A dead man's last wish

Oh god, I wannna go back to Earth.
For I wanna wipe away the tears,
From the eyes of little children.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.
For I wanna remove all fears,
From the minds of innocent people.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For I wanna swim in the refreshing rivers,
which now are polluted with the blood of young lives.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For I wanna roam my glorious city,
Which now burns in the flames of terror.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For I want to feed the hungry,
As they cry lying cold in the streets.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For the world needs me,
And your angels are nowhere to be seen.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For there is despair down there
And I wanna bring back happiness.

Oh god, I need to go back to Earth.
For everything I've ever fought for
Is in danger.

Okay, I liked this. It was very mournful almost an elegy. However, it lacks imagery. Give it some imagery and it'll be great, use some figurative language, similes, metaphors etc. Make us feel the emotion, see the sights. I'm also not sure what it's about, at first I thought it was about war or conflict... *muses* The end was good, it punched us, like it should, I congradulate you on that Overall this was a good poem, just add some imagery.

Oh god I wannna go back to Earth.

For I wanna wipe away the tears,

From the eyes of little children.

Okay, maybe, I could be completely wrong here but maybe the language is a bit strange here, you use wanna, which is rather informal to be talking of such powerful matters. I guess there's no issue though, just me banging on

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For I wanna remove all fears,

From the minds of innocent people.



Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For I wanna swim in the refreshing rivers,

which now are polluted with the blood of young lives.

Something isn't right in this stanza, and I'm not too sure what it is.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

I've just realised that you've not capitalized God.

For I wanna roam my glorious city,

Which now burns in the flames of terror.

See what I mean about the formal/informal scenario, wanna is much too formal to have in the same stanza as 'which now burns in the flames of terror' it doesn't sound right. The main character, although they are, does not sound genuine about this issue.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For I want to feed the hungry,

You need to fix this wanna business. You use want to here but wanna in the rest. I'd change wanna to want to in the rest of the poem but I think that might disrupt the flow.

As they cry lying cold in the streets.



Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For the world needs me,

And your angels are nowhere to be seen.

Powerful line.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For there is despair down there

And I wanna bring back happiness.



Oh god I need to go back to Earth.

For everything I've ever fought for

Is in danger.

I like the last line.

You need to fix the wanna business. Wanna doesn't fit there. It's too informal. You talk of how everyone is dying, and then you're just talking 'wanna' as if it doesn't matter. I'd change it but be careful about the flow. Watch that and your imagery, other than that you're good.

Well done

xoxo

I like the idea of a speaker that wasn't Earthly and yet also wasn't an angel. It left me wondering who it was, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's someone who already died, I'm supposing by the title? But who? Interestingly, "god" isn't capitalized, leading me to conclude that "Oh god" is used in the way most humans use it, as in, "Oh god, I forgot to turn in my Spanish homework", as opposed to beseeching God to let the speaker return to their old world.
So the perspective was cool. I think the mystery of who the speaker was made me pay more attention to the words and details--always a good thing for a poem. I felt myself questioning the absolutes here, though. Like, is anyone really "innocent"? Maybe more imagery and concrete detail would lend credibility. And could one man really turn everything around, bring happiness? And why is it his last wish? He's already dead, right, and looking down on all this? It occurs to me that if the speaker were Jesus, this piece might make more sense. Like if "my city" means Jerusalem...and then he really could bring about happiness. Only then I think "god" would probably be capitalized. Anyway, it's an interesting piece, keep working with it. Hope that helped a little!
-BFG

Hey, I love your poem. It's really cool, and I think its really imagnitive too. I'm not sure if your using the word God as 'oh my god' or if the person doesn't believe in God, or if you just forgot to capatalize it.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.
For I wanna swim in the refreshing rivers,
which now are polluted with the blood of young lives.

I don't want to ruin the repitition that you had with the begining of reach lines, so I would suggest that
you switch now and are.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.
For I wanna roam my glorious city,
Which now burns in the flames of terror.

I absolutly love this stanza. It's just really cool sounding. Along with this one...

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.
For the world needs me,
And your angels are nowhere to be seen.

It makes me wonder who the person is (and that's a really good thing in my opinion)

Oh god I need to go back to Earth.
For everything I've ever fought for
Is in danger.

This is a great ending. I love how at first it's I wanna (by the way, I would suggest you change that to want to instead), and at the end its I need to go back to Earth.
Great poem,
~MV

Very nice, I think this piece of work has potentiol. Just one thing is don't make everything blunt, but make your points in ways that make one who reads engage the pits of their brain.

Lost_in_dreamland wrote:Okay, I liked this. It was very mournful almost an elegy. However, it lacks imagery. Give it some imagery and it'll be great, use some figurative language, similes, metaphors etc. Make us feel the emotion, see the sights. I'm also not sure what it's about, at first I thought it was about war or conflict... *muses* The end was good, it punched us, like it should, I congradulate you on that Overall this was a good poem, just add some imagery.

