The Reunion

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I wrote this over a year back. Please critique harshly. Thanks! :)

And,


HappyNewYear!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They say love is an overpowering emotion. Whoever ‘they’ are couldn’t have said it better.

We knew each other as friends. I never knew when I fell in love with him or how. I realized that I was insanely attracted to him when I became conscious of my eyes flitting toward him. I would look away immediately, my heart racing at a hundred beats per second. I was always sub-consciously aware of what he was doing. My eyes would always find him in a crowd.

He isn’t your lean, muscular, hot hunk. He is a fat, cute, smart guy. I wish I could say my fat, cute, smart guy. But we weren’t meant to be. We were just friends.
Talking to him sent bolts of lightning through me. My hands became cold and I desperately hoped I wasn't blushing.

I thought I had been one of those who could put on a poker face whenever called for, but I guess I was wrong.
On one day, I was walking out of my seat when my hand accidentally brushed against him. I tensed up. My palms started to sweat and I felt myself reddening.
“Sorry”, I mumbled, without looking into his dark brown eyes, so dark that it was almost black.
“Hey, no probs”, he replied.

Tara, my friend called me over. She had a malicious grin plastered on her face, with her eyes gleaming. I recognized this look as her 'gossip-face.' She was bursting to tell me something.
I looked at her questioningly. “What?”
She beckoned me over and said, “So do you like him or do you like him?”
I put on a puzzled look. “Huh?”
“Oh come on, don’t give me bull-shit. I have seen you perking up at the mention of Aaron’s name. Tell me. Spit it out.”
“Tara!” I exclaimed. “How could you think like that? Of course not! It’s not true. I DO NOT like him.”
“Fine, suit yourself. But hey, cool it, 'kay? ”
I could see that she was a upset at this outburst, but I didn't care. I didn't like displaying my inner thoughts for everyone to see.

My head replayed this scene played this scene every time I spoke to him. My thoughts almost always had something to do with him. I never dared to ask him out, nor did I ever show any signs of attraction, for fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of disappointment.
Fear of losing a friend.
Fear of not having to think about him.
I was insanely in love with him. Every time Tara brought out the topic, I forced myself to convince her that I did not like him. Sometimes, I think I said it a little too strongly in hope of convincing myself to forget him. I had forced myself to believe it to be just another crush.



I am a college girl now. The school days are behind me. In these past three years in college, I have learned a lot; on how to forget the past, move on with life and live the present.


I slumped into the chair in front of the computer and logged in into my inbox. Nestled between all the annoying forwards (which I ignore) was an invitation.
Our class was meeting up for a re-union party, 2 weeks from now. I was thrilled at the prospect of meeting all my old friends with whom I haven’t kept contact. Amidst these thoughts surfaced those which made me tingle.
Aaron.
I tensed at thought of meeting him after all these years. What would he look like? Would he still have that messy hairstyle? Would he be the cute and fat guy I fell in love with - the one with whom I still am in love?
Even though we hadn’t spoken for over 3 years, my heart still skipped a beat or two when I thought of him.

The rest of the days sped by in a blur of end-of-semester exams and last-minute project submissions.

The party was going great with people showing off their moves on the dance floor. I was never much of a dancer. I was sipping punch, careful not to spill any on my new black dress and scanning the crowd of dancers when I heard a voice.
“Hi Leona.”
“Hi!” I said, looking into those deep brown eyes that I had missed so much. He looked exactly the same, except that he had grown taller and his voice had broken. I was slightly surprised at first but then I felt pleased to seem him.
"So how's life? What's your college like?" I asked him.
"Mmmm good. College is well... college-ish, I guess?"
The conversation went on for a while with both of us talking of mundane things and how we missed school. After that, I walked around aimlessly talking to my friends every now and then. As I headed back to the buffet table, I noticed Aaron by the water dispenser.
He called me over and I saw his face had changed, there was something bothering him. His eyes looked troubled and I wondered what could have brought about such a sudden change. It was just about an hour ago that we were happily chatting.
He opened his mouth as if to say something but nothing came out of it. "Umm... yeah?" I asked. He shuffled his feet and smoothened his tie. It looked as if he was Atlas carrying a heavy boulder upon his shoulders.
“Leona, I don’t know how long I can bottle this up within me any more. I love you. I have loved you ever since you moved to our school. I never could bring myself round to saying it. I shall understand if you say no.”
Oh My God! I thought to myself. I did not see that coming.
I stood rooted to the spot. Tears were streaming down my face as I looked into his eyes. They didn't look so troubled anymore. They looked relieved. My head felt dizzy as I played out these past couple of minutes. The minutes I would never forget.
He said after a momentary pause, “Fine, I guess I’ll take that as a no.” He started to walk off, obviously disappointed.
“No”, I whispered. Aaron turned back.
“Aaron, I’m... I’m not crying because of that. I… I…” More tears flowed down my face as I walked up to him and kissed him full on the lips.

