Forever On A Bridge

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Two stand on a bridge,
away from the world.
Midnight has gone,
four hours, or more.
Their hands clasped tight,
in the face of the dawn.
Not know what will come,
but knowing what has past.

They'll stand together,
untill the very last,
star in the sky,
gone dim in the morning.
When the sun has risen,
once more in the sky,
their paths will part.
The last kiss goodbye.

He holds her in is arms,
one last time before the end
then slowly he turns
and walks silently away.
No tears in her eyes,
as she also turns away.
Silently they part,
there is no turning back.

He turns his head just once,
to watch her walk away.
Into her eyes, to his surprise,
she silently stares back.
They cannot be together,
but again their fingers touch.
They know that they are wrong,
but they'll never be apart.
Last edited by God on Fri Jan 16, 2009 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive




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God wrote:Two stand on a bridge,
away from the world.
Midnight has gone,
four hours, or more. Try for hours and see if it fits. So it becomes "more of a few"
Their hands clasped tight, Why 8 verses?
in the face of the dawn.
Not know what will come,
but knowing what has past.

They'll stand together,
untill the very last, try without the comma ...until...mistake?
star in the sky,
gone dim in the morning.
When the sun has risen,
once more in the sky,
good...some continuous action
their paths will part.
The last kiss goodbye. ...and an end of an era ....this is contrast with "2 verse up"

He holds her in is arms, ...his arms... mistake?
one last time before the end
then slowly he turns
and walks silently away.
No tears in her eyes, slowly..silently..no tears... This is like "dog who barks don't bite"? Great...
as she also turns away.
Silently they part,
there is no turning back.

He turns his head just once,
to watch her walk away.
Into her eyes, to his surprise,
she silently stares back.
They cannot be together,
but again their fingers touch.
They know that they are wrong,
but they'll never be apart. Oh, they will when they both die...or not? ....


The last 4 verses are total turning back for 180 degrees...it happened too fast.... this was a great moment (when they're back together) and you could write more about it....
All in all, this can be better...but good...
Dreams they come and go...ever shall be so...




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Hey God!

When you come to poetry, it would be best not to mention times or dates, or the amount of time passes. It just screws up the whole timeless air that poetry is supposed to have.

This is a very well written poem. I can sense the feeling between the two lovers. But, why on a bridge? You think when you click this poem, it is going to be about suicide or something of the sort. Try putting the lovers in a different location, like a bedroom window, or a secret hideaway in the forest or something like that.

One question have been floating around my head. Why? Why are these lovers separating? You have to give us a little insight to the past before we are going to be able to fully understand this poem.

So, all in all, good poem. Just need a few things tweaked.


*Princess*
I came into this world wrinkled and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world wrinkled and ugly. So I enjoy life.




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Princess wrote:Hey God!

When you come to poetry, it would be best not to mention times or dates, or the amount of time passes. It just screws up the whole timeless air that poetry is supposed to have.




Totally true...thank you for saying it better than me...
Dreams they come and go...ever shall be so...



You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott