Young Writers Society

In a year.

The world
My world
Is rocked back and forth.

Death approaches closer
For a friend of mine
But which one?
Is that the point?
Will it not cease?
Maybe,
Next year.

This year.
I’ve made a friend.
I’ve had a laugh.
I’ve questioned.
I’ve cried.
I’ve rejoiced.

History has been made.
My heart has sung out.
A summer has come and gone.

Yet what have I contracted?
A case of laziness.
A case of foolishness.
A case of laughter.
A case of love.
A case of hope.

In a year.

salsashanno wrote:In a year.

The world
My world If you say "the" world you can't say that this is your world... Or put a comma..
Is rocked back and forth. World---forth--->not a rhyme.

Death approaches closer
For a friend of mine
But which one? Why did you even mention it if you don't know? Now the whole poem doesn't have a prime objective/ idea / purpose...
Is that the point?
Will it not cease until we can value our lives? This is way too long and it ruins the rhythm which it already had been disbalanced.
Maybe,
Next year. Next year what? The aliens will come???

This year:
I’ve made a friend,
I’ve had a laugh.
I’ve questioned,
I’ve cried.
[s]I’ve rejoiced.[/s]

History has been made.
My heart has sung out.
A summer has come and gone. And so what?

Yet what have I contracted?
A case of laziness.
A case of foolishness.
A case of laughter.
A case of love.
A case of hope.

[s]In a year.[/s]

You have gone too far from a subject. Your point of all this isn't mentioned or you didn't make it clear enough. When you wrote a title, take a look at it and on a paper just write all ideas and association. Then put those words in verses so they have some sense. By the way, read the poem loud when you finish it and then you'll see if rhythm is good or not...

I like this work. It is thought-provoking.

The world
My world
Is rocked back and forth. (I like this line. It works well with the rest of the poem, suggesting a kind of balance which, I think, seems to be your point.)

Death approaches closer
For a friend of mine
But which one?
Is that the point? (This line is a bit unclear, but I like the idea behind it.)
Will it not cease until we can value our lives?
Maybe,
Next year. (I love the rhythm of these last two lines. I think it is a great way to end these three rhetorical questions.)

This year.
I’ve made a friend.
I’ve had a laugh.
I’ve questioned.
I’ve cried.
I’ve rejoiced. (The last three lines seem more serious than the first two. Perhaps "I've shed a tear" would fit better than "I've cried"?)

History has been made.
My heart has sung out.
A summer has come and gone. (I like this stanza. The change in length is good for emphasis)

Yet what have I contracted? (I love the idea of this stanza, but I think this line is a little confusing. Is there a better way to say it while keeping the same feel?)
A case of laziness.
A case of foolishness.
A case of laughter.
A case of love.
A case of hope.

I like this. Keep writing!

darko.demark666 wrote:

salsashanno wrote:In a year.

The world
My world If you say "the" world you can't say that this is your world... Or put a comma..
Is rocked back and forth. World---forth--->not a rhyme.

Death approaches closer
For a friend of mine
But which one? Why did you even mention it if you don't know? Now the whole poem doesn't have a prime objective/ idea / purpose...
Is that the point?
Will it not cease until we can value our lives? This is way too long and it ruins the rhythm which it already had been disbalanced.
Maybe,
Next year. Next year what? The aliens will come???

This year:
I’ve made a friend,
I’ve had a laugh.
I’ve questioned,
I’ve cried.
[s]I’ve rejoiced.[/s]

History has been made.
My heart has sung out.
A summer has come and gone. And so what?

Yet what have I contracted?
A case of laziness.
A case of foolishness.
A case of laughter.
A case of love.
A case of hope.

[s]In a year.[/s]

You have gone too far from a subject. Your point of all this isn't mentioned or you didn't make it clear enough. When you wrote a title, take a look at it and on a paper just write all ideas and association. Then put those words in verses so they have some sense. By the way, read the poem loud when you finish it and then you'll see if rhythm is good or not...

I appreciate your review, I'm going to rework a few things (I don't usually do much proofreading before throwing things on here, I just write it up, read it through and then come back later with a pair of fresh eyes), but I think I'm going to keep it a lot how it is. Each line means something for me and that's what I was going for, I think I'll be fairly happy once I've done some tweeking. Thanks, though.

nixonblitzen wrote:I like this work. It is thought-provoking.

