All The Little Butterflies (EDITED)

NOTE: OK, so this is actually one of my favorite things I could have written and right now I could care less how it's formatted, so yeah. I just care about spelling, grammer, and quality. So thank you for reading. EDITED
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Eric threw a rock at her window. The rain was pouring harshly. He knew that her parents wouldn't let him in. His hair was dripping from the rain, his t-shirt completely soaked. The black cotton of Eric's t-shirt clung against his chest, ribs, and his belly button. He stood six foot two, his glossy curls bounced to life when he jumped as he tossed another rock.
His chocolate brown eyes locked on her window. He was determined to marry her, no matter what her parents said. He knew he was ready, he was sure she loved him too. He wanted to start his life with her, no matter what anyone said.
"Aj!" he yelled smiling when he saw her window slowly opening from the second story.
Aj saw Eric standing outside looking up at her. Her long light brown hair fell at past her shoulders, she stood in gym shorts and a cotton white tank top. Her hazel eyes fixed on his.
"Aj! C'mon, lets go, get out of here so we can get married in Vegas, let's just go. I love you!" he sang.
"Shhh!" Aj giggled putting her index finger to her lips. She turned to look at her locked door.
"C'mon Aj, please... marry me?" Eric asked looking up at her sitting on her window sill.
She looked down at Eric, and smiled a true smile, one that she didn't know she had.
"Tonight?" he asked back at her.
She nodded and laughed. "Tonight, I'll be down in a second."
Eric laughed, he was happy, he threw his fist in the air, and made a howl at the moon, like a were-wolf, there was nothing in this world he could ever want more than Aj. There was thunder and lightning.
Aj closed the window and started packing, throwing everything in her backpack and grabbing her wallet, she grabbed her iPod, threw in some shoes, PJs, clothes. She pulled on some jeans and another tank top, she threw her favorite white jacket with small poka dots into her bag. She grabbed everything she knew she would need and the hell with all the rest. She opened her window.
"Catch," she whispered and threw her black backpack down, Eric caught it with one hand. She smiled and then climbed out of her window and didn't bother to shut it. She caught the edge of the roof. Eric tossed the bag in his car and stood under her as she fell, he caught her. They both laughed quietly, then his mouth came down to meet hers.
"We'd better go, before my parents realize I'm gone." Aj smiled and kissed him again.
"You're right, your dad is probably loading up the shotgun as we speak." He grinned and they started the car, they both got in. He had just started backing up when Aj's father came out running.
"Stop!" Aj said as he kept backing up. "I need to talk to him, just one more time." She was shaking not only from the rain but also from the rage of her father. She got out.
"Aj..." Eric said taking her hand lightly. "You're still going to marry me." He said it as a statement because it was not longer a question he refused to love anyone else.
She squeezed his hand.
"Aj Baliee Sage, what the hell has gotten into you?!" Her father shouted. When Aj made her way back onto the driveway. "What are you thinking?!" her father yelled through pure rage, he was red in the face. His hands curled into fists at his sides. "You listen to me little girl, you are going to get upstairs to your room and you are going to stay there. I'm so suprised at you Aj!" he was having trouble breathing. "You are grounded, sometimes I wish you were Katherine. She's was so much better, she's-"
There he went, again. Katherine had been Aj's older sister who was killed by a drunk driver on her way home from college. Aj felt like she'd been burned and her heart sank at his words. Katherine's perfect image flashed in her mind. The perfect sister, daughter, girlfriend. Long, black, curly hair, aqua blue eyes, pale skin, tall, skinny.
"Daddy... Katherine, is gone. She's gone!" Aj tried so hard to keep eye contact with her father but his face was turning different colors of rage. "I love you, but you can't talk to me like that anymore. I've grown up a long time ago I'm already 18 years old. I'm not a child. I love Eric! I want to marry him, and if you won't give me away... I'm leaving Daddy. Eric is the one I want to be with. Katherine would have been thrilled to see me happy but, you hate it." Aj started to turn around when her father hit her, hard, Aj gasped as the blow had now begun to sting; she stars, and the hit had brought tears to her eyes.
"You leave this house Aj, you will never be welcomed back!" He shouted.
Aj let tears spill over as the rain had began to seep through her skin. He had never hit her, her mother was the only one who had really cared. But she'd never been hit before.
Eric got out of the car, ready to deck Aj's father, no one was going to hurt her, and he was not going to hide. He got out glaring at her father charging. Eric would kill the man with his bare hands.
"Eric, no." She said taking his hand. "I understand. I'm making a choice and your no part of it. Goodbye, Daddy." She said as a hand print began to make its mark on her pale face. She let tears fall as she and Eric got into the car and sped away...

