Savior

*I had a really difficult time deciding where to put this piece. It has a mix of everything- romance, survival story, science-fiction, religious fiction, and adventure. This will all be revealed as the story progresses, but that is why I chose Other Fiction.

Hope everyone likes this and critiques are highly appreciated! *

Savior
Chapter 1

I peered through the dirty window out to the deserted camp grounds. Papers flew across the ground and everything looked a mess. No person was there, just me. Sometimes it felt a bit eerie being alone with no one to talk to, but I was beginning to get used to it. There was never more than a few people where ever I went.

I was living alone in a trailer, one my dad had bought for me with the rest of his money along with a pickup. Even though I was only fifteen, there were no police to tell me no. I lived as a nomad, always moving from one place to another and always by myself. I occasionally picked up a few stray cats to keep me company, but other than that I was completely alone in the world.

From my birth, everything had turned to chaos as the plague spread, wiping out 80% of the world’s population. My mother was one of the very first to catch it, but it was right before she had given birth to me. She was only one of thousands, maybe even millions, that had fallen victim to the disease.

I don’t really consider myself a victim, because I wasn’t dead... yet. I never really understood why God would let me live, but I thanked him graciously. Some would say I was suffering slowly and although I once could have agreed when I actually had a life this was all I’d ever known.

My home was small, probably smaller than your average-sized trailer, but I didn’t mind. I just loved the feeling that it was all mine. There was one bed that jutted out of the trailer and had a small window that looked out of the front of my home. Whenever I had my trailer hooked up to the pick-up it nestled up on the bed of the pick-up.

The kitchen was underneath my bed, and though it was old and barely able to work, it was something. The refrigerator was directly beneath my bed, small fitting comfortably into the wall. There was one gas stove-top that only lit occasionally, but I usually had to hold my trusty lighter up to the gas to get it to start. If I was really lucky the gas would be sufficient enough to last through cooking something, but most of the time I had to cook over a fire.

There was very small counter space, maybe one counter, but next to it was a sink. The sink was a real pain, because I didn’t always have running water. I would have to haul water up from a lake or river and dump it into the sink. The sink would drain the water into a tub, but there was never any running water. I had to dump the foul water out of the trailer, but there was no power for the water to be pumped and flow out of the faucet. The sink was nice to have, though. Even if it didn’t work.

Toilets were something hard to come by in my home, so I usually had to go outside. Since my trailer didn’t have one working electrical unit in it, I had to forgo a few small comforts in order to survive. A bathroom seemed to me a small price to pay.

You may think these living conditions were too much for a 15-year-old girl to handle, but I survived just fine. When I thought of how other survivors of the disease were living, I considered myself truly fortunate. Many were living out on the streets, cold and hungry, without an inkling of how to survive. I had only met a few of these folk, but those I knew looked near death. I was certainly thankful for what I had and besides, I knew nothing else.

I stepped out of my bed, a built-in cot on top of the kitchen. I jumped down, still in my ratty old t-shirt, and went to the fridge. I opened it and was pleased with what I saw. I had all your average staples- canned fruit, canned soup, bread, water, peanut butter (my favorite), and other food.

I got them from Shop Rites that had been left all to me, so when my fridge ran out of food I would go to the local store and pick up whatever I needed. If I was lucky, someone would have already broken into the store. But if not, it usually took me awhile to enter the store. Even though the bread was stale sitting on the shelf and the oil was rancid, there were still plenty of edible treasures, like candy. Candy I stored in the fridge, as well, but I had to remind myself to eat everything in moderation.

I grabbed a jar of peanut butter and hard bread from the fridge and put it out to thaw. Then I reached under my kitchen counter and grabbed my hairbrush. Yanking at my thick, red curls, I glanced at my watch. It was 7:00 a.m. and today was my day off. It seemed like I worked non-stop, but today I could sleep in late and rest. I only allowed myself days like this when I had enough water and food, so today was very special.

After I had fed my cats some dry food, I walked back over to my bed and lied down. I occasionally picked up a few books in the Shop Rites, he only source of entertainment left to me was my father’s journal. I knew it word for word, but still enjoyed it.

I opened the old book and let the dust coming off the pages fill my room.

Lol, I'm so tired of nitpicking today; someone else can tackle the few commas. But I will just point out a few things

still in my ratty old t-shirt,

T-shirt, the "T" is capitalised.


Where you use 15 and 80%, always spell out your numbers. If the number can be written in two words or less, always spell it out. "Fifteen, eighty percent".

Well, this was interesting; the mention of a world-wiping virus is what's keeping me hooked. I like post-apocalyptic stories. I wouldn't just spend the last five paragraphs talking about fixing food, though, lol. End on a suspenseful note, so the reader has something more to think about than just what a journal might say.

