The Damage of Reality

(please note this is my second attempt at poetry) Also, read this with a beat! It makes more sense.


Your mother, your father,
Your sister, your brother,
your aunts, your uncles,
and all the others.

Do you know the real damage you have done?
Leaving them here,
while you tried to run.

The trouble you've caused them
will never fade away.
It's tattooed on their hearts,
and forever is to stay.

You thought doing it would erase your problems,
but it only made them worse.
You've done something eternal in your life,
and it cannot be reversed.

You thought you were the conflict,
but they knew that wasn't true.
Look what your tiny struggle
has destined you to do.

You should've just faced them.
They could've tried to understand.
For it was not you they hated,
but the sharp blade in your hand.

Heya angels-symphony and welcome to YWS!

Ok, so, review! Right, a few nitpicks and one idea which you can discard if you think it's a bad one: this poem may work equally as effectively as lyrics - especially if there's a beat to go with it. I don't know, just a thought that went through my mind when I read it. XD

and and is now forever to stay.

Repetition of "and". I wasn't sure whether it was a typo or deliberate but I thought I'd point it out anyway.

They would've understand.

This line doesn't really make much sense. The correct word to use would be "understood" but that would mess up your rhyming scheme so maybe try rephrasing?

Hope I've been of some help!

Happy-go-lucky

Hey there AS! Stella here!

Your mother, your father,
Your sister, your brother,
your aunts, your uncles,
your cousins and all the others.

Okay, first of all, this is an amazingly cool way to start. You just need to do something about that last line, it doesn't quite fit with the beat -but I would definitely keep "and all the others." Maybe get rid of "your cousins"?

and is now forever to stay.

You know what? I'd delete "now." It flows better without it and it isn't necessary.

You should've just faced them.
They can try understand.

Perhaps change to something like "They could've tried to understand" to stay consistent with your verb?

For it was not you they hated,
but the sharp blade in your hand.

and clever way to end.

Overall, I really enjoyed this. Though it was dark and teenage, it wasn't emo, and you managed it with a cool indifference that came over really well. I really don't have an awful lot to say, although I am interested as to why they killed themselves? Just those little problems about rhythm I pointed out, but the rhyme was fine.

I liked it.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

I love the way your poem definetly has rythum to it, (something that is close to impossible for me to accomplish) and the beginning of it was awesome:

Your mother, your father,
Your sister, your brother,
your aunts, your uncles,
your cousins and all the others.

Introducing all who the person you talking about is hurting, very creative! What I loved most was the way you ended it. Perfectly.

For it was not you they hated,
but the sharp blade in your hand.

After an entire few stanzas of guessing what this poem could've been about, you put their questions to rest in seven words. I enjoyed this and can't wait to see more!

Hey Symph! June here again to tear up another piece of work. I'm vicious.

You've got a great rhythm going here; I love it. I can totally see this recited at some poetry slam or something.

Your stanzas are good; you have a slight drag in the first line, and that staggers the feel of the poem a bit.

The words "and" and "but" are filler words. They don't have much of a meaning and are scarcely necessary in poetry. With a little bit of line reconstruction, you can totally give the reader the same effect without the usage of "blank words."

Watch your enjambment! (Pardon my usage of big words, enjambment is simply the running over of a sentence from one line to the next) it has to fit. Like this:

The dog bathes in the sunlight filtering through the porch door screen.

When using enjambment, you have to put your breaks in a place where it will be effective.

The dog bathes in the
sunlight filtering through the porch screen door.

See? That's pretty much a lame way to structure it; so what I'm saying is to just keep an open eye on how you do it. You should be able to read it aloud and put half a break/pause there without it sounding awkward.

Again! Revise your poems by reading them aloud. Goodness knows that that's the best type of revision.


Lastly! Focus. I'm not saying you lost focus here, but pay attention to how it sounds. Focus on the direction it's going in; the way you speak, the way you write it... make sure it sounds right. Stanzas are puzzle pieces. They fit together to make a complete picture.


Great job here, Shina, incredible. This makes us think.


Keep it up.

Good job!
June

I love the title. I thought the poetry was swell, especially the last part. I did have a few problems though...

Your mother, your father,
Your sister, your brother,
your aunts, your uncles,
and all the others.

I liked that opening. It was original.

Do you know the real damage you have done? I think you should rephrase it so it's not a question.
Leaving them here,
while you tried to run.

