Pavo

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A/N: A rushed, rough draft for an entry for the Imagine contest. This needs a lot of work, so please, come tear up. Thanks.

Edit: Thanks to Happy, Angel, and Jabs, for helping me revise this! Here is the second draft; still needs major polishing.

Major thanks to Snoink for all of her help.



Pavo

Pavo was the smallest boy in the village, barely taller than the back of a sheep. His dark hands and knees were covered in cuts and scrapes, and his shock of black hair was never combed. He hadn’t any family to care for him, so he wandered amongst the cattle from day to day.

He used to sit with the old men of the village, listening to their talks late at night. They sat in a close circle around the fire, rubbing their wrinkled hands together and speaking of the chosen ones.

We wanted to join them and ask them which one of us would be next to become a man of the village. There were about six of us who told Pavo to ask. We crowded eagerly behind the trunks of palm trees to watch and listen to their meeting.

It was useless; Pavo became a silent, immovable statue when he was amongst them. I don’t ever remember him speaking to anyone. In fact, I’m not even sure he could talk. His mouth was always fixed into a straight line, creating a blank expression on his dirt-streaked face.

Everyday, Pavo would sit on the hill and watch the skies. There was never anything to see; perhaps a cloud or a passing flock would cross his view and intrigue him for a moment before fading away in the distance. Sometimes, his eyes would widen and the blank expression would dissolve into one of awe. That was when we would make fun of him. We called him names like “Sky-boy” and “cloud.”

I don’t know if he really cared. He hung his head whenever we surrounded him, leaving no space for an escape. Pavo was an easy target, so picking on him made us all feel superior. We used to crowd around him as he prepared himself to eat and pry the food from his hands. Pavo would simply stretch his hand out and plead for us to return it. We used to jeer at his posture, running around him with one hand outstretched and our bottom lips stuck out in a pout. The taunts only stopped when we tired of it or ran out of things to say.

We used to watch him stagger up the hill, balancing a pail of water on his small head while trying to carry two in his hands. We could have helped him, but we didn’t. Instead we laughed as he shakily proceeded to deliver the buckets of water for the women who cooked.

We used to hold footraces amongst each other. Pavo wasn’t fast, but we would invite him to race anyway, promising him a large meal if he won.

We would run swiftly ahead of him and sit in the dust pretending to be bored as he panted up the hill. We pelted him with insults, but his face remained unreadable, save for the color that flushed his cheeks.

He was the best fisherman in the village, and he knew the exact time to cast the nets and when to draw them out. We claimed we knew the times too, but our nets never brought in much. Pavo’s nets always overfilled and the men had to come down and help him haul it back to the homes.

He would scramble up the coconut trees and harvest the fruit, gripping the stem between his teeth as he descended down the trunk. We would taunt him as he came back down, but we knew that none of us were brave enough to climb the trees.

None of us could wield a bow and arrow as well as his small hands could. Not even the old men had seen someone who could strike their target as precisely and effortlessly as little Pavo.


I hated him. We all hated him. He was a bother to have in the village. The old men loved him too much, and we thought it would lessen our chances of becoming men, so we plotted to get rid of him. We spied on him for any flaws he may have had that would make him seem bad to the elders. We found nothing more than him stealing a mango to eat.

One day, when he was watching the cattle for the men in the small patch of grasses that lay a few meters from our village, we approached him. He was lying on his back on the ground barely paying attention to the animals.

Pavo raised his dark eyes to us as we approached him. His eyes had an unusual hunger for something I couldn’t quite understand in them. The look in them changed suddenly and his eyes darted in distrust from one boy to the next. Whispers were exchanged amongst our group, and a few of us tried to smother our laughs. We told him that since he was the best fisherman, we wanted him to come down to the river with us and teach us how to fish.