He was slightly startled but soon, he bent over to kiss me. His smooth, cold lips pressed tightly against mine. Blood rushed to my ears as his mouthed coaxed my mouth open. Our tongues danced with each other even if we didn't dance on the dance floor.
He pulled me over to the shadows of the party hall, his hands running all over me. I just hugged him tighter than ever, thanking God for bringing us together.

We were two lovers, intertwined and melting away in those shadows.
Last edited by Lava on Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:57 am, edited 3 times in total.
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Lily here. I'm gonna be reviewing your work today...

Let us commence!

We had known each other as friends.

We knew each other as friends.

“Tara!” I exclaimed. “How could you think like that? Of course not! It’s not true. I DO NOT like him.”

She doth protest too much to be believed by her friend.

“Fine suit yourself”

Where are your punctuation marks? Your comma and fullstop?

I never dared to ask him out, nor did I ever show any signs of attraction for fear.

I don't get the attraction for fear.

Fear of not having to think about him.

Huh?

I had forced myself to believe it to be just another crush.

"Forced" is repeated, try using a word like "made". And the "had" makes it sound really formal.

I am a college girl now. The school days are behind me. In these past 3 years in college, I have learned a lot; on how to forget the past, move on with life and live the present.
I slumped into the chair in front of the computer and logged in into my inbox. Amidst all the annoying forwards (which I ignore) was an invitation.

From present tense to past tense?

“What would he look like? Would he still have that messy hairstyle? Would he be the cute and fat guy I fell in love with - the one with whom I still am in love?”

Remove the inverted commas. It sounds a bit cliche.

He looked exactly the same, except that he had gown taller and his voice had broken.

Typos happen to the best of us. "Grown", hun.

He called me over to a place by the water dispenser;

Replace the semicolon with a fullstop.

Tears were streaming down my face as I looked into his eyes.

Why? And how did that happen so fast?

We were two lovers, inter-twined and melting away in those shadows.

Again, this sounds too cliche. I think "intertwined" doesn't need a hyphen.

Try adding more description to the story. It's too fast-paced. And the language is too formal. Contractions and less "had, have, has"s can help. It has potential, but it's kind of like a tree without leaves.

Hope I helped,
Lily.
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Thanks a lot Lily.
And that bit about present and past, I was trying to experiment with tenses and the I decided to switch to past. Guess I didn't scrutinize it too much =)

Anyway, much appreciated!
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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I'll write this is in the quick reply box before I forget what I wanted to say...Lily's first comment isn't actually right...both ways of phrasing convey the same meaning and neither of them are incorrect! Sorry! Lol...

I'll come back and do a proper review in a bit but maybe the title is a little cliche...but maybe that adds to it...i'm undecided :)
Olivia
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If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...




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wrote this over a year back. Please critique harshly. Thanks!


And,


HappyNewYear!!! 1


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


They say love is an overpowering emotion. Whoever ‘they’ are couldn’t have said it better.2


We had known each other as friends. I never knew when I fell in love with him or how. I realized that I was insanely attracted to him when I became conscious of my eyes flitting toward him. I would look away immediately, my heart racing at a 100 3 beats per second. I was always sub-consciously aware of what he was doing. My eyes would always find him in a crowd.


He isn’t your lean, muscular, hot hunk. He is a fat, cute, smart guy. I wish I could say my fat, cute, smart guy. But we weren’t meant to be. We were just friends. 4

Talking to him sent bolts of lightning through me. It sent a chill down my spine and made my heart flutter. 5


I thought I had been one of those who could put on a poker face whenever called for, but I guess I was wrong.

On one day, 7th September, 2007 to be precise, I was walking out of my seat when my hand accidentally brushed against him. I tensed up. My palms started to sweat and I felt myself reddening.6

“Sorry”, I mumbled, without looking into his dark brown eyes, so dark that it was almost black.

“Hey, no probs”, he replied.


“LEONA....!”, yelled Tara, my friend. She had a malicious grin plastered on her face, with her eyes gleaming.

I looked at her questioningly.

“What?”

She beckoned me over and said, “So do you like him or do you like him?”

I put on a puzzled look. “Huh?”

“Oh come on, don’t give me bull-shit. I have seen you perking up at the mention of Aaron’s name. Tell me. Spit it out.”