The trouble you've caused them,
will never go away. Instead of go, I would use fade
It's tattooed on their hearts,
and is now forever to stay.

You thought doing it would solve all your problems,
but really it only made them worse.
You did something wicked in your life, Suicide isn't really wicked, so I would consider changing that.
and it cannot be reversed.

You thought you were the conflict,
but they knew that wasn't true.
Look what your tiny struggle
has destined you to do.

You should've just faced them.
They could've tried to understand.
For it was not you they hated,
but the sharp blade in your hand. I absolutely loved that last line.

I thought it was a pretty neat poem. Good job.

Sweet ending!
I mean sweet in the slang term for good, not that the ending was literally sweet haha. Sometimes it's hard to tell what I mean online xD.

Anyways, on to the crit you requested me to do.

Your mother, your father,

Your sister, your brother,

your aunts, your uncles,

and all the others.

[this is a pretty good beginning ]


Do you know the real damage you have done?

Leaving them here,

while you tried to run.




The trouble you've caused them,

will never go away.

It's tattooed on their hearts,

and is now forever to stay. [you don't need now in this line]



You thought doing it would solve all your problems,

but really it only made them worse.

You did something wicked in your life,

and it cannot be reversed.

and this line soundss rehearsed!!
from something wicked to reveresed, I just don't like the sound of it. It's unnatural and the rhyme seems forced.



You thought you were the conflict,

but they knew that wasn't true.

Look what your tiny struggle

has destined you to do. [very nice stanza here, especially the last two lines]



You should've just faced them.

They could've tried to understand

For it was not you they hated,

but the sharp blade in your hand.

Overall: Good job with the words. I didn't sense much imagery in this piece but sometimes poetry isn't about that. Sometimes the words are strong enough so that pictures will be going off in the minds of the listeners or readers anyways. I felt you did that very well in this piece. Especially at the end, that was a good twist to the tale. It leaves me using my imagination because I don't what happened to the character. Also, I can connect because sometimes I do have a really rocky relationship with my parents and occasionally it gets this bad. Great story. Universal theme. I like it quite a bit.
8.5/10

Thank you everyone for your honest reviews ^^ My attempt at poetry wasn't as bad as I thought it was. I hope you noticed each time you add something I should change, I change it by the time the next reviewer comes along. Thank you again for your reviews!

Your mother, your father,

Your sister, your brother,

your aunts, your uncles,

and all the others. For some reason the rhythm of this last line doesn't click for me. I may be reading it wrong. Interesting opening over all though



Do you know the real damage you have done?

Leaving them here,

while you tried to run.



The trouble you've caused them,

will never fade away.

It's tattooed on their hearts,

and is forever to stay. Funky wording on this line... I'm not sure how to go about fixing it though



You thought doing it would solve all your problems,

but really it only made them worse.

You've done something eternal in your life,

and it cannot be reversed.



You thought you were the conflict,

but they knew that wasn't true.

Look what your tiny struggle

has destined you to do. I ADORE this stanza. It's amazing and makes the poem for me,



You should've just faced them.

They could've tried to understand.

For it was not you they hated,

but the sharp blade in your hand.

And of course, beautiful ending. This poem really hit close to home. It spoke to me, and I thought it was very nicely done. Good work.

Hi symphony! Of course I'll review this!

Your mother, your father,

Your sister, your brother,

your aunts, your uncles,

and all the others.

Good opening, makes me want to read more. This shows you don't need fancy metaphors to make it interesting.



Do you know the real damage you have done? I don't know what the narrator's tone is, but you could think whether "Don't you know" would fit better. I just want to point out something you may not have thought about. Leave it this way if it's the right one for you.

Leaving them here,

while you tried to run. Uh... why the bold? If you want to emphasize the word, rather put it in italics.



The trouble you've caused them, no comma

will never fade away.

It's tattooed on their hearts, I like this metaphor.

and is forever to stay.

Slightly plain, with the common words "trouble" and "forever", but the metaphor in the middle saves this stanza.



You thought doing it would solve all your problems, I think this is too long and it breaks the flow. Maybe ditch "doing" and "all", or then completely reword.

but really it only made them worse. Is the "really" really relevant here?

You've done something eternal in your life, "Eternal" doesn't seem like the best word here. Then again, remembering the context and what the eternal thing he's done probably is, it's actually quite clever!

and it cannot be reversed. Works quite fine, I think.



