I Sing Alone

I get so lost in the poetry forum, it's not even funny.. -_- Anyway, this is a poem I wrote for CW last month-ish and it was well-liked. I was kind of afraid of putting it on YWS, but I guess I'll put one of them up, eh? Have fun tearing it up. ^_^

I Sing Alone

The day brings sun
when it once was dreary
like the times we’ve sang
in perfect harmony,

but now I sing
alone.

The letters unite in formation –
black as night but white as day –
along the stem of pleasantry.
O how opposites attract
in perfect harmony,

but now I sing
alone.

The little stars twinkle
about the world’s white page.
One after the other, they chime
on cue to the director’s baton
in perfect harmony,

but now I sing
alone.

I hear the memory
fade into extinction
as the second voice
loses the will to persist
in perfect harmony,

and now I sing
alone.

So why do I not feel lonely?

I shall be gentle, I promise! Or, at the least, one can hope helpful.

Repetition: You repeat 3 lines 4 times, which means the you actually only have 19 original lines, even though your poem is slightly longer than that. Okay so all those silly numbers don't really mean anything, but my point is a lot less of your poem is "new" to us by the end. By the end of the poem it's a little tiring to see those same words again, and they loose their meaning. I think a restructuring of this poem would give it a lot more power, so that the repeated lines come at the end. One shot, more strength, instead of several shots with a weakening power.

Flow/Rhythm: Since I just suggested you move a bunch of stuff around, I won't focus too much on this because everything will be changing, maybe. Your larger stanzas didn't flow right, and I'm not entirely certain why. Reading them, they felt clunky. Maybe if you read them out loud you can find it for yourself? It might be a matter of stanza length (which varies) or line breaks. I'm not entirely sure, and like I said, you might be moving stuff around so this point could be null.

Conclusion: Your last line should kick me in the gut, knock the wind out of me, leave me stunned, mostly because it is that kind of last line. Instead, it's flat and I'm left thinking, "What?" because I didn't expect it at all, and I wasn't prepared. In the poem you don't talk about being alone, you talk about the voices together. And, true, singing is the metaphor of choice in this poem, but you talk about togetherness, then absence. I can't find the logic that, though you're alone, you don't feel lonely from the poem, which is really what perplexes me. It's not a complicated feeling, simply I don't understand how the speaker feels this. Why does the speaker feel she is not alone, when she is? Perhaps this shouldn't be marked in your conclusion, but hinted somewhere, somehow. Either way, I think that some discussion in the poem of loneliness/not loneliness need to be added, to give the reading some feelings to bounce off of. ^^


It was not a bad poem by any means! It's not my type of poem, so I'm having trouble complimenting it, but it really only needs small work, if that is any comfort? For one who gets lost in the poetry forum, it's not bad at all.

If you have any questions, hunt me down!

[s]The day brings sun
when it once was dreary
like the times we’ve sang
in perfect harmony,

but now I sing
alone.[/s]

The letters unite in formation – [the poem began here, for me]
black as night but white as day –
along the stem of pleasantry.
O how opposites attract
in perfect harmony,

The little stars twinkle
about the world’s white page. [loved the imagery]
One after the other, they chime
on cue to the director’s baton
in perfect harmony,

I rather liked this, Jabs. It was simple, clear and easy to read but with lovely imagery nonetheless. For me, it wasn't clunky at all. I read it as being about writing, about creating worlds - singing alone - but that, while set up in to have melancholy meaning, isn't actually a bad thing.....at least the last line would seem to imply as such.

It implies more than you're into solitude anyway, I think, implies that you're not alone -- I took that to be referring to characters in the world building? XD. I could be completely bonkers with my interpretation but ah well. Point is, I think there's more than one meaning inherent in the poem, which is a good thing.

Having said that, I didn't see the relevance the first stanza had to the rest of the poem and as such I think it needs to be restructured a tad.

Hope that helped, despite my ramble. XD

I Sing Alone



The day brings sun

when it once was dreary

like the times we’ve sang

in perfect harmony,



but now I sing

alone.

I totally agree with Jig, you should start it from the next stanza.

The letters unite in formation –

black as night but white as day –

along the stem of pleasantry.

O how opposites attract

Should it be Oh or O? I think you can use either. xD

in perfect harmony,



but now I sing

alone.

I like the repetition of the lines, even if some people don't. I guess it's just a matter of personal opinion

The little stars twinkle

about the world’s white page.

One after the other, they chime

on cue to the director’s baton

in perfect harmony,

I really love the imagery in this stanza xD

but now I sing

alone.



I hear the memory

fade into extinction

as the second voice

loses the will to persist

in perfect harmony,

I like this stanza xD

and now I sing

alone.



So why do I not feel lonely?

I'm not so sure about the last line, I liked the rest, I just feel the last line could be better.

I read it as being about writing, about creating worlds - singing alone - but that, while set up in to have melancholy meaning, isn't actually a bad thing.....at least the last line would seem to imply as such.

That's exactly what I thought it was about, spooky


It's like all good poetry, you can enjoy it as a poem, or you can delve deeper and find meaning. Thoughts and philosophies. Ideas and images. This was really good. I loved it xD
xoxo

It was not bad but I thought it was too short! But you have punctuation which is good. I gut confused on the very last part:


So why do I not feel lonely?

Can you explain why it was necessary to put that please?
I also felt a little bit bored with this poem.
I grade this poem 3 stars out of 5.
Good luck!

Jabber,
It is certain to use chatspeak in a poem.
It's fine if you messed up and acciedently did not type the "h" in "Oh".
Well, other than that, the poem was great.
You really have a way with words.

-
JUST BREATHE DEEPLY AND YOU'LL BE FINE
AuDrEy

Hello,

I like this poem, very much.

That's all there is to say really, I find no faults in the entire poem and I think the imagery is outstanding, the use of words and the climax builds up a sense of loneliness for the character, the end is also superb, ending on a question is a great way to end a piece like this, especially something like this, I love the way you have set this poem out. And I also love your writing style, I have seen very few like yours and I must say, when I see a writing style like yours I can't help but smile, even if the poem itself is a sad and lonely one.

I cannot wait to read more of your work and I highly encourage you to write more and do not be put off by critique, I give your poem a wholesome 5 out 5! Well done and I would certainly recommend this poem to anyone who enjoyed reading whatever type of poem and so I say farewell, good luck, and luck forward to seeing more of your work.

~ Hayley