Water Willies

This poem i wrote is the style that resembles, 'Jaberwocky', I thought might be fun!
Check it out here : www.jabberwocky.com/carroll/jabber/jabberwocky.html
I know, some words in here aren't real, I know.
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As blue mountain loomed near,
The islanders of Tim Tac Two grew fear.
The wave crashed with momentous might,
This was the islanders plightious plight.

Shuffling sand crabs,
And angel haired seaweed.
Those plightious plighters,
Made for dreadful all nighters.

Soaked to the core's core,
And to one core more.
Was the island's land,
Soaked from shore to shore!

The palm sickles bloomed,
and the bloomed even sickled.
still trudging in cold water,
they were really pickled.

To end this pool of chaos and chaos,
All the islanders yelled seance and seance.
And the fire lit and the water magic flew,
It was the end of the water that they once knew.

ok, i'm new on here, so i feel kinda weird critiquing someone else but i'm supposed to, so here goes:

the way you described the island in your poem, was vivid and really put a picture in the reader's mind.

ok first thing: on the second line of the first stanza, you wrote about islanders growing fear. that doesn't exactly make sense. people may grow fearful, but no one can grow fear.

and you were right about some of the words not being real, but i liked that about it. i especially liked the third stanza. the only thing wrong with it is that you had a rhythm going, and you upset that flow in the last line.

also, in the fourth stanza, you start a whole different-what's the word for it-structure? rhythm?
and then (i know, i know...don't start a sentence with "and" lol ) you pick up the same rhyming flow you used at the beginning...but the last stanza was my favorite.

over all, pretty good poem. it was unusual, and that's always the best kind to read.

This poem sort of reminds of something Dr. Seuss would write! Fantastic!

I love made up words. They are my favorite!

As blue mountain loomed near,

I think blue mountain is supposed to be capitalized. And I don't think a mountain can loom near.

Soaked to the core's core,
And to one core more.
Was the island's land,
Soaked from shore to shore!

This is probably my favorite stanza!

This is a really random poem, but random poem are my favorite! Love your every other stanza different rhyming scheme.

Becca

ps: as you can see, i'm not exactly the best at giving a review.
sorry about that. lol

writ3rindisguis3 wrote:I think blue mountain is supposed to be capitalized. And I don't think a mountain can loom near.

'course it can. That line made perfect sense to me, actually.

Anywhoo just had to say that

I like this a lot, not a whole lot to say against it.

Thankyou guys so much! You all made my day!
The blue mountain is actually a big tidal wave.


Thankyou guys!


---Jon---

Hey Jon! June here! I have finally gotten around to this. Gee, I am proud of myself . Let's begin! I'll hope I'm not too harsh.

I like the concept you have with copying Lewiss Carroll's style. (Pardon me if I spelled that wrong) It brings a fun, childish air to the poem and makes it great. Fabulous job.

When I read the first line, "As blue mountain loomed near," I immediately thought about the tsunami they had in the Philippines. Quite interesting that you said that it is a tidal wave. You did that well; writing one thing, but telling the readers something else within the very first lines of a poem. Very good. One nit pick though, "As blue mountain..." kind of sounds incomplete, if you feel what I'm saying, you know? Shouldn't it be "As the"? It doesn't have to be, free form works, but that grammar issue kind of stuck out. (Probably shouldn't be regarded as a grammar issue, lol)


I love your second stanza. It's beautiful-- the sand crabs and angel seaweed show us so much about the setting. It shows us that this is not just a desolate beach upon which some humans might chance to live, but it tells us that this place is home to even the tiniest of creatures. Well done, dear.

Your third stanza is perfect. It absolutely is because it seems like there should be nitpicks here, but if you look at Carroll's work, you will see that he repeated and broke laws of structured poetry all the time. You mimicked that well; fabulous job, sir.


Your fourth stanza makes me so happy. I don't know why, it's like exciting. I love the reversal in the first two lines. That is. . . just genius! This may be your best poem yet, Jon, this is truly just amazing. It's simply just great. Perhaps if you could change around the last line a bit and make it sound slightly less informative (if that makes any sense) then we'd have a more-than-brilliant-stanza.

Fifth, closing stanza = win.

I love it. Your way with words in this poem is remarkably like Carroll's. I've seen many people who have tried to copy his way but they haven't quite been able to do it. I quite like your usage of repetition; an amazing thing in itself because knowing me, you know I loathe repetition.



You wow'ed me here. Keep it up, Jon, but don't force it . Don't force yourself to make a piece as good or better than this. If you force it, it won't come; if you let it come to you, then it will be perfect.


I love this poem, dear, absolutely love it.

For the first time;

100/10.


June

I'm sure this poem would sound fantastic read outloud witch such great rhyming and stuff. I didn't quite understand it though, but that could be because I don't get most poems in general.