The Actor Behind The Curtain

He was coming. He was coming. She had to get away, and as fast as possible. She skidded turning around a corner, nearly falling down in the process. She had to get away, and fast, or else…Ellese swallowed. She didn’t want to think about it.
As Ellese sprinted past garbage cans that were sillueted in the moon light, a black figure with a flashlight lunged itself at her. His arm wrapped around her and his shoulder drove squarely into her back.
Ellese was running at such a fast speed that, when she fell, she didn’t have enough time to register that she was falling, let alone catch herself. She slid across the rough, rain-slick pavement for a few feet before coming to a total stop. The craggy ground tore up her bare arms and ripped and tugged at her thin silk shirt. Ellese tried to get up, feeling warm blood trickle down her arms and seep through her shirt.
The black man, sitting on top of her, grabbed her head and smashed it against the pavement. Purple lights swam in front of her eyes, and Ellese barely clung onto consciousness.
Realizing that she was still awake, the man turned her over and punched her over and over again, Ellese too weak to fend off the blows. The dark man grabbed his flashlight and raised it over his head, ready to bring it down on her skull. Ellese knew this was the end.
That was when a thrumming filled the air. The man dropped the flashlight, which hit Ellese squarely in the chest before rolling onto the pavement. The man took off, disappearing into the night.
“Hey! Hey! Hey, are you okay?”
The voice sounded strong and worried, and his hands fluttered around her. After a moment, frustrated, he gave up. “I have no idea how to fix you,” he muttered to himself. “I’ve got to get you to Marcy.”
The hands picked her up and flung her over his shoulder. Then, he ran. From the wind whistling by her ears, it seemed like they were traveling fast.
Ellese couldn’t hang on any longer. She lapsed into unconsciousness.

Hey!

Hmm...Very interesting. I want to know more about this shadowed figure and Ellese.

There were a few minor errors in here. Not bad!

He was coming. He was coming. She had to get away, and as fast as possible. She skidded turning around a corner, nearly falling down in the process. She had to get away, and fast, or else…Ellese swallowed. She didn’t want to think about it.

You repeated yourself. Try using another word in here. Quickly, maybe?

You said there was a black figure and then you said black man. You might want to stick with the black figure. Unless, she can see the man when he sits on her.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this.

Can't wait to read more!

Becca

I agree with writ3rindisguis3 about the repetition of "fast" in the first paragraph, but overall this was a very good introduction, although you could have included a little more info about why she was running. Had she seen or heard something? Etc.

Purple lights swam in front of her eyes, and Ellese barely clung onto consciousness.

The word "clung" really sticks out of this sentence awkwardly. A simple word like "held" wouldn't go astray.

Realizing that she was still awake, the man turned her over and punched her over and over again, Ellese too weak to fend off the blows.

Why would he keep attacking her, when he already knows she has a head injury? I don't understand why he doesn't just grab the flashlight first thing. Perhaps so she will appear more battered and bruised for the benefit of the story, but it doesn't really flow.

The hands picked her up and flung her over his shoulder.

Again, the "ung". I'm sure you could find a better fitting word.

As I said before, a very good introduction. You grasp the pace perfectly and keep the story moving even after it slows down.

Hi there!

He was coming. He was coming.

I think saying this once would suffice. Also is there any way you could write this without the verb "to be"? Maybe "He ran after her" or "He followed her" that way it is active instead of passive, which will make it stronger.

That was when a thrumming filled the air.

Thrumming seems like a really strange word here, since it means the sound of playing a stringed intruder, like a guitar.

This is an interesting beginning but I think it goes too fast and runs right over me. I don't know who she is at all, which can be on hold, but why is this person following her? Where was she before? Is he just chasing her or is there something more? It's a good hook, but it's almost too quick that she falls to the ground and looses consciousness. Try to show us things other than what is happening. What is the setting? Where are they? How does she feel inside? Can you use imagery to further put us in this situation, with all five senses?

I'd also try not to make it so aware of her consciousness. Instead of saying, "She lapsed into unconsciousness." try to make it more figurative. Even the sentence before that about her not being able to hang on suffices to show that she has lost consciousness.

Best of luck! If you have any questions feel free to ask.

Hey there! This was a pretty interesting beginning, and it piqued my curiosity pretty much instantly, which is just about the most important thing a beginning can do. (Also, I like the title—very catchy.)

I think you did a nice job of creating an atmosphere in this piece, and it really does seem, from the way the prose is written—the short sentences and brief paragraphs—that we’re right there with Ellese, feeling her panic, experiencing her suffering. I could connect to and feel sympathy for your main character right away because you did such a good of putting us in her shoes.

I do agree with Suzanne that a bit more imagery, a bit more showing of her emotions, and maybe a little more knowledge of the situation might help make this beginning even better, though. I think this seemed almost a little too brief and rushed for its own good. Maybe, since I get the feeling this scene started in the middle of the chase, it might have a bit more impact if it started earlier in the chase. If that makes any sense. XD I dunno, just a thought.

Also, one small spelling error:

As Ellese sprinted past garbage cans that were sillueted in the moon light, a black figure with a flashlight lunged itself at her.

I believe you mean “silhouetted” rather than “sillueted.” Don’t worry about it, I can’t spell “silhouette” either. I have to rely on Microsoft Word to spell it for me. XD

Sorry this review is so short, since this piece is short, I can’t think of a lot of comments. XD Still, I definitely think this is a strong beginning, and if the rest of this story is as well-written as this, you’re in good shape. This has a lot potential, and I’m interested in reading more. ^_^ Best of luck to you, happy writing!

this is a very good start!

Realizing she was till awake, the man turned her over and began punching her over and over again

I agree with chichi on this. Why would he keep attacking her?

Other than that I thought it was pretty good!

Very interesting to see how the title will fit into this.

Nit-picks:

He was coming. He was coming.

Ye have told us once that hes coming. Add an exclamation mark to the second one, or even better, delete it.

His arm wrapped around her and his shoulder drove squarely into her back.
Ellese was running at such a fast speed that, when she fell, she didn’t have enough time to register that she was falling, let alone catch herself.

So he lets go of her? As soon as I see "his arm wrapped around her" I think he's pulling her against his chest and not allowing her to fall.

The craggy ground tore up her bare arms and ripped and tugged at her thin silk shirt.

I don't like seeing "and"s so close together.

“Hey! Hey! Hey, are you okay?”

"Hey" is used a little too much in this sentence.

and his hands fluttered around her.

I don't think "fluttered" is the word you're looking for....

After a moment, frustrated, he gave up.

How would Ellese know he was frustraited?

Overall: Good! I'm super curious as to how this will turn out and what's going on with everybody. You repeat words a little too often for my liking, but other then that this is an amazing start.

PM me when more is up!

I really liked it. I would like to know more about the man who is chasing her and why this is going on. Is this happening because she is exceptionaly weak, was she tricked, or was is a coincidence? Does this say something about her character?

I like the way you write, nice and fast paced, just descriptive enough.

I hope this helps, I'm new to this site.

I thought this was interesting..like everyone else but that just means it's good. I liked the way the story flowed. From the time she was running to when she was struck with the flashlight...very well done. Like everyone, I too, would like to know a little more background history of this 'shadow figure' and Ellese. I just found it hard to see a reason as to why he was chasing her. Very well done.

Hey there dragnet.

He was coming. He was coming. She had to get away, and as fast as possible.

I can see that your repetition of "He was coming. He was coming" is used as an attempt to create the aural impression of the guy walking to the girl. Personally though, I think you would had been better off actually describing it to immediately hook the reader and allow them to be more immersed with your piece. Your first line doesn't hook at the moment because it's expressed so directly, leaving little for the audience to search for.

As Ellese sprinted past garbage cans that were sillueted in the moon light, a black figure with a flashlight lunged itself at her.

Silhouetted, not sillueted. And maybe it's just me, but how can garbage cans be a silhouette if its in the moonlight?

Ellese knew this was the end.

Nix this. Given the beating that was dealt on Ellese, I think she would be way too dazed to have coherent thoughts in her mind. It would probably be all jumbled.

The man dropped the flashlight, which hit Ellese squarely in the chest before rolling onto the pavement.

Nix "squarely" since you've already used it before.

Overall impressions:

This is quite a solid beginning. I actually kind of enjoyed it. Good work there. It could do with more depth and detail though. Here are some of my thoughts and suggestions on this piece:

1)Show more of the man's pursuit and of the man himself

The man didn't seem all that intimidating for me. There isn't any specific detail as to how the man chased Ellese. Adding more specific detail would be helpful in really convincing us that this guy means business. How did the man walk? Did he stomp? Did he like breath heavily? What did the man look like/dresses up like? How does he talk? Why did he want to chase Ellese? Who is he? It's these details that will bring your killer to life and really make him seem like an intimidating person that's hell-bent on murdering Ellese.

2)Ellese

It's quite hard for me to sympathize with Ellese because I have little idea as to who she is. Your title suggests to me that Ellese is involved in the acting industry in some shape or form, but I never really got that impression. In fact, I'm not entirely sure as to who Ellese is. Therefore, you have to give us subtle hints as to who she is. What doe she dresses up like? Appearance? How does she talk? What does she do? How does she interact with others? What does she feel when she's being chased? Why was she being chased?

3)The setting

Describe the setting more to give the audience a better impression of the place. The time, place and situation of the setting in this piece will help the audience understand the influences that can affect the bearing of Ellese's life. This is also helpful in explaining as to why Ellese is forced to run away from such a mad man or react in the way she does in this piece. I have a feeling that this takes place in the slums of some urbanized city, so why not show more of it? Use the five senses to really create that impression to the audience.

4)Consider wider ramifications of your title

I am quite interested in your title, but sadly, the actual writing itself doesn't reflect it all too well. With an actor, do their works represent the actor in question truly. No, it doesn't. They merely reenact another person's work. One of the themes that I can come up with for having an actor as one of the characters is this: Hiding who you are actually as a person. This could also include hiding one's true emotions and thoughts. Try to apply this theme more between the man and Ellese. For example: They could be in a relationship, but the man is secretly hiding his true feelings from Ellese in order to reap the benefits of Ellese (such as money or sex). But somehow, Ellese found out and so the man has to chase her down in order to stop her from reporting the police or whatever. In a sense, having acting as an occupation could act as an effective extended metaphor of one's will of hiding his/her true feelings/thoughts in order to obtain what they desire. This is also what Suzanne and I meant about having more figurative language in your piece. It's these layers of meaning that can be obtained through the use of figurative language that will help greatly in making your piece memorable to the audience (and hopefully be with them for the rest of their lives).

Overall though it is a decent piece and you should be proud of it. I just felt you could had done a whole lot better with this if you had added more detail and had written it in a way that is not so direct to the reader. If you are hoping to do better with this piece, use more figurative language to give more for the audience to search for, since it helps the audience view a typical situation like that from a totally different light. What you have right now is just a chase scene. It's your job now to add more depth to this.

I wish you good luck and to keep going with this.

Andy.