nvm 5

void.

Hello XxBrokenVainxX, nice to meet you

There was a lot to read. I think that's why this is the first review. Or maybe it just looks that way due to sheer abundance of dialogue, hee hee.

I picked myself up and off the cold wooden floor. Blood poured out from in between my lips and down my chin. My gum had split beneath my cheek. His fist met my face again sending me backwards against the staircase’s rail. I put my hands up to protect my face.

Ooh, probably not the best way to start. I mean, it wasn't so bad, but it just felt a bit er... actually, it sounded a bit like a list, with full-stops instead of commas. I did this. This happened. This happened. Then this. For an opening paragraph, do everything in your power to hook us. Initially it was good, was eventful, but it could have been written a lot better. When it isn't so good, you wonder, will it all be like this? First impressions and all.

Warm tears stung the cuts on my cheeks.

Meh. How about some powerful description, maybe explaining how she's feeling, why she's feeling that way, etc. Just warm tears feels a bit dull and kiddie-fiction.

“I’m sorry!”

Who's saying that, him or her?

The nightmares were never going to end were they?

I don't think the rhetorical question serves much purpose.

I looked down at my alarm clock. It was still only Five o’clock. I knew I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep so I went into the bathroom. It was probably for the best that I had woken up so early. I needed a shower.
I lowered my head as I enter my bathroom. I hated my reflection. I was worthless and deep down I knew that that would never change.
I slid out of my clothes and into a warm bath. The cuts and bruises that lined my forearms stung in protest.

I think to make your narrative a bit more interesting you should vary sentence structure. If you re-read the paragraphs I have just quoted, can you see they are all much the same? Stick in some complex ones to jumble it up a bit. The last thing you want is a story that reads like a shopping list.

Some people called me Gothic others argued that I was Emo,

This is getting a bit teenage angsty, but I suppose there's nothing criminal about that. Problem with structure though. How about: Some people called me a Goth, while others argued that I was Emo. Are they meant to be capitalised?

cutting into the younger me’s legs.

?? Okay, this flashback thing isn't working. I think you should separate it from main body of text. Maybe in italics. Really flashbacks don't work that well in first-person, or if they do it is typically subtle and not labelled 'a Flashback'.

“Grow up!”

I know it can be laborious, but sometimes you need to say 'she said' or 'she shouted'.

I sat awkwardly on a bench near my first period’s class.

A lot of your sentences begin with the pronoun 'I'. It gets repetitive. Maybe: Near the class where first period was being held, I sat awkwardly on a bench... etc.



You know, I'll stop this nit-picks now, because the faults are all the same. It comes down to the fact that the whole thing was devoid of intrigue. It was meant to be sorrowful but it made me irritated to read it. There was no variation in style or structure, but just one long rather thankless description of her wretched life. The dialogue was on the unrealistic side and full of exclamation marks. Am I right in thinking you wrote this all in one go and didn't edit it at all afterwards? Would love to say that it blew me away but it did not.

Only thing I can think of in the realms of advice is to read more fiction. Even the YA stuff has a bit more to it, and you will learn how to show rather than tell. It'll be hard and taxing and often you will feel like giving up altogether, but writing takes so much out of us, I hate it when people say they love all of it. It's struggle and though it can make you gloriously, insanely happy, it can just as easily depress you or drive you mad.
Oops, realise I sound like cheesy agony aunt.

See you around.

Lauren

Like the review above ^^ it does havea rather 'telling' quality, and there's quite a lot of it. Some of the low has issues, but I like it. It has potential to become a really good story!

Hello! Everything I say is simply my opinion, feel free to throw it all out.

I bathed in it’s warmth.

She just woke up, covered in sweat, yet she likes the warmth of the sun? I would just think that being hot, she would want to cool down, rather than be in the sun.

It was still only Five o’clock

For one, I don't think five should be capitalized. Secondly, where in the world is this set? The sun (where I'm from) is not up at five. A couple of days ago I was up at six, and there was barely a light blue over in the east.

A lot of your sentences are starting with I, try to change that. Also, the majority of the sentences (so far, I'm critiquing as I read) are short and somewhat choppy. Add some variation in there; after all, variation is the spice of life...

She looked older, stronger…like she could take care of herself

Try and stay away from the ... especially where a comma would work.

Why they out-casted me…

For example, the ... isn't needed here, a simple period would work.

Some people called me Gothic others argued that I was Emo; it didn’t make a difference to me[s] though[/s].

The flashback is nice, but the sentences are all short. Now, the short sentences do give it a different feel, but still, try and at least add some different lengths in there.

She screamed and started to cry.

I think that you could really do some nice description in here, rather than simply stating 'she cried' or 'she screamed'.

'My mother shouted...' should go after what she said.

The heavier my breathing got the deeper the pain in my? rib cage grew.

It was the middle of winter and I [s]should of[/s] grabbed a jacket

should have

The air was freezing outside. Our entire front lawn was covered in frost.

Like here, you can combine these two sentences.

freeze your little limbs [s]of[/s],

off

She right.

She was right?

I pulled a large black coat over my head.

Where did the coat come from? She just said that she didn't want to go up the stairs to get one, but all of the sudden one appears...

indicial

identical

They were all the same shape and size.

This is repetitive, since it's basically the definition of identical.
The paragraph here is a little bit of info-dumping.

“Well you don’t have to talk to me. Just be warmed I’m not leaving until I get an answer." I sighed and leaned back against the bench.

“Glad to [s]here[/s] it.”

hear

might of

The problem is, you are doing this phonetically. This means that you write how it /sounds/ not how it is. When we say might've (for one it's slang) it /sounds/ like 'might of' but it is a contraption of might and have. The proper way of writing it would be 'might have', but you can get by with might've, I suppose.

I'm starting to see a lot of ... Really try and steer away from that.

How could someone be here one day…Then leave the next?

How could someone be here one day, then leave the next?

nescience

nuisance
Okay, I would advice running this throw a spell check, like on Microsoft. It's quick and easy, and then people who edit/critique don't have to worry about misspellings like these. ((by the way, what you wrote is actually a word! Just found out on m-w.com. I don't think it was the word you were going for though))


-sigh- Wow, that was long Okay, the main problem I saw was that it just came across quite melodramatic. What you need to do is give her more than just the sorrow, make her an actual 3-D person.

I absolutely love it. My heart was speeding up as I read this, as the story was getting better and better already. Its tone changed a lot when the guy came along and I really am excited to read more of it!

xx

Thank you to everyone for your wonderful advice. I won't let it go to waste. As for using spell check, I did. I think I've been picking the wrong corrections though! I can't thank you guys enough, it means a lot to me.
I noticed that a few of you are agreeing that the sorrow is a bit over down. Sorry about that. Also I'll go through and get rid of those ... lol. Thanks guys. Off to edit.

I think the story was more in depth with Raven/Elizabeth being abused by her step-dad and having a drunken mother than her and Eric.

That's because it was an introduction to Raven's life. Trust me there will be more than enough time through out the novel to express Raven and Eric's situation.

I really liked this story. You had some really good lines in here.

Just a few spelling errors, and that's it!


But really, this blew me away. I could feel the pain coming from this poor girl.
Your details are amazing!
Good job!

smileforever,
Thank you very much. I've never been one for spelling. I'm glad you liked it, thank you for taking the time to read my work. ^^

This is a really awesome story i wanna read more you should keep writingit's such beautiful writing too. I'm jelouse!

This is a really awesome story i wanna read more you should keep writingit's such beautiful writing too. I'm jelouse! What inspired you to write this? it's really sad but Eric, that little spark of hope, makes the story so interesting... i wanna know what happens next! <3