The world
My world
Is rocked back and forth. (I like this line. It works well with the rest of the poem, suggesting a kind of balance which, I think, seems to be your point.)

Death approaches closer
For a friend of mine
But which one?
Is that the point? (This line is a bit unclear, but I like the idea behind it.)
Will it not cease until we can value our lives?
Maybe,
Next year. (I love the rhythm of these last two lines. I think it is a great way to end these three rhetorical questions.)

This year.
I’ve made a friend.
I’ve had a laugh.
I’ve questioned.
I’ve cried.
I’ve rejoiced. (The last three lines seem more serious than the first two. Perhaps "I've shed a tear" would fit better than "I've cried"?)

History has been made.
My heart has sung out.
A summer has come and gone. (I like this stanza. The change in length is good for emphasis)

Yet what have I contracted? (I love the idea of this stanza, but I think this line is a little confusing. Is there a better way to say it while keeping the same feel?)
A case of laziness.
A case of foolishness.
A case of laughter.
A case of love.
A case of hope.

I like this. Keep writing!

Thanks! I've still got a lot of work to do with this...

I really love the mood of this poem because it is so honest and easy to relate to. A year goes by - and we feel like nothing has happened. For that reason, I adore this poem because everyone knows that feeling.

However, I think you could show the feeling a lot better. Telling isn't horrible for this poem, but it gets a bit slow reading sentences that all have the same style. On one hand, I like this because it shows the empty laziness of the mood, on the other I want something more artistic and beautiful! I think more than anything I just want to peal this poem to perfection. The language and style choice reflects the idea, but (and this isn't something I can exactly do for you) is every word, every line necessary? Perhaps you should make a second draft and shine it up. Make your language forward the theme more, and clean it up. For example, I hate rhetorical questions a lot. This is my opinion, but I feel that statements are stronger and therefore sound better in poetry.

Death approaches closer
For a friend of mine
But which one?
Is that the point?
Will it not cease until we can value our lives?
Maybe,
Next year.

Maybe because this is the question stanza, or something else. It might be the "death approaches closer" idea. It's sort of over used, though so true. "Every day we die a little" but you speak about your friend - maybe if the speaker spoke about himself, made it sort of personal and sad that they were dying, but at the same time they don't care enough to care about it. This is just my thought. ^^

At first I read this poem and I didn't like it, but as I've state above, I started to see that it worked really well to reflect the idea!

Greetings!

I quite like this, but some of the lines disrupted the rhythm and made at a little difficult to read. What about, "Will it not cease?" on it's own?
Also, I felt quite questioned whilst reading this. I'm not sure if you meant for the poem to be like this, but it wouldn't hurt to be a little more specific when writing things.
Apart from these things, it was a nice little poem that I did enjoy reading. Well done!

Keep writing!

-Moo

salsashanno wrote:In a year.

The world
My world
Is rocked back and forth.

Death approaches closer
For a friend of mine
But which one?
Is that the point?
Will it not cease?
Maybe,
Next year.

This year.
I’ve made a friend.
I’ve had a laugh.
I’ve questioned.
I’ve cried.
I’ve rejoiced.

History has been made.
My heart has sung out.
A summer has come and gone.

Yet what have I contracted?
A case of laziness.
A case of foolishness.
A case of laughter.
A case of love.
A case of hope.

In a year.

I liked this poem, especially the lines in bold. I hope I interpreted the message correctly. Were you trying to say that the future doesn't matter as long as you live the present? Tell me if I'm wrong, I'd like to know.

wow this is really good

i just have one thing to tell you:

in the third line of the first stanza, you might want to change it to "Has rocked back in forth" but that's all i need to tell you

basically, your second attempt at poetry is amazing. so totally keep writing!!!

I think this is really interesting=]
Very cool.
I think it has a nice flow.
The part that says

"Death approaches closer

For a friend of mine

But which one?

Is that the point?

Will it not cease?

Maybe,

Next year."

I didn't really get it, but maybe that's just me=P