The Afterlife Phenomenon (Preview)

It didn't really grip me to read more. You need to start off with something different. Use something that will grip everyone.

Luke

Thanks for the read Luke! Every point of view is very appreciated. I iwll learn from it for my next book.

Well I for one, really liked it. The characters are already developing well, although I do find it hard to see the mother as an actual person, but as you stated before, it's part of the plotline.

Speaking of the plot line, it's interesting. It's not a love at first sight plot line (Matthew Reilly), but it's not at all bad, it's actually quite good.

But what I like about it most is it's engaging me, and making me want to know what's happening next.

You do use some words in excess (angry, stomped/stomping), however it's barley noticeable in your style of writing.

And another thing I love is how Aspasia (the name) contrasts with the names of people around her (Nina).

Also congratulations on getting the book published, great achievement.

And if I see it in the bookstore I'm definitely buying it

Hey Scarecrow, awesome feedback. Much appreciated. I love how it interests you a lot. Every chapter ends with a cliffhanger, at least that's what I tried to do. (lol)
As for the names, I'm suprised you noticed that. Also, my books are known to tell a lesson of some kind. I ask my readers after reading it; "do you see what the lesson is in this story?"

hehe. But it's my secret, I'm not giving it away just yet.

Hmm I'm gona have to persuade my parents to let me buy it off lulu or amazon.

And did you say books? You mean there's more? Gimme, gimme gimme.

Haha, good luck on that. I don't see why parents are cautious about online shopping anyway, PayPal is very safe.

Oh yeah, there's more. But currently unpublished. Wait until you hear about it. It's a fave among the selected few who read the proofcopy.

Hmm I see 2 solutions:

1. Beg and beg till you give in.
2. Invent a mind reading device and read your mind.

Both have great odds of success

Haha. Gotta do better than that. XD
I can read your mind though.
*hummmmm* You are thinking... about, that it sucks winter break has ended.

LOL, I live in Australia, so it's summer break. Plus it's still got another month to go xD.

Wow, I was way off then. lol. Lucky you!

No not lucky me, lucky me would be me holding The Afterlife Phenomenon or your other book saying, oh so thats how it goes. Cause right now I'm doing my head in thinking about it, and I have next to no hope of reading it till I get ym own credit card.

Hmm that was a nice rant

Haha. Oh boy, don't be dreaming about it now, you hear? XD No but really, I think you're one of the book's biggest fans.

I thought this was pretty good, although, I wasn't too into it until the mom went crazy when she brought her friend home. After that I was pretty interested in what was to happen next.

The only real tip I have for you is to use more description. I mostly mean describe what people look like more, the colors and textures of a few things, etc.
As an example for places you could use more description...

She grabbed my hair with one hand, pulling it hard to the side, and with her other she pushed me back down on the bed, roughly slamming the side of my face into its surface. Then, she released my hair and grabbed my wrist, twisting it behind my back.
“Ouch!” I cried, “You’re hurting me!”

First off, as a tip, your word choice can greatly change the picture formed in someone's head when you're describing something. In this case, where you said, "roughly slamming the side of my face into its surface", My mind, even though the previous sentence makes it known as a bed, presented a picture of her face getting slammed into something hard, like wood, maybe even the bed's wooden support or something. Surface is just too vague when you could use a much more descriptive word such as "mattress" or "sheets". Another word you should change would probably be "slamming". I'm not sure why, but when I hear of someone slamming something into something, the surface is usually hard... Although this one may just be me. Maybe you could use "mashing" or something else that better fits the cushiony mattress.
One last thing to help your descriptions with spots such as this. You should describe what she's feeling at this point pain-wise. You did a good job with the "Ouch!" I cried, "You're hurting me!" because you described the pain of her wrist successfully. We can gather that pain through her dialogue. But while you're feeling descriptive, why not describe the bed's sheets being ruff against her cheek as her face is pressed into it? Simple, few worded sentences can make a huge difference. Heck, you can combine it with a sentence if you want to.

Overall this was good. Although it's not a huge necessity, I really think that this story could do better with that little extra description that I've talked about above. Just little tidbits here and there that draw the reader into the experience that is your novel.

Oh, as a side note, I thought the mother could have had a better effect on the reader if she wasn't just some crazy lady that was always screaming her head off. So far all her dialogue has been yelling, and I think it would be better if you gave her times of contrast where she seems normal and nice. For example, instead of her going crazy the moment the main character walks in with her friend, you could have her act pleasant around the friend with an ominous undertone that's hinted through glances and such at her daughter. Then she can use that excuse that the friend's mom had called to get rid of her before she flips her lid again. That way it will be partly more suspenseful, leaving the reader truly wondering what this woman will do next. If she's yelling all the time there is no growing tension.

Okay that's everything. I enjoyed the read and good luck with selling your book.