Beyond the Stache

Some people take a mustache
As just your average facial hair.
But what they did not know
Is that furry llamas live in there.

There are super humans
Playing leap frog,
and sweaty giraffes
Taking their morning jog.

Little boys playing dress up,
Young girls racing cars.
Atomic kittens in a teacup,
And orange poodles in ceramic jars.

Festivals of color
Take place every week;
While brave mountain climbers,
Try to reach a frightful peak.

Mothers do the hard jobs,
While fathers clean and sew.
Little brothers do the singing,
I hope that this is something you now know.

Yes there are inhabitants in a mustache,
If you look very hard.
I recommend you reconsider,
Your awful disregard.

Haha! Oh my goodness. This is so cool!

I absolutely love your imagination. I will look closely at a mustache now!!!

Loved how you changed the roles of the women and men. Funny! And little boys singing.

This poem almost makes me want to grow a mustache! But I'm a girl and I'm sure that would look a little funny.

I didn't see any problems or errors in this poem. Great job on that!

Hope to read more crazy stuff!

Becca

Thank you ^^ This poem is for a random poetry contest. The idea just came to me while I was staring at my desk xD I have lots of things taped to the hutch, one of which was a magnetic mustache.

I'll admit, this poem confused me a little bit. But it was pretty interesting to read, with all the surrealism and paradoxes. Good job. Just a couple of little things:

angels-symphony wrote:Some people take a mustache
As just your average facial hair.
But what they did not know
Is that furry llamas live in there.

One thing I'm noticing right away is that there really isn't no sense of rhythm. While it's true that a lot of poems don't need a strict, defined sense of rhythm, when you're doing four line rhyming stanzas, it helps. Try reading the poem out loud to see where it feels like the flow comes screeching to a halt.

Super humans
Playing leap frog,
Sweaty giraffes
Taking a jog.
Even mutant ninjas,
Live in mustaches very long.

This stanza confuses me. This is the only stanza in the entire poem that has a different structure than the rest of the poem, and it doesn't look like it serves a real purpose.

Festivals of color,
Take place every week.
And brave mountain climbers,
Try to reach [s]Mt. Harriet’s[/s] the frightful peak.

This stanza is another good example of the rhythm problem. The lines are dancing along fine, then the last line is just a pile of sludge that slows things down and ruins the flow. The problem, in this case, is being too specific in naming the mountain. If you specified "mountain climbers" in the previous line, we can assume that the "peak" belongs to a mountain.

Also, I'm guessing that Mt. Harriet is a mountain near your geographical area. I live in the midwest; I don't see many mountains, and I don't know where any mountains specifically are (I know Mt. Everest is in Nepal, but other than that, I'm clueless). If you're too specific with your geography, you tend to lose the interest of the reader.


Overall, it's a really good effort. It seems like every stanza has one line that sticks out and slows down the rhythm. Just some rephrasing or some cutting of words will clean it up really quickly.

Keep writing!
kf

thank you for all your help ^^ I knew the second stanza was kind of different, but I forgot to change it xD The structure was different. Thank you again!

Bahaha, thanks a lot, I just woke up my crabby little sister laughing!
Anyway, this was super creative and silly (the combo I love the most) but it was a tad confusing.
And your rythym was kinda off, which has already said.
So, what the heck am I doing here?
Oh yeah, telling you how much I love this poem!
Funny stuff.
-Emily

so this was very diffrent from what i expected on opening it. This was a very creative look at mustaches and was new. i loved the whole thing as it was quiet origanal and well done keep up the good work.

Awh this poem was so good to read!

It was so light hearted and fun! Reminds me a lot of something Dr. Suess would write! Would make an excellent children's book.

You're good at the rhyming scheme - something that never has really interested me. Disregard what people are saying about stanzas and rhythm! You're only young - wait til you get older to worry about that. For now have fun and experiment! Loved this! I'm in a good mood now!

Mothers do the hard jobs,

While fathers clean and sew.

Little brothers do the singing,

I hope that this is something you now know.

I think that this last line messes with the flow of the poem. In fact, there are several lines in here that mess with the ryhthm. If you read it out loud, you can find that its alot easier to point out the lines that don't flow that well. Your writing style puts Dr. Seuss largely in my mind. Its funny, so it does emit emotion. Well, good luck in the contest. May the best contestant win!

as the proud owner of a mustache, I feel obliged to denounce your poem as blasphemy!
muahahahaha!

anyways, this was insane, silly, random (duh), and totally awesome, hey, sanity is over-rated, right?

but this poem was intensely awesome.
I really enjoyed what it meant, everything was backwards, supposedly, or perhaps not.
but the total randomness was refreshing, it was very refreshing to read something that isnt supposed to mean anything at all,

...or is it?
*mischevious grin*

and look at the giraffe, I mean, is that God's idea of a sick joke?

"let's take a horse, give it a long neck, color it yellowy-brown, and give it horns."
seriously.

well, I'm off to swim in multi-colored translucient soup, made from the diced souls of lost children.

Peace,
God

I really like this one!
Love the imagination!

Good on ya for stretching out the box a little and talking about giraffes going for jogs
I'm not too big on your stereotype role reversal, with men sowing, girls racing cars, because it's a little typical (to me anyway - that stereotype role reversal), but over all, I dig it!
Thanks

Ha! I really like this one. You really are quite random sometimes... anyway. I think that the only thing you need to do is: I think you should add a little more to the ending and put something like:
So next time you see a man
With a big shaggy mustache,
blah blah blah... I dunno just do something creative if you want.
Sorry this was a really bad review I just pretty much wanted to say I liked it! So... yeah.