Untitled- 420 Words

Well, I got inspired by a book I am reading and got stuck galfway of what I was writing. It is very rough and I hardly read through it so I will not be suprised to find Jiggity or Squall flock here to rip it apart Anyway, here it is.
PS. I thought the first sentence in italic was inspiring, I wrote it on the spot and so I wrote from that


Creeping under the door is a straggling shadow, a keep safe of my memories...

I heard nothing at first but as I recovered from a vulnerable sleep, my ears tuned in on the footsteps that countered sharply with the cold cobblestones. I sat up wearily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes which threatened to overtake me once more.
A sharp jab in the back made me topple over, I squealed in pain as I clutched the spot where I had been hit. I was now sprawled onto my back, staring at two chilled blue eyes. His lurid stare made me turn my gaze onto a mangy cat that was clawing a rubbish bin in the hopes of finding food.
“Get up” I cringed as his wooden stick collided with my chest. I sat up reluctantly, not daring to look into his crazed eyes; instead I gazed thoughtfully at his polished black boots. “I said; get up” he growled.
I stood; my legs wobbly from the lack of exercise they should have received but hadn’t. He grabbed me by the collar and said, “Don’t bother running”. I wouldn’t run, you look like you could run the pants out of a cheetah I thought bemusedly.
He sized me up, scowling at my gruff black hair that sat like a mop on my head. Suddenly, he jumped back in fright, every line of danger in his face ceased and a childish horror stuck fast. “Y-you” he stuttered, scrambling backward, “I-it’s you!” and with that he swept up his walking stick and hobbled as fast as he could manage out of the alley.
I slumped onto the ground once more, sighing blatantly. What had the man been talking about? Why was he so scared? Would he be back? Questions flew through my mind, exiting as fast as they had come.
I peered around, a bin lay on its side, and with the cat I had seen earlier looking proud as it searched through the gunk. Cobblestones lay cracked and uneven under my feet and two walls of stone lines the alley, making the air thick and murky as ever.
As suddenly as the man had come, something sparkling in the morning light caught my eye. I stood up and cringed as I felt the man’s blow on my back throb with a terrible weakness, nevertheless I hobbled over to the object and picked it up.
A shock wave washed over me as the object shook softly and began to emit an eerie magenta glow.

I got inspired by a book I am reading and got stuck galfway of what I was writing.

Halfway

I heard nothing at first but as I recovered from a vulnerable sleep,

Your missing a coma before the "but"

“Get up” I cringed as his wooden stick collided with my chest. I sat up reluctantly, not daring to look into his crazed eyes; instead I gazed thoughtfully at his polished black boots. “I said; get up” he growled.

there should be comas after the end of the dialogues.

I stood; my legs wobbly from the lack of exercise they should have received but hadn’t.

Your missing another coma before the "but"

“Don’t bother running”. I wouldn’t run,

I'm guessing this is just a typo, but you need to take away the first period and add a coma at the end of your dialogue.

you look like you could run the pants out of a cheetah

This should be in quotes only because you said "I thought" afterwards.

OK I liked the detail you have, but I think you kinda rushed through the story and aren't explaining it that great which makes the story a little confusing.

Paragraph by Paragraph:
I'm going to start with questions that come to mind as I'm reading it, grammer and spelling mistakes I noticed & sentences that confused me: (If a paragraph is missing then I have nothing to say about it)

Inksplatter wrote:Creeping under the door is a straggling shadow, a keep safe of my memories...

I like this quote & I agree it is inspiring, but I don't get it... =/

I heard nothing at first but as I recovered from a vulnerable sleep, my ears tuned in on the footsteps that countered sharply with the cold cobblestones. I sat up wearily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes which threatened to overtake me once more.

Q's: What is the setting? A street, my guess is that the main character is sleeping on the street?

A sharp jab in the back made me topple over, I squealed in pain as I clutched the spot where I had been hit. I was now sprawled onto my back, staring at two chilled blue eyes. His lurid stare made me turn my gaze onto a mangy cat that was clawing a rubbish bin in the hopes of finding food.

Stare/staring seems repetitive... try changing "His lurid stare" to "His lurid glare" or something else of that nature.

Synonyms for Stare: beam*, bore*, eagle eye*, eye, eyeball, fix, focus, gawk, gaze, glare, glim, goggle, lay eyes on, look, look fixedly, ogle, peer, rivet, rubberneck*, take in (thesaurus.reference.com)

“Get up” / I cringed as his wooden stick collided with my chest. I sat up reluctantly, not daring to look into his crazed eyes; instead I gazed thoughtfully at his polished black boots. / “I said; get up” he growled.
I stood; my legs wobbly from the lack of exercise they should have received but hadn’t. He grabbed me by the collar and said, “Don’t bother running”. / I wouldn’t run, you look like you could run the pants out of a cheetah I thought bemusedly.

- "/" where paragraphs should be.
- Period after 'up' if it's a quiet command and more of a threat, a "!" if it's a yelling command like what a general in the army would say.
- Change last sentence so something like: 'I wouldn't run,' I thought bemused. 'You look like you could run the pants out of a cheetah(!/.)' Or better yet, change 'I wouldn't run,' to 'I won't,'.

