Learning Love-Chapter One

Her arms were wrapped in his as they said goodbye… Remy wiped away a tear that created a trail down to her chin and stood staring into his hurt eyes.
He pulled her soft frame off of his and cradled her chin in his hands, “You really don’t have to do this Remy, I told you it doesn’t have to end, I just…I just need some time.”
“'I don't have time anymore Cooper," she said through spurts of sobs. "This is the end of us and the end of my life in California.'
“But Maine baby, what the hell is in Maine?” 'His eyes matched the disbelief in his voice as he gazed around at the other people in the airport and wondered how many of them were saying goodbye, possibly forever.
“My new beginning, my fresh start, so I can’t hurt you anymore, I need to get away.” She looked away, remembering all those times she lied, the things she hid from him.
“I can’t deny you hurt me Remy, I just think we need some time apart and we could work it out, just be friends”
Remy took his hands in hers and gazed into his eyes, “You know I can’t do that, to me, or you.”
“Well, you better call me,” He said with a half smile forming on his somber face.
Remy smiled weakly and pulled Cooper in for a last embrace, and unafraid of her future she walked off towards the terminal and never looked back.

Okay this is a pretty neat story!

A milky glaze hovered above the icy waters

That is a good beginning. Very powerful.

beaks in, looking for breakfast

No comma

acres, beyond the gloomy

No comma after acres

Stones aligned in a row cracked from the freezing temperatures, their broken edges strewn everywhere

This confuses the tense for me. Maybe 'the stones, with their cracked surfaces from the freezing temperatures, were aligned in a row, their broken edges strewn [across the path.]
For the last bit in brackets, where are they? across a path? road? garden?

wooden porch, where after just three steps, stood a massive maple door.

wooden porch where, after just three steps, a massive maple door towered. That sounds a little better off the tongue, and 'stood a massive maple door' is a little boring, to be honest. So by just rewording it, tweaking it, you say the same thing but in a little more punching words... if you get me.

remembering the haze from the picture

So all of the above is in a picture? Maybe introduce Remy earlier so we know it's a picture. That sentence hit me a little too hard. I was like 'huh?'

Spanning out for miles it seemed, a glorious lake, covered in a fog, that mysterious fog she read about.

That didn't run off my tongue very easily. Bit too choppy, so maybe let's try and restructure it. Try: That mysterious fog she'd read about shrouded every inch of the vast and glorious lake spanning out for miles ahead of her.

and her Acura sighed then grew silent

Maybe try: grew silent with a soft sigh

ahead of her; an extremely tiny, and incomparably majestic cabin.

replace semi colan with hypen (-)

The windows were iced over, but huge. For the view, Remy imagined, moving closer

The huge windows were iced over. Must be for the view, Remy imagined as she moved slowly closer.

flat surface, until it

No comma

weight, and creaked

Either delete comma to make it flow easier, or to again make it flow a little easier... 'The first step creaked noisily as it gave with her weight.'

“Well, this isn’t beyond beautiful or anything,” she sighed grabbing the door handle.

This should be on its own new line, and hah there should be a comma between sighed and grabbing. If you read it back to yourself you'll see how that works...

stomach, and open

No comma

yelled, “HOME”, loud

loudly yelled 'home' to herself. Since you say yelled, no need for capitals.

calls home

Called home

love seat, and recliner

no comma

not a television, novel, she mused.

not a television. Novel, she mused (aloud? if so put it in speech marks on a new line).
I don't really get the novel bit... but maybe It's just me?

rug, which stretches all the way

no comma - full stop it. 'It stretched' be consistent with tenses!

No doubt imported from Italy, she decided with a smirk.

I like thoughts to be in italics so that the reader can tell what's in the head what is thought and what is said...

“This, she sighs, was so worth it”.

"This," she sighed "was so worth it."
KEEP TENSES THE SAME!!!!!!!

suitable for you.”

Sounds like a question, so instead of . put ?

“Ms. Olivier, See you in a half hour.”

Full stop instead of comma and then the capital is needed. Otherwise lower case the S

Great, they already assume I’m married, what an awesome town.

Italic the thoughts in her head otherwise check the tenses again.

Let’s hope there is a Wal-Mart locally, she worried in disbelief.

Italics until the ,

the huge, window, a bay window obviously, with another dusty cushion.

