The Preacher's Daughter

A/N: This my first attempt at lyrics, for BBB's contest.

Tea party smiles and cold, polite hands.
Driftwood hollowness and castle sands.
A kiss on the cheek, pure and virgin.
Shrugshouldered pilgrims, blue and puritan.

Trapped in a robe, coarse as foxglove
with nothing on it but what's left of love.
Titan, with hands so big that they can bunch up the dark
like posies, and strangle the lark, the lark.

CHORUS:
I hear he's preaching down by the river
In the house of the lord, the house of beggars
A deadbeat pianoman with a spinal shiver
Can't escape these sons and daughters.
These sons and daughters.
These sons and daughters!

Your cold moonshaped body
feels of sin and tears, shoddy
little one room apartments where babies are born
with shame as their skin, and tired eyes worn.

This ain't nothing but a revolution
against you and your tithing box of contributions
'cause, hon, your insides are as cold as a church
and nothing but a prayer can end this search.

CHORUS

Pawn it away, a run for their money.
With words and whispers thick as honey
that marks us red, I wake with the thump of your heart
on my chest and the graze of your teeth, broken and sharp.

Hail Mary, a saint in a bell jar
where bodies are made of bones and tar
can't feel the pulse under all this cement
lonely and wide as a cowboy's lament.

CHORUS

I showed my love the water's edge
and we slept all night in the cradle of smile
All this time we've walked your ledge
so can't you let me in, won't you give me a trial?

Won't you give me a trial?

(whispered) Won't you let me in?

I really really like it because the lines sound incredebly beautiful and poetic, not exactly Death Cab themed but poetic like them none the less. I think my favorite verse was

This ain't nothing but a revolution
against you and your tithing box of contributions
'cause, hon, your insides are as cold as a church
and nothing but a prayer can end this search.

I like the cold as a church part. ^^ Oh! And I also love the pulse under cement verse, very beautiful.

My only problem is that I don't entirely know what it's about! which makes me sad, because that's important. I think it's about how churches are kind of stingy and get money from people easily through a false production of faith? Er. But then, I'm not entirely sure because you write, "let me in" and I'm like, who are we letting in, and to where?? So....But even though I'm confused, I like it. Besides, songs don't always have to make sense? I think I'd like it more if it did, but confusion doesn't kill it!

Though, I have to ask, just how wide and lonely is a cowboy's lament?

(I fail at reviewing lyrics, fyi. )

Best of luck in the contest!

Hey, Kylan! ^_^

First reaction: This is so Mr. Amazing. xD

Second reaction: This is really awesome.

So. I thought this song was pretty incredible. It's not a typical song of today, which I very much appreciate. xD It has a deeper meaning with awesome metaphors and description. As music is, this is a poem written to music. I love it. Kylan poem + Baer music = win.

I especially liked the last line. That gave me goosebumps, and it's even better with it whispered. *shiver* Ooh, that was awesome. ^^

I was unsure, however (and this is probably just silly ol' me), as to what it was about. If I followed correctly, we started off talking about the Preacher, and then we moved on to a/the daughter. So, is the speaker/singer thinking about the daughter, but the Preacher is in the way? Or maybe I'm way off. I'm unsure. That's the only thing I'm lost at, but then again, I'm not much of a lyricist. xD I may not know what I'm talking about and am over-thinking it. Highly possible. ^^

I really liked the style though. It's so you and so amazing. I just love it. It made me happy. ^^

Good luck! =D

Jabber, the One and Only!

Tea party smiles and cold, polite hands.
Driftwood hollowness and castle sands.
A kiss on the cheek, pure and virgin.
Shrugshouldered pilgrims, blue and puritan.

I really like this first (stanza ?) or is it a verse for lyrics? Ok, verse it is!

Trapped in a robe, coarse as foxglove
with nothing on it but what's left of love.
Titan, with hands so big that they can bunch up the dark
like posies, and strangle the lark, the lark.

I really like this verse too, much more poetic than the usual ones.

CHORUS:
I hear he's preaching down by the river
In the house of the lord, the house of beggars
A deadbeat pianoman with a spinal shiver

meloves the imagery

Can't escape these sons and daughters.
These sons and daughters.
These sons and daughters!

