Bad Weather.

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 115
Bad Weather.
Rain.
It is cold but not as cold as it used to be. The car is shrinking by the minute, getting more uncomfortable, I can’t breathe. I hate it when this happens. I’ve been watching her door for hours, a whole damn night, she hasn’t come out yet, she’s still in there with him. Why women hurt men like this I’ll never know. We have it in our blood, we’re supposed to do it. Women are supposed to stay inside the house.
And he’ll cry. Damn. I can picture it now, him crying, burying his face against the palms of his hands, sniveling and sniffing and snorting, shoulders shaking, face getting redder, why’d she have to go and do that for? Why would she do this to me? What’d I do? The whole enchilada, I fucking hate that show. They’re all queers in my opinion. A guy who can’t keep his wife must be doing something wrong in the sack, not pushing the right buttons. And then they ask me what they did wrong? Not fucking your wife right is what they did wrong. It’s getting colder.
Fat droplets of rain hit the windshield and splash, just explode. There’s no light yet, everything is black and you can feel it. Sometimes the night becomes something else, some other person sitting next to you. Sometimes it curls around you, changes your mood, your attitude, your will. Sometimes the night turns you into a different guy. Maybe I wouldn’t have agreed to do this is if he’d asked me before sunset.
And he was shaking, the faggot. Couldn’t use the words, couldn’t say the actual words. Five thousand dollars. That’s what I keep telling myself, five thousand dollars.
I got my gloves on, a bowler hat, sunglasses. I’m using a phony license plate I got from a friend who works back in the junkyard. I have the camera with me too. He wanted the pictures, that’s what he said, he needed confirmation first. Get the pictures before you do it. Shit, if he was any sort of real man he would do it himself. And he wouldn’t need any kind of confirmation either. You can see what type of girl a woman is just by looking into their eyes. Sluts, grifters, angels, freaks, hard workers. Same with men. Look into their eyes and see what they’re made of. My father, now there was a fucking man. Grey eyes that never ended, seemed to go on forever, you could just tell he wasn’t afraid of anything. Of policemen or criminals or beating the shit out of you or anybody. The sort of eyes you don’t see anymore. The sort of eyes that asshole didn’t have.
And when he asked me if I would do it, he said: “And if… A job like that— hypothetically speaking, of course, a job like that, I mean… How much— If I said to you, for example, just for… Just to throw a number out there, just to say… anything really, just for conversation, if I told you… If I said three thousand dollars. Would that be enough—? I mean, if you did that sort of thing?”
I felt something indescribable. I felt something in my chest, like pumping hot water into my brain, like pressing burning iron against my skin. It took me five seconds to decide if I could really do something like this. Five, four seconds. Just that much. “Five thousands dollars,” I muttered. And he nodded like an asshole, like the faggot that he is.
“OK,” he said. “I mean— I mean, I could do that. Hypothetically speaking, of course. I could do that.”
Now I can look myself in the rear view mirror and see what kind of man I am. Grey eyes that seem to go on forever. Grey eyes that never end. That’s the sort of man I am, a face not made by God. But I’m afraid. I really am. I don’t know why, I don’t understand why, my hand is steady. It’s just something inside. Something that tells me that I should go home, not do this, that there’s no going back. It’s not the act itself, I think. It’s not whether I can do it or not, I know I can. It’s the waiting. It’s what comes after. It’s what sort of man this will make me. It’s what sort of man my father was.
Rain, still.
A light comes from one of the windows. Is that them? The building is old, weathered, it’s impossible to think that someone would come here to make love. It’s impossible to think that anybody would come here for anything other than what I have come here to do. The gun feels heavy. The holster seems to be pushing me downwards, down, down, down. First and only time I killed somebody was when I was still working as a cop. Kid came at me with a nigger knife, a broken bottle. I told him not to.
Gun went off on its own or maybe I pulled the trigger. Either way, next thing I see is the kid laying there on the ground, dead as fuck.
Turns out he was fourteen.
Newspapers call it a racial killing, trigger-happy policeman shoots black youth. Some racist comments I made get out there, a month later I get shit-canned. Get my PI license not long after. Now, I’m apparently a hitman.
Light goes out again. Minutes later the door opens. She comes out and her hand is wrapped around his, she’s smiling and laughing and he’s looking at her like she’s the most beautiful woman on earth. Camera against my face going click, click, click. There’s your fucking proof, you fucking queer. The revolver belonged to my father. The kind of handgun that could replace Gabriel’s fiery sword, .367 magnum double-action six-shooter. Big gun, blows your head right off.
Let’s go. The rain hits my head and I’m soaked right away. They don’t scream.
I’ll buy a refrigerator.

