Phased [1]

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:!: This is a new piece I'm working on, in -gasp- third person. Just like POD. Any advice is graciously accepted, and I enjoy the harshest critiques you can give. So roll up your sleeves, grab the cutlery and rip it to shreds. ;)

Another little sidenote: I'm no longer going to be posting Killing Butterflies, just because it is in it's second stage of editing, and I would rather be posting a piece that I'm still in the process of writing. So, here it is, with it's tentative title:

Phased

Chapter one:

“If you’re like me then you know how frustrating acne can be-”
“Hold it!” Amy Diego, a tall blonde woman in a tweed pencil skirt held up a perfectly manicured hand. Everybody in the room looked to her, she just had that kind of presence. Leadership. Her small voice held so much authority that you just wanted to listen and soak in the ideas like a sponge to water.
She walked over to Kimber, her heels making sure clicks on the platform of the set. When Amy motioned for Kimber to stand, she did, watching intently as Amy took her place with the product in her hand. She turned to look at the stationed camera’s, a smile on her face, and repeated the lines perfectly.
“If you’re like me then you know how frustrating acne can be, but luckily there’s a solution.” The words flowed out of her mouth smoothly, like melted chocolate. She was made for the camera, and Kimber watched intently, trying to catch what it was about her that made her so personable.
“You have to relate to the camera,” she said, standing up. “The people. Pretend they’re all old friends and you’re having a conversation with them, make it real. You’re too forced.”
She returned the small white and blue bottle and stepped off the set.
“Do it again.”

***
Her mom fussed, shrill, overbearing voice coming out of the phone in annoying bursts. Kimber rolled her eyes and hit the button on the keychain to unlock the car door.
“Yes, it all went well. Don’t worry.”
“Did they say anything about a callback?”
She tossed the bags on the passenger seat and rolled her eyes. It was just like her mom to ask about callbacks. All Kimber wanted to do was act, it was just one of those uncontrollable passions that came like breathing, but her mom wanted to control that passion. She had an entire plan on how it was supposed to happen; commercials, televisions, then on to the big one: movie deals.
“No, they didn’t.”
“Well, did you get a lot of compliments?”
“No.”
Kimber could practically see the frustration on her mom’s face. She was convinced that if Kimber didn’t get any compliments and nobody talked about call backs, then something had been done wrong, and of course her agent would hear about his ‘horrible choice in acting instructors’.
“Come home,” she said, voice stern. “We can talk about it later.”
“Sure.” Kimber hung up and turned the key in the car, letting the soft hum of the engine calm her the way it had since she was kid.
The entire drive home she tried being calm, taking her thoughts away from her mom and the overbearing, obsessive ruling of her daughter’s life. Kimber hated how she barged in and took control of the very thing she loved the most. It was past dinner by the time Kimber pulled into the driveway, looking up at the three story white building. Cold and sterile. Impersonal.
Like everything else in her life.
She closed her eyes, let her head fall back on the seat and took a deep breath before climbing out of the car, bags in hand and braced for whatever was coming.
Inside the house was just as plain as the outside. Minimal furniture that could be considered modern. The couch was a glass bench with white cushions over a blood red carpet with a shiny black coffee table. There was a flat screen television hanging on the wall with the protective plastic coating still over the screen. Kimber dropped her bags by the door and looked into the dark house.
“I’m home,” she called out.
“Kimber, is that you?”
She winced at the shrill voice and prepared herself for what would come when her mother walked in the door.
Her mom was the exact California housewife stereotype. She wore a tight, dusty rose cocktail dress, with platinum blonde hair, a fake tan, and French manicure, all to make her seem more authentic. Like she wasn’t born and raised in Texas.
She frowned, her eyes critiquing their way down her daughter’s body. “Did you wear that when you walked in?” she asked.
“Yes,” Kimber said, walking past her. “I went straight there from enrolling.”
New town, new school. New life.
“You could have changed first. Or dressed up or something. No wonder you aren’t getting a callback, they probably think you’re a slob.”
This coming from the woman who hired a housecleaner to put her laundry in the hamper and dishes in the sink. Kimber smirked and shook her head at the hypocrisy.
“Right, mom. They had clothes set out when I got there, it was totally cool.”
“Did you talk like that to them?” she followed me through the dining room and into the kitchen, heels clicking as she half ran behind me.
“Mom, chill out.”
“You did, didn’t you? Do you want to act, or do you just say that? We didn’t move here for nothing, Kimmy-”
She always got into these rants. Pulled the we moved our lives for you and this is how you repay us card. Like Kimber was supposed to repay them with movie deals and big checks. Truth was, acting hadn’t been the same for her since moving. It went from fun and carefree to forced and boring. In Texas everything had been easy. Big, dramatic. But in California, it was harder. Subtle, sexy.
“Can you really be this selfish? We have paid through the nose to ensure that you get these jobs, and your father doesn’t work overtime so you can throw it all away for some stupid reason.”
“I’m not throwing it away,” Kimber said through gritted teeth. She pulled the refrigerator door opened and searched the inside. Nothing but purified water, unidentifiable cheese and salami. Everything her mom considered to be high-class food.
“Have a diet bar,” her mom said.
Kimber sighed and shut the door, leaning against the cold steel and facing her. “Why do you always do that?” she asked.
“I don’t always do that. Only when you’ve gained weight.”
“Mom,” Kimber hissed. Having a mother who constantly reminded her of every gained pound was enough to lower an already dismal self-esteem. Kimber had never seen herself the way she saw Hollywood actresses. Never blonde enough, chesty enough, or sultry in the same way. She had always seen her self as shy, awkward and lacking a certain grace and finesse, the kind that would take her to the top. She put a hand to her stomach and shook her head, pushing away from the refrigerator.
“I’m only trying to help you, baby,” she said.
“Yeah, well it’s not working.” Kimber walked out of the kitchen, but the ever consistent clicking of her mother’s expensive shoes followed behind.
“Did something happen today?” she asked. “Something bad?”
Kimber sighed and took the stairs two at a time. “Other than you, no.”
She hated fighting with her mother, but as time went on, it seemed to be inevitable. Kimber remembered what life had been like before, when the two were able to joke and laugh about everything from television shows to menu’s, but time had changed them both. Made her mom an attention hungry California housewife, a stereotype in the worst way. And time had eaten at Kimber’s patience until she was constantly on edge.
“You don’t mean that.” Her mom stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at Kimber, an annoying, confident smile on her face. With a sigh Kimber turned around and went up the remaining steps and into her room, fighting not to slam the door on her way in.
It was only a matter of time before she stopped playing the little games. The only question was how long it would take to get there.
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Hi! Good job on this. I really liked it^^
The few things I noticed:

Her mom fussed, shrill, overbearing voice coming out of the phone in annoying bursts

You forgot an S here

All Kimber wanted to do was act, it was just one of those uncontrollable passions that came like breathing, but her mom wanted to control that passion.

This seems a bit off. Try splitting it up.

She closed her eyes, let her head fall back on the seat, and took a deep breath before climbing out of the car, bags in hand and braced for whatever was coming.

Same thing here, though putting a comma where I suggested would help

She wore a tight, dusty rose cocktail dress, with platinum blonde hair, a fake tan, and a French manicure, all to make her seem more authentic.

An A should be added

“Right, mom. They had clothes set out when I got there, it was totally cool.”

This part was a bit confusing. It didn't really seem to fit with what her mom said. Were there clothes for Kimber to wear at the studio or did they not care about she was wearing?

“Did you talk like that to them?” she followed me through the dining room and into the kitchen, heels clicking as she half ran behind me.

You feel out of third person here

Having a mother who constantly reminded her of every gained pound was enough to lower [s]an[/s] heralready dismal self-esteem.


Sorry this isn't a very good criticism but I really couldn't find anything that you really needed help on. The way you wrote this went excellent with the story and I think you did a great job :3 PM when you put the next part up!




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All right, dear. I think pandapez got most of the nit-picking stuff out of the way. I want to talk about that first paragraph there.

**cracks knuckles**

You spend the entire first paragraph talking about Amy. This was fine at the time, until I got further in to the chapter and thought to myself: "Uhm, was all that stuff about Amy relevent then?"

While I liked how you described Amy as an authority figure and a force to be wreckoned with - to be honest I wouldn't have changed that - what I really care about it Kimber. If she's going to be the main character, you really ought to establish that from the word go. The entire first paragraph tosses Kimber aside as just "another day on the job for Amy", which, in the end, was a waste of a paragraph because Amy is never mentioned again.

To me, as a reader, that is a very poor was to construct your main character.

What you need to do is go back over and feed me more about the character you want me to love. What's running through her mind? How is she feeling? How is she acting? Does she sweat in Amy's presence? Cower and shy away? Or does she stand tall and bold in front of her with a rivalling confidence?

I don't know that because I ignored the name "Kimber" until I saw it repeated in the second paragraph. I had to scroll back up to see if it was the same person or not.

That having been said!

Other than the few typos and sentence issues and, of course, the first paragraph, this was a good first chapter. You developed a strong, albeit tense, relationship between Kimber and her mother that I would love to see strengthen in up coming chapters. Don't deny me that!

A lovely first chapter, JC, and I look forward to seeing Chapter two **bookmarks**




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Pandapez: Thank you so much for the nitpicks. I really see what you mean. :)

Loose: Again, you have a very good point. I'll add more about Kimber, and it does make sense. However, Amy is going to be coming back in as a director, so I did need some of those facts in there to support and idea later.