Your cold moonshaped body
feels of sin and tears, shoddy
little one room apartments where babies are born
with shame as their skin, and tired eyes worn.

This ain't nothing but a revolution
against you and your tithing box of contributions
'cause, hon, your insides are as cold as a church
and nothing but a prayer can end this search.

CHORUS

Pawn it away, a run for their money.
With words and whispers thick as honey

I love that line ^ ^

that marks us red, I wake with the thump of your heart
on my chest and the graze of your teeth, broken and sharp.

Hail Mary, a saint in a bell jar
where bodies are made of bones and tar
can't feel the pulse under all this cement
lonely and wide as a cowboy's lament.

CHORUS

I showed my love the water's edge
and we slept all night in the cradle of smile

I love that line too

All this time we've walked your ledge
so can't you let me in, won't you give me a trial?

Won't you give me a trial?

(whispered) Won't you let me in?

Nice ending xD

I really liked this. It was poetic and interesting, unlike lyrics. I can't really give a critique on this other than just singing your praises. Not exactly constructive, eh? But I did enjoy it. Why did I enjoy it?


The imagery was great. I could picture the scene perfectly.

It had meaning. It didn't lack in depth and was inriguing.

One thing: I'm no expert so this is probably completely pointless and wrong, but would people really pronounce the lyrics so clearly, maybe some of the words are a tad too formal. Actually, forget it, I know nothing I'm probably wrong, but yeah...

Anyway, I really liked these, well done xD

Hey there Kylan! June here, and I'm going to review this for you.

This was great. I'm not just saying that to boost your ego xD or because your poems are so captivating. This was amazing.

This is perfect. Absolutely. I mean, there is totally nothing to pick at here and tear apart. It's amazing.


You have a perfect rhyme scheme going here, Kylan. Most of the time this type of lyric would fail and come off as forced, but here, it doesn't. If you called this a poem, the rhyme would still come off smooth and effortless, because this all makes sense. It flows perfectly when read aloud; I can totally see this set to music.

Most of the time in lyrics and poetry, there almost always seems to be a part of the piece that is liked or flows better than the rest of the poem.

Here, it was perfect balance. The beginning was perfect; some songs often throw us something we aren't quite ready for at the very beginning of the song-- but here, you did it perfectly.

The imagery you use here is absolutely brilliant. If I were judging the contest, this would have won already, before the deadline .


(Perfect is totally overused in this review)

There is absolutely nothing I would change in this, sir, it's perfectly done. There are a lot of pieces I like on this site, but this is one that I really, really like. Or love. You did an amazing job here, dear. Keep it up.

I have no idea how on earth you became as brilliant as you are with words, but, keep it up.


100/10

June


All I can say is "Amazing"

Hey Ky!

Gee, you haven't wrote lyrics before and you're good at it

I really really liked this. The story is great and unique because no one truly knows what it's about except you. If I were to give a guess, I'd say that this story starts off describing how the preacher's daughter is so clean and pure until she's drawn into sin....and that's all I got.

But the good thing about lyrics is that it can be as creative and different and nonsensical as it wants to be and still be a work of art. Like Fall Out Boy's new CD. A lot of their songs really make my head spin but I love them for it and I love this song.

These are my two favorite stanzas:

Tea party smiles and cold, polite hands.
Driftwood hollowness and castle sands.
A kiss on the cheek, pure and virgin.
Shrugshouldered pilgrims, blue and puritan.

AND

This ain't nothing but a revolution
against you and your tithing box of contributions
'cause, hon, your insides are as cold as a church
and nothing but a prayer can end this search.

cold as a church was just brilliant.


Welp, I just don't know how you never cease to amaze me. Perhaps that's why Jabbs calls you Mr. Amazing.

Keep writing,

~Angel

Hey Kylan!

Wow! This is really good! I espcially loved the opening line,

'Tea party smiles and cold, polite hands.'

It reminded me how fake people can be sometimes! This is a really captivating song, and i would be surprised if you didnt do well in this competition.

It holds a really enchanting, sinister rhthym!
A very poetic song! Kudos, sorry for the non-constructive criticism!

Sof