“Tara!” I exclaimed. “How could you think like that? Of course not! It’s not true. I DO NOT like him.”

“Fine 7suit yourself”


My head replayed this scene played this scene every time I spoke to him. My thoughts almost always had something to do with him. I never dared to ask him out, nor did I ever show any signs of attraction for fear.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of disappointment.

Fear of losing a friend.

Fear of not having to think about him. 8

I was irrevocably in love with him.9 Every time Tara brought out the topic, I forced myself to convince her that I did not like him. Sometimes, I think I said it a little too strongly in hope of convincing myself to forget him. I had forced myself to believe it to be just another crush.




I am a college girl now. The school days are behind me. In these past 3 years in college, I have learned a lot; on how to forget the past, move on with life and live the present.9



I slumped into the chair in front of the computer and logged in into10 my inbox. Amidst all the annoying forwards (which I ignore) was an invitation.

Our batch was meeting up for a re-union party, 211 weeks from now. I was thrilled at the prospect of meeting all my old friends with whom I haven’t kept contact. Amidst 12 these thoughts surfaced those which made me tingle.

Aaron.

I tensed at thought of meeting him after all these years. “What would he look like? Would he still have that messy hairstyle? Would he be the cute and fat guy I fell in love with - the one with whom I still am in love?” 13

Even though we haven’t spoken for over 3 years, my heart still skipped a beat or two when I thought of him.


The rest of the days sped by in a blur of end-of-semester exams and last-minute project submissions.



I was sipping punch, careful not to spill any on my new black dress and scanning the crowd of dancers when I heard a voice.

“Hi Leona.”

“Hi!” I said, looking into those deep brown eyes that I had missed so much. He looked exactly the same, except that he had gown 14 taller and his voice had broken.

He called me over to a place by the water dispenser;

“Leona, I don’t know how long I can bottle this up within me any more. I love you. I have loved you ever since you moved to our school. I never could bring myself round to saying it. I shall understand if you say no.”

Tears were streaming down my face as I looked into his eyes.

He said after a momentary pause, “Fine, I guess I’ll take that as a no.” He started to walk off, obviously disappointed.

“No”, I whispered. Aaron turned back.

“Aaron, I’m... I’m not crying because of that. I… I…” More tears flowed down my face as I walked up to him and kissed him full in the lips.15


He was slightly startled but soon, his bent over to kiss me. His smooth, cold lips pressed tightly against mine. Blood rushed to my ears as his mouthed coaxed my mouth open. Our tongues danced with each other even if we didn't dance on the dance floor.

He pulled me over to the shadows of the party hall, his hands running all over me. I just hugged him tighter than ever, thanking God for bringing us together.


We were two lovers, inter-twined and melting away in those shadows16



Okay; I liked this, Lily had a point about the tenses, though. There was something not right about them. Your main character isn't developed enough. You need to give her some quirks, make her stand out. Bring her to life. I did like some parts though. Add more imagery too.
Numbers:

1. Happy new year to you too xD
2. I like the start, it's not overused and it fits well.
3. I hate it when people use numbers instead of letters. Write the number out. Otherwise it's distracting and annoying.
4. The tense gets a bit mixed up here. I understand what you're trying to say, but you're not saying it right.
5. Made my heart flutter, is a bit too overused in writing. Find a better experssion.
6. Having the date ruins this. I hate dates in writing unless it's a diary. It makes it awkward and annoying, and cliche.
7. comma.
8. I really like those, good insight.
9. Irrevocably sounds too cliched and twilight.
9. The tenses go weird again but good insight
10. You don't need in and into.
11. Letters not numbers.
12. Don't use amidst again.
13. This is worded awkwardly, should be am in love with. The tenses change so none of the words sound right.
14. Gown? Do you mean grown?
15. On not in.
16. Good ending.

So, this was good, just be careful of the tenses and such, otherwise good job xD

Hope I helped
~Lostxxx
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lavabubblingout wrote:
They say love is an overpowering emotion. Whoever ‘they’ are couldn’t have said it better.

We had known each other as friends. I agree it sounds better as "We knew each other as friends." I never knew when I fell in love with him or how. I realized that I was insanely attracted to him when I became conscious of my eyes flitting toward him. I would look away immediately, my heart racing at a 100 beats per second. I was always sub-consciously aware of what he was doing. My eyes would always find him in a crowd.

He isn’t your lean, muscular, hot hunk. He is a fat, cute, smart guy. I wish I could say my fat, cute, smart guy. But we weren’t meant to be. We were just friends.
Talking to him sent bolts of lightning through me. It sent a chill down my spine and made my heart flutter. I think you can take both of those sentences and combine them, it would make it sound less choppy and more fluid.