It was a strange day when it happened. The skies were dark, but not with a storm. A queer feeling churned in my stomach as I led the way down to the river, walking almost as if Pavo weren’t amongst us. We reached the bank and I gestured towards the rowboat. He said nothing, but his eyes asked all he wanted to know and answered all that we needed to know. He was afraid.

The current picked up a few yards down from where we stood and continued for miles. Only the oldest fisherman in the village had learned the secret of the current. Little did we know that Pavo had learned the secret, too. Our plan was to push him into the current so that it carried him up the river and past the two trees arching over the water. Beyond the arch, the current merged with another stronger current that carried any unfortunate object to in either direction of a fork in the water.

He climbed into the boat, expertly balancing his weight so that the boat did not tip. He settled down on the bottom and picked up the oars. He motioned for me to come along, patting the empty spot before him. I told him we wanted to watch and learn. He shot a suspicious glance at us and without further hesitation began to row, causing the boat to enter the current sideways. We watched as he carefully maneuvered the boat around the gentle ripples that the current created. He was watching us as he rowed, making sure we paid close attention.

Suddenly, one of the boys gave a shout and ran forward, alarming us all. He ran through the water, his arms churning both liquid and air as he headed for the boat. Before any of us could think, he turned the nose of the boat into the current. He pushed it with such force, the boat began to spin uncontrollably and started to drift quickly downstream.

We laughed. We bent over, clutching our well-fed bellies as fear became evident on Pavo’s face. His large eyes widened in terror as he desperately tried to steer the boat back to the shore. A fish jumped out of the water, only to frighten him more and make him drop the oars.

That’s when it happened. Fast.

The wind picked up speed and hurled bits of sand at our faces as the sky darkened. Mangoes and Coconuts fell from their trees and hit the ground. We paid no attention, though, and only continued to point crooked fingers at him as we mocked his struggle.

For the first time since he had wandered the village, I heard him scream. The boat keeled over, and he disappeared beneath the water with a splash. He rose to the surface and gave another shout before disappearing into the darkness.

This time, he didn’t come back up.

Our laughter faded into a few uneasy noises, each of us looking at anything but each other. The wind began to howl around us, tearing at our clothes and smiting our faces with airy blows. We questioned each other with our eyes, not one of us willing to take the blame for the crime we had just committed. We were all guilty.

Everything stopped. The winds, the sand—even our breathing slowed. Our eyes searched the area for anyone who may have seen. There was no one around, yet it didn’t help to ease the new burden we all carried.

The darkness of the sky ceased, casting a strange sense of peace on us all. It wasn’t sweet as I had imagined it to be; it was bitter. I can only compare it to the peace I envision to come after a war.
The empty boat floated back towards the shore, closely followed by the pair of oars. We looked away from it and walked back to village; shame, guilt and sorrow weighing our hearts down.

Pavo was gone. Forever.
Last edited by Juniper on Fri Jan 02, 2009 10:39 am, edited 4 times in total.
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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Wow June! This is a good piece, though I have to say the narrator is mean! XD I didn't really pick up on anything major that needed changing, just a few nitpicks :D

He was the smallest boy in the village, barely taller than the back of a sheep. His dark hands and knees were full Try "covered in"? of cuts and scrapes, and his black shock of hair Personally, I think this would sound better as "his shock of black hair" was rarely combed. He hadn’t any family to care for him, so he wandered amongst the cattle from day to day. His name was Pavo.


An interesting start, though maybe try saying "Pavo was the smallest..." rather than "he"?

The sat in a close circle around the fire, rubbing their wrinkled hands together, speaking of the chosen ones.


A small typo here: "The" should be "they".

That was when would make fun of him.


Missed out the word "we" or "they" depending on who you're talking about but I assumed it was "we".

The taunts only stopped when we tired of it or ran out of things to say.


This isn't a nitpick, but I just wanted to pull a sad face - :(

None of us could wield a bow and arrow as well as he could.


Maybe try adding "either" on the end of this sentence?


