Disenchanted

Edited version further below, you can review that or this, what ever you like



If oceans were not infinitely deep
and horizons just a figment of my eye
if art was not born of the soul
the human race just a minute in time.

If echoes are a reflection of sound
and tears extra moisture from my eye
if Jesus was just a carpenter
And the twinkling stars gas in the sky

If not all things are possible
if falling autumn leaves are dead
if love will never stir my heart
and there are only atoms in my head

What good is it to go on breathing?
When I know its just oxygen,
And my heart is pumping, ever beating
Waiting tirelessly for the end.

And yet I know the light is radiation,
As it warms my grateful skin
And my smile at the tiny babies faces
is just basic instinct setting in.

But as I watch the sun setting,
I cannot help but stare.
I know it’s just the earth rotating
But I really do not care.

Hmm...Great poem you have here. Not much to comment on, but let's see what I can do!

and horizons just a figment of my eye

Okay...Well, a figment of my eye? That is sort of weird. Usually it is a figment of my imagination, which makes more sense. A figment of my eye is just a little weird and sounds like you are talking about a piece of an eye. Try something else.

...of my eye
...minute in time

These don't really rhyme.

And yet I know the light is radiation,
As it warms my grateful skin
And my smile at the tiny babies faces
is just basic instinct setting in.

This is just kind of random. I'm not sure where this fits into the poem. You also used and too many times. You have two in one stanza. Try using another word that still makes the poem flow.

But as I watch the sun setting,
I cannot help but stare.
I know it’s just the earth rotating
But I really do not care.

Great stanza. The only thing that could be changed is the last line. 'But really I do not care' would fit better and it would flow easier.

Try to use periods after sentences on some. They just seem like run-ons to me and it's really confusing. Like this:

And yet I know the light is radiation,
As it warms my grateful skin.
And my smile at the tiny babies faces
is just basic instinct setting in.

But I did like this poem. Love the rhyming and the flow, mostly. Great imagery and metaphors. Yay!

Hope this review helped a little!

Becca

I'm here! I think I'll review this step-by-step:

I.) Format

I think your format is fine, but be sure to capitalize each beginning letter in a line. For example:

If oceans were not infinitely deep
And horizons just a figment of my eye
If art was not born of the soul
The human race just a minute in time.

Make sure you add commas and periods where needed.

II.) Rhythm

But as I watch the sun setting,
I cannot help but stare.
I know it’s just the earth rotating
But I really do not care.

This stanza is excellent and is the perfect way to end your piece. It has a nice flow to it and goes well with the rest of the poem.

Persist with your rhythm, because it is the backbone of any poem. Your structure is nicely done, but always pay attention to content.

III.) Style

Your first three stanzas begin either with and or if, so maybe you could mix that up a bit. It's better when words vary, because it's more interesting.

The style of your poem sometimes becomes confusing, because sometimes it rhymes and at other times it seems like a free verse poem. Maintain a good balance of questions and statements.

IV.) Errors

And my heart is pumping, ever-beating

As it warms my grateful skin

This line appears to need rephrasing, because the adjective sounds awkward with your noun. Even though it could be considered personification, you may want to execute that in a different fashion.

But I really do not care.

But was mentioned in the beginning of this stanza, so maybe changing the words around or changing but to yet would help the flow.

V.) Favorite Lines

if Jesus was just a carpenter
And the twinkling stars gas in the sky

And my smile at the tiny babies faces
is just basic instinct setting in.

if art was not born of the soul
the human race just a minute in time.

Your thinking is outside-the-box and distinct in these lines.

What good is it to go on breathing?
When I know its just oxygen,
And my heart is pumping, ever beating
Waiting tirelessly for the end.

What I love about this line is that it's so universal, something any reader can relate to.

VI.) Overall Impression

Your ideas in this poem were interesting to read and unique, so it really drew me in. The questions really makes the reader think about life, which is a good angle in any poem.

I liked your poem, Disenchanted, but if you edited a bit and looked it over for a second time it could be twice as good.

Ok this is the edited version thanks to some very helpful comments, please tell me if you have any further advice.

If oceans were not infinitely deep
And horizons just a figment of my eye.
If art was not born of the soul,
The human race just a minute in time.

If echoes are a reflection of sound
And tears excess moisture from my eye.
If Jesus was just a carpenter
And the twinkling stars gas in the sky.

If not all things are possible,
If falling autumn leaves are dead.
If love will never stir my heart
and there are only atoms in my head.

What good is it to go on breathing?
When I know its just oxygen,
And my heart is pumping, ever-beating
Waiting tirelessly for the end.

Yet I know the light is radiation,
As it warms my rosy skin.
And my smile at the tiny babies faces
Is just basic instinct setting in.