[First thing I've written in English for a long time. I was just bored and started writing, and for the first time in ages felt I was writing something that didn't sound like a bad translation of what I had in my head. I know it's not the best thing I've ever written, but it's nice. And it's always awesome to write a character who's a completely fucked up man. Racist, woman-hating, ultra macho hombre grande, murderous. Worth mentioning are the movie "Blood Simple" and Bogart.]
Last edited by Icaruss on Mon Jan 05, 2009 11:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 3925
Reviews 160
Bogart indeed. I don't see these kinds of characters often anymore, so it's fun to see one pop up now and then.

Imagery and the atmosphere were great, delivered the goods there. I had complete satisfaction reading it in that way. The way the character thought was great, because it actually made it just that easier to be in the car with him while he's doing this hit, gritting his teeth and muttering ominous things to himself.

If there is anything that is needing revision, I didn't notice it. Very good job, I must say. Would love to see another one like this sometime.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6517
Reviews 798
Hey Icaruss, just quickly, thought I'd leave a comment before I head to the airport. This was short, nicely written, but ultimately pointless. Felt that way anyhow. Like a character sketch, rather than a story, you know? You were lazy. You should have taken more time with it, on the character and the story...I hope you expand on this. I love murderers XD.

was when I was still working as a policeman


policeman came out of the blue (no pun intended) here and I don't think it matches the tone of the piece. 'cop' would do better.

Even as just a character sketch though, I felt like I've read this character before, I've seen him already; in movies and books. Not in itself a bad thing, but that's why you need to expand on it, to show us the differences.

Loved the ending. Awesome line:

I’ll buy a refrigerator.


for some reason felt this should read as: 'I think I'll a buy a refrigerator'

Solid writing.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 115
policeman came out of the blue (no pun intended) here and I don't think it matches the tone of the piece. 'cop' would do better.


You speak the truth.

Both of you, thanks. And yeah, I know it's not the most important piece ever, I just thought I had something that didn't suck and should post it to at least justify my existance in YWS.
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 5
I have to say, I loved it. Your character drew me in.

The only parts that threw me off were:
1) Talking about his father "that was a fucking man." The "fucking" threw me off a lot. I was very into the story, and I don't think that obscenity is necessary. If you were just to say "that was a man" or add another modifier somewhere around it, it would make it less confusing. I just got taken out of the story by it.
2) They've already mentioned the policeman part. I won't restate it.
3) Occasionally the stuttering was a bit too much. I understand exactly what you're going for, but at times it was a bit too broken and became somewhat difficult to look at on the page/screen.

Other than that, I thought it was quite good. I'm interested in reading more.

I just joined and this is my first review, so my apologies if it's not too helpful.

I wonder, though - have you read any Chuck Palahniuk? His work might give you more insight into a character like this. I recommend "Invisible Monsters," "Fight Club," "Survivor," and/or "Choke." Start with IM, though - it's his first work and probably the best way to learn his style.
"I wonder, what are people most afraid of? A new step, their own new word, that's what they're most afraid of." [Crime & Punishment]




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 115
Thanks and welcome to YWS.

(bump)
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6517
Reviews 402
Bumper. Hey Icaruss--

Rain.
It is cold but not as cold as it used to be.

It seems strange to start off with just one word in it's own paragraph, though the imagery it evokes is nice, I feel it's a weak beginning. It's followed by strong sentences, but that word just sitting on top of all this seems unneeded. I'd like to read "The rain is cold but not as cold as it used to be", but it doesn't matter too much. Preference.

Light goes out again. Minutes later the door opens. She comes out and her hand is wrapped around his, she’s smiling and laughing and he’s looking at her like she’s the most beautiful woman on earth. Camera against my face going click, click, click. There’s your fucking proof, you fucking queer.

I really like the whole way this is executed. His little commentary and everything.

I’ll buy a refrigerator.

Perfect ending. I feel maybe there should be a sentence a line above it. Not entirely necessary, though.

There's not much to say about this because it's very well-put together and just well-written. The main character is very refreshing - an antagonist who isn't trying too hard or ridiculous in anyway. Just a solid tough guy going along -- his commentary is very fun. I wish I had more to say, but this is all good and entertaining and macabre. Like Jigs said, solid writing.

You should post more. It's refreshing.

~ Clo
How am I not myself?



Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world.
— Nelson Mandela