Oh god I wannna go back to Earth.

For I wanna wipe away the tears,

From the eyes of little children.

Okay, maybe, I could be completely wrong here but maybe the language is a bit strange here, you use wanna, which is rather informal to be talking of such powerful matters. I guess there's no issue though, just me banging on

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For I wanna remove all fears,

From the minds of innocent people.



Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For I wanna swim in the refreshing rivers,

which now are polluted with the blood of young lives.

Something isn't right in this stanza, and I'm not too sure what it is.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

I've just realised that you've not capitalized God.

For I wanna roam my glorious city,

Which now burns in the flames of terror.

See what I mean about the formal/informal scenario, wanna is much too formal to have in the same stanza as 'which now burns in the flames of terror' it doesn't sound right. The main character, although they are, does not sound genuine about this issue.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For I want to feed the hungry,

You need to fix this wanna business. You use want to here but wanna in the rest. I'd change wanna to want to in the rest of the poem but I think that might disrupt the flow.

As they cry lying cold in the streets.



Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For the world needs me,

And your angels are nowhere to be seen.

Powerful line.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.

For there is despair down there

And I wanna bring back happiness.



Oh god I need to go back to Earth.

For everything I've ever fought for

Is in danger.

I like the last line.

You need to fix the wanna business. Wanna doesn't fit there. It's too informal. You talk of how everyone is dying, and then you're just talking 'wanna' as if it doesn't matter. I'd change it but be careful about the flow. Watch that and your imagery, other than that you're good.

Well done

xoxo

Wow, I love the message that is brought across, and I actually really can't find any faults apart from the ones previews reviewers have mentioned, and so this is one of those poems that it makes me think "I wish I wrote that poem".

I think the only slight minus point would be that after "Oh God..." I would put a comma but that is anyone's preference really and so it is your decision to do so, or not may be the case.
Keep writing and I look forward to any future work of yours,

~ Hayley

I don't really like this poem. remeber that that is also just one person's opinion. the repition in this poem is probably what threw me off along with the jagged rythm it had in my head.Also it is kind of redundant to keep saying o lord i want to go down to earth it is stated quiet clearly enough the first time. It might have been better to only have it in the poem twice the first line and then again as the first line of the last stanza. Other wise i saw nothing wrong with the poem but that kinda ruined it for me.

spike71294 wrote:Oh god, I wannna go back to Earth.
For I wanna wipe away the tears,
From the eyes of little children.

Oh god I wanna go back to Earth.
For I wanna remove all fears,
From the minds of innocent people.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For I wanna swim in the refreshing rivers,
which now are polluted with the blood of young lives.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For I wanna roam my glorious city,
Which now burns in the flames of terror.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For I want to feed the hungry,
As they cry lying cold in the streets.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For the world needs me,
And your angels are nowhere to be seen.

Oh god, I wanna go back to Earth.
For there is despair down there
And I wanna bring back happiness.

Oh god, I need to go back to Earth.
For everything I've ever fought for
Is in danger.

Hey Spike ^^ Shina here As promised, I decided to attack your portfolio and review! You said your writing is a lot like mine, so let's hope you live up to my expectations.

... Uh oh. Spike, what I think you meant when you said we have similar writing styles is that we write about similar things. But when it comes to the life and attraction of the poem, we are not the same at all. I'm beginning to understand why you said people didn't review your poems much. It's because your poetry is flat. You have these beautiful ideas and concepts, but you just throw out words. These words have no feeling, no meaning. They seem all the same compared next to each other. They TELL too much, but as a writer you SHOW. Show and not tell, Spike. Learn that or you can't be a good writer. Don't worry, they told me the same thing except they said I had good writing, I just needed to show more.

But back to your poem: It's flat. There's no life and the meaning is just text. Seriously, a text book may have more life than this poem! I expected a lot from you, and I'm disappointed. I think you have good ideas, but you just need to put your heart and soul into your writing. Be more confident and don't be afraid of what others think. This poem was too safe, too secure. It was like you were writing with somebody behind you staring at your paper. This poem is like a textbook, no feelings, no nothing. Words are nothing without feeling. Remember that and you'll improve ^^ I'm sure you'll be able to!

~Shina

Hi I'm new to YWS and I really enjoyed this piece! I love how you sum up everything that man lives for and that really keeps us motivated to be alive. It's really powerful and serious and unlike the usual poetry I'd read. Keep it up

Hi, Spike! You know what? I could imagine Jesus Christ telling this to his Father, God. :O
Yes, every bit of your poem, I could relate it to him, especially the last part because he truly fought for us-- to be free from our sins, to be forgiven- he sacrificed his own life. :') Love it!

Aww thanks guys I never expected to get reviews on this after so long.
This is one of my old poems.
I write different types of poems now that are more complex.
I regard this one as kind of premature now, although I am glad that you like it too.