Hope I've been of some help and good luck in the contest!

Happy-go-lucky :D




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springrain2693 wrote:A/N: A rushed, rough draft for an entry for the Imagine contest. This needs a lot of work, so please, come tear up. Thanks.



Pavo

He was the smallest boy in the village, barely taller than the back of a sheep. His dark hands and knees were *covered in cuts and scrapes, and his black shock of hair was rarely combed. He hadn’t any family to care for him, so he wandered amongst the cattle from day to day. His name was Pavo. * I changed the word for more imagery

He used to sit with the old men of the village, listening to their *conversations late at night. They sat in a close circle around the fire, rubbing their wrinkled hands together, speaking of the chosen ones. We wanted to join them, and ask them which one of us would be next to become a man of the village. There were about six of us who told Pavo to ask. We crowded eagerly behind the trunks of palm trees to watch and listen to their meeting. It was useless; Pavo became a silent, immovable statue when he was amongst them. I don’t ever remember him speaking to anyone. In fact, I’m not even sure he could talk. His mouth was always fixed into a straight line, creating a blank expression on his dirt-streaked face. The only time I ever saw his lips part was when he eagerly devoured a meal given to him. * word change (no baby words June xD)
Everyday, he would sit on the hill and watch the skies. There was never anything to see there; perhaps a cloud or a passing flock would cross his view and intrigue him for a moment, before fading away in the distance. Sometimes, his eyes would widen and the blank expression would dissolve into one of awe. That was when would make fun of him. We called him names like “Sky-boy” and “cloud”. I don’t know if he really cared. He just hung his head as we surrounded him, leaving no space for an escape. We knew he was an easy target, so he made us all feel superior. The taunts only stopped when we tired of it or ran out of things to say.

We used to watch him stagger up the hill, balancing a pail of water on his small head while trying to carry two in his hands. We could have helped him, but we didn’t. Instead we laughed as he *carefully proceeded to deliver the buckets of water for the women who cooked.* This word fits in more
We used to hold footraces, *knowing that Pavo would never win, we would invite him with the promise of dinner if he won.(this doesn't make sense@_@) We would race ahead of him and sit in the grass, pretending we were there for a while as he approached, panting up the hillside. We pelted him with insults, but his face never changed except for a bright shade of red fury that showed even on his dark cheeks.
He was the best fisherman in the village, and he knew the exact time to cast the nets and when *to draw them out. We claimed we knew the times too, but our nets never brought in as much as Pavo’s did. He would scramble up the coconut trees, and harvest the fruit, gripping the stem between his teeth as he descended down the trunk. We would taunt him as he came back down, but we knew that none of us were brave enough to climb the trees. None of us could wield a bow and arrow as well as he could. Not even the old men had seen someone who could strike their target as precisely and effortlessly as he could.
I hated him. We all hated him. He was a bother to have in the village. The old men loved him too much, and we thought it would lessen our chances of becoming Men for the village, so we plotted to get rid of him. We spied on him for any flaws he may have had that would make him seem bad to the elders. We found nothing more than him stealing a mango to eat.


One day, when he was herding cattle for the men in the small patch of plains that lay a few meters from our village, we approached him. He was lying on his back in the grass, watching the skies with large dark eyes. They reminded me of a lamb’s eyes and I briefly felt regret for him. If the other boys hadn’t prodded me on, I might not have done it. His eyes darted in distrust from one boy to the next. We told him that we wanted him to come down to the river with us since he was the best fisherman. We said we wanted him to teach us how to fish like he did. I will never forget how his eyes lit up at our dishonesty.

It was a strange day when it happened. The skies were dark, but not with a storm. A queer feeling churned in my stomach as I led the way down to the river, walking almost as if Pavo weren’t amongst us. We reached the bank and I gestured towards the rowboat. He said nothing, but his eyes asked all he wanted to know and answered all that we needed to know. He was afraid.
The current picked up a few yards down from where we stood and continued for miles. Only the oldest fisherman in the village had learned the secret of the current. Little did we know that Pavo, too had learned it. Our plan was to push him into the current so that it carried him up the river past the two trees that bent over the river like an arch. Beyond the tree, the current merged with another that carried any unfortunate object to in either direction of a fork in the water.