You thought you were the conflict, Ah! Nice!

but they knew that wasn't true. I'm a little torn about the vague "they", but maybe it's good this way.

Look what your tiny struggle Why was it tiny? I think the stanza could work without the "tiny", but if you feel it's very important, then keep it.

has destined you to do. Alright.



You should've just faced them.

They could've tried to understand. I don't really care for the abbreviations "could've" and "should've" in a poem. It also makes this a little tongue twistery. But I can't come up with anything that wouldn't ruin the flow and rhyming.

For it was not you they hated,

but the sharp blade in your hand. An okay, quite effective ending.

Overall:

Seeing as this is only your second attempt at poetry, this was very good. My second poem wasn't even near this good. And I'm sure that by keeping writing poetry (and also reading!) you'll learn to use less obvious words and more unique metaphors. Luckily you're in YWS, which is a very fine place for improving! And remember also to read your poetry out loud, it's really important.
Keep writing!

Just contact me if you're in need of reviews. See you around!


Demeter
xxx

Hey angels_symphony,

Here I am again, haha.

I just love helping you out, anytimes, anywhere!

Anyways, you replaced wicked with eternal.
I didn't like that.
I thought it was a boo-boo.
Maybe a turn in the wrong direction even.
Sometimes, it can be difficult to find a good word but you gotta search and search to find the one that describes the motion.

"Eternal" really wasn't what the reader is looking for here.
It sounds awkward and flimsy, but other than that I saw no other problems.
A good little piece here

Hey Shina!

You already got some good reviews, so I'm just going to talk about the content. I liked it, a lot. It had a message and it was powerful and you didn't stress the rhymes. I liked the last stanza because it tied the whole theme together and it ended this nicely. You're a really good poet and if you keep your poems flowing and meaningful, I think that others will too.


Thanks for the read and keep writing,

~Angel

Well, I am not an expert at poetry but the beginning two paragraphs kind of off-ed the beat a little. I feel like you could do better with them, especially the first paragraph with the brothers and sisters, ect. I think you need to find a more powerful beginning line.

However, I felt the last paragraph was beautifully written, especially the last line. I thought you did wonderful with that =]

Just keep on tweaking the beginning and it’ll slowly improve

Also, the title, I felt you should somehow incorporate it in there because when I first read the title, I thought I would be about something totally different. But as I read, I think it does fit but I think you should put more emphasis on it, you know?

Otherwise, I thought it was a good piece

Here at last!

Overall- I found this a little hard to understand. You're telling a story, yes, but what you are talking about isn't that clear. I don't see how the title fits in with everything. Also, who/what is the POV? If it from the people they have hurt, or the people who are hurting?

The individual lines however are very nice. I particularly liked this one:

For it was not you they hated,
but the sharp blade in your hand.

For a second attempt this is very well done. Keep it up!

^_^ Not an expert on poetry, so hopefully this can prove to be a little helpful, and if not, my apologies!

Do you know the real damage you have done?

Leaving them here,

while you tried to run.

As I read this section aloud to see how it went with a beat, I found that perhaps it would flow a bit better if you contracted 'you' and 'have' into 'you've'. ^_^

The trouble you've caused them

will never fade away.

It's tattooed on their hearts,

and forever is to stay.

Again, reading with the rhythm, I'd suggest taking out 'away' and changing 'is to' to 'will'. It keeps the same meaning, but I guess the little swing I have going in /my/ reading of the poem would like those second lines a bit less bulky. The image of 'trouble... tattooed on their hearts' is also powerful and lovely, so good choice there. ^_^

You thought doing it* would erase your problems,

but it only made them worse.

You've done something eternal in your life,

and it cannot be reversed.

I had to switch up the rhythm here a little bit, and think that maybe inserting a line break where I starred would make it easier to read? I don't know, I'm on the fence about my suggestions because it could probably be read with a different rhythm. Also, reading up on the comments before I wrote mine, if you had 'wicked' rather than 'eternal', I'd suggest putting 'wicked' back in there, because 'eternal' would imply that it can't be reversed, that it's there to stay, so I don't think you need to say that twice.

Okay. I guess the rhythm did switch, because that new one kept through the rest of the stanzas. Yes, like everyone else, I adored the last line, though I didn't exactly follow the action of the poem. I think it's great though, Shina! ^_^