arrogance is no excuse

arrogance is no excuse

I walked in the halls
waltzed, really,
in and out of consciousness
observing or not observing or
waking up or sleep walking
or just walking.
He wore a cheap shirt and
a grin and
obviously,
I'm out of his league.
'What's your name?'
he asks.
'And what's your friend's name?'
I say, because
really
I'm out of his league.
He laughs, though, and touches my arm-
inside I scream
who do you think you are?
Do you know whose arm this is?
Who are you to touch an arm such as mine,
even accidentally, no, no,
ignorance is no excuse.
The fact that your social caste
and my social caste
are on opposite ends of the spectrum
means you are untouchable:
so what does that make me?
But outside I smile
and walk away.
----
You guys are helpful. Don't think for a minute that you're too harsh. I changed a bunch of stuff, including the ending, but I'm not sure if I like the new one or not. I do like the beginning. Suz, you're right, this is totally open to reader interpretation, it's just that that was the idea I had while writing it.

ERm... I could go through the whole thing and pick it apart for the inevitable impossibly small nitpicky things that happen in every poem, but instead I'll say this: what did it mean?
I know what a caste is, but I am sort of confused. Did you mean that your VP girl has a very big ego and feels much too good to have physical contact of whatever type with this individual? If not, I completely missed the point of the poem and need to have my head examined. That, or it needs a little editing to make it a lot better. I hope I didn't sound too harsh, but that was my opinion....
Cheers!
--Voxina

Did you mean that your VP girl has a very big ego and feels much too good to have physical contact of whatever type with this individual?

Yes. Exactly. Not just physical contact, but any contact. I was trying to illustrate a girl defined by her clique in high school. (But you're right. It needs a lot of work.)

I actually do like this, I thought the meaning was fairly clear (although maybe if you wanted to show it as a high school girl above someone who wasn't in her high school clique, you should clarify, because this could be a social class thing, or a racism thing, anything like that.)

I loved the beginning, the way that this girl would be hardly even awake because she's so wrapped up in herself, and the way you added the conversation into the poem was very effective.

I think what you mostly need to work on is the ending. It's a good ending, a nice twist, but maybe you need to change it a little bit because it seems abrupt in some way.

Hmmm I'm not entirely sure what I think of this. I read your description of it and that kind of threw me off even more because that's not what I got out of it at all, but this might have been influenced by my own experiences. Of course, that's how poems work and they're reader interpreted, but if you want to suggest that particular meaning, you should show it more. For example you say the girl is defined by her clique, but you really say nothing about her, and everything about the guy - so as a result I thought it was the guy who was really focused. The only part you really express anything about the girl is at the beginning of the poem (first sentence) and I'm not too fond of that part, either, because to me it doesn't say anything and I don't think it really does something for the poem.

It might give you a better idea of where you went if I say what I got out of it... I thought when the girl said I'm out of your league, she meant she was too low for the guy. That's an easy misinterpretation though. But the conversation between them and the touch gave me the idea that she didn't like being touched by guys, guys make her uncomfortable (like I said, I was influenced by my own experiences ) You say the man is untouchable - rather than that she is untouchable - again saying it that she can't get to him. Or, saying she won't leave her clique and that makes him untouchable, but I only see this after the fact, and being told what it should be about.

I liked the last line, but I think rather than offering a witty statement that summed and wrapped up the whole poem, it sort of seemed like you were taking the poem and directing it right at the speaker, making it feel narrow and selfish. Either open it up, or try to rephrase it. Of course, at this point the poem might need to be rewritten entirely. ^^, (Rewriting is good!)

Well, so as you can see I sort of misinterpreted this, haha. I'm not sure if that explanation helped you get an idea of where to go with this... I didn't really think it was bad, at first I just had some minimal comments but seeing that I didn't understand it right, haha.

Best of luck, and Merry Christmas!

kissthewitch wrote:arrogance is no excuse

I walked in the halls
waltzed, really, Nice idea. But when I first saw this I thought that you consider us(readers) stupid. You could wrote "I waltzed in the hall."
in and out of consciousness
observing or not observing or ...look at this:in,and,out,or,not,or....don't think so...
waking up or sleep walking
or[s] just[/s]
[s]just[/s] walking. One just has to go !
He had on [s]two[/s] t-shirt[s]s[/s] and
cargo pants and
obviously, (..now I get a feeling of ordinary world....but when you try to write a poem you must make something out of it what you will be remembered for)
I'm out of his league.
'What's your name?'
he asks.
'And what's your girlfriend's name?'
I say,
which one?
Because I want to play his game
and
really
I'm out of his league.
He laughs, though, and touches my arm-
inside I scream
who do you think you are?You've got to decide: are you in his league or not? Why is that even important if you are or not?
Do you know whose arm this is?
Who are you to touch an arm such as mine,
even accidently, no, no, ...accidentally ...
ignorance is no excuse. You talk about ignorance but you didn't describe it well.
The fact is that your social caste
and my social caste
are on opposite ends of the spectrum
means you are untouchable:
so what does that make me?
But outside I smile.
I think this is why I have no boyfriend.

The end is ...yuk! You don't have to say "I think" 'cause your whole poem is your thinking and that are your thoughts... Ignorance is no excuse? You may tell this to yourself also.