Racism, I guess

I'm just writing this poem as I go, so it might not be too amazing, but still. I appreciate any reviews and any corrections anyone has to offer!
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I see the people crowding around,
A life for a life, a frown for a frown-
They are fighting, that much I can see,
But I have a feeling they're fighting for me.
Why are they fighting? I gulp as I enter
The circle of people, moving into the center.
In the center of a circle a fight is taking place
Because of me and my different race.


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Wow. This poem took a really strange turn. I didn't even include the lines that I wanted to include. It isn't that great, either. Please help.

-Macs

p.s. I just edited. Thank you, Dark Angel!

Hi Macs! I'm Dark Angel, and I'll be critiquing your poem today. ^^

On the contrary, I think this is a wonderful piece of writing! It may need a little elaboration, but I thought it sent a great message. It actually manages to be suspenseful, as if it were a story - the lines give me questions, and they're all answered by the last line. Wonderful. (: I just have a teensy bit of nitpicking to do, but other than that, this is one of the best poems I've read on YWS so far!

But I have a feeling they are fighting for me.

Change they are to they're? That flows better.

The circle of people, moving towards the center.

For some reason, "towards" just isn't working for me. Maybe change to "into"? Does that still work?

As you can see, I have very little constructive criticism to offer. You may want to add a few lines (especially if you can manage to fit in those lines you wanted to) just to elaborate on the subject, but other than that, great work! Feel free to PM me about the review or anything else.

~Dark Angel

you're right, Dark Angel. That flows much better. I'll be editing that now. I'll think about adding a few more lines, but it might be hard.
Anyways, thank you for your help! I'd appreciate any other help anyone has to offer as well .
-Macs

Hi, macs it was quite contrary saying the poem was not that okay as compared to what i read when i went through it. It was a very good one from you. One of the beauties of poetry is in It's brevity and this is a good example of a brief poem with very great meaning attached to it. I love the way you presented the issue of racism and representing it in a human form, it makes the poem much more interesting. The more you read the poem the more you understand and the last line give it a nice finishing touch to the poem. But the issue of racism can be given much more prominence than this i mean in terms of expressing emotions. Racism comes with many problems blood shed, killings, rape, murder, dehumanization, and lack of the essential and fundamental needs of the people so affected. I believe can be made to bear more of there emotions in it. Aside this, i love your poem. Thanks, keep it up and PM me on any of your latest works

Hi, macs it was quite contrary saying the poem was not that okay as compared to what i read when i went through it. It was a very good one from you. One of the beauties of poetry is in It's brevity and this is a good example of a brief poem with very great meaning attached to it. I love the way you presented the issue of racism and representing it in a human form, it makes the poem much more interesting. The more you read the poem the more you understand and the last line give it a nice finishing touch to the poem. But the issue of racism can be given much more prominence than this i mean in terms of expressing emotions. Racism comes with many problems blood shed, killings, rape, murder, dehumanization, and lack of the essential and fundamental needs of the people so affected. I believe can be made to bear more of there emotions in it. Aside this, i love your poem. Thanks, keep it up and PM me on any of your latest works

Hi, macs it was quite contrary saying the poem was not that okay as compared to what i read when i went through it. It was a very good one from you. One of the beauties of poetry is in It's brevity and this is a good example of a brief poem with very great meaning attached to it. I love the way you presented the issue of racism and representing it in a human form, it makes the poem much more interesting. The more you read the poem the more you understand and the last line give it a nice finishing touch to the poem. But the issue of racism can be given much more prominence than this i mean in terms of expressing emotions. Racism comes with many problems blood shed, killings, rape, murder, dehumanization, and lack of the essential and fundamental needs of the people so affected. I believe can be made to bear more of there emotions in it. Aside this, i love your poem. Thanks, keep it up and PM me on any of your latest works

Hi, macs it was quite contrary saying the poem was not that okay as compared to what i read when i went through it. It was a very good one from you. One of the beauties of poetry is in It's brevity and this is a good example of a brief poem with very great meaning attached to it. I love the way you presented the issue of racism and representing it in a human form, it makes the poem much more interesting. The more you read the poem the more you understand and the last line give it a nice finishing touch to the poem. But the issue of racism can be given much more prominence than this i mean in terms of expressing emotions. Racism comes with many problems blood shed, killings, rape, murder, dehumanization, and lack of the essential and fundamental needs of the people so affected. I believe can be made to bear more of there emotions in it. Aside this, i love your poem. Thanks, keep it up and PM me on any of your latest works

Hi, macs it was quite contrary saying the poem was not that okay as compared to what i read when i went through it. It was a very good one from you. One of the beauties of poetry is in It's brevity and this is a good example of a brief poem with very great meaning attached to it. I love the way you presented the issue of racism and representing it in a human form, it makes the poem much more interesting. The more you read the poem the more you understand and the last line give it a nice finishing touch to the poem. But the issue of racism can be given much more prominence than this i mean in terms of expressing emotions. Racism comes with many problems blood shed, killings, rape, murder, dehumanization, and lack of the essential and fundamental needs of the people so affected. I believe can be made to bear more of there emotions in it. Aside this, i love your poem. Thanks, keep it up and PM me on any of your latest works

Hi, macs it was quite contrary saying the poem was not that okay as compared to what i read when i went through it. It was a very good one from you. One of the beauties of poetry is in It's brevity and this is a good example of a brief poem with very great meaning attached to it. I love the way you presented the issue of racism and representing it in a human form, it makes the poem much more interesting. The more you read the poem the more you understand and the last line give it a nice finishing touch to the poem. But the issue of racism can be given much more prominence than this i mean in terms of expressing emotions. Racism comes with many problems blood shed, killings, rape, murder, dehumanization, and lack of the essential and fundamental needs of the people so affected. I believe can be made to bear more of there emotions in it. Aside this, i love your poem. Thanks, keep it up and PM me on any of your latest works

Hi, macs it was quite contrary saying the poem was not that okay as compared to what i read when i went through it. It was a very good one from you. One of the beauties of poetry is in It's brevity and this is a good example of a brief poem with very great meaning attached to it. I love the way you presented the issue of racism and representing it in a human form, it makes the poem much more interesting. The more you read the poem the more you understand and the last line give it a nice finishing touch to the poem. But the issue of racism can be given much more prominence than this i mean in terms of expressing emotions. Racism comes with many problems blood shed, killings, rape, murder, dehumanization, and lack of the essential and fundamental needs of the people so affected. I believe can be made to bear more of there emotions in it. Aside this, i love your poem. Thanks, keep it up and PM me on any of your latest works

Hi, macs it was quite contrary saying the poem was not that okay as compared to what i read when i went through it. It was a very good one from you. One of the beauties of poetry is in It's brevity and this is a good example of a brief poem with very great meaning attached to it. I love the way you presented the issue of racism and representing it in a human form, it makes the poem much more interesting. The more you read the poem the more you understand and the last line give it a nice finishing touch to the poem. But the issue of racism can be given much more prominence than this i mean in terms of expressing emotions. Racism comes with many problems blood shed, killings, rape, murder, dehumanization, and lack of the essential and fundamental needs of the people so affected. I believe can be made to bear more of there emotions in it. Aside this, i love your poem. Thanks, keep it up and PM me on any of your latest works