love and fufillment

We had just got home from the party and Logan was spending a couple of days here. I immediately go to my room and get changed. I had just pulled on a shirt when i hear a knock on the door, Logan says he has something he wants to tell me so i motion for him to come in. He does and we sit down on my bed, we sit there for a while I'm sure 5 to 10 minutes have passed since he came in and I'm starting to think he's forgotten what he wanted to say.

I was about to say something when he mumbled something to his shoes, I asked what he said so he looked at me and said louder "I really like you", he jumped up and kissed me and with that he took off out of the room.

I sat there stunned then I laid back hand on my lips thinking he loves me! he really loves me! and fell into a deep sleep. I woke up at ten the next day with a million thoughts swirling in my mind.Weird, I thought. I don't remember going to sleep. I tried to remember what happened the night before then it came to me.

The party, the way Logan kissed me and ran out, and how i lie there for a long time in shock and pleasure. Then i poked my head out of the door to see if he was in Chris's room. Not there. I looked everywhere inside of the house and in the backyard, not there either "Where is he?" I asked myself under my breath. I looked in the front as he pulled up in his car

. He was gone duh. Should have looked there first. Wait! Ive found him now what? Why don't i ever think things through? So I ran back into my room and locked the door quickly. I sat on the bed thinking rapidly for what to do then the door opened.

Damn! I must not have closed it tight. It was Logan. Now i was just confused but i didn't let it show on my face and asked "Yes?" He gulped and asked "Are we still okay or are you afraid to talk to me now?" I was completely confused at that point and didn't bother to hide it anymore. Then I sighed and said "Wow, boys really are clueless."

Then I walked to him looking him in the eyes and said "Of course were okay silly. I love you." and gave him a peck on the lips. He looked like his world had turned upside down then he kissed me back and said "Thank god, I couldn't have lived if I had lost you" I blushed and said "As long as you want me you have me." Then without warning.....

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yukisgirl wrote:We had just got home from the party and Logan was spending a couple of days here. I immediately go to my room and get changed. I had just pulled on a shirt when i hear a knock on the door, Logan says he has something he wants to tell me so i motion for him to come in.*1* *2* He does and we sit down on my bed, we sit there for a while I'm sure 5 to 10 minutes have passed since he came in and I'm starting to think he's forgotten what he wanted to say. *3*

I was about to say something when he mumbled something to his shoes, I asked what he said so he looked at me and said louder "I really like you", he jumped up and kissed me and with that he took off out of the room. *4*

I sat there stunned then I laid back hand on my lips thinking he loves me! he really loves me! and fell into a deep sleep.*5* I woke up at ten the next day with a million thoughts swirling in my mind. Weird, I thought. I don't remember going to sleep. I tried to remember what happened the night before then it came to me. *6*

The party, the way Logan kissed me and ran out, and how i lie there for a long time in shock and pleasure. *7*Then i poked my head out of the door to see if he was in Chris's room. Not there. I looked everywhere inside of the house and in the backyard, not there either "Where is he?" I asked myself under my breath.*8* I looked in the front as he pulled up in his car*9*

. He was gone duh. *10*Should have looked there first. Wait! Ive found him now what?*11* Why don't i ever think things through?*12* So I ran back into my room and locked the door quickly. I sat on the bed thinking rapidly for what to do then the door opened. *13*

Damn! I must not have closed it tight. It was Logan. Now i was just confused but i didn't let it show on my face and asked "Yes?"*14* He gulped and asked "Are we still okay or are you afraid to talk to me now?" I was completely confused at that point and didn't bother to hide it anymore. Then I sighed and said "Wow, boys really are clueless." *15*

Then I walked to him looking him in the eyes and said "Of course were okay silly. I love you." and gave him a peck on the lips. *16* He looked like his world had turned upside down then he kissed me back and said "Thank god, I couldn't have lived if I had lost you"*17* I blushed and said "As long as you want me you have me." Then without warning.....

1. Break up the sentence.
2. How does he see her gesture? The door is closed! And capitalise your "i".
3. This is the last line in present tense. The rest is all past tense. It's confusing.
4. More description, hun. It's getting boring with things just happening. You might as well write minutes for a meeting. And see 1.
5. Italicise your thoughts. And the line sounds a little cheesy.
6. See 1.
7. "...how I lay there". And rejoin this paragraph.
8. Break the sentence into three short ones.
9. Where is she at this point? "I looked up in the front"? And fullstop here.
10. Comma or new sentence needed.
11. Apostrophe and comma needed.
12. Convert all these into italics. Gotta separate the actions from the thoughts. And capitalise your "i".
13. Get rid of the "So" in the first sentence. In the second, change "for" into "about" and "then" to "when". And comma needed.
14. Capitalise your "i". And see 1.
15. After all your "asked"s and "said"s, put commas.
16. See 1 and 15. And when you want to continue a sentence with a dialogue inside, end the dialogue with a comma instead of fullstop.
17. See 1. Fullstop also needed.

Your tenses and punctuation need help. Your descriptions are also very much lacking. However, with some work, you could improve it a lot. Don't worry too much the plot, you've got it standing upright. The plot isn't all it takes to interest people though.

Hope I helped!

Cheers,
Lily.

yukisgirl wrote:We had just got home from the party and Logan was spending a couple of days here. I immediately got to my room and get changed. I had just pulled on a shirt when i Capitalize your I's. hear a knock on the door, Logan says he has something he wants to tell me so i motion for him to come in. He does and we sit down on my bed, we sit there for a while I'm sure [s]5[/s] five to [s]10[/s] ten minutes have passed since he came in.<-Period, no one likes a run on.[s] and[/s] I'm starting to think he's forgotten what he wanted to say.
Wow this is really confusing. Your tense is all over the place. Are we in past or present? Pick one an stick to it.

I was about to say something when he mumbled something to his shoes, I asked what he said so he looked at me and said louder "I really like you", he jumped up and kissed me and with that he took off out of the room.
That last sentence is begging you to give it some descriptions. What is his face like before the kiss? How does the MC feel about his confession? Stuff like that, and then get to the kiss. An also, after that tell how he ran out of the room.

I sat there stunned, then I laid back, hand on my lips, thinking he loves me! Capitalize-> he really loves me! and fell into a deep sleep. New Paragraph here. I woke up at ten the next day with a million thoughts swirling in my mind. Weird, I thought. I don't remember going to sleep. I tried to remember what happened the night before, then it came to me.

The party, the way Logan kissed me and ran out, and how i<-Capitalize![s] lie[/s] laid there for a long time drowning? in shock and pleasure. Then i<-Capitalize! poked my head out of the door to see if he was in Chris's room. Not there. I looked everywhere inside of the house and in the backyard, not there either "Where is he?" I asked myself under my breath. I looked in the front as he pulled up in his car.
If she woke up at ten the next day, why is she looking for him? Did he stay the night? Elaborate?

He was gone duh. Should have looked there first. Wait! I've found him, now what? Why don't i<-Capitalize! ever think things through? So I ran back into my room and locked the door quickly. I sat on the bed thinking rapidly for what to do then the door opened.

Damn! I must not have closed it tight enough. It was Logan. Now i<-Capitalize! was just confused but i<-Capitalize! didn't let it show on my face and asked "Yes?" New Paragraph. He gulped and asked "Are we still okay or are you afraid to talk to me now?" I was completely confused at that point and didn't bother to hide it anymore. New Paragraph. Then I sighed and said "Wow, boys really are clueless."

Then I walked to him looking him in the eyes and said "Of course were okay silly. I love you." and gave him a peck on the lips. New Paragraph. He looked like his world had turned upside down then he kissed me back and said "Thank Capitalize->god, I couldn't have lived if I had lost you" New Paragraph. I blushed and said "As long as you want me you have me."New Paragraph. Then without warning.....

Hm, I don't like the last sentence, it doesn't do a very good job as a cliffhanger. My advice is just to tell the reader what happened without warning and then say no more. It will leave them asking why or what or who or any of those other w questions.

I liked this piece, maybe I'm just a sucker for romance but I did really like the way the last scene came together. Although the things they said were just a tad cliche.
Fix some of the tenses, sometimes you wander from past to present tense and it's very confusing to the reader.
Also, whenever a new person is speaking, you give them a new paragraph to break it apart.
And capitalize your I's, it looks very very messy when you don't.
So my advice is to listen to the critiques and keep writing. This could be a lot better with some more effort. :]
-jade.

Hey there, yukis!

Before you submit a piece of work, it's common courtesy to edit for mistakes. I noticed not all the proper nouns are captalised, some of the words ar glued together, there's punctuation missing, etc. Just read back through it, or just trust your computer and use a spell check. Editing is not only fixing all the mistakes, but also buffing the story to make it shine. Every story needs editing, and this was once true even of Chekhov and Stephen Crane stories.

It's not unusual for some professional writers to take their stories through 30, 40, or 50 editing cycles. You will learn to sense when you've reached the Point of Diminishing Returns. This is the point where further editing will not appreciably improve your story. Let it go, and get to work on your next story. That way, readers can focus on the more serious problems with your story, rather than nitpicks.

Your main problem here is it is completely lacking originality. We have nothing to empathise with, no visual image or characterisation, nothing to keep us reading. It's just a girl who gets kissed by a boy at a party and decides she likes him. Right. We need to establish a spark of uniqueness here that will make your reader keep reading.

I have one piece of advice for you, and that is:

Immerse yourself in language

To be ready to write a story in English, your consciousness must be steeped in the best writing in English throughout history. Consider someone who wants to compose music. Before doing that, she probably performs in a band, and before that, she probably studies singing or an individual instrument. She learns how to read music, she studies harmony, she listens to all kinds of good music for years, and she may study at a conservatory. Wynton Marsalis didn't just decide to go into his first recording studio to play the trumpet one rainy day while he was recovering from the flu.

If you want to write stories, you should study the literary form. You should study the great masters of storytelling, starting with Louisa May Alcott and progressing to the Bronte sisters, Daphne du Maurier, Thomas Hardy, and specifically the great masters of the short story, starting with Charteris and Chekhov. Read as many books as you can find. You must read classics, not just current popular books. Tolstoy will teach you more about writing than Stephanie Meyer. You are steeping yourself in language.

Writing a novel isn't much different. Of course, writing a good story or novel is a different subject. We'll treat that later. For now, remember that practice is the only thing that can make you a good writer. Put it into perspective. For example, it's far easier to get accepted by a medical college than it is to publish a short story in The New Yorker.

Good Luck!

-Sarah

Hey, yukisgirl. I hope this helps.

We had just got home from the party and Logan was spending a couple of days here. I immediately [s]go[/s] went to my room and got changed. I had just pulled on a shirt when [s]i[/s] I heared a knock What kind of knock? on the door[b Logan [s]says[/s] said he has something he wants to tell me, so I motion for him to come in. He [s]does[/s] did and we sat down on my bed, we sat there for a while I'm sure - [s]5[/s] five to [s]10[/s] ten minutes have passed since he came in and I[s]'m[/s] was starting to think he'd forgotten what he wanted to say.

I was about to say something when he mumbled something to his shoes. I asked what he said so he looked at me and said louder, "I really like you." He jumped up and kissed me and with that he took off out of the room.

This is as far as I am going to go. I kinda have a headache now. It seems you have difficulty staying in one tense. One minute it's present, the next it's past. You need to keep that consistent, or it will mess the reader up (like it did me.) Also your story lacks a considerable amount of description. It's all "Went Here, Did This, Did That, Went Home." You need some description to make it less tedious.

I hope this helped, and sorry I couldn't do it all.

~Sunny

Yay! Edited! This is much, much better.

yukisgirl wrote:We had just got home from the party and Logan was spending a couple of days here. Kind of a quick beginning. You have thrown us into the plot and we have no idea about any of the charactersI immediately go to my room and get changed.change go to went I had just pulled on a shirt when icapitalize I hear a knock on the door, period here, not commaLogan says he has something he wants to tell me so icapitalize I motion for him to come in. He does and we sit down on my bed, we sit there for a while I'm sure 5 to 10 minutes have passed since he came in and I'm starting to think he's forgotten what he wanted to say. You have a problem with your tenses. You keep skipping from past to present. It is confusing for the reader.

I was about to say something when he mumbled something to his shoes, I asked what he said so he looked at me and said louder "I really like you", he jumped up and kissed me and with that he took off out of the room.

I sat there stunned then I laid back hand on my lips thinking he loves me! he really loves me! and fell into a deep sleep.Okay, this story is so random. She just happens to fall asleep? I woke up at ten the next day with a million thoughts swirling in my mind.Weird, I thought. I don't remember going to sleep. I tried to remember what happened the night before then it came to me.

The party, the way Logan kissed me and ran out, and how i capitalize Ilielay there for a long time in shock and pleasure. Then icapitalize I poked my head out of the door to see if he was in Chris's room. Not there. I looked everywhere inside of the house and in the backyard, not there either "Where is he?" I asked myself under my breath. I looked in the front as he pulled up in his car

. He was gonecomma before duh duh. Should have looked there first. Looked where? There is not a place.Wait! Ive found him now what? Don't have the character tell us. Show us that she found Logan. Use description.Why don't i Capitalize I!!!ever think things through? So I ran back into my room and locked the door quickly. I sat on the bed thinking rapidly for what to do then the door opened.

Damn! I must not have closed it tight. It was Logan. Now i Please. Please. Capitalize I!was just confused but i Here again as well. It's rather annoying.didn't let it show on my face and asked "Yes?" He gulped and asked "Are we still okay or are you afraid to talk to me now?" I was completely confused at that point and didn't bother to hide it anymore. Then I sighed and said "Wow, boys really are clueless." Whenever someone new talks start a new paragraph.

Then I walked to him looking him in the eyes and said "Of course werewe're okaycomma silly. I love you." and gave him a peck on the lips. He looked like his world had turned upside down then he kissed me back and said "Thank god, I couldn't have lived if I had lost you" I blushed and said "As long as you want me you have me." Then without warning.....

This was pretty good.
But there was absolutley no description.
There was no plot. At the end, I thought, "What was the point?"

Hope this helped,
Sakura

Okay, I can see what the story is supposed to be, but it's hard to read. You probably don't want to hear this, but it will most definitely be better if there's punctuation. Something else--it all moves really fast in the middle. I was very confused when I read this. He kisses her, runs out, but then an entire day passes. I think. So, as you can see, you should make the middle more clear; you know, drag some parts out a little bit. Other than that, you've got a nice storyline going.

I liked it. It was sweet (and I'm a sucker for sweet!). I'm not quite a good critiquer because I'm pretty much into anything I read. I'm sure other people have said this, but try to watch your grammar. Sometimes you didn't capatilize the 'I' or didn't do the quotation correctly.

Please continue to write though! I really like your style!