Forget It. (edited and revised)

I added a couple things and changed mom to sis. Is it better or worse? Should I continue? Enjoy!



Chapter One

The front door slammed shut as I walked to the kitchen.
"Livy?" My sister called. Oh my gosh. Mom was serious about Daniella coming. I knew all about her, that stupid bitch! She slept with some high school senior a when she was a freshman (I was a sixth grader) and got pregnant. Then she aborted, thinking no one would ever find out. Unfortunately, mom did, and they've been real tense ever sense. That doesn't sound like much, but in her confession, she let it slip that all the other kids were doing it, and I had been ruining her rep. I found out about that two years ago. That really effected my life.
"Hey! Didn't expect you here..." I said.
"Well. I came anyway, How was your day?"
I looked through the mail. "It was-uh-" I beamed as I saw the name on one of my letters. Putting it down close to her hand and looking up, I smiled. "Great. Just perfect." She grinned back at me.
"Good. I found this great restaurant. Have you heard of The Fritz?" I shook my head. "Well it's one of the new places here! It's supposed to be good, and it's only about, 25 miles away." I nodded, not really caring.
"That's great Daniella! Well I must do my homework. My grades are my top priority, you know..." I lied smoothly.
"Let me have a look at you. I haven't seen you in ages." What? She couldn't see now? I thought. She put on her glasses and turned around. She took a step back. I copied.
"Well..." She cleared her throat. Now, I didn't blame her for being taken aback. My appearance was a little confusing. The first place she looked was my face. My dark, deep, brooding green eyes completely out lined with black mascara, eyeliner, and shadow. My tanned skin. My soft cheeks. My freckled nose. My curled brown hair. She moved down to my curved hips and my black TAKE A PICTURE, IT WILL LAST LONGER tee. Her spectating eyes went to my navy skinny jeans and converse. Daniella looked back up. Her observation was finished. She moved closer.
"Skater girl, huh?" I rolled my eyes. "You'd be gorgeous if you were just a little more, uh," She stuttered.
"Like everyone else?" I asked angrily. "As I said, I have to do my homework." I stormed into the living room, stopped, went back, and snatched my letter in her filthy hands.
"I'll take this!"
Sitting down at my desk, I composed myself. I was one of those people who needed a few seconds if they were about to freak. After counting to five, I ripped open the letter.

Dear Olivia,
I just found the stuffed dog you gave to me.

The sides of my lips went up, knowing how Pierre never was the one for salutations.

Remember Moroux? You gave him to me at the fair in Quebec when you were ten. You wanted to mix our last names. You were so stubborn! I told you to name him Rover, or Spot, but you insisted that it had to have both of our names in it.

I laughed, remembering the beat up animal I had gotten for knocking down all the milk bottles.

I'll send him as soon as I don't need him. Do you know I sleep with him every night, just because if I inhale really hard, I can get a whiff of your perfume? I guess now it's a good thing you never let him go when you were over.

He used to get so annoyed when I hugged Moroux instead of him, I thought .

You know your good friend, Ella? She's been waiting for you to leave because she has now been harassing me for a month. No joke. Physically and emotionally. I just might press charges...

I grimaced. Ella. I can't believe I thought that jerk was my friend.

You know I would never, ever love anyone but you. Of course you know. I haven't been out with girls since you left. I barely notice them.

Sweet, loyal Pierre. I thought. I love you too.

I'm rambling, aren't I? Well what I've been working up to say is that this year is our last year of high school. You're a smart girl. You know the curriculum, you can teach yourself, as well as me. We've been apart for too long, in my view. I miss you so much I could kill just to hear your voice

Uh oh.

Livy, I'm coming. I don't care how long it takes, I don't care if I hurt my family, I don't care! I want to see you. I want to be a part of your life, Livy. I hope you want me too. I'll leave soon. I'll be there before you graduate. Please give me the okay. I don't want to be rejected . I love you.

Yours Forever, P.S. Write back soon.
Pierre Roux

I read the letter over twice. He really meant what he said. He would give everything up for me. Boring old Olivia Moreal. But, I wasn't the same person, wait a second, I was the same. So he can come! I thought. My true love is coming! Oh, shit, that sounded corny...Wait. The other part of me said. He has a life in Quebec. You can't just think about yourself. Think about him!!! I fingered my second piercing. I couldn't even think! Well, might as well start the beginning, I thought.

Dear Pierre...

Hello, lollipop89281 !
I’d like to say the name you chose was very original. Pierre Roux. I’m guessing he’s from Quebec, or some of that region? Anyhow;

Remember, Moroux?

I don’t think you need that comma in there.

You gave him to me at the fair when you were ten.

You should mention the town/city name. It would give a good mental backgroundimage.

You were so stubborn!

Is Olivia still stubborn? You should include that so we get more insight on MC’s personality.

Did you know I sleep with him every night, just because if I sniff really hard, I can get a taste of your perfume?

Do you know I…

How come she’s trebling and violently writing if she loves Pierre? Sure it would be nerve-wracking, but if you were in the scenario and you loved Pierre to those extents, don’t you think you’d want to be with him forever too?

I enjoyed this chapter, but your title is pretty short. Try something… longer and more… depictive.

Hey there!

I'm going to cover a few topics, so to make it easier I'll make the topics bold. It might look like a lot but I'll try to make it easy to understand.

Dialogue: Whenever you have dialogue, you need to make a new paragraph. When a new person is speaking, you also need a new paragraph. Your first paragraph, where you have all of the dialogue, should be rewritten to reflect this. Don't forget dialogue tags and how to punctuate for them:

"Hello!" I walked into the room.
She said, "How are you?"
"Good," I said.

Notice the commas and all that? It's kind of confusing, so here is a link that might help you out: Link Here!

Characterization: This topic is more difficult than the one above it! But I'll try to tell you what I can to help you with it. Characters are incredebly important to your story, and I'm sure you know this, so your characters have to be real people both to you and your reader. A good way to get to know your character is by hanging out in the Character Development user group. One reason characterization is so important is because your beginning is flat. You have dialogue, action, dialogue, action, dialogue... Even after just one paragraph of this, I'm a little sleepy. You can easily shake this up! Instead of just having a brief conversation like that, show us who they are. What is her mom doing? Why is she asking about her friends? Did she just move recently? Have her be natural, and not so fast. Don't tell everything though - we don't need to know her whole life story just yet!

Hook me!: The beginning of stories are soooo hard. You need to have a hook to catch your reader and convince them that they never want to put this down until they get to the end. Right now, you have a very small hook - but it needs something more. We'll see this "more" when you start fleshing out your characters in your story, but even your plot needs this. Try to get us interested as soon as you start your story. Don't rush to the conflict, but you certainly need to get there soon! Not to mention, as it is, what makes your story unique? I'm sure something interesting will be coming later on, but if you don't show that your story is unique and special soon, your reader might not care anymore! So try to get the conflict (Why can't Pierre come visit her?) out ASAP!

Whew, that was a lot! I think I've covered enough. I hope this helps! If you have any questions about something I've said, feel free to message me! Best of luck!

Only guy you'll find critiquing the romantic fiction forum. anyway...

The front door slammed shut as I walked to the kitchen. "Livy?" My mom called. "Yea." I said. "Oh, hi. How was your day?" I looked through the mail. "It was-uh-" I beamed as I saw the name on one of my letters. Looking up, I smiled. "Great. Just perfect." She grinned back at me. "Good. Did you make any friends?" I immediately looked away. "Uh huh. Sure did." Her eyebrows flew up. "Who?" I turned and ran to the stairs. "Um-mm, Becky and Susan?"

okay i got problems with lots of you dialogue. suzzane has already filled you in on some of it but you need some words that actually ascribe speech instead of just quotation marks. some she said or livy said or her mom said is really called for here

oh yeah and the immediately. please,please,please, try to avoid adverbs, they are bad juju.

Sitting down at my desk, I composed myself. After counting to five, I ripped open the letter

why would she wait? most normal people would rip right in. this is golden opportunity to explain a little about her.

The sides of my lips went up, knowing how Pierre never was the one for salutations

read that a couple times by itself. sounds a little weird doesn't it?

Remember, Moroux?

I think this is missing a subject since it is not moroux who is doing the remembering.

I laughed, remembering

remembering what?

I sniff really hard, I can get a taste of your perfume?

is this a little creepy or is it just me?

He used to get so annoyed when I hugged Moroux instead of him, I thought smugly

smugly is an adverb, try to rewrite this sentence since you cant just drop it.

She probably has been waiting for you to leave because she has now officially been harassing me for a month

drop both probably and officially

No! He can't. Yes. No. Ugh! Maybe

this looks and reads a little weird

overall, i liked this piece. it needs more of a hook and some more development of characters.

7/10 in my book, keep at it.