untitled as of yet

It's pretty short. I wrote this in five minutes, so it's probably very bad, but I like it. Some parts anyway. Thanks
Edit: My MC is meant to be annoying and shallow, I wanted to write from that viewpoint for a change and I'm really sorry about the 'I be' nonsense, aaargh, it's so annoying, I always somehow end up writing it. I shall try very hard not to

Before passing the threshold I shall thank you to observe the orchard. Be it a small part of your day or a larger one I care not. I merely take it upon myself to bestow you the view. It strikes a most precarious core from within me. One which is neither explainable nor rational. One which reaches to my very essence. Indubitably, I esteem it conventional of you to question not my motives, not my thoughts or my actions. I be a mere memory, fragmented at that. You shall not remember me for long. I shall stir no meditation.

It would hurt to recollect my life. By asking me to do so you pain me, you reach to my own core and wrench my soul from me. You may have a heart, but mine has been ripped and torn. There be not a single possession that I would not give up for my soul back.

I must stop this chatter. It be not adequate behaviour on my part. I would thank you to ignore such comportment. Humility is not a quality you should expect from me. I do not venerate such qualities. If you do so wish, I shall tell you of the young master that once lived here. The young man that was once the subject of such ardour, such passion… No, no I shall not tell you. The wind blows cadaverously here, so too do memories. In such winds it is difficult for them to cling on, to not be blown away. I am afraid I succumb to the majority, I be one whom has done so. I have left them and so it shall remain.

1807-
I shall not think about him. He be a corrupting influence in my life. So says mother, and I feel not for him. I do not. I be a mere child. I be not capable of feeling such emotions that I claim. I esteem it most impertinent to be truthful. Be it not more portent to content individual persons? I shall talk no more of him, for I do not love him. I love little. I refuse to love even mother. By not loving a soul I can be safe, I can, and I will. I be not an obtuse psyche. For all my fourteen years may be few I have a soul that outweighs them. By most strange encounter I met a strange child today:
He was standing upon the stairs, cleaning. Upon opening his mouth he uttered some words. Looking from the back wall (which hitherto had been the subject of my gaze) I proceeded to find the said orator. His gaze had left the floor and was now focused on my own façade.
“Pardon, miss”
Concentrating my attention on other matters (I did not wish to establish a relationship with a servant. I neither wished to converse nor remain in his presence for longer than necessary.)
“I shall thank you, young sir, to move.”
“Pardon miss, but I wish to inquire upon a few things”
Surprised was I, that such a boy had questioned me.
“Why?”
Shocked was even I at my response. I cared not to belittle others, it was not within me to be so rude. Sweeping a single hair from my face I proceeded to carry on walking.
“For I be busy, I be off for a walk with the master upon the moors. I care not for your queries at this time.”

Lost_in_dreamland wrote:It's pretty short. I wrote this in five minutes, so it's probably very bad, but I like it. Some parts anyway. Thanks


Before passing the threshold I shall thank you to observe the orchard.

from the very first line your narator pissed me off, maybe that's intentional but you have to work very hard to get the reader to keep reading. Still, it's possible

Be it a small part of your day or a larger one I care not. I merely take it upon myself to bestow you the view. It strikes a most precarious Precarious should never be combined with core. Nothing about core is precarious. Oxymoron, I think.
core from within me. One which is neither explainable nor rational. One which reaches to my very essence. Indubitably, I esteem it conventional of you to question not my motives, not my thoughts or my actions. I beI am. Not matter what weird way of speaking you are trying to achieve. I be is wrong.
a mere memory, fragmented at that. You shall not remember me for long. I shall stir no meditation.

It would hurt to recollect my life. By asking me to do so I dont remember asking. In fact, this made me almost stop reading, But I digress you pain me, you reach to my own core and wrench from me my soul. You may have a heart, but mine has been ripped and torn. There be not a sole possession that I would not give up for my soul back.

I must stop this chatter. It be not adequate behaviour on my part. I would thank you to ignore such comportment. Humility is not a quality you should expect from me. I do not venerate such qualities. If you do so wish, I shall tell you of the young master that once lived here. The young man that was once the subject of such ardour, such passion… No, no I shall not tell you. The wind blows cadaverouslycadaverously? Really? How on earth does a wind blow cadaverously?
here, so too do memories. In such winds it is difficult for them to cling on, to not be blown away. I am afraid I succumb to the majority, I be one whom has done so. I have left them and so it shall remain.