But as I watch the sun setting,
I cannot help but stare.
I know it’s just the earth rotating
But really I do not care.

If oceans were not infinitely deep
And horizons just a figment of my eye.
If art was not born of the soul,
The human race just a minute in time.

If echoes are a reflection of sound
And tears excess moisture from my eye.
If Jesus was just a carpenter
And the twinkling stars gas in the sky.

If not all things are possible,
If falling autumn leaves are dead.
If love will never stir my heart
and there are only atoms in my head.

What good is it to go on breathing?
When I know its just oxygen,
And my heart is pumping, ever-beating
Waiting tirelessly for the end.

Yet I know the light is radiation,
As it warms my rosy skin.
And my smile at the tiny babies faces
Is just basic instinct setting in.

But as I watch the sun setting,
I cannot help but stare.
I know it’s just the earth rotating
But really I do not care.

If oceans were not infinitely deep
And horizons just a figment of my eye.
If art was not born of the soul,
The human race just a minute in time.

If echoes are a reflection of sound
And tears excess moisture from my eye.
If Jesus was just a carpenter
And the twinkling stars gas in the sky.

If not all things are possible,
If falling autumn leaves are dead.
If love will never stir my heart
And there are only atoms in my head.

What good is it to go on breathing?
When I know its just oxygen,
And my heart is pumping, ever-beating
Waiting tirelessly for the end.

Yet I know the light is radiation,
As it warms my rosy (I personally liked more the original "thankful" adjective, but that's only my opinion.) skin.
And my smile at the tiny babies faces
Is just basic instinct setting in.

But as I watch the sun setting,
I cannot help but stare.
I know it’s just the earth rotating
But really I do not care.

You only punctuate few places but you should punctuate this better. Put a comma where it belongs, and feels natural.´

You asked me not to throw rocks at it... You didn't have to it's very good. Grammar is very good, word choices are good. Just punctuate it again and it's good to go.

Lord Anzius wrote:

If oceans were not infinitely deep
And horizons just a figment of my eye.
If art was not born of the soul,
The human race just a minute in time.

If echoes are a reflection of sound
And tears excess moisture from my eye.
If Jesus was just a carpenter
And the twinkling stars gas in the sky.

If not all things are possible,
If falling autumn leaves are dead.
If love will never stir my heart
and there are only atoms in my head.

What good is it to go on breathing?
When I know its just oxygen,
And my heart is pumping, ever-beating
Waiting tirelessly for the end.

Yet I know the light is radiation,
As it warms my rosy skin.
And my smile at the tiny babies faces
Is just basic instinct setting in.

But as I watch the sun setting,
I cannot help but stare.
I know it’s just the earth rotating
But really I do not care.

If oceans were not infinitely deep
And horizons just a figment of my eye.
If art was not born of the soul,
The human race just a minute in time.

If echoes are a reflection of sound
And tears excess moisture from my eye.
If Jesus was just a carpenter
And the twinkling stars gas in the sky.

If not all things are possible,
If falling autumn leaves are dead.
If love will never stir my heart
And there are only atoms in my head.

What good is it to go on breathing?
When I know its just oxygen,
And my heart is pumping, ever-beating
Waiting tirelessly for the end.

Yet I know the light is radiation,
As it warms my rosy (I personally liked more the original "thankful" adjective, but that's only my opinion.) skin.
And my smile at the tiny babies faces
Is just basic instinct setting in.

But as I watch the sun setting,
I cannot help but stare.
I know it’s just the earth rotating
But really I do not care.

You only punctuate few places but you should punctuate this better. Put a comma where it belongs, and feels natural.´

You asked me not to throw rocks at it... You didn't have to it's very good. Grammar is very good, word choices are good. Just punctuate it again and it's good to go.

Awsomely awsome

Wow. I loved it though it sort of depressed me. I loved it because it said all the truths that no one really wants to think about. It was just so different, while other poems make life's realities dreams you did the opposite. I think the end was the only way you could have ended it, though it was a little flat...
This had to be my favorite stanza:

If not all things are possible,
If falling autumn leaves are dead.
If love will never stir my heart
and there are only atoms in my head.

I think it really summed up the entire poem. Great work, it was perfect as perfect can be. Just a tad bit depressing. Keep writing!

This poem is dramatic in a depressing kind of way, but then a lot of poems are depressing while being dramatic. Good job on the edited version I definitely like it a lot more.

[quote]

Yet I know the light is radiation,
As it warms my rosy skin.
And my smile at the tiny babies faces
Is just basic instinct setting in.


This is most definitely my favorite stanza out of the poem.

awesome.

not really NEED to say much.

though yeah, figment of my eye? uhm.