Me

tired no chance of sleep

wired so that I cant weep

confused the words tumbling in my head

anger this life is full of dread

hope that I can see tommorrow

life is filled with such sorrow

(Hey there Evanrith! I'm June and I'm going to review your poem =) )

evanrith wrote:
(Okay, to be honest, when I clicked this poem, I thought it would be something a little bit more... personal, like written in first person using "I". )

tired no chance of sleep (consider putting a break; so that tired is on its own line; continue in this way throughout the poem. )

wired so that I cant weep

confused the words tumbling in my head

anger this life is full of dread

hope that I can see tommorrow (should be "tomorrow")

life is filled with such sorrow

(I'll give this a 2/10 because it was a bit... flat. No offense! And that's not entirely a bad thing! There was nothing exciting to this. You just give us what is there. You should expand on each line; you can tell us so much. Why is he wired so that he can't weep? Why is he confused? If this is about you life, dear, you need to tell the reader something more .

So, I say, that this is a good beginning for a poem .

Keep writing and welcome to YWS!


June)

Welcome to the YWS.

evanrith wrote:tired no chance of sleep

wired so that I cant weep

confused the words tumbling in my head

anger this life is full of dread

hope that I can see tomorrow

life is filled with such sorrow

Let's get rocking...
1. The whole schema is a good idea. You tried to do something different, but when you try such a thing you have to put some effort in it. I know from my mistakes...
2. Why did you even put those breaks? I can't see the meaning of them. Although they are separating strong words from the rest of the verse. You could write only those words and "upgrade" them with some verbs and adjectives. This leads to another question of quality of this poem...sorry
3. I'll tell you about "no chance of sleep(btw, the title isn't my favorite too)". Sometimes I stay awake all night long 'cause I can't sleep. I tried everything(psychiatrists, medics, milk, alcohol, even drugs) but I'm still very insecure when going to bed. So if you have such a problem I understand you. If you're saying that life is sorrow just to fit with others you really aren't wright...
4. Rhythm&rhyme- disaster. Try to make a rhyme through the whole poem cause this looks so forced(especially the AA,BB,CC,DD...). If you don't like rhyme, don't "abuse" her.
5. This was a critique. Poem doesn't work out every time but the most important thing I have to say to you is: DON'T GIVE UP...

I liked the general format of the poem. It was easy to read, flowed nicely.

I agree it could use some work though, mostly in that it doesn't seem to say anything substantial. Or to better phrase it, you seem to say important things, but they're fleeting and scattered, so that they don't have such a significant effect. Expand more on each idea, and this poem definitely has possibilities.

Hello!
I'm Tamara.
I was interested by your username so I thought I'd do some reviews for you.

tired no chance of sleep good hook



wired so that I cant weep I really loved the use of the word wired but I felt the rhyming was strained here with the word weep. This is the ONLY point in the poem I didn't like the rhyme.



confused the words tumbling in my head



anger this life is full of dread



hope that I can see tommorrow



life is filled with such sorrow

Overall, a really good piece in my opinion because of the way you formatted it, it was unusual, fresh and unexpected. I enjoyed it so much and I look forward to reviewing more for you. The little things I poined out are hints to you, my advice. I don't think you should say this all there is to you, because I sense so much more.

Please feel free to contact me for everything.
Thanks so much for posting this!

My first impression of this is that it is too scattered to be very interesting. You give us some good adjectives with the first words but then fail to expand upon them. On top of that, you use a rhyme scheme that makes the poem feel rather silly, which I don't think is the effect you were going for.

However, that doesn't mean the idea behind this is bad, just too broad to write a decent poem about. "Me" is a very complex topic, with lots of different potential directions. I think it would be better to take one of your first words and expand it into an entire poem. This has more potential to be unique and interesting.

Keep writing!