Just A Lie

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1203
Reviews 228
Ok, this is my first piece of work in a while that I thought was pretty decent. My writing has been pretty bad lately, so please critique and tell me what you think. Thank you!
*

Two months ago,
you held my hand.
You said you loved me more
than all the sea and land.

You wanted me so badly,
but you were too afraid to ask.
Too afraid to tell the other one,
too afraid to take off your mask.

You still told me you love me
and lied to the other one.
She began to get suspicious,
and finally said, "We're done."

I was as happy as I could be.
You told me you felt the same.
What were you thinking?
All your lies now look so lame.

You told me you loved me
but you lied to the one before.
What would stop you from lying again,
were you just trying to hurt me more?

Now you tell me face to face,
then leave my life forever.
It was just a bunch of lies,
about how we could be together.

You said you did love me,
but now the feelings have gone away.
Your heart now belongs to another,
but my heart is yours to stay.

You made me feel so joyful
and now you make me cry.
The relationship never happened.
It was just a lie.
"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." ~ Lao-tzu

Attack, IM, or PM me at any time. I will respond. ;)




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 3206
Reviews 32
Helloooo, I'm Helen
here's my review 8)



Two months ago,
you held my hand.
You said you loved me more
than all the sea and land.


This is a nice opening stanza and drew me right in straight away!

You wanted me so badly,
but you were too afraid to ask.
Too afraid to tell the other one,
too afraid to take off your mask.

I love this repetition!

You still told me you love me
and lied to the other one.
She began to get suspicious,
and finally said, "We're done."

I was as happy as I could be.
You told me you felt the same.
What were you thinking?
All your lies now look so lame.

You told me you loved me
but you lied to the one before.
What would stop you from lying again,
were you just trying to hurt me more?

I love questions in poetry, although i know that some people don't because it leaves the reader wanting answers and wanting involvement blah de blah, but i particularly like them here!

Now you tell me face to face,
then leave my life forever.
It was just a bunch of lies,
about how we could be together.

You said you did love me,
but now the feelings have gone away.
Your heart now belongs to another,
but my heart is yours to stay.

It may just be my stupidity, but can you explain this line for me?

You made me feel so joyful
and now you make me cry.
The relationship never happened.
It was just a lie.[/quote]

good, reflective ending!


riiiiiiiight, so, overall, i really liked this... It can be a concept that's overdone, love, feelings, lies etc. but i think you made it your own and it was really interesting to read.
The only thing i'd pick up on is the flow of the poem. I don't think it flows that easily, so you might want to have a look at that :)

Good work

gold star!



Helen x
"When I listen to poetry and music, then I can live. You see, darling, the rest of the time it's just me. And that's not enough"- Educating Ritahttp://liveloveliterature.tumblr.com/



Y'know, sometimes a family is a mutant superhuman clown with cartoony powers, a hyperactive shapeshifter created in a lab, the ghost of an artificially created being who only exists for exposition, a cat who is an eldritch god for some reason, and an emo guy who doesn't canonically exist
— GengarIsBestBoy