Young Writers Society

Forgotten

Snuggled in grasses
Tickled by weather
Her writing is fading
As if carved by a feather
Her corners are rounded
Like shoulders gone weary
Years added grayness
Perpetually bleary
Her grave is so natural
Unobtrusive and soft
Unnoticed in its stillness
By passerby’s of’t
The long deceased girl
Forgotten is her life
Her talent and accomplishment
And victory o’er strife
The things that made her proud
Singular, unique
Are trapped beneath a gravestone
Entombed by posterity weak

Hey there Nickelodeon!

This was good! I liked it! The lines were short and simple, nothing too overdone here. I think somethings could be tweaked a little, but I think it's good as it is. Your use of big words here did not dominate the simplistic feeling of the poem-- well done.

There were some lines here that I didn't quite agree with, but, the fact that this is posted under "other poetry" and isn't attributed to any specific genre, allows it to stay.

I'd love to see more of your poetry. Good work! Keep it up!

xxJune

Not bad at all! A suggestion: as you wrote in rhyming line groups of 4, you might want to make them seperate stanzas?

As if carved by a feather

Feathers can't carve, but before I get attacked for repressing your poetic liscence I would just like to say that this rhyme is a bit cut-corners.

By passerby’s of’t

Oooh, very clever, very clever... although that is kind of cheating for a rhyme because I haven't actually heard "of't" before.

Entombed by posterity weak

Swap the words around - it may not make sense, but instant rhyme!

I get that making rhymes is hard, but perhaps you would like to experiment with non-rhyming poems? The rhymes here are a little forced, a little "this is all I could think of". Overall: good job!

My biggest complaint would be the utter lack of punctuation. Some poetry can survive without, but I think this would do much better with.

The above reviewer said feathers can't carve, but I do understand that line. ^^ It's a reference to feather pens, isn't it? I adore that because it gives a date to who you're speaking about and makes it feel so nice and ancient.

Entombed by posterity weak

I would say this line bothers me more than anything. I know it rhymes, and really the grammar of it has nothing wrong, and I do adore things when they're kind of screwed up like that, but it still looks a little weird. If you can come up with a line that still rhymes and works better, then I suggest you use it, but if you can't there is no harm in leaving this line as is.

I love the poem, and like I said I think I'll love it more once punctuated. I like how it pulls up the idea that writing makes one remembered forever, and it brings one down to earth with the reality that no one will know or care who you are. The fact that you're speaking about the girl through her grave is also beautiful. I think you can come up with a much better and more poetic title than "forgotten" however. Give it some more power! Titles should be the first thing to pull your reader in, and based on this title, I did not expect a poem so wonderful as this.

Best of luck! If you have any questions feel free to ask me.

I love rhyming and you rhyme brilliantly. I loved how your poem was vague at the start then clearer at the end. It makes you think for a while then clears up the confusion. I didn't get that the writer was dead at the beginning. Or maybe I'm just slow. Anyway, it was lovely.