Thank you both very much for the lovely critiques!

-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Hey JC!

I'm not going to go into line by line critiques, I'll just give you my overall impressions, so sorry if this is long but...

One of my favorite authors is Sarah Dessen, I like how her characters aren't perfect, and their lives are well-rounded and are full of conflict, like every normal teenage life is. Your story has that element, though the execution wasn't really good, though it wasn't bad.

Supposing that this is a YA novel, I've never read any in third person, but they were always in first person, so this is different for me. I enjoy being inside the character's heads, and I think this story would be better in first person, though that's my opinion.

I couldn't get a grasp of anything concrete. Your writing style is really good and fresh and easy-sailing but I want imagery, more at least. You have some but it's not enough to float my boat.

One tip that I want to give you is, don't repeat yourself. You don't want to stress your character out, otherwise the personality will be lost and the reader will not be interested anymore. If I were to pick this up at the bookstore, I'd read this first part and I'll say "hmmm this is okay..." and I would buy it, but others need more hook to sale them, you know what I mean?

Your characters are flawed, which is good. I like that the mother and the daughter seem real. But there was one thing I will point out,

The mother seems like she's fierce, at least that's the impression I got from her when I read your story.
“I’m only trying to help you, baby,” she said.
“Yeah, well it’s not working.” Kimber walked out of the kitchen, but the ever consistent clicking of her mother’s expensive shoes followed behind.
“Did something happen today?” she asked. “Something bad?”
Kimber sighed and took the stairs two at a time. “Other than you, no.”
She hated fighting with her mother, but as time went on, it seemed to be inevitable. Kimber remembered what life had been like before, when the two were able to joke and laugh about everything from television shows to menu’s, but time had changed them both. Made her mom an attention hungry California housewife, a stereotype in the worst way. And time had eaten at Kimber’s patience until she was constantly on edge.
“You don’t mean that.” Her mom stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking up at Kimber, an annoying, confident smile on her face. With a sigh Kimber turned around and went up the remaining steps and into her room, fighting not to slam the door on her way in.
It was only a matter of time before she stopped playing the little games. The only question was how long it would take to get there.


Here, this is the first time she actually shows some type of motherly affection, and it doesn't make sense in this scene, it's just sooo random and I don't know, maybe I'll have to continue reading (which I will) to find out what the mother is really all about.

All in all, this was a good start. Spit and shine, is all it needs.

Thanks for the read and keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Third person vs. First person.

YA doesn't mean first person. It means that it was meant for a specific age group. But I do see what you mean about it needed more of a personal side. Third person can get personal, and while the original version of this was first person, I chose third for a specific reason, which will show later.

How do you suggest I make this third person story more personal?
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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*JC~

Hello. These are some comments and thoughts while reading One...

*Just a little side note~
If this is in third person, then it's okay. I have no problem with this story in that format. You know, you always gotta have a balance between 1st & 3rd. So, I'm trying to get a hang of giving the best critiques I can give. If I sound too nice, then do forgive me. I'm only trying my best at those harsh ones. Anyway, here I go...!

*I thought...~
When reading I thought this was all based in Amy's POV. (but still in 3rd) Then I realized this was Kimber's story. So if you really want this for Kimber, then I would start out with Kimber did this or Kimber did that. Then add in the first sentence. Or even try a little scenery of the building (crops for the commercial) and then add something about Kimber's appearance.

*So Californian~
You know, there's something about her mom that I don't like. Maybe it's because she's so stereotypical for a house mom. Just like you said...the perfect body with perfect hair and nails. ~ Okay, maybe not the perfect body or something all long those lines.

*To act or not to act~
That is the question. I guess it's all Kimber's choice if she really wants to act. Oh, and JC, is this story just gonna be about the MC and her mom? Or add in little problems from the acting studio here and there? Oh, and does her family live in Beverley Hills? Or some what close to Hollywood? ~ You know, where the actors are.

*Overall~
I found this chapter quite interesting. When I have time, I will come back and R & R chapter two. Great job!

*Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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There were a few minor grammar errors, but not enough for me to consider picking them all out. Overall, I really liked this. It's written very well, but I can tell that you have not done a lot of your stories in third person, halfway through the story I subconsiously thought that this was first person, and then I remembered it wasn't. You should give it a more third person-ish feel: Instead of saying "She always did this, pulled the we-moved-all-the-way-here-for-you card..." you should add "Kimber grumbled, as she thought to herself," small things like that gives out the essence of third person POV.
House: People interest me. Conversations don't.
Foreman: Maybe because conversations go both ways.
House & Foreman: Like Thirteen.



He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
— Cicero