'the huge bay window'. No need for the cushion bit

The trees were huge, and endless, high and deep.

huge and endless, high and deep

b-line

beeline

awkwardly shiny Acura

What's so awkward about it? is everything else dirty and dull? Tell us or don't put the awkwardly

from whence she came

whence? HUH? Do you mean 'where'

Okay this was a great story, such powerful wording!!!!!!!!!!! I could almost smell and hear and taste things, but you need to read this aloud to yourself including all the commas. It's worked with me because then you'll understand all my corrections on the commas.
Also should run it through a few times in your head with track changes to pick up on unnecessary capitals halfway through the sentences.

This is awesome! Very powerfully written, sorry if I got some things you don't understand, feel free to pm me for any clarity or anything further you may want.

Hey there,

that's a good start you've got there. I enjoyed reading it and you have a very nice flow.

Nitpicks -- I know, annoying, so let's get this over with first! I just have one or tow general things I think you should look out for. Just small things, but general tips are always good, no?

1) Tenses -- Okay, everybody makes mistakes here and it's hard to find them all on your own, but once you've decided on a tense make sure you stick with it. You seem to have chosen the past as your narratice tense, which works very well for your story.

Peering around the solitude Remy now call[s]s[/s]ed home, one thing was for sure:

I think there were one or two other places, where you accidentally slipped into present tense, but they can easily be fixed.


Brands for description -- When you're talking about an object you usually want to use an attribute so the reader can picture it better. The attribute therefore has to tell you something more about the object. Brands can do that if they are a) well-known (which Land's End is) and b) they say something significant about the object in question. For example if you're talking about a Prada handbag everyone will know it costs a fortune and that it's extravagant. Or when you say converse shoes everyone will know you're talking about the most popular shoe on the globe. Land's End doesn't really do that.


Characters -- So far we only have Remy and the guy who called her, who doesn't seem to be all that important. Remy gives the impression of being rather wealthy, since the house she's moving into seems very well furnished and her car is big and shiny. She seems to be a rather strong, energetic woman, for she can't seem to decide where to start. She's single and doesn't exactly seem happy with it and ... a lot more I can't really say. I do find her engaging though and I'm very interested in getting to know more about her.


Setting -- You do a lot of description of the place Remy moves into, which on the one hand is very good since she's just exploring the place herself and the reader gets to know the setting and explore everything with her, but your first chapter seems to consist almost entirely of description and not a whole lot of plot. I as a reader won't be able to remember all of this at once (Although you did succeed very well in giving me an idea of what the place is like.) and also description just doesn't give a lot of hook.

Further in the first paragraph you describe the scenery from the lake up to the house, which is nice, but then your MC arrives and looks at it and looks out the window and discovers all of it. Wouldn't it make more sense to let us see this as well through her eyes?

I'm not saying that the description is bad, because you did a wonderful job in describing, I am just saying that in relation to the plot and what we get to know of your MC it's a whole lot.

It seemed a bit unorganized in places though. For example when she goes to the large window and looks outside, I have no idea where that window is located. But that may just be me.

Your description in general I liked a lot. It's very vivid and Remy's personal comments give us more of an idea what she's like. Also you have nice flow when describing.


Plot -- I shall sum up what's happened so far [I'll only state what actually happens. Information the reader gets I'll put in brackets. Questions that arise, that make me want to continue reading I'll put in italics.]:

a) Remy has arrived at the cottage. [We find out that it's in Maine and that she's from San Fransisco, so she's travelled a rather far bit. She calls the cottage home. (Why on earth is she moving to the other end of the country?)]
b) She explores the cottage.
c)She decides that there's a lot of work to do and that she has to pee.
c) She receives a phone call that she needs to file her papers.
d) She goes to the bathroom.
e) She leaves to go and file her papers.

So far the thing that interests me and makes me want to keep reading id the question of why someone would move from San Fransisco to Maine and whether or not this has something to do with the fact that she is single. Running away from something perhaps?

The rest seems so trivial. I don't really need to read about her needing to go to the bathroom unless in the bathroom something happens that's important for your story. Also going to file her papers isn't really a prospect that'll make me read the next chapter. I understand that probably when she goes to file her papers something interesting happens, but if that's already in the second chapter maybe someone will have already put this away?


Overall -- In general I can honestly say that I liked it. You've got a good start here. I do however think that it could use work and that it's not enough to make up the entire first chapter. I'd add more. More, so the reader can get to know Remy a little better and more so there can be more actual plot and with that more hook. I'm not sure about how to handle the overload of description. Adding more would make it somewhat more balanced, but I'd think about describing some things later on and not everything at once, just so you don't info-dump and it stays interesting.


I'd like to read more of this, when you've put some more up. Keep working on it! Feel free to PM me with any questions.

All the best,
~Kalliope

Oh yes, is there more? Ha where's the romance?

I cannot wait for the next bit, please pm me when the next bit is up, or i'll keep an eye out...

Like i pointed out, keep the tense past tense because that worked best for the story. You also have very nicely developed setting, it was breathtakingly written!

Please tell me there is more!

Nichola-thank you so much for all your corrections! I posted the revised version of Like Walden in the same place as the old one, so you can check it out! And there is certainly more, I just need to get this part right before I proceed!

Kalliope-I thank you as well! I'm taking some time now to put more plot into the first chapter, because it was very filled with description, and not alot of action! Thanks for your review!

Okay i am just going to be a total twit here and edit my own writing HA.

Stones, with their cracked surfaces from the freezing temperatures, were aligned in a row, their broken edges strewn across the grass.

Stones, their surfaces cracked from the freezing temperatures, were aligned in a row with their broken edges strewn across the grass.

Yeah, i just read that original and was like 'oh my gosh I don't like that!' and yeah, hah.

Now onto yours:

“I don’t have any more time Cooper; she said through spurts of sobs, this is the end of us, and the end of my life in California.”

'I don't have time anymore Cooper," she said through spurts of sobs. "This is the end of us and the end of my life in California.'

“But Maine baby, what the hell is in Maine?” his eyes pleading.

Where - not what. And instead of 'his eyes pleading' have 'His eyes matched the disbelief in his voice.
Have the pleading part separate.

And this is lovely! Still!

Hi,

your welcome for the crit. You're doing an amazing job at taking the advice given and editing your work. You're so fast!

I don't really have much time now, so I'll just write a few sentences about two thing I find important.

Flashbacks

Flashbacks can be rather effective, but you ought to make sure that whatever the person is thinking back of is really significant for the story and seems significant to the reader at the time without making him think "What do I care?" and then "Oh, so probably later this will be important..." Bring things in at the point where they obviously become relevant. (That's just something general you should be aware of.)

Getting in and out of a flashback is complicated in a way, because you have to make a connection without being annoyingly obvious, but also without completely confusing the reader. I especially noticed that when Remy's flashback ends there's no ridge to the present, so first I wondered whether she passed the kitchen in the airplane. You could just bring something in like "Oh well, there's a lot to do here, getting lost in thought is a waste of time..." Or have something abrupt (bird flying against the window) happen that brings her back. They you should have her get up and walk past the kitchen otherwise people wonder how she gets there.

So: Smooth transition.

Hook me!

In the present this still doesn't really hook me. I know more about your MC's background now and all, which is interesting, but there's nothing in her present that makes me think "Gee, what's going to happen next?"

I picked out an article from the knowledge base that may help you.

It's on how to write chapters, so it may help you in getting more hook into this first one.

Happy writing and have a merry Christmas!

Best,
~Kalliope

Hi,

beware, it's me ... again.

Wow, I really like this the way it is now. Very well written, the description is marvelous and the flow is amazing. Also I love the dialogue you have.

Yet again I have one or two things I'd think about:

1) Okay, this is tiny, but when there's a noise from the kitchen I didn't really get where it came from. I may have overlooked it, but just in case you didn't give and explanation, I'd think up something little. This is just a peanut though.

2) He asks her out already?! Wow. I really liked the dialogue between them and the manner in which he asked her out was very sweet, but they hardly talk about anything else and somehow that seems a bit fast. And way too easy for Remy, haha. She seems so used to getting what she wants.

Anyway, think about having them just talk first, for example him just wanting to say "Hi" and welcome her and all that and maybe have him ask her out the second time they meet. Or make clear that he actually just came to say "hi" and everything and have him ask her out more on an impulse. (If that was, what was actually going on, then I'd just make it a bit clearer.)

Other than those two small things I love it!

All the best,
~Kalliope

P.S. Haha, I'll leave this alone now, but let me know when you post more, okay?