What Real Vampires Would Do

Poppy Mare, I must say, your title caught my attention right away

I looked up from the book and glared at Ben, who interrupted my “personal time.” I held up the book to show him the title of the book; Twilight.

You use "book" in both sentences. I would use "novel" or something else for the other just so it isn't so repetitive.

Ben shrugged and sat beside me on the bench, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

Add "me" where I did above ^^^ =]

“That’s because you’re not,” Ben laughed and put his hands in front of his face as I leapt up. Before I could maul him, he quickly added, “You’re above them. You’re a goddess!!”


I grinned at that. A goddess, huh?

Good cover, Ben! lol Loved this part. Typical boys trying to escape from a mauling hehe

“Didn’t you already read that book, anyways?” Ben asked, as he took the book from my hands and flipped through the pages.

Again, use something other than book in the close sentence proximity. I think using "novel" for the second one would work great ^_^

We were nothing more than partners in crime, making jokes out of one another. Then one day I said, “Hey, let’s go out, just to see the reaction on their faces.” I was referring to our group of friends. They often said we were the most incompatible couple.

Go into more detail here. You just kind of brush over this and it gets kind of rushed. Slow it down just a tad.

“Uh-huh.” He grinned widely and, for the first time in a while, I noticed his abnormally large fangs. “Cause you know what real Vampires would do in relationships.”

Oh, great! That was so cool. However, I think that last line kind of confuses me... I'm not sure what he means by that... because they are together and he is acting normal or what? Sorry, I guess I kind of ruined the ending for myself

~ ~ ~ ~

All right, very cute. I would have never thought of writing that and I give such credit for switching it up like that

My only concern was the pace. Too quick for me, but not by much. I mean, this is supposed to be a stand-alone piece and you don't want it too long, but adding just a tad bit more detail would definitely help.

Otherwise, wonderful work I think a gold star is in order... =]

WOW! I so didn't expect that! I have a friend named ben, and he's a big goof ball. So i imagined ben like that. WOW! Total surprise when I found out that Ben was a vamp. I thought it would be a couple of posts about how she really meets an Edward, like, just like the real one, and they fall in love and stuff. That was so good. You have got a talent, or you just ahd a really good idea. Either way, your good at this, kid, and you should so keep writing. Who knows? You may be the ne J.K. Rowling or Stephenie Myers. Oh. Did you write that because you don't like Twilight? My mom hates it, but she loves the movie and the sound track.

Oh no. I'm rambeling! I tend to do that sometime, espesially about Twilight. I remember once--oh no! I'm doing it again!

Anyway, just PM me when you see this. I want to know if your a Twilighter or an Anti-Twilighter.

Cheers.

Hey there, poppy! I'm Sarah and I'll be your reviewer for today.

Ben shrugged and sat beside on the bench,

Insert 'me' after 'beside.'

“Cause you know what real Vampires would do in relationships.”

This makes relatively no sense. Furthermore, there's no need for Vampires to be capitalised.

Overall Comments

As a simple fan fiction, this just about cuts muster with me. But as a proper story that you're serious about, not really. For one, the characters weren't 3-d. There was nothing to empathise with. There are several steps to developing a persona and carrying that persona through at an event. The best personae do not spring fully realized from your brain. They are generally little sparks or funny ideas that pop out at the oddest moments and are then developed over long periods of time, like children who are born, then grow and learn. As your character develops, you will find yourself staying more in character at events and you will purchase clothes and props for the character. (My character even goes shopping with me.)

We use it everyday. It is the basis of most human communication. It is language. And when we write fiction, it’s called dialogue. Dialogue can make or break a piece.
Whether you use only one line of dialogue or a majority of dialogue, if it doesn’t fit your character, if it’s n
ot clear, if it’s not plausible, the entire piece can fall apart.

