Never Danced

I'm your best friend
but now she is too.
Here's where the big problem comes in
We are both in love with you

The only thing that's different
About her and I,
Is that I've never danced with you
I've never even tried

She is holding your heart
Right in the palm of her hand
And you're just falling through my fingers
Like tiny grains of sand.

She had no clue what was going on,
When things almost ended between you two.
And when you tried to go to her instead of me,
I was right there waiting for you.

I know I love you better and more,
But for the sake of your happiness
I am willing to let you go,
But not without your best wish.

The only wish I have for you,
As you go find true love
Is that you might come back to me,
After recieving signs from above.

And when I go to sleep tonight,
You're right there in my dreams.
Soft, romantic music plays
While we dance the night away.

So will you take my good advice
And just give us a try?
I'll love you until the end.
And dance with you each night.

This is a nice poem, made me think of my three best friends. The emotions are conveyed quite nicely in this, so I have no problem with that. Now, time to get to the technical stuff.

In you second verse, 'I' and 'tried' don't really rhyme. In the fourth verse, it's completely different from the structure of the other verses, so it looks quite strange. You have a habit of slipping with punctuation, something that I need to fix as well. Other than that, I don't really have anything to say. Great work with this!

This was really beautiful, Em. Gold star.

I agree with WaterVapor on the punctuation. It's not consistent, and it needs to be. If you don't, it will confuse people when the read it most of the time. I know it did for me.

I'm your best friend
but now she is too.
Here's where the big problem comes in
We are both in love with you

This stanza was great to start the poem off, and I liked it the best. Good job!

thanks you guys.

Hello Emmy!

Ready and waiting to save you

I have to say I really thought the ending would tie in to dancing! And when it didn't, I was a little disappointing. I think it would be a nice bang if you found a way to do that, perhaps he comes back to give her a final dance?

I enjoyed stanza three the most, I think. It was so beautiful, and the metaphor is perfect. Maybe you can expand on that more?

Now for the things I do think should be fixed:

Punctuation: You did punctuate, but not enough I think. For example, the first and second stanza are sort of left on their own, and grammatically, they're run ons. Adding punctuation will help your reader know how to read the lines, and make it a lot clearer.

Rhyming: In some places, you rhymed, and in others you didn't. I think if you're going to make a rhyme scheme, you should use it through the whole poem, which I know is really hard! But if done correctly, it can be amazing. It just seems strange that stanza three rhymes so well, but then stanza four falls apart both with stanza length consistence, and rhyming.

Emotions!: You have a lot of emotions in this poem, but you don't show a lot of them. You talk to this other person - which is good - but you also need to show, not just tell. I think your third stanza did this the best, and that's why I like it so much. Don't just talk about what is going on between the narrator, him, and the other girl. Make me feel it, too!

If you have any questions, feel free to ask and good luck!

Thanks for the advice, Suzanne. I'll look into fixing things like that in future things.

emmyc101 wrote:I'm your best friend
but now she is too.
Here's where the big problem comes in
We are both in love with you

The only thing that's different
About her and I,
Is that I've never danced with you
I've never even tried

She is holding your heart
Right in the palm of her hand
And you're just falling through my fingers
Like tiny grains of sand.

She has no clue what's going on
You never tell her, just me.
And when you tried to hurt yourself,
I was right there ready
Ready waiting to save you,
While she still had no clue.

I know I love you better and more,
But for the sake of your happiness
I am willing to let you go,
But not without your best wish.

The only wish I have for you,
As you go find true love
Is that you might come back to me,
After recieving signs from above.

I absolutely love the third stanza! But I'm not sure wether you made this poem rhyme or not. It rhymes in a pattern in some stanzas then not in others. Anyway, I think it was good. You grasp the message and emotion easily.

Hey there!
Just a few things:

emmyc101 wrote:I'm your best friend
but now she is too.
Here's where the big problem comes in
We are both in love with you

(I like the rhyming here)

The only thing that's different
About her and I,
(I don't think the her and I really works, and it doesn't rhyme with "tried". I think you should either change this as I like the last line)
Is that I've never danced with you
I've never even tried

She is holding your heart
Right in the palm of her hand
And you're just falling through my fingers
Like tiny grains of sand.

(very good use of imagery here XD)

She has no clue what's going on
You never tell her, just me.
And when you tried to hurt yourself,
I was right there ready1
I don't like this repetition of "ready". At least add a comma after the first one)
Ready waiting to save you,
While she still had no clue.

(Why suddenly 6 lines instead of 4? Is there any way to spilt this into two or shorten it? I do like the story you're telling here though)

I know I love you better and more,
But for the sake of your happiness
I am willing to let you go,
But not without your best wish.

(No more rhyming? I really liked it, it adds rhythm and makes the poem flow better. It loses that effect when you only use it on a few stanzas)

The only wish I have for you,
As you go find true love
Is that you might come back to me,
After recieving signs from above.