He sized me up, scowling at my gruff black hair that sat like a mop on my head. Suddenly, he jumped back in fright, every line of danger in his face ceased and a childish horror stuck fast. / “Y-you” he stuttered, scrambling backward, “I-it’s you!” and with that he swept up his walking stick and hobbled as fast as he could manage out of the alley.

- I knew it was an Alley! =D
- This spiked my interest, I want to know why the old man is scared of the main character.

I slumped onto the ground once more, sighing blatantly. What had the man been talking about? Why was he so scared? Would he be back? Questions flew through my mind, exiting as fast as they had come.

- I'm pretty sure that the reader has these questions going through their mind as well... (I know they went through mine) so it seems pretty repeatitive. Delete the questions and apply the rule: "show, not tell" here. Rinse and repeat. =]
- And it seems to me that he should be sighing more of relief then to attract notice... ;]

I peered around, a bin lay on its side, and with the cat I had seen earlier looking proud as it searched through the gunk. Cobblestones lay cracked and uneven under my feet and two walls of stone lines the alley, making the air thick and murky as ever.

- I love how you go from an adverage night to something weird going on then back to an adverage night... but (yes, the dreaded but) the going back could use more detail. Especially since there wasn't time for it at the beginning.

As suddenly as the man had come, something sparkling in the morning light caught my eye. I stood up and cringed as I felt the man’s blow on my back throb with a terrible weakness, nevertheless I hobbled over to the object and picked it up.

- See first point for the last paragragh.
- The first sentence doesn't make sense, it's two different, incomplete thoughts - you need to seperate them then re-write them to make sense.
- Pain in the back, in my opinion, doesn't really throb... it's more like a sharp pain. Change to something of this flavor: "I stood up and cringed as I felt a sharp pain from where the man had hit me on the back..."
- I wouldn't say hobbled, well I guess it depends on where he was hit. If he was hit in the lower back, he probably put his hand their as he walked. But for the upper back he probably tried stretching it... umm... moving his shoulders in circles... type of thing..
- add semi-colon after weakness and a comma after nevertheless.

A shock wave washed over me as the object shook softly and began to emit an eerie magenta glow.

- If you mean shock as in electric type shock he probably jumped when he felt it... otherwise you should probably change the wording..
- Now I want to know what the object is... =]

- - -

Random After Thoughts:
- I don't get how the quote fits with the rest of the piece.
- I like a lot of the wording and you character is pretty likeable.
- There needs to be a sense of time, I don't mean day time but what year it is. Cobblestone streets aren't very modern & not used in many cities, so I was confused. Since the MC is in an Alley you can do this by having an old newspaper on the street and describing it or something like that.
- It does spike my interest enough to keep reading but you need to make the character more likeable in later installments.

Overall, it wasn't that bad for not being looked over before hand.

DFTBA
- Stevie

Thank-you!

I'm not going to correct your headnote, although there were a few mistakes in there. Anywho, on we go.

I heard nothing at first but as I recovered from a vulnerable sleep, my ears tuned in on the footsteps that countered sharply with the cold cobblestones.

Woah! Description overload! Tone it down a bit there, buddy! Recovering from sleep is fine, as is footsteps countering the cobblestones. Too many adjectives or adverbs bombardes the reader each and every time. You do this almost every sentence, so I'm not going to point every single one out.

“Get up” I cringed as his wooden stick collided with my chest.

Full stop after "get up", please. If dialogue is followed by an action (as opposed to "they said") it should always be ended with a full stop within the quotation marks.

“I said; get up” he growled.

And when dialogue is followed by a speaking verb, there should be a comma.

He grabbed me by the collar and said, “Don’t bother running”.

Semicolon instead of comma, and the full stop should be within the quotation marks.

I wouldn’t run, you look like you could run the pants out of a cheetah I thought bemusedly.

This sudden switch to first person is confusing. Try using italics or some other form of indication that it is, in fact, a thought.

“Y-you” he stuttered, scrambling backward, “I-it’s you!” and with that he swept up his walking stick and hobbled as fast as he could manage out of the alley.

Comma after dialogue, yadda yadda. The "scrambling backwards" could be moved to after all the dialogue or removed altogether, and when you say "and with that" it makes it sound like he wasn't running in fear, that he planned to hobble away. Unlikely.

The ending is good. Overall this piece is not exceptional, due to your overuse of adjectives and adverbs choking it. This could be a good story, but learn not to make the mistake (that everyone makes) of overdoing the descriptive language.

Hello Inkboy.

I heard nothing at first but as I recovered from a vulnerable sleep, my ears tuned in on the footsteps that countered sharply with the cold cobblestones.

Nix the adjective "vulnerable". Obviously, when someone's sleeping, they would leave themselves vulnerable to attacks right? And what did you meant by "ears tuned in on the footsteps that countered sharply with the cold cobblestones"? I don't think anyone would bother to count their own footsteps.

A sharp jab in the back made me topple over, I squealed in pain as I clutched the spot where I had been hit.

Full-stop, not comma.