1807-
I shall not think about him. He be a corrupting influence in my life. So says mother, and I feel not for him. I do not. I be a mere child. I be not capable of feeling such emotions that I claim. I esteem it most impertinent to be truthful. Be it not more portent to content individual persons? I shall talk no more of him, for I do not love him. I love little. I refuse to love even mother. By not loving a soul I can be safe, I can, and I will. I be not an obtuse psyche. For all my fourteen years may be few I have a soul that outweighs them.this whole rant thing seems irrelevant and boring. Start here-
By most strange encounter I met a strange child today:
He was standing upon the stairs, cleaning. Upon opening his mouth he uttered some words. Looking from the back wall (which hitherto had been the subject of my gaze) I proceeded to find the said orator. His gaze had left the floor and was now focused on my own façade.
“Pardon miss”
Concentrating my attention on other matters (I did not wish to establish a relationship with a servant. I neither wished to converse nor remain in his presence for longer than necessary.) Brackets are a bit uneccessary, since your narator seems to go into random rants whenever they want
I shall thank you, young sir, to move.”
“Pardon miss, but I wish to inquire upon a few things”
Surprised was I, that such a boy had questioned me.
“Why?”
Shocked was even I at my response. I cared not to belittle others, it was not within me to be so rude. Sweeping a single hair from my face I proceeded to carry on walking.
“For I be busy, I be off for a walk with the master upon the moors. I care not for your queries at this time.”

So, I am going to be harsh here. The begining was absolutely awful, but it improved slightly as, you know, something started to happen. The style of writing, the tone of narator, the "I be" buisness and all that made me so irriated and not in a good, Scarlett O'Hara way, but in a bad, throw the book across the room way. You tried to write well. But I would rather read something less well written with more substance and less gimicks. I think you need to remember the basics of writing, as all historical writers should. Write a story modern people can identify with. Good luck.

It is terrible Ducati, I know and in some parts the word choice is completely off, but that's the way the MC is meant to be, they just put what they want. They are also meant to be irratating because I was trying a different style for this piece, so that explains the annoying parts
thankyou
x

re-reading it I have absolutely no idea how I managed to put cadaverously in that sentence. I must have got mixed up with another word

Hiya there.

wrench from me my soul.

Ouch. My eyes burn. =) Do you mean "wrench my soul from me"?

I must stop this chatter.

After all this "I be" stuff, the word "chatter" seems a little too modern. Though, I must admit, it was also very welcome, haha. But it be not fitting the style.

No, no I shall not tell you.

I almost laughed at this, though I don't suppose you meant it to be funny. It's just that the narrator does indeed ramble quite a lot, and this just was the perfect example of it. "I shall tell you... No, I shall not tell you." Teehee.

I refuse to love even my? mother. By not loving a soul I can be safe, I can, and I will.

Could you explain a little? How does the narrator think she's safe? Why? (I assume she's a she.)

“Pardoncomma missperiod”

Remember the periods at the end of the sentences.

Has this something to do with the Adelaide thing? When I was reading this, I thought "Oh, great. Lost_in_dreamland's annoying olde style be here again." So if you meant it to be annoying, like you said, congrats! You succeeded! Hahaha. Now I'm just being mean. Sorry.

Well, I'm not exactly sure what the point of this was... I also didn't understand all of the words because of my lacking vocabulary But it was a calming read for the night, so thanks. Just watch that style of yours: "I be" thing you've got going has already lost its interestingness, at least for me.

Hopefully this was even a bit helpful!


Demeter xxx

You definetly aren't a bad writer. However, it is my absolute pet-peeve when people write like Charles Dickens, so my critique might not be the nicest

Before passing the threshold I shall thank you to observe the orchard. Be it a small part of your day or a larger one I care not.

I agree with Ducati. This sentence is dry, overblown and uninteresting. It makes the reader roll their eyes. If you're reader doesn't like the first few paragraphs, they won't bother to read the whole book!

I be a mere memory, fragmented at that.

I be? Do you mean "I am?"

wrench from me my soul.

I will say this once: Please. Please. Please. Write in a normal order.
Normal order= wrench my soul from me.

There be not a sole possession that I would not give up for my soul back.

Take out the word "sole". Take out "be".
Rewrite: There is not a possession that I would not part with in order to have my soul returned.
It is simpler and does not make the reader think you're trying too hard.

I would take out sole because later in the sentence you say "soul". I know they mean different things, but it messes up your fluency.

The wind blows cadaverously

Cadaver= dead body
wind=not dead body
How can the wind blow like a dead body?

I need to leave now, but here are some final hints:

Stop saying be when you really mean am, were or was.
Remember: It isn't the words you use, it's how you use them. Just because you have a good vocabulary doesn't mean your writing is good (not that you are bad)

Hope this helped!

-Sakura

Yeah; she's meant to be annoying and shallow and I know, seriously, I have a problem with writing 'I be' in place of 'I am' it's so annoying
I shall edit!
thanks x

Demeter wrote:Hiya there.

wrench from me my soul.

Ouch. My eyes burn. =) Do you mean "wrench my soul from me"?
Thanks I fixed it

I must stop this chatter.

After all this "I be" stuff, the word "chatter" seems a little too modern. Though, I must admit, it was also very welcome, haha. But it be not fitting the style.
Yeah, she's meant to be annoying and shallow. She contradicts herself a lot too funnily enough

No, no I shall not tell you.

I almost laughed at this, though I don't suppose you meant it to be funny. It's just that the narrator does indeed ramble quite a lot, and this just was the perfect example of it. "I shall tell you... No, I shall not tell you." Teehee.
Contradictory

I refuse to love even my? mother. By not loving a soul I can be safe, I can, and I will.

Could you explain a little? How does the narrator think she's safe? Why? (I assume she's a she.)
She believes that if she doesn't love anyone then she won't be hurt. Basically a very complicated way of saying that she doesn't want to get hurt.

“Pardoncomma missperiod”

Remember the periods at the end of the sentences.

Has this something to do with the Adelaide thing? No; it doesn't. This character is much more annoying and shallow. When I was reading this, I thought "Oh, great. [s]Lost_in_dreamland's[/s] Kirsten's annoying olde style be here again."Yeah; I have problems with that, seriously I always put it in unintentionally So if you meant it to be annoying, like you said, congrats! You succeeded! Hahaha. Now I'm just being mean. Sorry. No don't worry, you're not being mean. It was meant to be annoying but at the same time I know I made a lot of mistakes, thanks for helping me

Well, I'm not exactly sure what the point of this was... I also didn't understand all of the words because of my lacking vocabulary It's probably not as lacking as you think Demeter. But it was a calming read for the night, so thanks. Just watch that style of yours: "I be" thing you've got going has already lost its interestingness, at least for me.

Hopefully this was even a bit helpful!


Demeter xxx

Thankyou and I have absolutely utterly no idea how the word cadaverously got in there

thanks x

It's Sarah! Here as requested, dahling. Forgive me if I ramble or am too harsh, I'm only harsh to people whose work is good. AKA - you.

Before passing the threshold I shall thank you to observe the orchard.

I've said this a thousand times, and you're going to get sick of me, but here's my rave about opening sentences. Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen? You're really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later. Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things.

One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.

Your opening does have potential, you just need to beat around the bush less, cut down all the wording, be simple. ^_^ Gah, I feel like such a hypocrite.

Be it a small part of your day or a larger one I care not. I merely take it upon myself to bestow you the view. It strikes a most precarious core from within me.

The narrative voice doesn't annoy me that much yet, because it is like she's addressing the reader, and a very common problem is that the writer isn't putting the reader on the same wavelength. My problem is, some of the sentences are redundant. Basically - if a sentence isn't going to move the story along, nix it. I would get rid of 'it strikes a most precarious core within me' as I kind of understand what you're getting at but most people won't, and it does kind of seem redundant.

One which is neither explainable nor rational. One which reaches to my very essence. Indubitably, I esteem it conventional of you to question not my motives, not my thoughts or my actions. I be a mere memory, fragmented at that. You shall not remember me for long. I shall stir no meditation.

This is a good chain of thoughts, but you need to insert it in somewhere later, where it will move the story along. We don't want to hear about her thoughts at this point, we want to get to the action. So insert this later, where something is happening and you want to slow it down.

It would hurt to recollect my life. By asking me to do so you pain me, you reach to my own core and wrench my soul from me. You may have a heart, but mine has been ripped and torn. There be not a single possession that I would not give up for my soul back.

Again, I think what you need to do is speed it up and make it juicier.

I must stop this chatter. It be not adequate behaviour on my part. I would thank you to ignore such comportment.

This is a bit too colloquial, I think you should stick with the ulterior narrative, which works for me.

No, no I shall not tell you.

Up till here it was good, this sentence is contradictory seeing as the main character is going to tell us of these memories anyway. I would nix it, savvy?

The wind blows cadaverously here, so too do memories.

Much as I adore that word, I do have to say it's a bit out of place. But I personally am going to contradict everyone and say you keep it. It makes the subordinate sentence more poignant, and it has a lot more meaning that the other chains of thoughts. I don't know, but you must keep this sentence, maybe replacing cadaverously, maybe keeping it.

In such winds it is difficult for them to cling on, to not be blown away.

Reword subordinate sentence 'not to be blown away.' Makes more sense if you switch a few words round.

I am afraid I succumb to the majority, I be one whom has done so. I have left them and so it shall remain.

I think the second sentence is fine, it has meaning. But I would advise you to get rid of the first.

He be a corrupting influence in my life.

The use of 'be' here takes away the feeling and makes it a bit ludicrous. You could get such emotion out of this, under the circumstances I would replace 'be' with 'was' or 'is', not because I dislike Old English, just because here, you could get more emotion through nixing the Old English.

So says mother, and I feel not for him.

This doesn't make complete sense.

I do not. I be a mere child. I be not capable of feeling such emotions that I claim. I esteem it most impertinent to be truthful. Be it not more portent to content individual persons? I shall talk no more of him, for I do not love him. I love little. I refuse to love even mother. By not loving a soul I can be safe, I can, and I will. I be not an obtuse psyche.

Good chain of thoughts, it gives us insight into her character. But we need to break it down or it seems like a rant. I've done that for you here, hopefully I kept the core meaning but managed to dilute it a bit (oh, and I've edited out Old English where it wasn't needed:)

I do not; I am not capable of feeling such emotions that I claim. I shall talk no more of him, for I do not love him. I refuse to love even mother, for by not loving a soul I can be safe. I can, and I will.

I don't know about you, but to me that seems more melancholy, more capable of arousing feelings and empathy within the reader.

For all my fourteen years may be few I have a soul that outweighs them.

This would make more sense as, 'My fourteen years are few, yet I have a soul that outweights them.'

By most strange encounter I met a strange child today:

Replace the colon with a fullstop.

He was standing upon the stairs, cleaning.

Maybe say, 'cleaning the banisters' or something like that, to elaborate.

Upon opening his mouth he uttered some words.

I would simplify this and say, 'Opening his mouth, he uttered some words.'

Looking from the back wall (which hitherto had been the subject of my gaze) I proceeded to find the said orator.

I don't really like the use of brackets here, and the content within them is redundant, so nix both the brackets and their contents.

His gaze had left the floor and was now focused on my own façade.

By facade, do you mean face? I don't mean you should replace it, I'm just a bit slow today.

“Pardon, miss”

Don't forget the fullstop.

Concentrating my attention on other matters (I did not wish to establish a relationship with a servant. I neither wished to converse nor remain in his presence for longer than necessary.)

These are good ideas and give us insight, they remind me a bit of Wuthering Heights, and was bittersweet, if the reader is apt enough to look into it. We need to break it up and clarify it though, here's my edit:

I quickly turned away, concentrating my attention on other matters. I did not wish to establish a relationship with a servant. I neither wished to converse nor remain in his presence for longer than necessary.

“Pardon miss, but I wish to inquire upon a few things”

Comma after pardon, fullstop after 'things'.

Surprised was I, that such a boy had questioned me.

I understand you're trying to use old English, but in this instance it would be more effective if you wrote, 'I was surprised that such a boy had questioned me." oh, and I nixed the comma, as it disrupted the flow.

Overall Comments

I did like this, Kirsten. I understand that you're trying to put across a somewhat superficial character, maybe a bit like Catherine from Wuthering Heights. I don't think people are giving you a chance to devleop her though, which is a bit unfair. I can never develop my characters in the first chapter. You just need time to develop her and flesh her out, show her in different ways and events. You know, seeing as you're dealing with a character that isn't completely likeable, maybe you should do it in third-person? Then, the reader wouldn't feel like they're reading from the point of view of a disagreeable person, they'd simply be looking at all the characters .Just a suggestion.

Show characters in different lights when you get a chance. Yes, a character in question can also be a villain. Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own, taking chances, making mistakes, trying to make up for them and, the most important of all, getting in different conflicts, be they large-scale, personal or interpersonal.

I think a more physical description of the surroundings and people would have been helpful. What did this main character look like? Was she willowy, thin, curvaceous? Fair, dark, red-head? Did she wear a cobalt blue gown or was she clad in russet? Did she have little characteristics like twisting strands of hair round her fingers, fiddling with a locket round her neck when she gets unnerved? Flesh out your character. If you are developing one very important character, have fun with it! Give your character an entire profile, it's a great activity for progressing when you have writer's block. Some description of the love interest would be nice as well. If I'm to be a typical female.

Anyway, this has real potential and I'm interested on seeing where you're going with it. Sorry for the crappy critique, I'm a bit tired.

Good luck!

-Sarah

To take out the appropriate time to review your work I'll probably qwait until after christmas to do my critque

Thanks so much for the review Sarah
and Rascalover, take as long as you want
x

Help
anyone have any suggestions on how to improve this piece ?

Ok I was fairly interested... I think the beginning should be spruced up a bit. It is merely uninteresting. Your beginning needs to be the one thing that draws people in. Also I think the very first paragraph is a bit random in order of the sentences.

I think you should try and put more desriptions in with more imagery.

I do love the fact that you left the readers unknowing of what's to come. It makes the reader want to come back and read more. Good job!

this story line is very unique, bravo! I really thought it was very interesting. Let me know when you add more.

Sorry this is so short but it seems like more of the grammatical errors have been pointed out and such, much encouragement
Tiff

I've read quite a few of your works,
And some of them were rather outstanding,
While this just so happens not be one of them.

She rambles a lot to herself, doesn't she?
And I was slightly peeved with her.
But I also had to read it a few times to fully comprehend the story.

Oh well, to each, a little rain must fall.
Keep on writing