(Nice ending)

Hey there dear, Stella here!

Okay, so this totally reminds me of a situation I was in a few months ago. I was convinced I was in love with a friend, but he was going out with another friend. But he used to confide in me and I couldn't hate the girl he was with because she was so nice. Totally over it now. But if this poem is true, then I know exactly where you're coming from.

The only thing that's different
About her and I,
Is that I've never danced with you
I've never even tried

This is my favourite stanza.

She has no clue what's going on
You never tell her, just me.
And when you tried to hurt yourself,
I was right there ready
Ready waiting to save you,
While she still had no clue.

This throws off your rhyming scheme and didn't really work for me. Maybe you should try making up a new verse for that last couplet at the end, for the sake of continuity? Poetry is different from fiction in the sense that it's all to do with opinion, but I think that it would be better as two uniform stanzas than one out-of-place one.

But not without your best wish.

I don't think there's enough syllables here.

Overall, it worked . You've got a good flow going on. The first two opening stanzas were my favourite bit.

Hope I helped and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

Hi there, Emmy!

emmyc101 wrote:I'm your best friend
but now she is too.
Here's where the big problem comes in Too many words, it breaks the flow. Also, this is plainly phrased – I bet you could come up with a more interesting way to say this.
We are both in love with you

I don't really care for obvious things in poetry. "Best friend" and "in love" are so plain and used expressions, I'd try to avoid them the best I could.

The only thing that's different
About her and I,
Is that I've never danced with you
I've never even tried By this, I believe the narrator means "I haven't had a chance". Since "I" and "tried" don't really rhyme, I think you could polish the idea and, at the same time, make the rhyming better.

She is holding your heart
Right in the palm of her hand
And you're just falling through my fingers
Like tiny grains of sand.

This stanza is my favourite – it has some imagery in it, which the previous ones haven't had. It's also pretty and rhymes well.

She has no clue what's going on
You never tell her, just me. Does this mean "You never tell her, you only tell me" or "You never tell her, and that's why I must tell her"? I think you should clear that out, but of course, don't be that in-your-face.
And when you tried to hurt yourself,
I was right there ready
Ready waiting to save you, I think you could ditch the "ready" in this line.
While she still had no clue.

I know I love you better and more,
But for the sake of your happiness
I am willing to let you go,
But not without your best wish. Huh?

This stanza could have expressed more the will of letting him go. How does it feel? Is it easy? Is it hard?

The only wish I have for you,
As you go find true love
Is that you might come back to me,
After recieving signs from above. It should be "receiving".

With this stanza, I felt you were just trying to make it rhyme, not really thinking about anything else. It shows, because this is somewhat awkward and it almost slips to not making sense.

Overall:
The thing I liked best in this poem was that I think everyone can connect with this, and relate to the narrator. At least I could, even though I'm still the one who's danced with him.
Like Suzanne said, you could have so much more emotion to it. Go wild; try to really, really chew the subject. How does something feel? Is there something that feels the same? How could you describe it? In how many ways could you say it?
I don't usually write poems that rhyme. I don't mean you shouldn't, either, but there's always risks when writing a rhyming poem. The main reason I don't do it is that I'm afraid I'll lose the idea just because I have to make it rhyme with something. And if I finally come up with a proper rhyme, I can't help thinking, "How much better could this stanza have been if I haven't had to make it rhyme?"

Good luck with all your writing and see you around!


Demeter xxx

Thanks for all the help guys.

I really liked that... a guy has two girl bestfriends but your thinking that you are the better one. I really don't know poetry I just wanted to try to critique one but if it is like writing stories then you need some more periods in there. I'm probably wrong though but Great Job! Keep Writing.

emmyc101 wrote:I'm your best friend
but now she is too.
Here's where the big problem comes in
We are both in love with you

The only thing that's different
About her and I,
Is that I've never danced with you
I've never even tried

She is holding your heart
Right in the palm of her hand
And you're just falling through my fingers
Like tiny grains of sand.

The three stanza's above are by far my favorite and your imagery is amazing!

She has no clue what's going on
You never tell her, just me.
And when you tried to hurt yourself,
I was right there ready
Ready waiting to save you,
While she still had no clue.

I know I love you better and more,
But for the sake of your happiness
I am willing to let you go,
But not without your best wish.

I also love this stanza above, the reason being is that the self sacrifice and message given out is extremely strong and powerful.

The only wish I have for you,
As you go find true love
Is that you might come back to me,
After recieving signs from above. receiving not recieving

The end of the poem is fantastic and ending a poem like this does make you think about the poem harder and appreciate it!

[b]

Really well done and I wish you luck and can't wait to read more of your work, also, wow! I can't believe you are only 13! You have great potential Em and don't let anyone or anything stand in your way! Good luck,

~ Hayley