Isaac?

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Poetry isn't my strong suit, but I'm giving this a try.

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Isaac?

I see this person everyday,
He catches my eyes,
That's all I can say.

Isaac, Michael, David, Jacob,
Which one are you adressed by?
I can only hope to find out, I sigh.

Your skin; snow pale
Your eyes; sea blue
Your face; angelic.

I see you peer at me,
It makes me flutter.
Oh, do you know,
How I feel?
Or am I just in sight,
And cannot be concealed?

One thing is for sure;
You catch my eyes,
And that's all I can say.
Last edited by SpencerNolanRivers on Tue Jan 06, 2009 10:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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If this is your first try, it's really good. However, there were a few parts that seemed strange to me. But first, a little nitpicking.

consealed


That should be 'concealed'.

Thats


It should be 'That's'.

First point, your rhyming is inconsistent. At the beginning, you start with ABA. Then, you switch to CDD. Then, it seems like you abandon rhyming altogether. Or maybe this wasn't supposed to be rhyming and I'm making a useless comment. If you were trying to rhyme, it seems a little forced.

I see this person everyday,


In your first stanza, you say 'this person'. However, for the rest of your poem, you refer to the person as 'you'. This is a bit strange.

My last comment is that the feelings and emotions weren't expressed fully. I know that the speaker has a crush on someone but I can't feel it. Try and make the emotions more pronounced, and I think you'll have a lovely poem.

Hoped that helped!
There once was a cat.
He wasn’t particularly fat.
Fuzzy was his favorite mat.
And really, that was that.

Oh, but did you really think so?
Keep reading, it’s just the start of the show!
And as for how far this tale will go…
Well, even the cat doesn’t know.




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Hello. I'm Nixie.:)

Anyway, on your poem... I wasn't sure wether it was supposed to rhyme in some parts or not at all in the whole poem. It kinda confused me for a moment.

In the first stanza everyday and say rhymes while sigh and by rhymes in the second stanza.
I see this person everyday,
He catches my eyes,
Thats all I can say.

Isaac, Michael, David, Jacob,
Which one are you adressed by?
I can only hope to find out, I sigh.


Then the third and fifth stanzas don't rhyme at all. The 4th has concealed and feel rhyming. I just found it odd that there were rhymes in some stanzas then none at all in the other. But anyway, disregarding my comments on the rhythm. This poem was quite good. I love how the last stanza connects to the first stanza. And I also love how the words are so simple and sweet and gets the message and feel across easily.
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you.:)



There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley