Shattered

Shattered

Shattered like the pieces of broken glass
Accidentally smashed on the wooden floor.
Shattered like the pieces of my heart,
When you say you won’t see me anymore.

Was it something I did that hurt you,
Or just something stupid I’ve said?
I can’t seem to shake these feelings;
The scattered thoughts in my head.

Tell me if I’ve done something wrong
Can’t we both just try to pretend?
Tell me, when did you change your mind?
I thought we’d be together until the end.

So as you take off your golden ring,
And set it on the wooden table;
As you break the promise of forever,
I try to speak but find I’m unable.

You softly whisper, ‘I’m sorry’
And I fall crumbling to the ground.
You clean up the pile of shattered glass,
And then disappear without a sound.

Hello there!

I really really liked this I have nothing to complain about!

Your rhymes were precise and everything flowed beautifully. I like the title and the similes you use in the first stanza. The story is a sad one but this poem made me happy because you can tell you put a lot of thought into this but you didn't stress yourself, you know what I mean? Usually people will force the rhyme when I can tell this came naturally.

Favorite stanza:

You softly whisper, ‘I’m sorry’
And I fall crumbling to the ground.
You clean up the pile of shattered glass,
And then disappear without a sound.

I like the finality of it. It just ended this poem nicely and it was written beautifully.

Keep writing poetry,

~Angel

Hey Prospekt!

Angel up above me there pretty much covered it all, but I'm going to waffle on anyway.
Your poem was so beautiful, and I admit my eyes did go a little watery there!
It flows wonderfully, your rhyme sceme is great. I love the finality of the last line, it hits the reader in such a way that we can empathize with the narrator.
My favourite stanza would have to be the fourth, especially the line, "As you break the promise of forever." It's is wonderfully arranged, I really love it.
I have nothing to complain about here. Truely, this is a great piece of work.
Keep writing like this! Well done!

-Moo

Hi there, I really like this poem as well, the only thing I can say is that the line:

I try to speak but I find I’m unable.

I personally think that it would sound better if you left out the second "I." So the line would become:

I try to speak but find I’m unable.

I don't know, it just sounds better to me.

But overall, your poem was very smooth and clever, with a little bit of heartbreaking thrown in. Very nice work.

Overall, I liked this. I don't usually like rhyming poems, but you made it work. Just a nitpick: I noticed the same thing juniordame did. Making it "I try to speak but I'm unable" would make the syllables match with the table line, so it flows better.

Other than that, great job! I especially liked the image of setting the ring on the table. Keep writing!

Thank you all for taking time to review my poem; I really appreciate it!

Juniordame and niteowl, I agree, it does sound better without the second "I". Thank you for pointing that out!:)

-Prospekt

Hey there, I'm Kirsten
What I loved about this poem was the flow. It flowed really well, and the rhyme wasn't forced either. xD
The imagery was great in it too.
Pretty evident what the poem is about... breaking up a marriage. I love the line that says 'breaking the promise of forever' or something like that because it seems to symbolise the truth behind ending marriages. So many people focus on breaking up, being sad, and very trivial things, like the ring being removed, not having someone beside them in their bed at night etc etc. Whereas actually, it's very much about breaking a promise more than anything else. About ending a mutual agreement from deep inside. I love that.

This is a great poem
Well done


~Kirsten
xxx

Prospekt,

I agree with all comments, your poem flows very naturally, nicely done. I love how the glass and the narrator both fall to the floor because it lends a roundness to the poem. I also love how you start the poem with broken glass, because it seems like it is already too late for the narrator's love at the beginning, other than some kudos i have a few suggestions,

1) "Pieces"
2) Also, take out the "I" in the 2nd line
3) Stronger imagery, you have broken glass, wooden floor, wooden table, and gold ring these are good place-holders for stronger words.

Overall, this poem definitely deserves a star

Shattered

Shattered like the pieces of broken glass
Accidentally smashed on the wooden floor.
Shattered like the pieces of my heart,
When you say you won’t see me anymore.

Was it something I did that hurt you,
Or just something stupid I’ve said?
I can’t seem to shake these feelings;
The scattered thoughts in my head.

Tell me if I’ve done something wrong
Can’t we both just try to pretend?
Tell me, when did you change your mind?
I thought we’d be together until* the end.
*maybe use 'til so it runs smoother.

So as you take off your golden ring,
And set it on the wooden table;
As you break the promise of forever,
I try to speak but *find I’m unable.
*I think removing the word "find" would be a good idea to increase the flow. It's sort of like a bump.

You softly whisper, ‘I’m sorry’
And I fall crumbling to the ground.
You clean up the pile of shattered glass,
And then disappear without a sound.

The rhyming here is excellent. You found the words that fit, that rhymed, that meant the correct thing. There's meaning behind this and it sounds great. I actually wanted to continue reading ^^ Keep up the good work ^^ The only thing that wasn't really used much here was imagery. And if it was, on a decently low level. Overall, great ^^

The beginning paragraph is good. It helps me visualize something going awfully wrong.

The second paragraph is good, it shows desperation and confusion. It shows in reality what many people are like in bad situations. Always asking, 'why?'

The last paragraph is my favorite. it shows sadness and apology. it is deep and honest.

The whole thing has a generally good flow, it's a good piece of work. I think you captured a real life scenario like a break-up well. Keep it up.