“Get up” I cringed as his wooden stick collided with my chest. I sat up reluctantly, not daring to look into his crazed eyes; instead I gazed thoughtfully at his polished black boots. “I said; get up” he growled.

Each new piece of dialogue should start on a new line to make it clearer to the audience as to who's talking.

I stood up and cringed as I felt the man’s blow on my back throb with a terrible weakness, nevertheless I hobbled over to the object and picked it up.

Nix" with a terrible weakness". You do not need it, it has little important. Replace the comma after "weakness" with full-stop.

Overall impressions:

Not much for me to comment on actually. But here are some of my thoughts as I was reading this:

1)The setting

You should describe more of the external surroundings to give the audience a better idea of when and where this is taking place. You only have descriptions of the objects/ events that are taking place in that era, not of the era itself. Describing the setting is vital as it helps the audience understand your society better as well as its characters. Men in medieval times would behave in a totally different manner to that of the modern era. It will help the audience get a better of what's actually happening in this piece. Right now, I'm still trying to see an actual direction to this.

2)Who exactly is the other guy?

Describe the other character more. Who exactly is he? I can assume that he's an old man because you mention the narrator's being whacked by a stick, but you need more for us to picture him. Why not mention how he speaks? Why not describe the clothes he's wearing or his face? And while I'm at it, why would the old man be suddenly afraid like that? He was acting like some tough guy a minute ago, then he's like all scared? I would like to know why.

OK, that's all I have to say. Good luck as you continue this.

Andy.

Inky!

Aloha.

Creeping under the door is a straggling shadow, a keep safe of my memories...

I heard nothing at first but as I recovered from a vulnerable sleep, my ears tuned in on the footsteps that countered sharply with the cold cobblestones. I sat up wearily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes which threatened to overtake me once more.

First off, I have an issue with the use of 'straggling' here; I don't know why specifically, and its probably a personal issue but it really vexed me. I had to read it a dozen times, still not sure why I disapprove of it, but I tentatively suggest using another adjective.

Secondly, the last sentence could do with a revision:

'I sat up wearily, rubbing away the sleep that threatened to overtake me once more.'

And with the cat I had seen earlier looking proud as it searched through the gunk.

junk.

On a general note: why is an old man beating a homeless bum? I was really confused as to why he was being beaten. I thought he was being killed for a second there and that he had been stabbed, but that wasn't the case. Is the old man a rich snob who delights in beating up homeless people? He couldn't have been in the way, surely, after all what would a nobleman be doing in an alleyway?

Status can be easily denoted via clothing so a simple description of the old man's attire can give us a great insight as to what's occuring and why. Otherwise, once you fix the descriptive and grammatical issues outlined by the others, this has some potential. Certainly you have me wondering as to what's going on. Not entirely for the right reasons, but I'm interested nonetheless :p

Also, I assume the protagonist is suffering from memory loss of some kind, given the italicized quote. Hope this helped.

Cheers

Hey there, Inksplatter, I don't think we've met. Let me introduce myself, I'm Stella, and am quite as capable to rip things apart as Jiggity or Squall- and I'm nice as I do it

It's good that you're drawing inspiration, don't be afraid to do so. I get inspired by the randomest things, like an article a friend wrote and Gossip Girl and a book called The Luxe together compelled me to write something I'm working on now- for a contest too. Inspiration is always good, wherever it comes from

And now I'll stop rambling.

I. NITPICKS

a vulnerable sleep,

Indefinite article here doesn't work. Try my or the or something.

“Get up” I cringed

Try:

"Get up."

I cringed...

“I said; get up” he growled.

"I said, get up," he growled.

by the collar and said, “Don’t bother running”. I wouldn’t run, you look like you could run the pants out of a cheetah I thought bemusedly.

by the collar and said, “Don’t bother running.” I wouldn’t run, you look like you could run the pants out of a cheetah, I thought bemusedly.

my gruff black hair

Hair can be gruff?

Okay so...

II. LESS IS MORE

Don't worry about making your language too showy, sometimes it throws your reader off. Especially if you're trying to capture action, throwing in extra adverbs and finding interesting verbs takes away from the immediacy.

Example:

"I immediately gathered myself up off of the freezing cold, stone hard tarmac of the school car park and surveyed my surroundings with alacrity to certify that my attacker had departed."

will seem better as:

"Straight away, I got up off of the cold ground and looked around quickly to make sure that the person who attacked me was gone."

Which one seems better to you? Sometimes it's better to use, easy, familiar language to convey a point than adding in extra details that we don't need to know. Even if it takes a couple more words, they'll merge together.

III. WHERE ARE WE? AND WHAT'S THAT?

Don't assume that the reader can picture whatever you're seeing. What time period is this? Where's the alleyway? Is it day or night? What does the attacker look like? Don't worry about overloading, because you won't. When your MC first sees the man, describe what they see.

IV. CHARACTERIZATION

We know nothing of your main character, nor the personality of their attacker. Tell us more! Characters are the best part of a story for some people.

V. OVERALL

It needs work, but certainly has potential to be very gripping.

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

PS- I wrote this last night, but my Internet was down.