One Night

~This is my second poem and I really don't know how good it is... especially the last stanza. Read it with a rhythm to it, it works better~

I don’t know what I am to do,
I cannot stop thinking about you
I miss you so, I need you there,
But sadly, you are not anywhere
I lie on my bed and miss you near,
But I know that you will never be here

I close my eyes and wrack my brain
It can’t be true that you were slain
You were alone that night, walking home
That terrible man left to roam
He took your wallet and then pulled out a knife
Then that terrible man took your life

I think many nights about where you are
Are you that planet? Are you that star?
I'd like to imagine I’ll see you someday
But the more my thoughts wander, the more these feelings fray
You aren’t here, you aren’t there
I begin to wonder, are you anywhere?

It is a warm night, and I miss you so dear
It has been at least a year
I pray to God for a sign,
And I think I might receive one from the lord divine
The stars twinkle, the moon
And there in the night I am not alone
I feel your presence, I feel your love
And there in the night, I know what dreams are made of
After this, all I feel is a real sense of peace
my pain has finally come to cease

I know where you are now, where you reside
You're in the air, the water and near my side
I didn’t see you because I was so blinded by pain
But my eyes are now opened to all there is to gain
The beauty of the night, the still of the air
I still miss you so, but I know you will always be there

Heyyyy there Moonlight! June here! June is vicious, just so you know. Please don't take her bluntness too personal, she just goes a bit overboard sometimes without noticing; so don't mind.


Strangely, I like this poem. This is the type of poem that i usually don't like, but there is something about this-- maybe it's the effort that you put into this, that makes this shine.

The rhyme scheme here is a bit rough; Some lines have a bit of a drag while others are simplistic.

Nit picks!:

It can’t true that you were slain

I think you mean, it can't be true? Insert a "Be" in there .


Try as much as you can to not begin lines with "and". It kind of takes away from the poem unless it is absolutely necessary. Also! You repeat alot. You rhymed with "anywhere" and "there" more than once; refrain from doing that as much .

Try to keep your lines a set length. Having them various lengths breaks your rhythm up and make it iffy.

You are in the air, the water, the light

This line didn't fit. You have rhymes going, and this breaks up the flow, a bit, dear. Choose another word to change this line... some rhyming words are abide, subside, pride, side, divide-- anything. Light just doesn't fit.


So! Dear, you did a great job here, and I liked it. I don't care that it wasn't perfectly written or whatever, I liked it. It holds emotion and isn't entirely flat .

Good job, keep it up!


June

(Hope I wasn't too harsh!)

Hello there!

Since this is your second poem, I have to ask, have you read poetry? I'm not assuming that you don't, don't take me wrong. Simply, I know that when I was your age I never read poetry. Now looking back, and having worked on poetry for a few years, I know that the best way to learn how to write it is to read poetry. So, if you're really hoping to improve your poetry, you might want to start hitting the books! A few of my favorites are T.S. Elliot, Ezra Pound and Emilie Dickinson. You can google any of these and find tons of great poems.

Now! To the actual poem. You have a lot of great emotions here. It really fits into the category of an elegy, which is a poem of mourning. Starting with that, you've got a lot to go on! However, for all the emotion you could have in this poem, you don't take advantage of it. This poem speaks to whoever you is, and leaves me, the reader, in the dark. Even though I know what happened, since you talked about it in this poem, I never knew who this other person is so why should I mourn for them? I know that sounds insensitive! I actually do care for them, but in the poem, you have to make me care for them! That sounds kind of confusing, I understand. Mourning poems are strange anyway.

Lets see if I can make sense? Instead of telling, show things. Use descriptive, vivid language to explain emotions, situations, thoughts. If you can't make me care for this person, make me relate to the speaker. Everyone has lost someone, and if not, we can all imagine it. This is something you can use to your advantage! You just have to bring the emotions out. Don't just talk about the situation, show the feelings of it!

I really hope that helps? Honestly, I think reading poetry will help more than anything I say. If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

Hi ^^ First off, I think this is a very nice poem and it has a good backbone. But there are a few things that are picking at me. The rymes are predictable and rough. You should never sacrifice your words flow to catch a ryme. Work around them and don't be afraid to go int detail. A poem with depth out lives a shallow one by years to come. It's clear that you thought out what you wanted the poem to be about, but it doesn't seem to flow the way you try to make it. Like a puffer fish trying to make itself look bigger than it actually is.
I suggest rereading it as well, sometimes in haze we forget small words...Or leave out parts. just remember that a poem is something you have to feel...It's a display of emotions...Your words are paint and you have to morphe a blank canvas into an entire world. ^^ Keeop trying, for your second poem it's not bad at all. Pratice makes perfect right?

Hey! I'm here, as requested.

OKay, so I really like your poem and I think both your poems are tied. Sure, they both have their flaws, but they're both excellent in their own way. You never told me you write poetry so well!

So, I think this poem could have been tweaked by yourself if you read it over. I think it was smart of you to take those ideas you showed me, well those emotions, and place it in another poem.

I have one question, though: What was your inspiration? Did you read about it or just come up with it on the spot. You just amaze me sometimes.

Anyway, if you want to read into poetry I have the complete works of Emily Dickinson I'll let you borrow and Edgar Allen Poe (who is strangely my favorite). I know they help with my writing and it might help with your style, as well. Just say the word and they're yours.

Your poem has a good theme and moral, or whatever you want to call it. However, I agree that the rhymes are a little flat and predictable. I know from experience that rhyming is really hard if you're trying to make a certain point in each line, so good job. I find it a lot easier to not rhyme with poetry before beginning with rhymes and things like that. Haiku and just poems that flow without using rhymes are just as beautifl as ones that don't. Oops, do I sound harsh? Great job with the rhymes, but they are really hard to write.

Joy, I used "rhyme" in every sentence.

Dear, You really have a way with words.
There were absolutly no mistakes.
With my honest opinion, I thought it t'was very emotional but wonderful.
I love the way you express your self.

lovely poem, made me really think. You're really good and I like it a lot. You may have either dropped the sappiness sometimes or did it too much, but in some places you had just the right amount to make someone really enjoy the poem. Work on evening out the mood effect and you'll be good to go

moonlight123 wrote:~This is my second poem and I really don't know how good it is... especially the last stanza. Read it with a rhythm to it, it works better~

I don’t know what I am to do,
I can’t stop thinking about you
I miss you so, I need you there,
But sadly, you are not anywhere
I lie on my bed and miss you near,
But I know that you will not ever be here

I close my eyes and wrack my brain
It can’t be true that you were slain
You were alone that night, walking home
That terrible man left to roam
He took your wallet and then pulled out a knife
Then that terrible man took your life

I think many nights, about where you are
Are you that planet? Are you that star?
I like to imagine I’ll see you someday
But the more my thoughts wander, the more these feelings fray
You aren’t here, you aren’t there
I begin to wonder, Are you anywhere?

It is a warm night, and I miss you so dear
It has been at least a year
I pray to God for a sign,
And I think I might receive one from the lord divine
The stars twinkle, the moon shone
And there in the night I am not alone And there in the night, I know what dreams are made of
I feel your presence, I feel your love

After this, all I feel was a real sense of peace
And all of my pain has finally came to cease

I know where you are now, where you reside
You are in the air, the water and near my side
I didn’t see you because I was so blinded by pain
But my eyes are now opened to all there is to gain
The beauty of the night, the still of the air
I still miss you so, but I know that you will always be there

I was thiniking about Twilight when I was reading it.

You chosen good words. Good Job!

Hey There !
Returning the favour of your helpful crit ~ !

Let's get to it.


I don’t know what I am to do,

I cannot stop thinking about you

I miss you so, I need you there,

But sadly, you are not anywhere

I lie on my bed and miss you near,

But I know that you will not ever be here I might change this last line to "But I know that you will never be here" Personally, I feel it has a better tone and flow to it.



I close my eyes and wrack my brain

It can’t be true that you were slain First time reading this.. I was a bit surprised. With the happy feel of the rhyme, I wasn't expecting this. However, the second time around it seems less shocking. I guess it depends on who you are & your views on this poem. Some people might critisize the whole thing, saying rhyming wasn't a good thing to incorporate into such a serious topic. In my opinion, is it totally and absolutely up to YOU. You're the author and so it's your choice.

You were alone that night, walking home

That terrible man left to roam

He took your wallet and then pulled out a knife

Then that terrible man took your life
Think of a stronger adjective than "terrible"? It isn't that powerful for such an atrocity like this.



I think many nights about where you are I dig this line a great deal, but I might change it to something similar like:
I think on many nights
about where you are

Are you that planet? Are you that star?

I'd like to imagine I’ll see you someday

But the more my thoughts wander, the more these feelings fray

You aren’t here, you aren’t there

I begin to wonder, are you anywhere?
Great Images here!



It is a warm night, and I miss you so dear another word for warm is... (ideas here)

It has been at least a year

I pray to God for a sign,

And I think I might receive one from the lord divine rhyme seems to forced here. Remember, you don't have to rhyme all the way through.

The stars twinkle, the moon shone you switch tenses here. You cannot say the moon shone, if it is still shining. I don't care if it ryhmes with alone! It's a beautiful image but it sounds awkward to the reader and isn't grammatically correct.

And there in the night I am not alone I wouldn't use "and there in the night here." It sounds great the second time you use it though.

I feel your presence, I feel your love

And there in the night, I know what dreams are made of

After this, all I feel is a real sense of peace

my pain has finally come to cease



I know where you are now, where you reside

You're in the air, the water and near my side

I didn’t see you because I was so blinded by pain

But my eyes are now opened to all there is to gain

The beauty of the night, the still of the air

I still miss you so, but I know you will always be there

What a stunning ending!

Congratulations, you've officially recieved a gold star from me! What a sweet poem, it holds a lot to it. Some pretty pictures in my mind. Overall, look out for the things I mentioned to you but it's a great start for a second poem. I especially adored the way you tied it up. Using more pronounced adjectives keeps your reader motivated and eyes glued to the screen. Also, the rhyming sceme may be sketchy to some critics. Personally, I like it here. In the end, I kind of got so entranced by the moon and looking for this character, I forgot he'd been murdered. You may want to bring it up again in the middle or towards the end.
An amazing job!
Keep writing!
Adios,
Tennis.

8.5/10

I just wanted to say thanks! Your critique was VERY helpful!