It's a great way to start it; I look forward to seeing what extent the virus has gone to


joseph.dean-

Thank you for the review!

I'll have to keep that in mind, because it's my first time writing something close to science-fiction. Suspense I'll keep in mind and food I'll keep away from all that.

I know I've been told I can be comma-happy, but I'm just terrible at picking them out.

The journal will be similar to a flash-back, so you'll see how the disease came to be. I'll post the next chapter ASAP!

As promised, Selene!

there were no police to tell me no

The word no becomes repetitive. Perhaps, "There were no police to tell me otherwise."
This could be a good opportunity to describe the anarchy of a world with no police/government.

From my birth, everything had turned to chaos as the plague spread, wiping out 80% of the world’s population. My mother was one of the very first to catch it, but it was right before she had given birth to me. She was only one of thousands, maybe even millions, that had fallen victim to the disease.

When I heard you writing a plague sci-fi, I got excited! Yes, in the spirit of The Stand! I thought. (That's a Stephen King novel where I plague whips out 99.4% of the population)
But... it seems the plague is only given one paragraph! Tell us about the plague! How did it's victims suffer? What was it?

I don’t really consider myself a victim,

Don't is in the present tense. Change it to didn't.

I actually had a life this was all I’d ever known.

Contradiction. This is all she's ever known, yet she one had a life?

My home was small, probably smaller than your average-sized trailer, but I didn’t mind. I just loved the feeling that it was all mine. There was one bed that jutted out of the trailer and had a small window that looked out of the front of my home. Whenever I had my trailer hooked up to the pick-up it nestled up on the bed of the pick-up.

I'm beginning to wonder if your character is even human. Where are her reactions to being the only person where she lives? Science has proven that human instinct makes us want to live with other humans. Yet this girl seems fine to live the I am Legend alone-forever lifestyle with no problem. Highly unrealistic.

I got them from Shop Rites that had been left all to me, so when my fridge ran out of food

Okay, so it sounds like there is no other human left in this girl's world. Without maintenance, the human world falls apart. Yet she has electricity? The food in the store hasn't gone bad?

All in All

This was pretty good. This chapter was a lot of telling. It got a bit boring.

To be more interesting, I would set the story when the plague was more active.

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Hey Selene!

So, I must admit, the whole post-apocalypse thing intrigued me. Is the main character dying? Why didn't she die, if she had been in her mom when her mom got it? If they didn't replace the police, why isn't there more fighting? Why's she go to work – she lives off of stealing, not the money she earns.

(Don't answer those – answer them within your story later on. I was just showing you I'm hooked. )

My main problem was the fact that the story was boring. Come on – here's this fifteen year old girl left all alone in a dying world! Start with a bang! Do we meet her running away from some thugs? Cutting her leg on glass as she breaks into the store? What?

You tell a lot rather than showing. If you show us her stealing her food, you don't need to tell us. If you show us her climbing up to go to bed, you don't need to tell us what it's like. If you show us the people on the street, you don't have to tell us.

I was immediately put off by the description of the trailer. Honestly, I could care less what her trailer looked like. Show us her bringing water in. Show us her cooking food over a fire. Don't tell us. Telling is boring.

Also, she doesn't sound like a girl. Try to make it a little more clear earlier on – until you told me, I was certain she was a boy.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

SeleneForeverDream wrote:Savior
Chapter 1

I peered through the dirty window out to the deserted camp grounds. Papers flew across the ground and everything looked a mess. No person was there, just me. I'd think it would sound better as "Nobody was there, only me." Sometimes it felt a bit eerie being alone with no one to talk to, but I was beginning to get used to it. There was never more than a few people where ever I went.

I was living alone in a trailer, one my dad had bought for me with the rest of his money, along with a pickup. Even though I was only fifteen, there were no police to tell me no. <- Maybe try, "I couldn't have it" instead of just "no." I lived as a nomad, always moving from one place to another and always by myself. I occasionally picked up a few stray cats to keep me company, but other than that I was completely alone in the world.

From my birth, everything had turned to chaos as the plague spread, wiping out [s]80%[/s] eighty percent. of the world’s population. My mother was one of the very first to catch it, but it was right before she had given birth to me. She had been [s]was only [/s]one of thousands, maybe even millions, that had fallen victim to the disease.

I don’t really consider myself a victim, because I wasn’t dead... yet. I never really understood why God would let me live, but I thanked him graciously. Some would say I was suffering slowly, and although I once could have agreed when I actually had a life, this was all I’d ever known.

My home was small, probably smaller than your average-sized trailer, but I didn’t mind. I just loved the feeling that it was all mine. There was one bed that jutted out of the trailer and had a small window that looked out of the front of my home.<- I'm not really feeling this sentence. It's weird to read and doesn't really give that great of a description. Read it out loud and see what you can change. Whenever I had my trailer hooked up to the pick-up, it nestled up on the bed of the pick-up.
Erg, you said pick-up twice in the same sentence. Very repetitive, a big writing no-no.