Writing dialogue can be daunting, though we all speak most everyday. But, when writing dialogue, we aren’t writing what we would say, but our characters. Through a few relatively easy exercises, realistic dialogue will only be a keyboard away. As long as we always remember that dialogue is central to characterization, plot, and interest, we can take the apprehension out of writing dialogue.

One of the most important and best things you can do when writing dialogue is to first read your dialogue ALOUD. If you are not reading your dialogue (or your whole piece, both dialogue and non-dialogue) aloud to yourself, you are not giving your work a chance. To read aloud you create a detachment between your mind and the work. You’re able to edit with a little less bias. You hear what the reader reads. Sometimes, you read your own work with a skimming eye. After all, you wrote it; you know what’s there. But, when you allow yourself to voice the words, you just may find some clunky phrase that just doesn’t fit; that will make the reader go “what?” and lose their train of thought, lose their interest in the story. By reading aloud you can fix those phrases and work them out so the piece becomes a continuous whole.

Okay, I'll stop rambling now.

Good luck!

-Sarah

@_@;; [ish shocked at the number of reviews] xD; Thank you everyone for taking you time to read my story! I really didn't expect this many reviews. But each of them really helped me spot the flaws in my story. Now I want to go back and edit it like crazy. e.e I shall re-work on it now! D<

Thank you again,

-Poppy

Hey, I'm kind of a sucky critique, but I'll give it a go!

So I enjoyed it, it was funny and a good read. I personally thought the dialogue was a smidge unrealistic, but I'm a bad person to ask because a) I don't hang around people who act like this and b) I read WAY too many books written more than a hundred years ago. It was still good though!

Descriptions weren't 100%. I was kind of lost, where are they? Why is there a bench? Are they in a park? Are they at school? Does Sam just happen to have a bench in her living room? Lol.

So, to finish, you know, good characters, fun read, yeah! woot.

I absolutely loved the title for this one, it drew me in from the Featured Stories even though I try to stay away from the vampire stuff until Twilight dies down. But, it got me curious, about what real vampires would do.

Of course, most of the stuff has been pointed out by all of the previous reviewers, but I'll give it my opinion anyway. I do like these characters, although I do think that they could use some more depth to them. If this is a short story, then we should get a real good glimpse of these characters.

Ben was there and he said, “Really? Me too. Let’s go out.”

I know that this has been pointed out before, but I really don't like this line. He's basically saying that he sucks and that they should go out. If I heard that, then I would think that they were joking when they went out together. Of course, if he asked her out because he didn't like the book, or if she brushed him off until he tried again, I think it would work. But, I still can't get over the fact that his big 'go out with me' line was 'I suck, let's go out.'

He even let me in on a little secret…

I love how this line blends into the other paragraph, I didn't even notice it until I started really looking at this story to critique it. I think that this sentence could use a bit of work, though, maybe something like: 'He even let me in on a little secret of his.' I'm of two minds about the word 'little,' because I like how she dismisses Vampires as 'little,' but I also don't really like that word in this sentence. Maybe a synonym, or maybe just leave it out.

I’m not saying I love the guy. I mean, come on! I’m just seventeen.

I do like this line, because I like how Romance isn't the 'One True Love' as soon as they meet. Although, even though I haven't read Twilight, I can tell that this is a part of bashing it. I think that this part could use a bit of detail so that it reads less like a blatant bashing.

“Cause you know what real Vampires would do in relationships.”

And, again, I have to agree with some of the other reviewers, this line kind of needs an answer. I mean, Sam might know what real vampires do in a relationship, but the readers don't. I do love this line, and how it reflects back to the title. I just think that maybe Sam should have one last line, or else make Ben's line where he repeats the question that she missed in the flashback really stand out. Because, I didn't notice that it was an answer to "I know why you don't like Twilight."

I did love the originally to this, although it was also tied to parodying Twilight. But, this was a great moment in time, and I'm sure that your rewrite will help to make this short story really stand out in our minds as a story from beginning to end. And then we'll still probably ask for more.

Um, okay, I'm totally stupid. I don't understand the last line. Will someone please explain?