You Are Loved

So instead of buying their Christmas presents this year, I'm going to give all my close friends this
poem along with a list of 10 things I love about them. Now, I'm not trying to make this poem of
literary worth, I just wanted it to mean something to them. Plus, I want them to be able to understand
what I'm getting at. So if anything's unclear, please tell me! I'll be sending these out sometime next week. Thanks!

Hello, my friend, I have your present here.
I’ve been making it for Christmas this entire year.
You see, I’ve watched you closely and seen the good you do.
Now I think it’s time the good returned to you.
I hope that through the challenges you meet,
before you begin to give in to defeat,
you’ll pull out this list of things I love about you,
and remember you’re not only loved by me,
but by your Heavenly Father too.
So I didn’t write this just to show what you’re made of,
I guess the real message would be,
You Are Loved.

Wow! I really enjoyed this! Here are a few... suggestions.

This messes up the whole rhyming scheme. Try to make all of the rhyming schemes the same. You did doubles up until now, when you skipped a line before rhyming.

you’ll pull out this list of things I love about you,
and remember you’re not only loved by me,
but by your Heavenly Father too.

This is amazing. It's good to change the rhyme scheme right at the end, (I know I am contradicting myself) so it sounds amazing.

So I didn’t write this just to show what you’re made of,
I guess the real message would be,
You Are Loved.

I think if you're wanting to introduce a list of reasons for being loved, this fits nicely.

Now I think it’s time the good was returned to you.

[s]So[/s] I didn’t write this just to show what you’re made of,

It sounds a little silly, I have to admit, because the rhyme scheme is so easy, but what is worse is the very end because you break the rhyme scheme. Maybe if you said something like "you are loved by me" and that would make it rhyme, but then you'd be repeating yourself...Hmmm So I have no idea! Maybe you can figure it out.

Oh well. I'm sure your friends will enjoy it, and I hope they do!

This is a really cute gift and normally I'm not for the bubble-gum rhyming style of poetry but it's fitting here. I'll give you a quick line by line, show your where your rhythm is a little out:

Hello, my friend, I have your present here.
I’ve been making it for Christmas this entire year.

[Okay so let's take your first couplet. Line number one is ten syllables, a pretty good number I may add, while line two has twelve so it's out of beat. This style of poetry works best with shorter lines of five, eight or ten beats. I'd suggest:

Hello my friend, your gift is here,
took me the work of a whole year.

You see, I’ve watched you closely and seen the good you do.
Now I think it’s time the good returned to you.

[This time your first line is too long so some more suggestions:

I've watched you closely, seen the good you do
and now it's time that be returned to you.

I hope that through the challenges you meet,
before you begin to give in to defeat,

[Both ten syllables. Excellent =)]

you’ll pull out this list of things I love about you,
and remember you’re not only loved by me,
but by your Heavenly Father too.
So I didn’t write this just to show what you’re made of,
I guess the real message would be,
You Are Loved.

[Here is where you lose the pattern a little. I'd suggest not changing your rhyme scheme because it throws the reader. That first line could do with being shortened and then you need a line to match it. Have a go for yourself but if you'd like suggestions, feel free to drop me a pm.]

Next Time

So you have a deadline for this poem which is why I haven't suggested any radical changes but as a tip for next time, try writing in the common metre if you want to go with a structured poem. It's very simple, your first and third lines should both be eight syllables and rhyme with each other and your second and fourth lines should be six syllables long and rhyme with each other. It creates a really nice alternating pattern through your stanzas and helps to keep the rhythm constant.

Good luck with the gifting!

Heather xx

Thanks! I'm really more of a free-style poet (as is plenty evident) so this information's great stuff! Thanks again for all your comments!

--Anna

Hello, my friend, I have your present here.
I’ve been making it for Christmas this entire year. Did you really write it entire year? If you want to give a present to close friends, please be truthful.
You see, I’ve watched you closely and seen the good you do.
Now I think it’s time the good returned to you. Love it.
I hope that through the challenges you meet, :
before you begin to give in to defeat, :
you’ll pull out this list of things I love about you, :
and remember you’re not only loved by me, :
but by your Heavenly Father too. : Sentence too long. I lost myself in it a couple of time.
So I didn’t write this just to show what you’re made of,
I guess the real message would be,
You Are Loved.[/quote] What's the point of the last column?

It sucks in a literal plan (but that's just my opinion). However it's a great gift for Christmas. I'm glad to see when someone is NOT buying expensive gifts for Christmas but just writes a simple but honest letter to show who's a real friend and who is not...

Aw I adore this.
I would feel so loved if my friends wrote for me.
I like the rhymes.
They flow, they arent forced, thats good.

I'm sure you must have lovely friends.

--Trina.

Okay. Iam not exactly sure what to critique in this poem. I'm so sorry. Ihave not learned a lot about how to correct little things in every poem. I wish I knew, but I will tell you this. I think this little message is a good thing to tell your dear friends that have been there for you. I think it is a nice thing to say, especially getting into the Christmas season. I like the way you put religion into your poem because not only are you telling people thank you and that you love them, you are also spreading the word. It's not that you have to talk a lot about it. If you say one thing about Christianity, more people may ask and you can be helping someone in many ways. Thank you for writing and I'm glad I read your poem. And this is still something sweet to tell ANYONE, not just your friends.

Right, well this was the random piece of fiction at the top of the page, so even though it was ages ago that you posted this, and you probably don't need help with it anymore, I am here I feel morally obliged <is strange>

Seeing as you won't be in need of a critique anymore this will be very short

So I thought this was a really nice idea.. and different from the usual presents. I like it

The poem, as you said, isn't hugely poetic, but it's nice, it's got a good flow and it's cute. xD

I hope your friend liked it.

Anyway, this critique is shorter than I anticipated, and I must dash for some breakfast

~Kirsten xxx

aw this was really sweet that's such a good idea for a present! i loved the poem and you only had like a few minor errors that i'm not gonna bother saying.

totally keep up the good writing!!!1

~rothwise