The Distance Scares Me

Daniel Pearce. You could walk past him in the street and not look twice at him. I couldn’t. My heart would pound, my lips would go dry and my feet would refuse to have any communication with my brain. He has one massive fault though. The man is so unbelievably confusing! Are all men like this? Magazine pieces written by and for women would suggest this. Is it always a biased view or are there really only a few good ones ever left?
I don’t understand how he can be so distant sometimes, and to be honest, I’m not sure I ever will. Maybe I won’t have to. Maybe things will get better. But isn’t the beginning of a relationship supposed to be the best bit, the honeymoon period?
When we’re together things are more than perfect. In fact, I couldn’t possibly wish for more. We hold hands. I love his fingers entwined with mine; the way his hands are always slightly clammy. He says it’s because I make him nervous. When he looks at me, the right side of his mouth turns up slightly, like he knows what I’m thinking. Even when he’s not smiling, his eyes are. His kisses can be gentle and sweet tasting, but they can also be hard and hungry and rough. This is when I pull away.
The reason I pull away is simple, or is it? I want him to love me, and he specifically does not want to. It would mess up his plans. But what he hasn’t taken into account is the fact that I might not quite have reached the heady heights of love, but I’m certainly in too deep to just turn and walk away.
I blame literature for my disappointment. The older I get, the more cynical I become. I read Freya North and Dorothy Koomson and Jane Austen and Stephenie Meyer and want so much to achieve what they do for their characters. True love. Everyone knows about it. Everyone seems to know so much you’d think everyone else except for you has experienced it. Maybe I am on my own having not experienced it. If so, why me?
The worse thing that could happen now is for people to think this is just another soppy love story and it's not worth reading. What I am aiming for is a blow by blow account of internet dating, experienced by yours truly. Hopefully, by the time I have finished writing it there will be some assemblance of a happy ending. I would hate to have to use some kind of creative embellishment.

The reason I pull away is simple. Or is it?

Sentence fragement.

But what he hasn’t taken into account is the fact that I might not quite have reached the heady heights of love, but I’m certainly in too deep to just turn and walk away.

Sentences shouldn't start off with 'But'

All in all, the plot and message is good, could have been written better. If you added more details and the possible reason why Daniel was distant from the narrator would add a lot to the story. Maybe you should revise the story with much more elaboration and details the story can develope to be really good.

Hi, welcome to YWS, I haven't come across you before...

Thanks for your comments...

I was always told never to start sentences with conjunctives but it seems even the most successful and prolific writers now do, so who am I to argue? Lol...I did it because Iwas trying to go for a colloquial and young writing style

even the most successful and prolific writers now do, so who am I to argue?

I know Stephanie Meyers does and it irks me to shreds!

Lol...I did it because Iwas trying to go for a colloquial and young writing style

Now I see what you were trying to do. Next time you could put a '...' that could work.

Hello Olivia! How've you been?

Well, I quite liked this. The person before me picked out the two nit-picks I had seen, so I'll just go into content. I think you should continue with this but I don't think this would be a prologue. It would be more like a preface, and I think this was written well for a beginning piece though it could use a little more hook. Use more colorful words. I really think this could be interesting, especially if you know where you want this to go.

Please PM me if you continue this!

Good job and keep writing,

~Angel

Hiya. ^^ I like this so far, just a few mistakes. The others have caught most of them, but your first sentence is driving me nuts!
"Daniel Pearce. You could walk past him in the street and not look twice at him"
Alright just know that if you leave his name by itself it can't be considered a sentence. It's too words. Together they make a noun...Which makes it incomplete. Just add it to the beginning of the next sentence. Presto!
Okay other than that. Awesome job. ^^

Can it not just be a statement in a colloquial piece of writing? I know what you mean, and I do agree it isn't correct. But shouldn't writing have some subjectivity? Lol

Hey, Olivia. Long time, no talk, huh? =]

You could walk past him in the street and not look twice at him.

How come? What makes him so invisible to others but so obvious to her? Explain more here.

The reason I pull away is simple, or is it? I want him to love me, and he specifically does not want to. It would mess up his plans. But what he hasn’t taken into account is the fact that I might not quite have reached the heady heights of love, but I’m certainly in too deep to just turn and walk away.

This part is slightly confusing. She wants him to love him, but he doesn't... yet she doesn't either? Huh? Be clear on what you mean here and you'll do fine

~ ~ ~ ~

Definitely screamed Prologue to me =] I would love to read more of this, if you choose to continue. It was honest and true, which I think made me love it so much.

My only advise is to make sure you don't confuse the reader with some of your sentences on your MC's thoughts. That sometimes makes it hard to read.

Otherwise, I look forward to more