love peom "will You"

this is a poem that i wrote in 7th grade

Will You

"Will you hold me when im down
will you kiss me when im sad
will you piss me of then kiss me till i forgive you
will you make my day all better
when things go wrong
will you hold me when i cry
will you go threw everything with me
will you help me survive
will you love me forever
And will you be my one and only lover"

that not the oringinal but it one of them
i have more i will put up later

will you go [s]threw[/s] everything with me

through

I have to say, this is more of a grocery list of what you want from someone than an actual poem. Why not explain more of each (or a few) of your requests? Why do you want this from someone, and how would it make you feel? Try to get away from simply telling/asking, and move towards describing something that is either emotional or physical, something that can be more tangible or imagined by the reader.

Hope this helps!

Hey there! Posting old work isn't always the best of plans because it's difficult to advise someone who has probably advanced beyond the level of skill being exhibited but I'll do what I can:

Punctuation

Everywhere you have 'im' it should be I'm and you need to add punctuation to this piece so that it's firstly easier to read and secondly because it's much more professional and easier on the eyes. You've got a lot of questions that are missing question marks or you could use commas in some places.

Repetition

The repetition of 'will you' gets very dull after a while and makes your poem very much like a list. Try to mix your syntax up occasionally and add other lines in between. This is easily done by selecting a few of the issues and delving deeper, adding similes and metaphors to the question. For example, if I take one of your lines you could actually write a whole stanza on just that:

When I cry bloated tears
made plump from another's indulgence;
those gluttons feasting on my pain -
will you offer me a shoulder
to weep against?

It still won't provide you with the best of poetry but it's a good place to start until you feel more confident to delve deeper into the obscure.

Content

There's a lot of almost 'chain letter' style poetry written around the subject of love but ask yourself, is that really what your readers want to see? There's a much wider audience hungering for heart-felt stories that touch upon a more personal level, for something a little more unusual. The content of your poem is as important as the plot of a novel so think carefully. Poetry can express a story or an emotion or even just a vague ideal but choosing to write one on love is a challenge. There's a thousand other poems out there expressing the same emotion and you have to really strain to show why yours should be read and cherished above the others. Dopes it show a new twist, an interesting view of love or is it particularly beautiful in the way its written?

Just a few things for you to think about. I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx