be said for down here; life was being rushed instead of enjoyed. Screaming children clinging onto their mothers' arms, taxis honking their horns and flashing their lights; it could become very manic outside of this shopping centre. Now, I know that stank quite badly, and I know you can do better, but do you see where I'm coming formn - I'm describing the scene plus adding in your MC's thoughts/emotions. So, now it's your turn: close your eyes (you're going to get sooo annoyed at me for keeping on repeating this), picture yourself walking out of a shopping centre at night into a busy street and then put yourself in your MC's shoes - what does she think about this? What are her first thoughts to enter her head as she surveys all this hustle and bustle... and then write it!! Simple, right? :D]. The streets were packed and there wasn’t a cab in sight.

I sighed. “Looks like we’re never going to get home.” I turned to Jasper as a brain wave went over me. “Hey, why don’t you run me over to Jen’s since you're such a fast runner,” I suggested.

Jasper shook his head. “No way, I already made that mistake once. I’m not going to make it again.”

Pouting, I folded my arms and stared at the passing cars, waiting for Jasper to change his mind [was your MC sure that he would? Did she survey his face as he changed his mind? What expressions crossed it...?]. Suddenly [first off, try to refrain by starting a word with 'suddenly' or any other word like it: it takes the surprise out of the sentence and also, try (if you can) to find another word. I know it's hard to refrain from using a word such as suddenly, but please try (: ], he grabbed my arm and swung me onto his back. “You better hold on,” he told me.

Grinning, I wrapped my arms around his neck. Jasper took off running the opposite way we came from. Once again, everything turned into a blur and the harsh wind blew through my hair and against my red face [brilliant imagery and descriptions - I love it!! Now all you need to do, is do this throughout this piece (: ]. I tried to look at the buildings ahead of me, but my eyes were weak from the hard wind. Suddenly, Jasper stopped running and his feet were lifted off the ground and into the air. Without moving a single muscle he soared higher and higher into the night sky. I took a deep breath a clutched tighter to Jasper’s neck. My stomach falling all the way to my bottom, I shut my eyes, hoping this was only a nightmare that was going to end soon. However, Jasper continued to fly through the air. Finally my feet were planted firmly on solid ground and the nightmare was over. When I opened my eyes, I found that I was standing on one of the tallest buildings in Colorado. I gasped and started to stumble[s]d[/s] towards the edge. Jasper grabbed my waist and pulled me away. I took my eyes away from the tiny city below me and turned to Jasper.

“What did you do?” I hissed.

“You said you wanted a ride,” he chuckled.

“I didn’t mean for you to fly me up here! I didn’t even know you could fly!”

“Oh,” Jasper said with a sheepish grin on his face. He pulled me down so we were sitting in the middle of the building. “Just calm down and look up at the stars,”

I breathed slowly and looked up what used to be a clear[delete gap]less night sky, but was now covered with millions of tiny white sparkling dots [another brilliant description. See, you can do it!!]. “So this is your big secret; you can fly?” I asked Jasper.

“Yeah,” Jasper mumbled.

“There’s more to you though. I can see it in your eyes.”

Jasper turned away. A harsh gust of wind blew past us and I quickly clutched to Jasper’s shoulder. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him, making me feel safer. He felt warm against my frozen body. “Who are you?” I asked him.

“Just a fast, sensitive, loveable guy who has the ability to fly.” [tone of voice, facial expression, I had a brilliant image of what was happening, but it's slipping away]

“I know your much more than that and if you’re not going to tell me I’ll have to figure it out myself.”

“You go right ahead and do that.”

[Try and break up dialogue as much as you can - the easiest thing is to do that lovable thing - refer back to your MC's thoughts and emotions and also describe movements, facial expressions, tone of voice...]

Sighing, I leaned my head on his shoulder. My eyes began to droop, but I quickly forced them back opened. Receiving the courage, I glanced down below me. I could see tiny lights off the cars, buildings, and houses. Everything else was black and hard to make out. “Have you ever wondered if there was anything to live for in this world?” I muttered between yawns.

“Sometimes, but I really haven’t been here long enough to figure this world out,” Jasper replied.

“I don’t think we’ll live long enough to figure this world out, only to find our place in it.”

“Have you found your place in it?”

[Again, break up dialogue...]

“I’ve been passed around into so many different lives I don’t think I ever will.” Yawning again, my [s]tiered[/s] tired eyes fell. I tried to force them opened again, but I was too weak. The last thing I heard was another gust of wind before I blacked out. [Great way to end it (: ]


Overall Thoughts
Now you probably don't like me much now, but please, give me a chance I really am a nice person who wants to help take this already good piece of writing and make it a million times better to match your writing ability! I'm sorry if I was harsh or rude sounding at all through that, I do it with the best intentions (:

Now, the major thing you need to work on is your description and your characters. The plot of this was absolutely great; this was a nice story, and I can tell it will be a nice novel when (if you already haven't) finish it.

2D to 3D
Now to make your characters more 3D - meaning they are more than just walking talking imaginary people on paper - you need to develop them more. You need to make Jasper more personal to your MC. For example, in Twilight, Bella knows Edward's facial expressions and what mood he's in by them, or the reaction he'll have, etc. She can tell whether something's up or isn't. The same goes for Jacob and Edward for Bella - they all have their personal experiences of one another, which makes the characters more 3D and more real to us, don't you think?
So, the best thing for you to do is to get two pieces of paper - one for Jasper and one for your MC - and do a short biography for them. You can draw a picture of them if you think that helps, or you can put yourself totally in their shoes and write the bio in first person, whatever will help you, and write every little detail about them, no matter how trivial it seems, so when you get to writing, you will know your characters so much better, I can guarantee it. For example, if I'm bored I jig my leg up and down, maybe one of your characters tap their fingers if their bored. If I'm thinking or listening during class I'll chew a pen, so maybe one of your characters could chew their bottom lip when their thinking... You choose! But I think the best thing is to go from personal experiences - observe your family and friends and see what traits they have that you think your character may have something similar...? I don't know, but remember you make the character, but make sure their actions fit their personality and this should all help along to make your characters more 3D.

Relationship
This is another 3D thing - but I think you should also work on Jasper and your MC's relationship, so it's more understandable and believable. For example when you next read Twilight or Eclipse take extra notice on how Stephenie Meyer portrays the relationships of Edward and Bella, Jacob and Bella, Edward and his family, Bella and Alice or any other member of the Cullen family, Bella and Renee, Bella and Charlie. Look at the difference between them and how she makes their relationships 3D (I'm using Twilight as an example, as I can tell you're a fan :D ).

Finally... description
Near the end of your story you had fantastic descriptions and imagery, so I know you can do it, it's just a question of enhancing that and putting it all the way through. So, what you need to be doing is (remember this fickle friend =P) closing your eyes and picturing the scene, letting it unfold out in front of you like a movie and then writing it down using all 5 senses: touch, hear, smell, feel and see.
So remember: close your eyes, watch the scene, and then write it!

I really hope this review helped you out and sorry about the length of it - I do like to blab on a lot =P and also if I was harsh, I do have your best intentions, I promise :D. This was a great chapter with great potential, and just well done overall, you really did do a great job of this (:
If you have any more questions or anything at all, please feel free to PM me and I'll be happy to help :D

Keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx
"Don't think, or judge. Just Listen."



all of my friends talk to me like a dog rooting through a trashcan
— winterwolf0100