I thought I had been one of those who could put on a poker face whenever called for, but I guess I was wrong.
On one day, 7th September, 2007 to be precise, I was walking out of my seat when my hand accidentally brushed against him. I tensed up. My palms started to sweat and I felt myself reddening.
“Sorry”, I mumbled, without looking into his dark brown eyes, so dark that[s] it was [/s]they were almost black.
“Hey, no probs”, he replied.

“LEONA....!”, yelled Tara, my friend. Just that sentence sounds awkward, I'd say change it up a little so it doesn't sound so... fourth grade writer. She had a malicious grin plastered on her face, with her eyes gleaming.
I looked at her questioningly. You don't need a new paragraph here, keep the "what" with the previous sentence.
“What?”
She beckoned me over and said, “So do you like him or do you like him?”
I put on a puzzled look. “Huh?”
“Oh come on, don’t give me bull-shit. I have seen you perking up at the mention of Aaron’s name. Tell me. Spit it out.”
“Tara!” I exclaimed. “How could you think like that? Of course not! It’s not true. I DO NOT like him.”
“Fine suit yourself”

My head replayed this scene played this scene every time I spoke to him. My thoughts almost always had something to do with him. I never dared to ask him out, nor did I ever show any signs of attraction for fear.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of disappointment.
Fear of losing a friend.
Fear of not having to think about him.
I was irrevocably in love with him. Every time Tara brought out the topic, I forced myself to convince her that I did not like him. Sometimes, I think I said it a little too strongly in hope of convincing myself to forget him. I had forced myself to believe it to be just another crush.



I am a college girl now. The school days are behind me. In these past 3 years in college, I have learned a lot; on how to forget the past, move on with life and live the present.


I slumped into the chair in front of the computer and logged in into my inbox. Amidst all the annoying forwards (which I ignore) there was an invitation.
Our batch batch? That word sounds weird here. Batch of what? was meeting up for a re-union party, 2 weeks from now. I was thrilled at the prospect of meeting all my old friends with whom I haven’t kept contact. Amidst these thought surfaced those which made me tingle.
Aaron.
I tensed at thought of meeting him after all these years. “What would he look like? Would he still have that messy hairstyle? Would he be the cute and fat guy I fell in love with - the one with whom I still am in love?”
Even though we [s]haven’t [/s]hadn't spoken for over 3 years, my heart still skipped a beat or two when I thought of him.

The rest of the days sped by in a blur of end-of-semester exams and last-minute project submissions.


I was sipping punch, careful not to spill any on my new black dress and scanning the crowd of dancers when I heard a voice.
“Hi Leona.”
“Hi!” I said, looking into those deep brown eyes that I had missed so much. He looked exactly the same, except that he had gown taller and his voice had broken.
He called me over to a place by the water dispenser;
“Leona, I don’t know how long I can bottle this up within me any more. I love you. I have loved you ever since you moved to our school. I never could bring myself round to saying it. I shall understand if you say no.” Woah, slow down there cowboy. That was a little too fast. Build up to this point. Describe his face before this confession. His mannerism. Is he nervous? Or is he confident? Is he with people? Or alone? Take little pauses between his confession to draw it out.
Tears were streaming down my face as I looked into his eyes.
He said after a momentary pause, “Fine, I guess I’ll take that as a no.” He started to walk off, obviously disappointed.
“No”, I whispered. Aaron turned back.
“Aaron, I’m... I’m not crying because of that. I… I…” More tears flowed down my face as I walked up to him and kissed him full in the lips.

He was slightly startled but soon, his bent over to kiss me. His smooth, cold lips pressed tightly against mine. Blood rushed to my ears as his mouthed coaxed my mouth open. Our tongues danced with each other even if we didn't dance on the dance floor.
He pulled me over to the shadows of the party hall, his hands running all over me. I just hugged him tighter than ever, thanking God for bringing us together.

We were two lovers, inter-twined take out the hyphen, intertwined is one word. and melting away in those shadows.


I really liked this piece. The last scene was very powerful and you did a beautiful job of describing it. I think it saved the whole story. While a bit cliche, this is still very good and I applaud you.
Keep writing.
-jade.
--->Don't forget we've got unfinished business. Stories yet to unfold, tales that must be retold.
-Alex Gaskarth




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This is really, really good. Very sweet! :D

There are some typos and the tenses are mixed up in places, but apart from that, it all seems ok! :)
When the drums come in
And the keys get louder
Now we're building a collision of noise

~ The Broken Minor by Elliot Minor



It’s not unorthodox, I thought it was beautiful.
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