He climbed into the boat, expertly balancing his weight so that the boat did not tip. He settled down on the bottom and picked up the oars. He shot a suspicious glance at us, and began to row, causing the boat to enter the current sideways. We watched him in amazement as he avoided being pulled away by his careful paddling. We were so amazed that we momentarily forgot about our plan.
Suddenly, one of the boys gave a shout and ran forward, alarming us all. He ran through the water, his arms swinging uselessly through the air and striking the water in a useless attempt to move himself faster. Before any of us could think, he turned the nose of the boat into the current. He pushed it with such force; the boat spun uncontrollably and started to drift quickly downstream.
We laughed. We bent over, clutching our well-fed bellies as fear became evident on Pavo’s face. His large eyes widened in terror as he desperately tried to steer the boat back towards the shore. A fish jumped out of the water, only to frighten him more and make him drop the oars.


That’s when it happened. Everything happened so fast.


The wind picked up, and hurled bits of sand at our faces as the sky darkened. Mangoes and Coconuts fell from their trees and hit the ground. We paid no attention, though, and only continued to point crooked fingers at him as we mocked his struggle.

For the first time since he had wandered the village, I heard him scream. The boat keeled over, and he disappeared beneath the surface of the water with a splash. He rose to the surface and gave another shout before disappearing into the murkiness.
This time, he didn’t come back up.

Our laughter faded into a few uneasy noises; each of us looking at anything but each other. The wind began to howl around us, tearing at our clothes and smiting our faces with airy blows. We questioned each other with our eyes; not one of us willing to take the blame for the crime we had just committed. We were all guilty.

Everything stopped. The winds, the sand—even our breathing slowed to merely more than enough to keep us alive. Our eyes searched the area for anyone who may have seen. There was no one around; yet it didn’t help to ease the new burden we all carried.

The darkness of the sky ceased, casting a strange sense of peace on us all. It wasn’t anything that I would have expected like the sweet taste of peace. It was bitter; I can only compare it to the peace I envision to come after a war.

The empty boat floated back towards the shore, closely followed by the pair of oars. Regretfully, we looked away from it and walked back to village; shame, guilt and sorrow weighing our hearts down.
Pavo was gone. Forever.



This is a good story you have going here June ^^ I like the story line. I only had time to edit half of it because I have to play bingo with the elders xD But you have to remember to show and not tell. Reading your story is like listening to someone speak. Eventually the talking hurts your ears. You have to show the reader a movie, a vivid image. They only see what you show them! There is motivation in this story to read on, but sometimes the reader gets tired of you just telling them. BRING THEM INTO THE STORY! And yes, that did require bold caps. You have to challenge the readers, and show them this world.

<3]Shina
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Hey, June! Sorry for the wait (even though it wasn't much of a wait). I had some distractions to tend to. xD

Grammar and First Impressions

He was the smallest boy in the village, barely taller than the back of a sheep. His dark hands and knees were full of cuts and scrapes, and his black shock of hair was rarely combed. He hadn’t any family to care for him, so he wandered amongst the cattle from day to day. [s]His name was Pavo.[/s]


Mkay, that last sentence is oog-lay, so we're going to get rid of that and use his name in place of a pronoun somewhere.

He used to sit with the old men of the village, listening to their talks late at night. [s]The[/s] They sat in a close circle around the fire, rubbing their wrinkled hands together, [no comma] and speaking of the chosen ones [capitalized?].

[New Paragraph]

We wanted to join them, [no comma] and ask them which one of us would be next to become a man of the village. There were about six of us who told Pavo to ask. We crowded eagerly behind the trunks of palm trees to watch and listen to their meeting.

[New Paragraph]

It was useless; Pavo became a silent, immovable statue when he was amongst them. I don’t ever remember him speaking to anyone. In fact, I’m not even sure he could talk. His mouth was always fixed into a straight line, creating a blank expression on his dirt-streaked face. The only time I ever saw his lips part was when he eagerly devoured a meal given to him.


I'm not sure of this paragraph. It feels rambly and... long. xD *has a fear of long paragraphs* Let's see if I can break it up. *does so* How 'bout that? ^^

Everyday, [s]he[/s] Pavo would sit on the hill and watch the skies. There was never anything to see there; perhaps a cloud or a passing flock would cross his view and intrigue him for a moment, [no comma] before fading away in the distance. Sometimes, his eyes would widen and the blank expression would dissolve into one of awe. That was when we would make fun of him. We called him names like “Sky-boy” and “cloud. <-- Period”. [no period] I don’t know if he really cared. He just hung his head as we surrounded him, leaving no space for an escape. We knew he was an easy target, so he made us all feel superior. The taunts only stopped when we tired of it or ran out of things to say.


Poor Pavo. xD By this point, I'm frightened. This has a lot of telly and little showy. This is great characterization of Pavo, so lots of kudos for that! =D It's nicely worded and fun to read. I just hope it doesn't last the entire story. ^^

We would race ahead of him and sit in the grass, pretending we were there for a while as he approached, panting up the hillside. We pelted him with insults, but his face never changed except for a bright shade of red fury that showed even on his dark cheeks.


This may sound odd, but that repetition of for a is awkward. xD

He was the best fisherman in the village, and he knew the exact time to cast the nets and when draw them out. We claimed we knew the times too, but our nets never brought in as much as Pavo’s did. He would scramble up the coconut trees, [no comma] and harvest the fruit, gripping the stem between his teeth as he descended down the trunk. We would taunt him as he came back down, but we knew that none of us were brave enough to climb the trees. None of us could wield a bow and arrow as well as he could. Not even the old men had seen someone who could strike their target as precisely and effortlessly as [s]he could[/s] little ol' Pavo.


Yay! A strength! =D

...becoming Men for the village, so we plotted to get rid of him.


We didn't capitalize "men" earlier in the story. Do we want it capitalized, or were we going shift-key-happy? ^^

One day, when he was herding cattle for the men in the small patch of plains that lay a few meters from our village, we approached him. He was lying on his back in the grass, watching the skies with large dark eyes. They reminded me of a lamb’s eyes, <-- Comma and I briefly felt regret for him. If the other boys hadn’t prodded me on, I might not have done it. His eyes darted in distrust from one boy to the next. We had told him that we wanted him to come down to the river with us since he was the best fisherman. We had said we wanted him to teach us how to fish like he did. I will never forget how his eyes lit up [s]at our dishonesty[/s].


Underlined[/u]: So was he herding cattle or lying in the grass? xD

Italicized: Usually eyes light up with eagerness, but this sentence makes it sound like Pavo knows about the dishonesty; though, I don't think he's supposed to be aware of that?

Also: I just noticed this, but the narrator is actually speaking to the audience about the time in the past. Therefore, we should use the word "had/has" like I fixed in the above paragraph. Try to keep an eye out when you edit this. ^^

The current picked up a few yards down from where we stood and continued for miles. Only the oldest fisherman in the village had learned the secret of the current. Little did we know that Pavo, too[b], <-- Comma had learned it. Our plan was to push him into the current so that it carried him up the river and past the two trees [s]that bent over the river like an arch[/s] arching over the water. Beyond the tree, the current merged with another that carried any unfortunate object to in either direction of a fork in the water.


Underlined: This doesn't make sense to me at all. xD

You know what would be cool? Instead of telling the reader straight out what the plan is (for I actually predicted this a paragraph or two ago), we should give the reader little hints or speak as if the reader already knew the plan. ^_^

He climbed into the boat, expertly balancing his weight so that the boat did not tip. He settled down on the bottom and picked up the oars. He shot a suspicious glance at us, [no comma] and began to row, causing the boat to enter the current sideways. We watched him in amazement as he avoided being pulled away by his careful paddling. We were so amazed that we momentarily forgot about our plan.


I'm unsure as to why Pavo went ahead by himself? As far as he knows, he's helping them fish, but he can't fish without them. Even if he is suspicious, why would he go out into a dangerous current of water?

He pushed it with such force; [comma instead] the boat spun uncontrollably and started to drift quickly downstream.


That’s when it happened. [s]Everything happened so fast[/s] Fast.


Yay one-word sentences!

The wind picked up, [no comma] and hurled bits of sand at our faces as the sky darkened.


Our laughter faded into a few uneasy noises; [comma instead] each of us looking at anything but each other.


Overall Commentary

This was an awesome flash-fic (unless you're continuing it?). You did awesome creating sympathy for Pavo by the end. I wanted to murder the MC and his jerkasaurus friends. xD I think the only issue I've found is the beginning.

For a few paragraphs, you spend time explaining their relationship. You don't really just show minor events between them (like them teasing Pavo in one way or another) and you don't really show us how hard-working and sweet Pavo is. We can only take your word for it. You tell about those moments, but we don't actually witness them, and that's what we need if we're to really feel for them.

I do love the concept of the bad guy winning. This story really makes me happy despite the sad ending. ^_^ I wonder what they told the villagers when they noticed Pavo's disappearance. xD Anyway, if you have questions or comments, feel free to find me. ^_^

Keep writing!

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Wow. I loved this. The protagonist, the narrator's voice and position, everything just... *sigh* Absolutely marvelous.

Um, one thing: I'm not much of an expert on sheep, but from what I understand, they ain't all that tall. Pavo must be a real short little kid. And yet he is incredibly accomplished in certain things I would think require strength (hauling in full fishing nets takes a bit of muscle, I would think, and an "effortless" bow shot takes a bit of oomph too). Just how old is he? And is he really that short, or is that just an exaggeration on the narrator's part?

In any case, I echo everyone else in saying that Pavo is an amazingly sympathetic character and the narrator and his friends are real jerks. You really made me care for Pavo. And the narrator actually has this sort of grudging guilt about Pavo's death that is just amazing. Seriously, this whole story knocked my socks off.

Marvelous, marvelous. Excellent piece of work. I give you bit two thumbs up and wish you the best of luck in your contest. I'm sorry I didn't have more critique, but Jabs, Shina and Lucky all picked up the grammatical nitpicks overall, so I didn't have much more to say beyond oozing praise.

*oozes*

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Hey June.

We could have helped him, but we didn’t.


This bit here indicated to me that they do seem to have some remorse/empathy for Pavo. Why even bring up the fact that they would had helped him?

We used to hold footraces amongst each other. Pavo wasn’t fast, but we would invite him to race anyway, promising him a large meal if he won.


This bit here suggests the above too.

We would run swiftly ahead of him and sit in the dust pretending to be bored as he panted up the hill. We pelted him with insults, but his face remained unreadable, save for the color that flushed his cheeks.

He was the best fisherman in the village, and he knew the exact time to cast the nets and when to draw them out. We claimed we knew the times too, but our nets never brought in much. Pavo’s nets always overfilled and the men had to come down and help him haul it back to the homes.


Try to link these two paragraphs together (eg: transition) so that your ideas do not seem fragmented and loose. Right now, there is this hole right here that is preventing these ideas from unifying with the rest of the piece and be relevant.

I hated him. We all hated him. He was a bother to have in the village.


Oh? But he seems like quite a peaceful guy though. No way was Pavo a bother to the village.

