A/N: lol
I coughed, shifting uncomfortably in my cramped position. Dust stirred, but little else. I coughed louder this time, and he snorted, an explosive fart flipping him over. Glaring, I poked him in the gut.
Another hacking grunt and he groaned. He was trying to ignore me, but I wouldn’t have that. “Get up!” I hissed. I didn’t want to wake the dozen or so other knights sprawled around us. They rattled with snores.
The fat king sighed and rolled over, peering at me with bleary eyes. “Whatcha want boy?” He scratched his exposed, hairy gut.
“You’re King Arthur,” I said. Now that he had asked, I wasn’t actually sure. It wasn’t every day you found King Arthur and his sleeping knights in the depths of a nearby hill.
He stared at me as one pudgy, hefty eyebrow struggled its way upward.
“I mean…ah,” I said, arms flailing, “Shouldn’t you be, you know, saving the world or something? Out there, you know?” I indicated the open, double doors into which, streams of murky light shone. It was pretty damn obvious, come to think of it – why hadn’t anyone else found it?
“Urgh,” King Arthur said, rolling over. “Sod off, would ya kid.”
I gaped at his hairy buttocks, slyly glancing at me over the rim of his pants. I looked away – all in all, a most unsatisfactory visit. The table – in the middle of the hall - wasn’t even round, it was more a weird oval shape. Whatever else Merlin claimed to be, he was a shitty carpenter. Well, I wasn’t going to leave so easily, it had been mildly difficult to get here after all. I poked him again. “Oy! You’re meant to sleep until we need you again, you great fat sod. Get up!”
“Ye gods boy, leave me alone! If I had to get up every time the world needed me, I’d never get any sleep!” He yawned, drifting off on a string of nonsense.
“Don’t bother, kid, I stopped trying ages ago,” a voice wheezed. I turned in the direction of the noise, seeing an ancient, moulding rooster on a perch. I boggled at the sight – where the hell had it come from?! “Observe.”
The rooster cocked its head and began to wail wildly, in a rhythm not unlike a police siren. “Emergency! Emergency! Awaken, Knights, the world has need! Paolini dares to write again and he must be stopped!”
King Arthur rolled over, face red and furious. “Damn your useless bollocks, Merlin, I put you on mute!”
“And I told you, there’s no such thing you blasted oaf!”
“Just like ‘there’s no such thing as a love potion’ – you charlatan.”
Merlin snorted. “It’s not my fault you can’t get a woman.”
They glared at each in mutual spite, hunched rooster facing obese king.
“Ah, what about the world? You know, in dire need and everything?”
“Oh, sod off would you,” they said in unison.
“Yeah, go to Obama with your issues, bitch,” King Arthur added.
**
This is pretty bad, lol. I like my random parodies to be a bit longer and er, funnier XD
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