The kitchen was underneath my bed, and though it was old and barely able to work, it was something. The refrigerator was directly beneath my bed, small fitting comfortably into the wall. You might want to describe this situation a little more because it sounds like the kitchen is actually under the bed. Maybe tell that the bed is high up? There was one gas stove-top that only lit occasionally, but I usually had to hold my trusty lighter up to the gas to get it to start. If I was really lucky the gas would be sufficient enough to last through cooking something, but most of the time I had to cook over a fire.

There was very small counter space, maybe one counter, but next to it was a sink. The sink was a real pain, because I didn’t always have running water. I would have to haul water up from a lake or river and dump it into the sink. The sink would drain the water into a tub, but there was never any running water. I had to dump the foul water out of the trailer, but there was no power for the water to be pumped and flow out of the faucet. The sink was nice to have, though. Even if it didn’t work.
The description of the sink is really hard to decipher. Try reading it aloud and note on how it sounds to ears that barely know anything of this story.

Toilets were something hard to come by in my home, so I usually had to go outside. Since my trailer didn’t have one working electrical unit in it, I had to forgo a few small comforts in order to survive. A bathroom seemed to me a small price to pay.

You may think these living conditions were too much for a [s]15[/s]fifteen-year-old girl to handle, but I survived just fine. When I thought of how other survivors of the disease were living, I considered myself truly fortunate. Many were living out on the streets, cold and hungry, without an inkling of how to survive. I had only met a few of these folks, but those I knew looked near death. I was certainly thankful for what I had, and besides, I knew nothing else.

I stepped out of my bed, a built-in cot on top of the kitchen. I jumped down, still in my ratty old t-shirt, and went to the fridge. I opened it and was pleased with what I saw. I had all your average staples- canned fruit, canned soup, bread, water, peanut butter (my favorite), and other food. For the last part try "and a few other random food items littered throughout."

I got them from Shop Rites that had been left all to me, so when my fridge ran out of food I would go to the local store and pick up whatever I needed. If I was lucky, someone would have already broken into the store. But if not, it usually took me awhile to [s]enter the store.[/s] get in. Even though the bread was stale sitting on the shelf <-Maybe switch that around. and the oil was rancid, there were still plenty of edible treasures, like candy. Candy I stored in the fridge, as well, but I had to remind myself to eat everything in moderation.

I grabbed a jar of peanut butter and hard bread from the fridge and put it out to thaw. Then I reached under [s]my kitchen[/s] the counter and grabbed my hairbrush. Yanking at my thick, red curls, I glanced at my watch. It was 7:00 a.m. and today was my day off. It seemed like I worked non-stop, but today I could sleep in late and rest. I only allowed myself days like this when I had enough water and food, so today was very special. Way too many "todays." Mix it up a bit.

After I had fed my cats some dry food, I walked back over to my bed and lied down. I occasionally picked up a few books in the Shop Rites, the only source of entertainment left to me was my father’s journal. I knew it word for word, but still enjoyed it.
Wait, if the only source of entertainment is her father's journal then what about the books? They're not entertaining? If so, why'd you put that in there?

I opened the old book and let the dust coming off the pages fill my room.

I liked this piece, and I really like the idea you have of the, eighty percent human population wipeout thing. Some things I'd to it though were some artsy descriptions or a telling of how the population got wiped out. But if you're saving that for later then just add some things to take away the effect of just listing what's in her trailer and what things she did on her day off.
But I did like it so tell me when you ad anything more. :]
-jade.

hey Selene,

It started off well but then went downhill (It sounded a lot like my writing actually) it began to get very boring by the end of it as all the others said, put some action in there! The ending was a little better...
And also why are people living on the streets? Can't they just break into an abandoned house? Can't they just get out of whatever place they're in? Is something keeping them there? In the next chapter, spice it up a little. Otherwise, I liked it. I am waiting anxiously for the next chapter

Thank you all for reviewing! I wrote chapter 2 and it is now up to be reviewed.

Hello!
This was interesting actually. I agree with the others - some parts were a little boring so I simply skipped two paragraphs or so to get to the who, what, where, how, why, sort of stuff with the girl living alone.

Just a scientific note: Are you saying that the mother was pregnant with the girl while she had the disease? because then, I'm pretty sure that the girl would have contracted the disease too.

She's too sane. I mean, she says several times that she is the only one in her life. That's sad. Make her sad.

Many were living out on the streets, cold and hungry, without an inkling of how to survive.

Um, why don't they know who to survive? Why are they out on the streets? There should be many abandoned houses to settle down in...