Suddenly, one of the boys gave a shout and ran forward, alarming us all. He ran through the water, his arms churning both liquid and air as he headed for the boat.


He ran through the water? What part of the lake this this? Seems like quite a safe area of the lake to be honest. (is there barely any current in shallow water? I'm not sure).

Overall impressions:

This is quite an interesting piece. You did a good job manipulating aspects of your picture prompt (the setting, lake, boat and unhappy person in the lake) to tell a convincing story as to how that picture came to be. Pavo is quite interesting as a character because he seems as though he only wants only peace and the time to reflect on his life. This is evident with him spending time with the elders of the village and with cattle rather than be with the adventurous and spontaneous youths of the village. Yet, he is still bullied even though he did nothing wrong. The audience can relate to Pavo, as in childhood/teenage schools, passive, self conscious students are more likely to be a victim of bullying since it's less likely that they would pose much of a threat to the bullies. Pavo and the narrator and co fits this very well so kudos to you here.

I quite like how you showed and described specific snippets of the village to allow the reader to delve for meaning themselves. Your village made me draw parallels with that of the rural areas of Africa. This is clever, as it helps the reader understand as to why Pavo has no parental support (possibly died due to the poverty and harsh climate of the area).

I think I like this. I cannot confidently say that though because of some of the issues that I have with the piece.

1) The narrator isn't well distinguished in his friendship circle.

One of the reasons why I find the narrator's voice not that compelling is that there's no individual opinions/feelings of the narrator evident in the piece (doesn't seem like an individual). His voice is much more tailored to the majority and as a result, the feelings/opinions are more generalized (eg: We laughed, we hate him, he bothered us etc). The consequence of that is that firstly, it reduces the amount of insight to the audience. Secondly, it's rather trite. Do all of them react/behave in the same manner towards Pavo? Is there no individual opinions/thoughts of the whole thing? Are they all hunky dorey to bully Pavo? It would be nice to be able to get more into the narrator's mind so that we the audience get a more accurate picture of the conflict between Pavo and the gang. I just don't think the narrator would be all hunky dorey about it. There has to be some good and/or remorse within him for whatever reason. No one is ever completely good or bad, it's unrealistic. You can also show more of the other's individual thoughts and opinions, but I don't think that is totally necessary.

2) Fragmented paragraphs

As I was reading this, I noticed that in some places, the writing seems to be presented in a bullet-point like way. This makes your ideas seem fragmented and detached with the narrative, causing it to lack relevance and a logical flow in the piece. This is due to several reasons:

A) Some of your ideas/descriptions in the piece may be irrelevant/excessive

B) Needs transition

C) Need to consider wider reasons/purpose of that particular paragraph and how it helps tell the story on the whole

Go over the piece, read it and try to link it together better. You should be able to tell where there is fragmentation in the piece (it will seem as though there's a hole in the piece that needs filling/bridging).

3) Old men/fisherman's roles in the village

Try to give a little more detail in this department as I think it really deserves more since the elders in the village seem to play quite an influence in his life. I would actually like to know how though and what their roles achieve that. It will give some more insight on Pavo as well as maybe the narrator.

4) Why bully only Pavo?

The narrator and his friends seem rather hell-bent on bullying Pavo though. Why not others though? Why only him? I mean they could try playing some secret prank on the elders and/or fisherman (or anyone else) and can possibly get away scott-free and laughing too. The only way I see this to be feasible is if the adults/elders of the village are stern, strict and rather serious. In that case, you need to establish more signs that the narrator and his friends fear authority. Hence, it will be reasonable for them to keep picking on Pavo all the time since he doens't have authority and doesn't make an effort to let others know of his feelings/thoughts, and so it will be an easy way for them to experience what it likes to have power over someone.

I hope that you will consider my critique and take them on board. I wish you all the luck for Castleinthesky's contest. Win for me June! :D

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."



I exist as I am, that is enough
— Walt Whitman