This poem has been taken down as it now appears in yours truly's anthology, "Public Spaces, Private Reflections." If you would like a copy, please contact me!
Last edited by Gahks on Tue Aug 11, 2009 3:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." William Faulkner.
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Hi there! I'm Dark Angel, and I'll be critiquing your poem today. ^^
For starters, this is a wonderful piece of work! It left me speechless at the end, just sitting here in front of my computer screen in total awe. I almost melted. Great job!
I know most on this site would probably suggest making the lines the same length, but I think it's lovely as it is. Not all poetry needs to be in a perfect order. I'll do a little nitpicking here though, just to make this a helpful review. Hope it does help.
Only the crash of waterfalls illuminates each other’s presence.
I don't think this needs a period; the next line fits just fine without it.
The world turns inside out with the carelessness of neon lights and scarlet cocktail symphonies.
Awesome. Just plain awesome.
summer slumber no longer beckons.
This line sounds a little off to me. Possibly rewrite: "Summer slumber beckons no longer."
Overall, wonderful work! 10/10, I'd say - one of the best poems I've seen here so far. Cheers to you!
~Dark Angel
♥Your tears don't fall,
they crash around me,
her conscience calls
the guilty to come home...♥
~Tears Don't Fall, Bullet for My Valentine
As the moon melts away <Are you sure you want to say 'melts'? It directly conflicts with your next line>
the last drop of day’s heat,
summer slumber no longer beckons. <Love it up until 'beckons.' Use another word>
The world turns inside out
with the carelessness of neon lights <Nice>
and scarlet cocktail symphonies. <Interesting>
Amid the routine turmoil, <Hmmm ....>
we dissolve into the dark,
rolling, tumbling, <Like this!>
spitting specks of dust <Huh?>
over a slopped-on palette of clothes.
Only the crash of waterfalls <What?>
illuminates each other’s presence.
We could spend forever here <Awe!>
locked in mists of passion
that melt our bodies, <'Melt' works well here>
as the moon passes over us,
smiles, laughs. <Weak>
I like this poem a lot! Though, the title is somewhat detached. I like the imagery of heat since I'm assuming this is summer fading into fall, but at times it conflicts with the 'coolness' of night. If you re-edit this, send me a PM! I'd love to see what you change!
This poem was very effective in the way that it was slightly abstract, yet objective. I particularly like the fifth line, as it implied modernity's relation to what I found to be a natural "Awakening." Because of the poem's abstractness, the title is fitting and really sets the stage for the actual notion of the word to be concentrated on. My only real criticism is the amount of commas used. Even though it may be grammatically incorrect, there are places here where I feel as if it could read easier:
"we dissolve into the dark,
rolling, tumbling,"
perhaps remove the one after "dark?" I'm not sure, reading it a third time, it doesn't seem to be as noticeable, but initially, it causes a pause in the emotion..
"that melt our bodies,
as the moon passes over us,"
I think the comma after "bodies" should be gotten rid of. Just a suggestion.
Overall, I feel as if this were a decent description of an "Awakening." Ha, I can't seem to get away for the title.
As the moon melts away the last drop of day’s heat, summer slumber no longer beckons.
This is great imagery, and a nice start.
The world turns inside out with the carelessness of neon lights and scarlet cocktail symphonies.
Again, nice imagery, the second line gives me the image of someone turning the sky around in their hands, examining it.
In fact, I love the imagery throughout this - it's great. However, here:
locked in mists of passion that melt our bodies,
I think either passion or melt should have an s on the end for it to make sense...but then again, mists is a plural, so now I'm not sure. Hmm.
Also, the last line of the poem is good, but I would like to see it altered ever so slightly to make it sound slower - a full stop after "smiles", and then "laughs" as a new sentence, perhaps.
I adore the imagery you have in this poetry. It is so beautiful and spot on. My problem with this poem, however, is that I don't know what all the imagery is talking about as a whole. You say, "We could spend forever here." Who is we, and where is here? I mean, I know the description of here, but I feel like it is representing something more or at least it has more of a name than "here", like it is a time (summer?) or an actual physical place, or maybe an emotional state. I'd really like these questions answered because even though the imagery is beautiful, I don't feel like it adds up to anything and that ruins it. It sounds beautiful - but what is its purpose? What should I feel, think? It doesn't really affect me and I'm not certain it has a meaning... and not everything needs meaning, but I think this at least needs a little something more.
I do loooove the imagery though. I like the idea of the moon melting heat, it's so perfect. Keep it up! If you have any questions feel free to ask.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.” ― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
I like the meaning behind the words here. It creates an image and the beginning is very hooking. This is something very believable. But I'm not sure if the title is very fitting. You might want to change that
-Shina
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.
The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.
That's just what translation is, I think. That's all speaking is. Listening to the other and trying to see past your own biases to glimpse what they're trying to say. Showing yourself to the world, and hoping someone else understands. — Ramy (Babel by R. F. Kuang)