Also, who was taking care of her during those 15 yrs that her mother (and father?) were dead? You can't just have a baby abandoned at birth grow up to be a regular 15yr old...

How is she entering the Shop Rites? Why hasn't anybody else entered the Shop Rites? Why is the food still edible?

Overall: Nice writing! Though right now, there are a lot of problems with it being "realistic". Or maybe there are just a lot of questions. I'm not sure...I'm kinda confused right now.
I'll put reading your next part in my mental checklist...

Thanks for the review! I have chapter 2 out now.

Faith is a... faithful person. Being unhappy in hard situations is not like her personality, but at times she can seem lifeless.

All your questions about her life up until 15 years will be answered in the next few chapters.

How she didn't catch the disease is a secret. You'll find out soon.

Ok so I did not expect that! That's a good sign, that you can surprise people! I like to be surprised, I enjoyed the story and I'm excited where it's headed...guess if there's a new chapter up I'll go read that!

Good work!
Roo

Thank you Roo.

Your reviews are always appreciated. I was originally going to post this as one of the later chapters, but I decided to do flashbacks instead. That way the real story can still be going on.

Hey. Usually I don't have a lot of great things to say early on in anything. I only gush about stuff I like after I've become engrossed in a story and attached to its characters, which usually doesn't happen in a first chapter. So, for now, I'll just focus on stuff I think needs improvement. Also, this is the first time I've ever written a "detailed" review, so if I get nitpicky, I apologize.

SeleneForeverDream wrote:I peered through the dirty window out to the deserted camp grounds. Papers flew across the ground and everything looked a mess. No person was there, just me. Sometimes it felt a bit eerie being alone with no one to talk to, but I was beginning to get used to it. There was never more than a few people where ever I went.

In between this and the next paragraph I would establish a bit more about the physical location the girl's in. I get that she's in or near at least a moderately sized town, based on what you say later, but throughout this whole chapter I just kept wondering where in the heck that trailer was.

I was living alone in a trailer, one my dad had bought for me with the rest of his money along with a pickup. Even though I was only fifteen, there were no police to tell me no. I lived as a nomad, always moving from one place to another and always by myself. I occasionally picked up a few stray cats to keep me company, but other than that I was completely alone in the world.

I wouldn't start two sentences in a row with 'I'.

My home was small, probably smaller than your average-sized trailer, but I didn’t mind. I just loved the feeling that it was all mine. There was one bed that jutted out of the trailer and had a small window that looked out of the front of my home. Whenever I had my trailer hooked up to the pick-up it nestled up on the bed of the pick-up.

Watch this one, using a noun like this twice in the same sentence kills the flow. Replace one of the pick-ups with 'truck' or something.

The kitchen was underneath my bed, and though it was old and barely able to work, it was something. The refrigerator was directly beneath my bed, small fitting comfortably into the wall. There was one gas stove-top that only lit occasionally, but I usually had to hold my trusty lighter up to the gas to get it to start. If I was really lucky the gas would be sufficient enough to last through cooking something, but most of the time I had to cook over a fire.

I feel like all this description is too much. It could all be shortened to " What barely passed for a kitchen was underneath my bed." The reader's mind will take care of the rest. The bit about the lighter seems like a Chekhov's gun (fancy term for foreshadowing, or more precisely, "Don't feature an object in your story if it isn't going to be important later") though, so I'd find some other way to work it in.

I stepped out of my bed, a built-in cot on top of the kitchen.

You already implied the kitchen was beneath the bed, so this is redundant.

I jumped down, still in my ratty old t-shirt, and went to the fridge. I opened it and was pleased with what I saw. I had all your average staples- canned fruit, canned soup, bread, water, peanut butter (my favorite), and other food.

Once again, watch out. You're starting too many sentences with 'I'.

After I had fed my cats some dry food, I walked back over to my bed and lied down.

If the bed is supposed to be above the kitchen, she'd have to do a bit more work than lie down. If you change it to "I climbed back into my bed", not only does it make more sense, you reinforce the fact that her cot is off the ground without becoming redundant.

I occasionally picked up a few books in the Shop Rites, he only source of entertainment left to me was my father’s journal.

This sentence doesn't make any sense. I don't know if it's a typo on your part, but if you read it over I'm sure you'll know how to fix it.

I opened the old book and let the dust coming off the pages fill my room.

This sentence sounds awkward, almost too plain. You can do something to make it more poetic, especially since its ending the chapter.

All in all, it's one of the better pieces I've read here so far. I've only been here for two days though, so don't get complacent. It's far from perfect, after all. Keep it up though. Work on getting the reader attached to the characters, and then they'll forgive a lot of flaws (not that that should excuse flawed writing, of course). Nice job.