Pomegranate Seeds iii (their world)

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iii
(their world)

She shares his bed now, but they’ve never lain together as husband and wife. She sits with him now, on an ebony throne to match his, as people appeal to him. She eats with him now, lying on a low couch and shying away whenever he tries to place a grape in her mouth. They are together and yet she doesn’t believe any two people have ever been more apart.
She can see it irritating him this evening. He paces up and down the hall, whereas she sits on the throne in the clothes he has dressed her in, a bone-coloured dress and a black shawl, her hair pinned away from her neck by one of their subjects. The mortal woman seemed tired, resigned. She was middle-aged, with huge bags under her eyes and thin hair. Looking in the mirror, Persephone could see everything that was missing on the day she spoke with Aphrodite, the rose in her cheeks had returned, her hair shone once again and when comparing herself to the mortal serving-woman, she realised that she will never look as if she belongs anywhere again. She is dead in the living world and yet in the world of the dead she is very much alive.
He has his hand in his mouth, biting at his dirty nails. She tries hard to see what he is thinking but doesn’t know him well enough. She considers voicing her thoughts, but decides against it.
At last, he pauses in his pacing and turns to her, the shining black eyes glinting out of the shadows.
“It has to stop,” he says finally, with a resigned sigh.
“What does?” she asks, hoping that her voice does not betray her, for she knows what he is talking about.
“This,” he says and waves his hands in the air. “Us. We can’t continue, Persephone.” Whenever he says her name, it’s like a knife through the ribs. He uses it rarely, she’s noticed, but not as rarely as she names him. She barely speaks to him.
There is something of vanity in her now, she knows. Pride. Before she was humble and modest but now she knows she is the haughty and beautiful queen. She raises her head a little higher in reply to him.
“You see?” he says, beginning a little angrily. “You will not even say a word to me! Am I so repulsive that even my own wife refuses my company? You are as cold as the North Wind to me, and yet…” his voice softens and his eyes glisten in the dark as he looks her way. “And yet I know you capable of so much warmth. Why won’t you show me that?” She realises that his eyes are full of tears, not just firelight. He walks, nearly runs up the dais to her and takes her pale hand in his.
“Can you never love me?” he asks, and though the question is one of resignation, he seems hopeful.
She meets his eyes and is forced to look away. She bites her lip, for she knows he is wonderful. He treats her better than any queen should be and has never touched her except to take her hand or stroke her hair. He is kind to his pitiful kingdom, he is thoughtful and he rarely loses his temper. And he loves her. Eros has made sure of that.
But loyal to her mother and herself, she stands up and pushes past him, making her way down the hall.
“I shall send for Hermes,” he says, sitting down. “I have tried before and I will try again. I release all hold on you. Perhaps you will be happy stuck in winter beneath summer sun.” He rubs his tired eyes. “Go to bed, this shall be the last night you will have to bear in my halls.”
She continues down the hallway, confused. She wants to be joyful at his words, but something restricts her.
“I wish you could love me, my queen,” he says, quietly.
She turns to look at him, and finally replies, “So do I.”
She retires and pretends to sleep that night when he comes in and presses his lips against the crown of her head. “I will miss you, my little queen,” he murmurs. Then he rolls over and they both lie awake, knowing that the other only pretends to sleep.
She eventually dozes off into an uneasy slumber filled with bad dreams, and wakes to see the eerie light of underground hanging over her. The bed beside her is empty, and she feels strangely cold for it.
She rises and dresses herself in soft grey folds of silk and walks down the corridor to the throne chamber. She can hear raised voices, as she did that fateful day when she ate the pomegranate.
“Please just take her!” Her husband’s voice is filled with anger. “I can bear it no longer. Her unhappiness, it agonizes me, it kills me. Please. Take her home to her mother.”
“Only one of the six months is past-” Hermes begins calmly.
“I do not care!” Hades shouts. “I can’t take it! Take her somewhere where she is happy and I can rest in that thought.”
There is echoing silence for a minute, but then the messenger says, with the hint of mischief that is his signature, “Perhaps you should try to make her happy here.”
There is a sound as the king sits in his throne again. “I have tried. I have. But she will not… cannot…” he trails off in misery and she feels a pang, an aching in her heart, and knows that his pain is her fault, and no matter how much she may deny it, she can cure him.
“I am afraid there is nothing I can do. The laws are clear. I am sorry, friend.” He sounds genuine, sympathetic, affectionate. She peeks round the corner, and Hades flicks a hand at him.
“Go. I am sure you have other errands.”
The messenger clicks his heels, bows, then flies away. She is silent in her hiding place around the corner, until he says, “I know you are there, my queen.”
She turns the corner and curtsies to him. “My lord,” she says. “I was coming to greet you.”
“I have tried,” he says, gesturing at the tunnel that Hermes has just flown through. “I am sorry.”
Neither of them speak for a while. He does not meet her eye, only looks down at his own bony toes protruding from beneath his robe. Suddenly, she sees him no longer as the god to be hated and feared for what he has done to her, but as a broken-hearted and broken-spirited man who wants something simple off her that she refuses to give. Refuses to, for she knows in her heart that it is a lie to say that she can never love him. He is kind and beautiful and more than somebody as selfish as her should deserve.
So as an answer, her heart prompts her to move towards him and with a whispered “thank you” she presses her lips against his. It is the lightest of kisses, but suddenly she is left wanting more. A hunger fills his glittering eyes, which she can see he immediately suppresses.
She gives the tiniest of nods, strange new emotion flooding her body.
He grabs her by the waist and presses her to him, as if hoping they will become one entity. But rather than push away in disgust as she may have done another time, she lets her own instincts rule her, curling his thick black locks in her fingers and holding his head against hers, prolonging the kiss for as long as she can. For though she would not admit it, she realises that below her apparent hatred her desire for him has been prickling for a while now and all she lets herself do this.
They break apart, and looking into the eyes the shade of darkest night, she cannot think of anywhere she would rather be. Then she does what she has not in a very long time and curls her lips into a smile.
“Are you sure?” he asks her softly, brushing a strand of hair off her face with rough fingers.
“You’re my husband, aren’t you?” she answers back. “Shouldn’t a husband and wife love each other?”
He stares in amazement. “And do you love me?”
She pauses for a moment, considering, but the answer that has been hidden for so long is suddenly as clear as dazzling sunlight.
“I think I do. I think I just denied it. But… I think…” she frowns, looking back. “That first time you held me when I swallowed the seeds. I loved you then. But I hated what you had done more.”
He nods. “I will never hurt you again, my queen.”
“Nor I you, my king,” she smiles back. “For I have been hurting you, I think, more than you have been hurting me.”
He wraps his arms around her and she listens to the beating of his heart, fast and strong, and the six dead weights that have been sitting in her stomach for so long seem to melt.
“It’s funny,” she murmurs. “How this happened.”
He holds her at arm’s length and gives her a quizzical look.
“Because, in the end,” she says, settling against him once again. “They were only pomegranate seeds.”
There is a pause, then a belly laugh rises up his throat and escapes him, and she joins in. They laugh for no reason at all and laugh and laugh until their sides ache and then hand in hand, they sit in their thrones, as king and queen of the Underworld.


