He and She

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He and She

I’m staring at the sidewalk, watching the cracks pass below me like an escalator. My feet trudge onward, pushing up little bits of the thin snow cover at the toes. It’s cold, and despite my arms wrapped tight around my waist, my shoulders hunched against the frost, and my warm breath rising like a chimney cloud, I still feel the bite of winter. I blink, and my eyes fill with water. The sidewalk blurs, and then refocuses. The only place to look is down.
She’s on my left, watching the concrete rolling up beneath her feet too. Between us, we’re looking at the entire scope of the path, and perhaps, if we pooled our knowledge we could find interesting patterns in the cracks, or mysterious designs in the snow. But instead, our feet trip and tumble over the ground, erasing what was written before, and carving new patterns behind us. But we don’t look at these either.

***

The last time I was warm was some time ago, sitting in the dark on a couch at a party. There was music, loudly forcing its way out of the speakers and running down the length of the furniture. It rattled me, and I felt my ear drums pounding as if someone had dropped a timpani down the stairs. A plastic cup, half full, sat on the table in front of me, throbbing to the same beat. It wasn’t mine, but I picked it up anyway and drank it down. I was thirsty. I leaned back on a pillow and tried to count the marks on the ceiling. There were just as many marks as on the rug of on the couch. There were little marks everywhere.
“Hey,” a voice said, and I felt the couch rise a little as someone displaced the cushion next to me. I looked over.
“What’s up?
“Hey,” he said over the music “Have you seen my drink?”
I hadn’t, I had no clue which drink had been his.
“No,” I said, “Just get another one”
“We’re out of cups”
“Get one from the kitchen then, or something.” Anything to get whoever it was away.
“Hey man, are you okay?”
Now he was concerned about me. I smiled, and sat up a little straighter to show him I was fine.
“I’m good.”
“Whatever man, don’t throw up over the couch okay?”
I wasn’t about to throw up over the couch. I wasn’t feeling sick at all. I was feeling tired, and I wanted to go to sleep. But I wasn’t about to keel over. I was waiting, that’s all.
She came over to me, right after the guy left to find another plastic cup. She sat down in the depression that he had made, and put her arm around me, and leaned her head against my shoulder. I put my head against hers, and we drifted out like that for a couple minutes, holding fast against the pounding and shaking. Then she lifted her head and looked at me.
“Wanna go?”
I nodded, and she got up, and grabbed my hand, and led me to the door. I found my coat underneath hers, at the bottom of the heavy pile. I wrapped it around my back, and then took my hat from out of my pocket and pulled it down on my head. Then she opened the door, and the cold elbowed in, only to be thrown back as we stole out and shut the door behind us. It had just stopped snowing then. Inside, the music didn’t stop, and no one inside saw that we had disappeared; vanished into the quiet night, gone just like the Indians.

***

I raise my head for a second, and stare at the walk ahead. For a moment, there is a clean feeling, and the mist from my breath curls in front of me and hovers in my path like an apparition. Then the cold comes back, and spins past my nose and cheeks, and forces my chin to bury itself into the dark cavity of my coat once again.
We brush coats as we walk, and the harsh sound surprises me. I pull me elbow back and so does she and I drift to the right. I don’t say anything. The sound reminded me of the music at the party, and this bothers me for some reason. It grates against me like sandpaper, and as I walk, the grace of the movement vanishes, and all I hear is the scrape of my feet upon the ground, and the prickling of the cold on my nose. I don’t want to walk straight anymore, so I stop.
She stops and turns to me, and we glare at each other’s collars, unwilling to explore out of our burrows.
“What is it?” she says into her coat.
I look up.
“Let’s cross”
She looks at me puzzled.
“Here?” she says.
I look across the empty street. The street lights tint the whole scene a dull orange, and the picture looks surreal. Nobody has plowed the road since the snow last dusted it, and there are no tire tracks. I haven’t seen a car yet. As if a reply, I step out onto the road, and begin to cross. I go slowly, not straight across but at an angle. She follows me without a word, a step behind, as I plod onward.

***

I can’t remember when we stopped talking. I was tired, I was irritable, I was probably a little bit drunk. We had walked out of the yard, down the street and out of earshot, before she started speaking, quickly but quietly, holding forth on the party and whatever drama had occurred. It wasn’t important, and we both knew that, and I was too exhausted to give anything more than the usual monosyllabic answers. She didn’t say it, but she seemed disappointed that I wouldn’t speak to her. I would have spoken to her if I had wanted to, but right then, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to speak to anybody. Her voice had trailed off, perhaps as we crossed the park, and her arm had extricated itself from mine and sunk itself into her pocket. My hands pressed against the bottom of my coat, and stretched the fabric taut against my back. I was warmer like that.

***

I’ve stopped walking across the street, and am now walking across the middle of the road. The road is smoother than the sidewalk, and there is more space. It’s the middle of the night, and it’s snowing, and the road belongs to us. In the distance I see the lights of a stoplight, steadfastly flashing even though no one is there. As we near it, I watch it turn green, then yellow, than red, and the green again. It turns yellow as I approach the white line. I slow down. It turns red and I stop. She comes up next to me, and follows my gaze up to the light.
“It’s red,” I say, “We can’t go.”
We look at each other and she nods.
“I like the reflection of the light on the snow.” She says.
“So do I.”
We’re quiet for another set of seconds, and I feel suddenly very cold. I lean closer to her, and our coats brush again.
“It’s starting to snow again.” I say, looking up.
“Yes it is,” she says, leaning her head against my shoulder.
We stand like sentinels, watching the tiny flakes spin and flip past, like the stars, then suddenly red as they fall through the beam of the light, and then pure again as they settle on my nose, and in the hair which trails down her back. I brush some of the snow off her hair and the light turns green. We walk again.
I want to say something, something witty or literary but an unseen pressure pushes up against my lips and holds them shut. As we walk down the invisible line on the lonely street, her arm in mine, the streetlights bowed down and hanging over us like a vault, and through the haunted ceiling falling a million particles of dust, it seems to me that the music is being played in rests, and that in this moment, the silence is the poetry
Last edited by smorgishborg on Tue Dec 23, 2008 9:35 pm, edited 3 times in total.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic ties on the end of shoelaces are called aglets




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That was brilliant. Hands down, breathtaking brilliant. I could wax elouquent, but you need a review.

Ok, the thing is, you transition from past to present quickly. It's like having ice-water thrown in your face. A simple asterisk * would work.




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I’m staring at the sidewalk, watching the cracks pass below me like an escalator. My feet trudge onward, pushing up little bits of the thin snow cover at the toes. It’s cold, and despite my arms wrapped tight around my waist, my shoulders hunched against the frost, and my warm breath rising like a chimney cloud, I still feel the bite of winter. I blink, and my eyes fill with water. The sidewalk blurs, and then refocuses. The only place to look is down.


Water sounds odd, maybe change it to tears. I love the last line.

She’s on my left, watching the concrete rolling up beneath her feet too. Between us, we’re looking at the entire scope of the path, and perhaps, if we pooled our knowledge we could find interesting patterns in the cracks, or mysterious designs in the snow. But instead, our feet trip and tumble over the ground, erasing what was written before, and carving new patterns behind us. But we don’t look at these either.


Sweet paragraph there. That was awesome.

The last time I was warm was some time ago, sitting in the dark on a couch at a party. There was music, loudly forcing its way out of the speakers and running down the length of the furniture. It rattled me, and I felt my ear drums pounding as if someone had dropped a timpani down the stairs. A plastic cup, half full, sat on the table in front of me, throbbing to the same beat. It wasn’t mine, but I picked it up anyway and drank it down. I was thirsty. I leaned back on a pillow and tried to count the marks on the ceiling. There were just as many marks as on the rug of on the couch. There were little marks everywhere.


Again, awesome.

“Hey,” a voice said, and I felt the couch rise a little as someone displaced the cushion next to me. I looked over.


I don’t like said, whispered? Murmured?

“Hey,” he said over the music “Have you seen my drink?”


Again, now he’s speaking over music change said to shouted, or something of that nature.

“No,” I said, “Just get another one”


Here, I like said. But I feel you’re saying it to much.

“Whatever man, don’t throw up over the couch okay?”


I like that.

She came over to me, right after the guy left to find another plastic cup. She sat down in the depression that he had made, and put her arm around me, and leaned her head against my shoulder. I put my head against hers, and we drifted out like that for a couple minutes, holding fast against the pounding and shaking. Then she lifted her head and looked at me.


Woah, who’s this?

“Wanna go?”


Now there leaving together, this is sudden. Does he know her?

I nodded, and she got up, and grabbed my hand, and led me to the door. I found my coat underneath hers, at the bottom of the heavy pile. I wrapped it around my back, and then took my hat from out of my pocket and pulled it down on my head. Then she opened the door, and the cold elbowed in, only to be thrown back as we stole out and shut the door behind us. It had just stopped snowing then. Inside, the music didn’t stop, and no one inside saw that we had disappeared; vanished into the quiet night, gone just like the indians.


In that first sentence three ands sounds a bit odd. Maybe change it to this, I nodded. She got up, grabbed my hand and led me to the door. Indians should be have a capital ‘I’. I think, yes, I’m pretty sure.

I raise my head for a second, and stare at the walk ahead. For a moment, there is a clean feeling, and the mist from my breath curls in front of me and hovers in my path like an apparition. Then the cold comes back, and spins past my nose and cheeks, and forces my chin to bury itself into the dark cavity of my coat once again.

We brush coats as we walk, and the harsh sound surprises me. I pull me elbow back and so does she and I drift to the right. I don’t say anything. The sound reminded me of the music at the party, and this bothers me for some reason. It grates against me like sandpaper, and as I walk, the grace of the movement vanishes, and all I hear is the scrape of my feet upon the ground, and the prickling of the cold on my nose. I don’t want to walk straight anymore, so I stop.


The second sentence has too many ands. Try, For a moment there is a clean feeling, the mist from my breath curls in front of me and hovers in my path like an apparition. The third sentence as well, Then the cold comes back, spins past my nose and cheeks forcing my chin to bury itself into the dark cavity of my coat once again.

She stops and turns to me, and we glare at each other’s collars, unwilling to explore out of our burrows.


That’s great, very awesome.

“Here?” she says.


Change says.

I look across the empty street. The street lights tint the whole scene a dull orange, and the scene looks surreal. Nobody has plowed the road since the snow last dusted it, and there are no tire tracks. I haven’t seen a car yet. As if a reply, I step out onto the road, and begin to cross. I go slowly, not straight across but at an angle. She follows me without a word, a step behind, as I plod onward.


I think plowed should be ploughed.

I can’t remember when we stopped talking. I was tired, I was irritable, I was probably a little bit drunk. We had walked out of the yard, down the street and out of earshot, before she started speaking, quickly but quietly, holding forth on the party and whatever drama had occurred. It wasn’t important, and we both knew that, and I was too exhausted to give anything more than the usual monosyllabic answers. She didn’t say it, but she seemed disappointed that I wouldn’t speak to her. I would have spoken to her if I had wanted to, but right then, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to speak to anybody. Her voice had trailed off, perhaps as we crossed the park, and her arm had extricated itself from mine and sunk itself into her pocket. My hands pressed against the bottom of my coat, and stretched the fabric taut against my back. I was warmer like that.


Sweet paragraph, I have nothing bad to say about that.

“It’s red,” I say, “We can’t go.”


Change say.

“It’s starting to snow again.” I say, looking up.


Change say.

“Yes it is,” she says, leaning her head against my shoulder.


Change say.

We stand like sentinels, watching the tiny flakes spin and flip past, like the stars, then suddenly red as they fall through the beam of the light, and then pure again as they settle on my nose, and in the hair which trails down her back. I brush some of the snow off her hair and the light turns green. We walk again.


Too many ands. Change it to this, We stand like sentinels, watching the tiny flakes spin past, like stars, then suddenly red as they fall through the beam of the light. They are pure again as they settle on my nose and in the hair which trails down her back.

I want to say something, something witty or literary but an unseen pressure pushes up against my lips and holds them shut. As we walk down the invisible line on the lonely street, her arm in mine, the streetlights bowed down and hanging over us like a vault, and through the haunted ceiling falling a million particles of dust, it seems to me that the music is being played in rests, and that in this moment, the silence is the poetry.


Woah that last sentence is huge!! Change it to something like this, As we walk down the invisible line on the lonely street, her arm in mine, the streetlights bowed down and hanging over us like a vault. Through the haunted ceiling, falling, are a million particles of dust. It seems to me that the music being played in rests, and that in this moment, the silence is the poetry.




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Wow. I don't know what to say. That was so incredibly intense, I felt like melting off my chair! Even the simple filler sentences were somehow deeper and more meaningful than they would be in any other context. I love it!

Then she opened the door, and the cold elbowed in, only to be thrown back as we stole out and shut the door behind us. It had just stopped snowing then. Inside, the music didn’t stop, and no one inside saw that we had disappeared; vanished into the quiet night, gone just like the indians.


This may possibly be my favorite section. The first sentence there just grabbed me right up; it's great. Only piece of advice is to change indians to Indians.

We stand like sentinels, watching the tiny flakes spin and flip past, like the stars, then suddenly red as they fall through the beam of the light, and then pure again as they settle on my nose, and in the hair which trails down her back. I brush some of the snow off her hair and the light turns green. We walk again.
I want to say something, something witty or literary but an unseen pressure pushes up against my lips and holds them shut. As we walk down the invisible line on the lonely street, her arm in mine, the streetlights bowed down and hanging over us like a vault, and through the haunted ceiling falling a million particles of dust, it seems to me that the music is being played in rests, and that in this moment, the silence is the poetry.


Honestly, I have nothing bad to say about this. It's very poignant and somehow satisfying, even though I want more. I think, contrary to the last review, that the last sentence is fine. It flows perfectly to me. Great work!
♥Your tears don't fall,
they crash around me,
her conscience calls
the guilty to come home...♥
~Tears Don't Fall, Bullet for My Valentine




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Thanks for your nice comments, critiques, glowing appraisals...

I've edited this a bit, with some of your suggestions, and a bit of my dissatisfaction with the fourth section. It's a bit longer and I think the sequence of events is a little more clear. That part got a setting too, which it needed kinda badly I thought. Unfortunately, all of this is saved on my school's computers, and due to a snow day I can't go back and get it. But I wanted to address several comments...

Stori:
- Spacing fized as requested.
- I'll get to your story eventually

saves:
- I like "water" only because "tears" has a connotation of laughing or crying, neither of which I want to pass on.
- You take issue with my "says/said/say". This was written straight off of me reading Raymond Carver's Cathedral and also bits of Stephen King's On Writing. Carver uses "says" almost exclusively, departing only a couple of times for effect. These two seem to think that the various ways of speaking distract from the language, and I actually find that explanation compelling. When I get back at this, I will look at each and every one of your replacements. But I don't see myself changing more than one or two of them. I think that if one reads this casually, they won't notice, just as I don't notice Carver. But I could be wrong. I'll sit on it.
- "She" was introduced in the first paragraph. Is the connection not clear enough?
- I did as you asked, and removed several ands in some of the obnoxious sentences you pointed out.
- Indians does have a capital I. Yep.
- I'm pretty sure "plowed" is right. That said, I think ploughed is also right, but to me the simpler spelling is preferable.
- I'm sorry, but I like the spacing of the last sentence. That is one that I won't change unless more people find it the same way as you do.

dark_angel
- Yeah, the more I think about it "indians" sticks out like a sore thumb, and I can't figure out why it's so noticeable. Not all mistakes are that obvious. Changed.

Thanks all of you!
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
- Robert Frost

It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic ties on the end of shoelaces are called aglets




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 68
Hey there!

Alright first there were just one two tiny nit-picks...

The street lights tint the whole scene a dull orange, and the scene looks surreal

Think about maybe getting rid of one of the 'surreals. It sounds too repetitive, you already mention that the scene is a dull orange so there's not much point in using the word again. It can be easily replaced or the sentence structure just changed slightly. Nothing big :D


and that in this moment, the silence is the poetry

For some reason, I get the feeling that I've read this before. The ending just seems a little cliche to me, which is so unlike the rest of your piece and I just don't think it's generally fitting with the style of the rest of the piece. Think about it, I could be wrong!

I want to say something, something witty or literary but an unseen pressure pushes up against my lips and holds them shut

The first thing I thought of when I read this was that she was kissing him but then after I read over the whole thing again I realised I was most probably wrong. However, I think the fact that that's how I interpreted made me like it even more and the kind of abiguity that the sentence then held just added to it. :D

Thore are the only things which I noticed.

Overall...

I really enjoyed this a lot, I thought it was great. I loved how you presented the relationship between these two people who really don't know each other at all. You're very good at showing rather than telling which is something I loved about this because I find it's something quite hard to do effectively and you really reached full potential with it!

You get a gold star :D
Have a good christmas!

Sofi.
'Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour but a little bit of Eternity dropped into your hands- and who knows what to do with it?'
T.W.



When I use caps I do not want you to read it like a little screech, I want you to read it like a 5,000 year old ogre with the strength of 10,000 men.
— avianwings47