Young Writers Society

I went through I rough patch a few years back. This is how I felt then, not now. So don't worry about me



I never had somebody
Don’t think I ever will,
So you can have as much of me
As it takes to get your fill.

I met you at a party
You really made me feel:
Like I’d never felt good before
God, tell me this real.

I told my friends how you felt
Like being tickled, by daisies
They yelled at me, they screamed:
Girl, you have gone crazy!

I don’t think you are handsome
I swear you have no face.
But lying on the bathroom floor
I felt no damn disgrace.

Everyone needs an angel
Someone to hold their hand
But if you take me to hell
I will softly understand.


You burnt me like fire,
But you’re cool rain on my grave
You give me back tenfold
The empty life I gave.


I never had somebody,
To fit me like a glove
But we are a perfect match
And you’re my only love.

I like this because it starts out as a cheery poem that might be all love and brightness, but it's actually incredebly dark. Some of the writing is moderate, but I loved these lines:

You burnt me like fire,
But you’re cool rain on my grave

It's a great visual, and the mixture of fire and heat is wonderful and you did it without being cliche at all.

Despite that though it still has some problems. First off you wrote this a while ago you said, so I'm wondering if you edited it at all before posting it? The stuff I wrote two or three years ago certainly isn't as good as what I wrote now, and if I was going to post it I'd have to review it with my current, improved writing skills. That's my first concern regarding this. Have you given it all you've got, now?

The poem its self, like I said, is good because it isn't sappy. You actually focus on something real life, or from my understanding anyway. (It's about abuse, isn't it?) The thing though is that you. You didn't tell everything, but most of it you did. Another problem about this is that it makes it harder for me, your reader, to relate to what you're talking about. I don't feel what you feel, you're just telling me about it. Don't just tell it, share it. This is a hard concept to learn and figure out how to do. The best advice I can give is to read poetry and see it in action. Use things like imagery, sound devices, and other poetic devices to bring the situations and emotions to life.

Another thing I noticed was that, at times your rhyme scheme hindered the poem and forced you in certain directions which didn't seem like the best ones. For example, using the word daisies in stanza three forces you to use the word crazy, and to me it throws off the tone of the poem. Sometimes rhyming isn't the best and free verse is the better choice, so just keep in mind the other option!

Best of luck, and if you have any questions feel free to ask!

I wasn't clear on this: I wrote this in reflection recently on how I felt then. It's a new poem.