AN- this needs work, especially the end. Help much appreciated
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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Excellent.
I love all the emotions.
I can actually feel really really sorry for the pitiful Hades,
Even though he's been made so infamous.
And the sweet Persephone became stubborn (in admitting her feelings).
The parts mentioning Hades were really really good.
I feel like I'm him, when I'm reading your story.
He's so sweet!
Hades must thank you for putting him in such a favourable light :)
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
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Hello there :D

Alright so I read through this and really enjoyed it and then realised that there were two parts which go before it and unfortunatly I don't have time to read through them because I'm going out quite soon :(

The Content...

I thought this was very well written and most of what I had to say was about maybe adding a few more hints of what happened for those who are not too familiar with the story of Persephone eating the Pomegranate seeds, but I realise you must have done that in the other two parts :D

And the other thing which I was going to suggest was that you could maybe adda few more hints that she does really love him deep down? It seems a bit too sudden because the whole way through this part you portray her as definatly never being able to love him or care for him and then suddenly she does. So maybe just add in a few subtle hints in one or two place which might give a tiny bit of a clue so that the sequence of events flows easier?


The Ending...

I thought the ending sentence was very well done but I wasn't sure about the last part of it:
they sit in their thrones, as king and queen of the Underworld.

I think you had the chance to end brilliantly here with that sentence and you let it down slightly. I would maybe consider changing this as we already know they are King and Queen of the Underwold so it just seems a bit to bleak and obvious?

Overall...

But other than that I really enjoyed it :D your subject matter was very original and it was a different spin on the whole story. I think I'll go back and read the first two parts next time I get the chance!

I hope I helped!

Have a great Christmas!

Sofi.
'Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour but a little bit of Eternity dropped into your hands- and who knows what to do with it?'
T.W.




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Hi Stella! Sarah here.

She sits with him now, on an ebony throne to match his, as people appeal to him.

I think the second part of this sentence would sound clearer as, 'on a matching ebony throne.' Also, I'm not sure about the word use of 'appeal.' It sounds a bit vague/irrelevant. Maybe expand or replace it?

She can see it irritating him this evening.

'it' is too vague, expand?

Looking in the mirror, Persephone could see everything that was missing on the day she spoke with Aphrodite, the rose in her cheeks had returned, her hair shone once again and when comparing herself to the mortal serving-woman, she realised that she will never look as if she belongs anywhere again.

This sentence would benefit a great deal if you put a fullstop after 'Aphrodite.' Otherwise, it drags on for too long and loses its effect.

She is dead in the living world and yet in the world of the dead she is very much alive.

Nice! :D

He has his hand in his mouth, biting at his dirty nails.

This makes it sound like the hand is biting at his nails. Rephrase, 'He has his hand in his mouth and is biting at his dirty nails.

At last, he pauses in his pacing and turns to her, the shining black eyes glinting out of the shadows.

'pauses in his pacing' is a bit of awkward alliteration. Maybe 'stops his pacing.' Or something like that.

Before she was humble and modest but now she knows she is the haughty and beautiful queen.

Comma after 'before.' Also, this sentence feels like it is missing something due to the latter half. She knows she is the haughty and beautiful queen she thought she'd never be? She knows she is the haughty and beautiful queen she had strived not to become? It definately feels like there should be more, so think about expanding.

“And yet I know you capable of so much warmth.

'You' should be 'You are.'

Why won’t you show me that?” She realises that his eyes are full of tears, not just firelight.

New paragraph for the second sentence.

She turns to look at him, and finally replies, “So do I.”

It feels like the comma after 'replies' should be a fullstop.

She retires and pretends to sleep that night when he comes in and presses his lips against the crown of her head.

That = The.

She eventually dozes off into an uneasy slumber filled with bad dreams, and wakes to see the eerie light of underground hanging over her.

Bad dreams = Nightmares ? For want of something more sophisticated? And I think you should put 'the' before 'underground.'

She rises and dresses herself in soft grey folds of silk and walks down the corridor to the throne chamber.


Rephrase: She rises and dresses herself in soft grey folds of silk, walking down the corridor to the throne chamber.

There is echoing silence for a minute, but then the messenger says, with the hint of mischief that is his signature, “Perhaps you should try to make her happy here.”

Comma after says.

There is a sound as the king sits in his throne again.

Maybe instead, 'She hears a creak as the king settles down in his throne again.' Or something clearer.

Suddenly, she sees him no longer as the god to be hated and feared for what he has done to her, but as a broken-hearted and broken-spirited man who wants something simple off her that she refuses to give.

Maybe to avoid repetition of 'broken,' put: a broken-hearted and low-spirited man.

For though she would not admit it, she realises that below her apparent hatred her desire for him has been prickling for a while now and all she lets herself do this.

Comma after hatred.

They break apart, and looking into the eyes the shade of darkest night, she cannot think of anywhere she would rather be.

Break= Tear.

They laugh for no reason at all and laugh and laugh until their sides ache and then hand in hand, they sit in their thrones, as king and queen of the Underworld.

Good, but I would break it up: They laugh for no reason at all, laughing and laughing until their sides ache. Then hand in hand, they sit in their thrones. The king and queen of the Underworld.

Overall Comments

I

This was really enjoyable, Stella. The characterisation was spot on, and you really managed to show these people in different lights, delving into their personal lives; their developement was really great. I think what you could work on is maybe demonstrating her love for him more, I mean making the developement more gradual. After all, at the start of the chapter she repulsed him and then she decided that because she was hurting him, it was time to realise she did love him. Changes of feeling are great to end off stories with but you need to make it more realistic. Maybe show her thinking process more clearly when she's eavesdropping in the throne room, show why she suddenly decides she's causing him too much pain. After all, she kinda knew she was causing him pain the whole time, so why suddenly decide to relieve him of it? You could show that through monologues, thought chains, dialogue with other people, whatever. Anyway, all in all, the characters were solid and believable, and I really started to feel affinity for them.

II

For the purposes of this story, it's not really that necessary to go overboard with description. For the most part of it, you added details when needed to let the reader know what everything looked like. But sometimes, I feel this story was a bit bare on those little details that make a story real. Just try to, firstly, give a visual image of the characters through their actions. I know you've done this at the start but do try to keep it consistent, as a reminder of what the reader's meant to be seeing as they read. I would have also liked a bit more description of the surroundings, as I found you were merely saying things like 'throne', 'chamber,' without really fleshing it out and explaning a bit of what they looked like. Yes, I know I'm going a bit hard-out on you for this, so I'll stop rambling, as most of this is just personal preference.

III

Yes, I really enjoyed it. The characters were just so delightful, with all their beautiful flaws and mannerisms, I just loved their personalities and really cared about what happened to them in such a short time, which is really great. Just work a bit on choosing exactly the right words for each sentene and adding a bit more detail and description when you think your skeleton needs fleshing out a bit. Well done!

-Sarah
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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Hey.....


This piece was so much better than the last. I'm glad that persphone finally found happiness in hade and his world. He truly loves her and she truly love him.

you did so good on the emotion on this part. You can feel the emotion radiating of the couple. and hades' williness to give up persphone so she can be happy....that's my favorite part.

this was really good.

I look forward to reading more work.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Castles has reviewed you already. *rubs hands* lets see what I can do. Keep in mind I didn't read that critique, so if I repeat anything, excuse it.

She shares his bed now, but they’ve never lain together as husband and wife. She sits with him now, on an ebony throne to match his, as people appeal to him. She eats with him now, lying on a low couch and shying away whenever he tries to place a grape in her mouth. They are together and yet she doesn’t believe any two people have ever been more apart.


Very repetitive here. The first two "she"s are okay, but the third looses it's effect. The last line is okay though.

her hair pinned away from her neck by one of their subjects.


Pardon? I don't get this line.

He has his hand in his mouth, biting at his dirty nails.


After all the exposition, this feel detached. We've forgotten she was watching him.

Whenever he says her name, it’s like a knife through the ribs.


Who's ribs?

“You see?” he says, beginning a little angrily.


Try "beginning to anger." It's less of a mouthful.

Eros has made sure of that.


Past perfect would be better here.

There is echoing silence for a minute, but then the messenger says, with the hint of mischief that is his signature, “Perhaps you should try to make her happy here.”


Replace "signature" with "voice."

Refuses to, for she knows in her heart that it is a lie to say that she can never love him.


I'd replace "for" with "but" to clear this up.

So as an answer, her heart prompts her to move towards him and with a whispered “thank you” she presses her lips against his.


I don't get this. Rework. (Oh yeah, a pet peeve of mine is to have lower-cased dialogue. It throws me off that it's actually been spoken)

she realises that below her apparent hatred her desire for him has been prickling for a while now and all she lets herself do this.


After "for awhile now" is a little odd. You could stand to break up this part of the line. Or rework it.

“Are you sure?” he asks her softly, brushing a strand of hair off her face with rough fingers.


Are you sure what? This line might just be what throws off the ending, since I expected something waaay different for an ending after this.

They laugh for no reason at all and laugh and laugh until their sides ache and then hand in hand, they sit in their thrones, as king and queen of the Underworld.


So, either alter the line above or alter this one. This as itself is a good ending, just unexpected after the line above.

Characters- They gain quite a bit of richness in this part, something missing from the others. A nice finish.

Description- Nice. We don't need much more then what you've given.

Clarity- Up from the last two parts. I can understand things now!

Overall- A pretty good retelling of the myth. You've managed to put emotion into it that's lacking, and you've stuck to most of the facts.

Good job!
Last edited by Rosendorn on Sun Dec 20, 2009 10:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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"She is dead in the living world and yet in the world of the dead she is very much alive."
This is my favorite line of the entire three-part piece.

I can't say I'm a huge fan of your descriptions of her in this part. You say she's dressed plainly, and then she has the beauty of a queen. I would go more with the queen look - when she's in the Underworld, I picture her dressed in dark clothing and actually being somewhat seductive. I think that would fit well in the story here.

The story also makes Hades seem less like a broken-spirited man than a Lothario sort of character. He's a little bit creepy, in my opinion, until you say that he's a broken soul. Then when they get together at the end, he seems to seamlessly go straight back into being almost a little creepy. Give him more defining qualities earlier on that make him seem better - tough, I know, for Hades, but if you want us to accept this last part, then he can't be totally horrible.

You already recognize that the end needs work, so I'll let you get to that. They fall completely out of character in the last few paragraphs, and especially at the end. Laughter is good, but holy cow. That's a lot of laughing.

Other than that, I really really enjoyed this. Thanks!
"I wonder, what are people most afraid of? A new step, their own new word, that's what they're most afraid of." [Crime & Punishment]




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I loved this, Stella!!
Sorry it took me so long to review :(
I completely forgot :lol:
I really liked this :D
You had great description and imagery without it being too much.
Your characterization was fantastic they really seemed real.
I've got to go just now but I shall add to this later :-)
I loved it. xD
~Kirsten
xoxo
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What's the point of being a grown-up if you can't be a bit childish sometimes?
— 4th Doctor