the crystal clear rain

I could do without "crystal clear" because really, rain isn't.

"Aj!" He yelled smiling when he saw her window slowly opening from the second story.

Aj opened her window and saw Eric standing outside looking up at her.

You repeat about her opening the window, that can be cut.

"Aj Baliee Sage, what the hell has gotten into you!" Her father shouted. "You listen to me you [s]stuid[/s] stupid, stupid little fool, you are going to get upstairs to your room and you are going to stay there. You are grounded, sometimes I wish you were Katherine. She's so much better, she's-"

Not only does the first bit sound really prenatally cliché but then hearing him say "you stupid, stupid little fool" is even worse. I don't think any parent would say that. Fool is a word hardly used anymore as a real insult. Why not go for something more gritty? And overall, make the dialogue more realistic.

I think the idea is a good one - even if it is cliché - but it needs to be worked a lot more. Right now it is bare bones. I don't know these characters, so I don't care about whether they go and get married or not. I don't know who Katherine is either, so why does it bother me that her dad is like that? Since I don't know who these characters are and I cannot feel what they feel, I care less about them, and this gives your story less of an impact. Try to characterize them and make them real. Check out the character development usergroup for help with this.

Also, try to give it more emotion. Instead of telling us that Eric was happy, can you show us? Is he jumping up and down, dancing, laughing wildly? More than showing us - make us feel like he does. Telling us he is happy is meaningless if you don't show us he is happy too. Show, don't tell. ^_~

It's a good outline for a story I think, but it needs a lot of fluffing up and filling out. Good luck! If you have any questions, feel free to message me.

This is a good start.

Hope this critique is helpful!

Eric threw a rock at her window the rain was pouring and he knew that her parents wouldn't let him in.

This is a run on sentence. It would be much more normal if it was written. "The rain poured down mercilessly, soaking the teenage boy's thin cotton shirt. He picked up a rock and threw it at the girl's window. [i]There's no way her parents are letting me in[i], he thought to himself."
See? The sentence fluency is better and it is much more interesting. At least split up the fragment- "Eric threw a rock at the window. The...."

The black cotton of it pressing itself against his chest, ribs, and belly button.

This isn't a sentence. It is a fragment. It needs to be added after you first introduce the fact that his shirt is wet: "Eric's black cotton shirt was wet; it suction uncomfortably to his skin." or something like that

He was determined to marry her, no matter what her parents said.

I fixed the spelling error here. Typos happen to the best of us.

"Aj!" He yelled

Remember, whatever comes after part of a dialogue is not capitalized: Shold be,
"Aj!" he yelled.
You do this sveral times in your piece.

a her hazel eyes fixed on his

I think you meant to type, "and her hazel eyes were fixed upon his"

"Tonight?" He asked back at her.

Should be:
"Tonight?" he asked back at her."

She was shaking not only from the rain but also from the rage of her father

You need the word also here

He said it as a statement because it was not longer a question, since he refused to love anyone else.

I fixed the typo here. The sentence also needs the comma and "since" that I added.

You are grounded, sometimes I wish you were Katherine. She's was so much better, she's-"

Two things here:
After grounded you need a semi colon instead of a comma
"She's was"... should just be written "she's" or "she was"

Katherine had been Aj's older sister who was killed by a drunk driver on her way home from Collage

-Collage should be "college"
-College shouldn't be capitalized unless you are refering to a specific college.

she stars, and the hit had brang tears to her eyes.

-She stars? What does that mean? Did you want to say, "she saw stars"?
-Correct grammar is: The hit had brought tears to her eyes. Brang isn't a word. XD

This was good. It leaves the reader wanting more.

You just need to change a few nit-picks.

-Sakura

thanks so much for the crits, very helpful

Hey, October Girl! Long time, no see. How have you been? Haven't talked to you in ages... But anyway, on with the review!

Eric threw a rock at her window the rain was pouring and he knew that her parents wouldn't let him in.

This sentence is sort of a run-on. Maybe try: Eric threw a rock at her window as the rain poured down on top of him. He knew her parents wouldn't let him in so this was his only option. or something like that.

Her long light brown hair fell at past her shoulders, she stood in gym shorts and a cotton white tank top, a her hazel eyes fixed on his.

I would cut out the "a" after "top" here

Aj started to turn around when her father hit her, hard, Aj gasped as the blow had now begun to sting; she stars, and the hit had brang tears to her eyes.

Omgosh, what a rude, rude man! I can't believe he did that! And why isn't her boyfriend defending her! He just sat in the car! I would try to explain all theset things more clearly.
Also, I think you mean "brought" instead of "brang"

~ ~ ~ ~

Wow, this is so sad... I can't believe that her father would just smack her and ditch her like that.

My advice with this: Work on detail and elaborating with your character's thoughts. I still don't understand Eric. If he loves her so much, why wouldn't he defend her instead of just sitting in the idling car? Things like this need to be answered.

Good luck with this!

so just asking, should I continue this???

Hey, I hope this helps some!

The black cotton of it pressing itself against his chest, ribs, and belly button.

Change "pressing" to "pressed". Or even better, to get a better metal picture, change it to "plastered."

He stood 6'2, his hair was nothing but black glossy curls.

First of all: Change "6'2" to "six foot two" or "six-two", whichever you prefer. Remember that if a number is below 21, it needs to be spelled out. Second: Delete the "was". And why did you put "nothing" in there? You don't really need it. Try something like this:

He stood erect at six foot two, his thick, glossy black curls sodden in the rain.

He was determinded to marry her, no matter what her parents said.

Spelling error. Needs to be "determined."

"Aj!" He yelled smiling when he saw her window slowly opening from the second story

Is her name, like, A. J.? As in the letters? You don't have to, but you might want to change it to "AJ" to avoid confusion.

Her long light brown hair fell at past her shoulders, she stood in gym shorts and a cotton white tank top, a her hazel eyes fixed on his.

You might want to change the comma to a semi-colon, to make it into two separate sentences, and yet make it flow just as easy.

"Aj! C'mon, lets go, lets get out of here so we can get married in Vegas, let's just go. I Love you!" He sang.

Okay, here we go. Firstly: In the first two "let's" you need an apostrophe between the t and the s. Kay? Second: Make this comma a period and capitalize the first letter of the next word. Third: Lowercase the l on "love". Same with the h in "he".

Eric laughed, he was happy, he threw his fist in the air, and made a howl at the moon, like a were-wolf.

Rewrite: Eric laughed triumphantly. He was happy, he was going to get married at last! He threw his first in the air and howled at the moon like a werewolf.

Then, there was thunder and lightning.

Get rid of the comma in there.

She closed the window and started packing, . . .

Change "she" to "AJ", since we're switching perspectives.

She pulled on some jeans and another tank top, she threw her favorite white jacket with small poka-dots into her bag.

Minor error. Change "poka-dots" to "polka dots."

"Catch." She whispered and threw her black backpack down, Eric caught it with one hand. She smiled and then climbed out of her window and didn't bother to shut it. She caught the edge of the roof, Eric tossed the bag in his car and stood under her as she fell, he caught her. They both laughed quietly, then his mouth came down to meet hers.

This is really cute! *ahem* Other than that, you need to change a few tiny little errors. First, you tend to mistake periods for commas, and vice versa. So where a comma is in bold, change it to a comma, and where a comma is in bold, change it to a period.

He said it as a statment because it was not longer a question he refused to love anyone else.

Spelling error. "statement."

She smiled and nodded.

Okay, I know she's in complete teenager bliss cause she's gonna get married, but I would not be smiling if my deranged father was charging toward me like a mad hippo. I'd be scared but somewhat resolved.

"Aj Baliee Sage, what the hell has gotten into you?!" Her father shouted. "What are you thinking?! You listen to me little girl, you are going to get upstairs to your room and you are going to stay there. You are grounded, sometimes I wish you were Katherine. She's was so much better, she's-"

This whole paragraph needs to be changed. Try:

"AJ! AJ Baliee Sage, what the heck has gotten into you?!" her father roared. He stomped at the ground, his face white and taut with anger and hurt. "What are you thinking? You listen to me, little girl -" He emphasized those two hurtful words - "you are going to get upstairs to your room and you are going to stay there. You are ground till you die!" He ran a hand over his face and through his hair, his eyes wide. "Sometimes I wish you were like Katherine. She was better, she behaved, she's-"

Or, uh, something like that.

"Daddy, I love you, but you can't talk to me like that anymore. I'm already 18 years old and... I love Eric. I'm leaving Daddy." Aj started to turn around when her father hit her, hard, Aj gasped as the blow had now begun to sting; she stars, and the hit had brang tears to her eyes.

Sorry, but this is cliche. Rewrite:

"Daddy," AJ started timidly. She hated hurting her father, but hurting Eric would be worse. "Daddy, I love you, so much. But you can't talk to me like that anymore. I'm an adult, I'm eighteen and . . . I love Eric." She straightened, strengthened by those words. "I'm leaving, Dad."
She started to turn when her father hit her - hard. AJ gasped and clutched at her face. She could hear Eric starting to get out of the car; she stood, seeing stars, and tears running down her stinging face.

OVERALL: This is a good start. It was moving and it drew me in. But it happened so fast. Like: he came, she left, dad came, lovers left. Bam. I think you need a little elaboration to draw the story out a little. Just a little. Don't get to carried away.

Anyway, it's good and I want to read more! PM me when the next one's up!

~Sunny

That is one of the best stories you ever did. But I am having a feeling that you put in extra adjectives this time for example:

the crystal clear rain

You don't really need to describe it that much.

You also should correct

Eric threw a rock at her window the rain was pouring and he knew that her parents wouldn't let him in.

INTO

try: Eric threw a rock at her window as the rain poured down him. He knew her parents wouldn't let him in so this was his only

I liked this story a lot, It was awsome! and a interestingromantic story.

So shall I continue this? Or not?

Continue you it if you want.

I find the best thing to do when I have an idea is to simply write. I don't outline or anything. I just start typing and see where it takes me.

Start writing and see where it goes! I think that is the best part of writing- watching your story evolve.

If you wrote more, I would definitely critique it. ^_^

So take a chance and write this story!

Hope this helped,
~~Sakura~~

I loved how you brought so much details into the characters! It really brings the picture into my head.

The dialouge really helps as well because I think good dialouge can really bring out a story line. I also liked how you made me feel connected with the characters. I'm not sure how but you did... almost like I knew them but wanted to get to know them so much more!

Great job and keep up the good work!!

Hello there!

I enjoyed reading this. It was sweet and enjoyable.
I heard your idea being called a 'cliche', and I'd just like to say that I don't find it a cliche-it's a classic idea with lots of room for originality down the line.

I like the characters of Eric and Aj. You really draw the reader in wit them. Well done there!

I think that this is a lovely piece that can be fantastic as you write more. Be assured, if you continue this story, I'll be right here to review!!

Keep writing!